My story and still hurting

[Lost_Dragon]

Where to start?

 

I've known my ex since we were teenagers. Her brother was like a brother to me and my best friend. Her family is like my second family. We were together for over 10 years with ups and downs. We re-connected in 2002/2003 and became close friends. I was hanging out with her brother frequently and her as well. At the time she was married to a guy from another country who after 6 years realized that he wanted out. He was getting his U.S. Citizenship for being married to an American by this time. Any more obvious what he was doing? Used her for papers. She told me how he was a drinker and very physically and mentally abusive to her. He even made her get an abortion. She was happy to be getting out of the marriage just as much as he was. At the time her and I just went out places and did fun things together as friends. No romance at all. She would always buy me gifts and say "I can buy my friends whatever I want!". I knew she always had a crush on me but I wasn't interested in her like that and I valued her friendship too much to lead her on. So one night hanging out and having dinner she told me that she wanted to give me oral sex and that it was going to happen! I thought she was joking at first but she wasn't. She did it that same night and it became a regular thing. I wanted to have sex with her but she wouldn't let me for a long time. When we finally did it I felt like it was meant to be and it was great! So we decided that even though she was still legally married that we were together and we got our own place together. About a week into living together we went bowling with her family. We were both drinking that night and there was alot of people there. There was one girl who was two lanes over who she swore I was staring at the whole night. This is where the jealousy and insecurities started in our relationship. That night we had a big argument and I was going to leave but she started crying when I was trying to go out the door. I gave in and stayed but we didn't really talk much. After that the jealousy seemed to overwhelm me. I couldn't talk to female friends, watch scenes in movies with nudity, get home from work later than expected, etc.. It seemed like she always thought I was out to hurt her and leave her. Very frustrating but I toughed it out with her regardless. She always questioned my intentions and my love being true. Its weird because looking back now.. It always seemed like she thought she was a stranger in my life and was expecting to face the worst out of all this. She needed constant assurance that I was permanent. I always treated her feelings with very careful respect until she really seemed to enjoy backing me into a corner with her doubt in me. I never would lash out at anyone before her and kept my anger under zen-like control in any situation. What it came down to was me saying F*** You to her and she was crushed by those two simple words. I felt like a bully at that point and hated myself for it. I never went out of my way to hurt anyone even if that was their intention with me. I would just walk away. Which I did to her one time and ended up having to hike it over 20 miles because we were at her families house and I pulled a Houdini on her. I have walked many miles out of pure disappointment in others coldness. I just have to get away from them and it doesn't matter how far I have to walk. If you're so afraid of losing someone, why would you constantly hurt their feelings when you're told exactly what you are making them feel?, and yet you do it anyway? It makes no sense at all.

 

