Millie9 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Hi all, bear with me..my partner and I were in a distance relationship for 3 years and then 5 months ago I moved to his country to be with him, this was a difficult move away from my family, friends and home. There were difficulties mainly with his big teenage daughters but we were working our way through them. I didnt feel like I was a priority and I thought he had become a bit distant. I shouldn't have but I looked in his mobile phone..I discovered a few recent texts between him and an ex, a woman he was seeing for over 10 years and they had finished a year before I started dating him. (They live in the same village). I was truly shocked and hurt and angry..They were chatty and friendly and he was reminiscing in one of them about the time they had 'swam naked together in the sea on holidays',,, a further one reminding her to 'rub sunscreen on her nipples' when she went on holidays the following week, and a further one saying he had met someone who looked like her whilst on a business trip to which she replied that she thought they shouldn't be texting anymore as he was with (me) now and he said he was sorry he couldnt help it and put 'miss u'... I was devastated.. I didn't confront him but instead packed a bag and left and went home to my own country. He was devastated and terribly upset as I know he loved me deeply.. I eventually confronted him on the phone and he was deeply sorry, regretful and said it was so stupid as there was absolutely nothing going on between them and he assured me strongly of that but he knows he shouldn't have been texting her (as I had made it clear much earlier that I would be very uncomfortable if he was contacting her directly or vice versa). He has been trying everything to get me back, everything and is totally devastated and upset. A month has passed and I met up with him once - he flew over to see me - and I realised that even though I am still angry and upset I still love him, and him me. I have told him that I am not ready to go back to him yet but that perhaps in future it is possible, he said he will wait.. My question is.. I am not sure I will ever trust him 100% again, but I do want him back in my life.. he is a wonderful man in so many ways but would I be right to take him back....?? thanks one and all
headinthecloud Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I'm so sorry this happened to you. This is why people should not be friends with their ex - most cannot control themselves especially when they go through tough times. Everyone always reflects on the good times and forget the reason things didn't work out which is why the cycle repeats itself. First, you did the right thing by leaving him as it's giving you time to sort out your thinking. Second, trust is the cornerstone of all relationships and he clearly broke it. While something physical did not occur, he was trying to stay emotionally attached to her which is why he reminisced about their good times -- not appropriate. You know him best. If you feel he is deserving of a second chance, then offer it to him. But it will take a very long time to rebuild trust. I think he has some emotional issues that he needs to work on beforehand. Time will be your best indicator. Take it slow. 1
EdG Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I was your partner. 6 months into my relationship an ex girlfriend of mine got in touch and we exchanged text messages - some of which were inappropriate given we were both now in new relationships. For me there was no 'emotional' attachment, it was more reminiscent of the physical aspects of our relationship. My girlfriend grew suspicious of my behaviour and I told her the truth about the text messages that had been sent. I felt awful. I was riddled with guilt and upset with my behaviour for a long time. She went on holiday to distance herself from me, but we kept in touch over the course of 6 weeks or so. After 6 weeks she decided that she would like to try and forgive me and to move forward. Our relationship was never the same. She didn't trust me. She would regularly login into my FB account, look over my shoulder at my text messages, etc, despite know how awful I felt and me promising (which I did and would have continued to keep) that I'd never, ever do it again. The trust was gone. Although she said she wanted to forgive me, I don't think she did. After this she started justifying her own actions based on my mistake. We lasted only another 4 months until the relationship fell apart. I grew frustrated that she couldn't trust me and she grew bitter at my behaviour (understandably). What I am saying is. Think about if you can forgive your partner. It will take time, but if you think he and your relationship is worth another chance than give it to him, as like me it appears he is genuinely upset and ashamed at his behaviour - we all make mistakes. But only give it another go if you can forgive 100% (in time) and that you think you're relationship has a real chance of working. Thinking back on it I was texting my ex about physical stuff, because I wasn't 100% satisfied with the physical side of my then current relationship. I was an idiot and I will regret it and never make the same mistake again. Right now you're both emotional and want to 'fix' things, but my advise would be try your hardest to leave the decision for as long as possible...for two reasons: 1. So you can work out whether you do truly want to give this man another chance 2. Time will tell whether he is committed to waiting for you, i.e. how much you really mean to me Hope this helps somewhat and GOOD LUCK. Sorry this has happened to you.
ColdAlone Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Yep... When people brake up, no matter the reason, it's hard to get back together. Trust issues, old hurt. I'd say if at least one of them can just 'relax' and don't carry it with him/her, there is a chance it will work out. But if you're already aware or think you can't trust him, work on that first. IMO that trust 'issue' is more about you than about him. Not saying it's not justified, but you are the one having it, so...
Author Millie9 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Thank you all for your input and very enlightening to hear it from the other side. All saying the same thing- as I am thinking- time and time,give it time.. We are in some contact and I know he misses me dreadfully ,as I do him but I know I need more time and space to be sure that I will be able to trust him again and be ready to be 'all in' the relationship again. We have the added complication of two digmfferent countries, I don't want to move to his so the only way thhis will work is if he moves here...which he might do,he is starting to look at possible employment opportunities..so again time will tell,I guess that will be more than enough proof for me that he wants to be with me..i will leave it to time and me working it all through in my head..thx again one and all x 1
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