TommyMagic Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 This is mega complex, so I will try and be clear and short! I just got married to my girlfriend of 8 years, and its been 4 months. We have a firey relationship of arguments and making up but nothing serious, and I really think it works well this way as we tend to clear the air by doing so. Anyway, a few weeks ago the topic of ex boyfriends became a subject, and simultaneously her phone started going off in the early hours. She was also visibly 'off' with me, frustrated when I would hug her, and not really hold my gaze very well. So I checked her phone - Not the best move, but just to compound curiosity. It was an ex-boyfriend. What did I know about this ex so far? She dumped him 10 years ago, when she was in her late teens for cheating on her. He was controlling, messed her up, basically a dick. I've had 8 great years of not having to compete with any ex's or anything like that. I brought it up with her, and she gave me the old 'He got back in contact, congratulated me on the wedding, has a girlfriend and he's changed' So not being a jealous type, Im totally cool with this. In fact I'm of the thought that a little attention from the opposite sex is healthy, as long as you dont pursue it, it reaffirms your confidence, gives you a little relief from a long term relationship, that kind of thing. I mean staying with one person forever is hard enough. So fast forward a bit, and Im still checking her phone - I can't help it! Because the texts are getting racier, especially from him, stuff like: "You used to look great naked" "I was utterly in love with you" "I wish I could give you a hug right now" and she's saying 'they were good times' 'you're making me blush' etc., but I can tell she's keeping it at a distance. She's doing good actually which is a relief, I fully trust her. I just don't trust him. So it turns out they're due to meet up next Sunday, I guess the official line is to reminisce, talk about old times, get some closure on a messy breakup. And again, I trust her fully. But I'm totally uncomfortable with a guy who still loves her, who has managed to charm her and doing his best to look like the 'perfect guy', meeting up with her. I can't confront her because I did it once, and if she knows I'm still checking her phone it's fully over. I'm doing my best as a husband, in fact more than I normally would, more attentive, listening, keeping our lives interesting, dating her again almost. All to confirm I'm the better option (which I am!) I just want him to go away, and for her not to be hurt. I feel her looking for attention elsewhere is part of a post-wedding crisis, and kind of healthy in a weird way. Basically, what I'm asking is can I confront him about this? Because he has a girlfriend and a new house with her. Or do I let it ride out, let her get bored?
cozycottagelg Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Can you just go with her to see him? Then you don't have to worry about her behavior, and he will see that she is happily married? 1
NotCamelot Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I think this is an easy answer: YES!!! Contact him as soon as possible. I would. And I'd lay out the basics quickly. I think I'd go ahead and contact his live-in GF and tell her about the texts, etc. This should quickly evaporate the whole thing. He'll probably tell your wife.....but, unless she wants to leave you to be with him, it should not matter in the long run. And, if she is subject to leave that easily, do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering when it will happen? 4
NotCamelot Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Can you just go with her to see him? Then you don't have to worry about her behavior, and he will see that she is happily married? This too .
Author TommyMagic Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Thanks for the reply Camelot. Just a quick update on texts (This is completely wrong, but I tapped her phone after the first time, proves it was worth it): They've both told each other that they miss each other. And HE has written a text saying : IF you decide you do miss me then we should do something about it So at least we know what his intentions are. Thoughts? BTW Im almost sold on confronting him and telling his girlfriend.
GorillaTheater Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I'm thinking she hasn't told you about her date, am I right? If that's the case, she's being dishonest as hell with you. And this is the same person who's going to call it quits on you for checking her phone? Could it be you checked it because she's untrustworthy? Confront her, not him. If she goes off on whether you checked her phone, I'd tell her that it doesn't matter how you found out, that the topic of conversation is her secret meeting with her ex, but if she wants to talk about her trustworthiness, you'd be more than happy to make that the next topic. 4
Author TommyMagic Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Also, can't go with her. Shes travelling to her parents are, the arrangements are already made and it would look very weird.
Author TommyMagic Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 I know the done thing is to confront her, but so far she hasn't really committed to anything with him, and the meetup could just be innocent in her mind. I just really want to destroy his life right now, do you think he will silently slip away??
underwater2010 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 There is nothing that you can say to her EX that will get him to stop contacting her. This is all on your wife. In any marriage if a friend of the opposite sex makes your spouse uncomfortable, it is time to cut the ties. Have you spoken with her about this friendship and how uncomfortable it makes you? 1
underwater2010 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I know the done thing is to confront her, but so far she hasn't really committed to anything with him, and the meetup could just be innocent in her mind. I just really want to destroy his life right now, do you think he will silently slip away?? Why just his...she is playing the I miss you too game right along with him. I suggest you bring all this to the front before she leaves on this trip.
Author TommyMagic Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 OK, even though Ive gone to the lengths of tapping her phone, right?
GorillaTheater Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 OK, even though Ive gone to the lengths of tapping her phone, right? You did what you had to do, and found out information you wouldn't have otherwise. Tell her to feel free to do what she feels she has to, including going to the police if she feels like she has a case, and that if you feel like she's chosen poorly, you'll show her the door. It's time to be a hardass. Cool, calm and collected, but a hardass nonetheless. 1
Author TommyMagic Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 OK, will keep you posted. My heart is broken.