So, towards the end of 2011, my ex lost her job and I was the only one working. During this time all she did was sit at home and get on Playstation Home. It's a social gaming thing with customizable avatars. She was spending money on buying things for her avatar all the time with money we didn't have but I liked making her happy. She had friends on there and enjoyed it so i was cool at first. Until she would stay on it while I was trying to sleep or knowing I wanted intimacy and let me fall asleep. It was like her new obsession. So I started to let her know how it made me feel neglected and she said I was just jealous of her new friends. I became distant from this constant behavior and emotionally shut down on her. Even though I felt these things I still loved her and did everything she needed. She found a new job and I thought that would ween her off of her online social friends and back to the real world but she wound up having her best friend "a guy" give her his phone number and they kept in contact while she was not home. Other friends as well had her number. Anytime I would say anything she would defend her friends saying I was jealous. Well... I ended up losing my job and our bills were stacking up. We borrowed money from people but it wasn't enough to save everything and our power got cut off. She left me without hesitation and went to her brothers house to stay. The next day she tells me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore and we both need to better our lives. I was crushed.. I was not giving up on her. I called her and showed up at her job all the time and helped her do things. She said she had a new boyfriend but I couldn't believe her. She would comment how she wanted to leave this place. I asked her, to where? She said out of the country. I was in disbelief and shock. So I'm living in my powerless house for a whole summer trying to save it but the rent is stacking up unpaid. I had to go to court to prolong eviction but wound up having to move into a boarding house in another state. So I'm getting my life back on track at the time and content with being single finally, when I decide it's a good idea to check in on her.. NOT!! She wouldn't answer my calls or texts at all. I knew she got on Playstation Home so I decided to make an account and see how she is without her knowing its me. What I found out buried my soul. She was planning to sneak out of her brother's house and catch a plane to Canada in the next few days to meet some guy from Playstation Home. She was not telling anyone about this except her online friends. I checked his FB and he looked like a creep. I thought it a huge mistake by sneaking off to another country to meet a stranger and you told not a soul in your family about this. So I called her brother and told him. His reaction was total disbelief and I was crazy and need to move on. He knows how much I love his sister but I told him regardless if she is with me I care for her well-being and to not ignore my warning. Next day he calls me saying she disappeared and I was right. Asked me the dudes name and checked his FB. Her family was furious and not happy with her at all. She wasn't welcome back to her brother's house. But he wanted to chase her into Canada if necessary with my help. She made it to the airport with her passport and ticket but Customs wouldn't let her go because she had no funds to take with her. She calls me up crying saying she was sorry and really needed to see me bad. I caved for her and she stayed with me at the boarding house. She told me she was done with the Playstation BS and devoted fully to me now. I was working and I paid her rent to stay with me. The owners of the place didn't like her because she was so reclusive and knew what I already went through with her. I defended her and even got into a fight with the owner over her honor. They wanted us both out of there ASAP. We had nowhere to go. I had to beg my Mother to let us stay with her temporarily. Well my Mom's landlord learned of this and was cool with me being there but thought my gf and I shouldn't be sleeping together out of wedlock (Old Fashioned). So he wanted her gone.. She had to beg her mom to let her stay there. After what she pulled at her brother's she wasn't welcome back. She moved to her mother's and we still saw each other occasionally and she spent nights here sometimes. She got back into Playstation and FB even more than ever and started being very attention seeking. We ended up fighting about it again and I went NC on her for a month. She didn't seem to care at all if I cared or not. I still kept tabs on her because I do and always will care. Call it spying or whatever. I made another account and pretended to be a girl. It went as far as me being in a fake relationship with another girl who was an online lesbian who never got on mic or cam. I don't believe it was really a female. Anyway, she/It was my ex's friend on playstation so I knew i could find out what she was up to. I found out she was talking to a different guy and planned to go to Chicago to be with him!! DE JAVU!!! I broke my cover and she was shocked. I had everyone fooled in her circle. She kept my secret and was happy to have my attention at such a high level. We got back together again and it seemed stronger at first. Her history just won't leave me alone now and it has turned me into a jealous person with her, which i never was before all of this. I love the hell out of her!! Good and bad. She seems to enjoy pushing my buttons now and I always threaten to leave her for good. She would break down crying and begging and I would make up with her. I always give in to her in her time of need but when I'm in that place (Like Now!) I get total coldness and nothing.

 