Chi townD Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 So, I take it that you're not supposed to know about them meeting up? And you're not supposed to say anything because then you give up the fact that you've snooped. Well, you could do a few things. Ask to borrow your wife's phone because yours is dead and you need to call work. If she gives you the phone, make a call to anyone...then punch up the text screen and ask, 'What the hell is this?" If she leaves, if you know what time she's meeting up with this douche rocket, Call her and say, "Why am I getting a phonecall from some girl saying that your with the douche rocket right now?" Dude, you got to do something. Even if she gets pissed at you. She hasn't physically cheated on you yet. But, she's getting emotionally involved with this dude. Time to put a stop to it. 1
underwater2010 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 OK, even though Ive gone to the lengths of tapping her phone, right? Yes. Privacy is the bathroom, not secrets that you keep from each other. 2
underwater2010 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 OK, will keep you posted. My heart is broken. I know that it hurts now but it is better to stop it before it gets worse. By the way you can say you went to make a call and her phone went off.
ChooseTruth Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Do not let this meeting happen. I would have a talk with her ASAP. It sucks to have to make it clear what your sources are, but in this case it might be kind of obvious. If she reacts by deleting messages or locking her phone, that's a really bad sign. You can tell if she's deleting messages if you check the online phone bill, you should be able to see all phone#s she's texted and when.
SoulStorm Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 So it's going to take her meeting up with him and doing the deed before you realize you can't trust her? Listen, I'll give you props for not trying to be the jealous husband and being mature about this, but your wife's intentions are anything but innocent. She knows full well what could or is going to happen should she meet with him. I would send his GF the text messages and then confront your wife. She will be angry but your marriage can survive her anger...it probably won't survive an affair or ONS. It could, but your marriage will never be the same again. Stop it before it happens 1
anne1707 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 and she's saying 'they were good times' 'you're making me blush' etc., but I can tell she's keeping it at a distance. She's doing good actually which is a relief, I fully trust her. Sorry but those replies she is sending him have absolutely nothing at all to do with keeping it at a distance. That is straightforward flirting, with her encouraging him to take it further.
Raven3321 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 NO NO NO NO NO NO. Dude you have to take charge of this. This is an affair waiting to happen. You don't have to tell her you looked at her phone. Just casually ask her if she has any plans while she's at her parent's. If she doesn't mention the meeting, you know she's already trying to be clandestine or secretive about the whole thing already. Let her know at that point that you don't want her meeting him or talking with him at any point. Seeing ex's is a no-no for marriages because you already have a built-in intimacy with that person. And again, I trust her fully. If there is one thing all these threads should prove to you is that you can never trust anyone fully....even yourself. She may not mean to get caught up with him, but she will and to an extent has already. If you allow a meeting or any further contact at all, you'll regret it. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 OP: Boundaries are the things you place so your spouse isn't in positions to get tempted. People do not need to spend time with, call, text or see their exes unless it is okay for them to be tempted by feelings of long ago and with a person who will charm them. There is a reason she dated him...and the attraction and unresolved feelings are mostly likely still there. Transparency is a must in a healthy marriage, so you checking messages like "I love you naked" isn't being controlling, it is called protecting your wife and your marriage. You can trust her all you want, but if she is pulling away when you hug her, that is a clear signal that she has unresolved feelings for this guy. Obtuseness will sink your marriage, so do not hide your head in the sand. See you soon in Infidelity, Grumps
Darren Steez Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Hmmm nice story, can't quite believe why a man who seems so self assured to hack his girlfriends phone and monitor her, suddenly tries to come across as clueless on how to confront? Human nature would take over, can't quite believe he's willing to let her travel knowing what is supposedly going on. But good luck to you.
harrybrown Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Go with her on the trip. Tell her that it should be fun and have him bring his girlfriend with him to the secret meeting. You know what she is doing, confront her. There should not be 3 people in your marriage.
Clay Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Tommy, Let me start this by saying I am truly sorry you are in this position. Its never easy to go through this pain when your the one on the outside. There actually is good news in all of this you are in a spot that allows you to control a lot. First recognize that she is already stepping out of her vows. She told this guy that she misses him. If she loved you should would have put a stop to that talk long before it even started even if she still did have some feelings for this guy. Second I would send her a text stating you know that she misses him and she plans on meeting with him. Shut your phone off after that and give her no way to talk to you. She is out of town this will put her mind on focusing on you instead of the other guy if she truly does love you. Go stay with friends or family. What she has done already is enough for you to start protecting yourself. You do deserve better than this. If it does go all down the tubes at least you can work to get the marriage annulled. I understand this is hard to think about but you have to face reality and protect you now. Once again I am truly sorry you are going through this and hope things go better. Clay 2
doubled Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 You absolutely need to put your foot down and stop this before it happens. You have every right to put an end to this friendship and flirting. You are her husband a.nd if she really loves you and wants your marriage she will choose you. I made the mistake of saying nothing and after a LTA I am divorced. I could have stopped it before it happened. Stop it now
Recommended Posts