I just started a new job and it was rough on me for the first weeks. Overnight, sleeping all day and I was always exhausted. I still contacted her regularly but maybe not enough. All she ever seems to want to talk about is her needs and wants. Or complaining and yelling at me saying I'm ignoring her messages. So she calls me up the day before we planned her to come spend the night and immediatly starts being very hostile about me not responding to all her messages on PS3. I as planning to call her soon when I relaxed but I was tired from working an was dozing off before she called. She starts yelling and I just say "Why do you always have to be SO hostile towards me?". No hello or how are you? she keeps yelling so I hang up on her. I was very angry at this point and my reaction lately has been telling her it's over and don't contact me. So that night I dream that she was cheating on me. I know it's just a dream but I never had that one about her so I was very disturbed by it. My FB had been deactivated for some time but I get on my Mom's to see pics my gf sends her and wants me to see. So I go on there and see that instead of coming to visit me she went to the beach with her mom. No biggie! Then I see some new guys comments in one of the pics so I check his profile. He had a pic of my gf's name in the sand with a heart. I was crushed again. I called her asking what she was up to and she acted like nothing was going on. I asked about the new guy and she accuses me of spying on her and that I broke up with her last night. I said "You know I never mean it!" I was just mad at you! She hangs up on me. I wait until the next day and check her FB again. She now has herself sitting on his lap in his FB and them with tongues out together close. Bragging about their date. So I call her up again and try to play cool, I ask whats she been doing and she says working and going to gym. Normal stuff. I was starting to fume so I said "what about your date?". She again said I was spying when she is still friends with my mom on FB and she was using it to send me pics and messages.. I break down totally and to my regret, crying to her and begging, asking how and why is she doing this to me? Then says her mom is mad about me and using her to avoid me on the phone. She said she is different now and tells me to move on. I was so crushed and in shock. I kept calling her leaving messages crying and just all out begging for her to answer the phone. She finally answered and said her mom is getting more mad, I asked if she wanted me to not bother her ever again and she said "YES". I said that I will never bother her or anyone ever again and left it there. After that I tried to get a couple of mutual friends to talk to her for me but it only got me hate-mail and a notice that she was unfriending them and blocking them also. I didn't respond to that. Just kept to myself and cried. So a month passes and I get a message on my PS3 from her on her new name (her name loves New bf's name) saying she wants my jeep because its in her name. She never paid a dime for my jeep but now she wants to hurt me more? WHY?!?! Saying she will take me to court if need be.. WHY!?! I gave her her space WTF!?!?! Then next day she sends another message in all CAPS, DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE OR WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Again I just delete it and start crying again. I checked her FB a couple times after the last call and she has pics of her kissing this new guy and saying she loves him and misses him. Its like I never existed at all. I feel she is trying to cause me as much pain as possible and won't be happy until she knows I'm not. Even with her new, happy relationship. I will give her the jeep just so she will stop but I don't think she will. She has been changing a lot lately into an attention seeker. She has gotten new tattoos and piercings and dyed her hair into an unnatural bright red color. Dressing different and going to gym to lose weight. She posts selfies like their going out of style and is always updating about her weight-loss. Most of her "friends" she never met because they're all only online. She seems very selfish and wreckless lately. I feel like It was always only about her feelings all along and I need to forget about her for good. But I know I still love her and miss her with all my heart. I am lost and don't know where I'm headed from this. She is very toxic to me yet I can't stop thinking of her constantly. How can someone be so cold after acting like you were their whole world? I feel replaced and used by a heartless shell of a former human being. I was always an option for her until she found her next victim I think.. She had nowhere to go before and now this guy is up her butt. Throw me away like yesterdays news. Then hurt me more and more because you can. She made me miserable and brought out the worst in me many times but she knew I would never leave her for anyone else no matter what. Yet she was scared that would happen to her and she does it to me?!!! I hope she stays happy and has a wonderful life with this new guy or the next one. I'm taking this new guy as a blessing. Thank you new guy for taking her away from me, now she is your problem! Good luck!!

 

Any thoughts or questions are welcome and there is much more to this story. Many lessons I have learned from this one.

Edited October 23, 2013 by Lost_Dragon

[AnyaNova]

I am so sorry.

 

Her behavior.

 

I wish I had words. I don't. Come here, post here, and heal from her so that you can find someone who appreciates you.

[Lost_Dragon]

I am so sorry.

 

Her behavior.

 

I wish I had words. I don't. Come here, post here, and heal from her so that you can find someone who appreciates you.

 

Even when I found the words and expressed them to her, it was as if it was my fault for having those feelings and she would get defensive. Pointing out my flaws and frustrating me to the point that I wanted to run away as fast as I could. Then she would change her tune and go into a hopeless state without me. I told her that no matter how mad I seemed, I was not going anywhere. Maybe that gave her an excuse to walk all over me.. Knowing I would forgive and forget. There were times that I felt I was ignoring her to see what she would do without me. She always finds some new person to latch onto almost immediately. Then I feel the sting of disbelief that she could do that to me. All of her emotions when I was the one trying to walk away seemed genuine. I thought she was my safe place, My Home. Now I'm lost again. I find myself shaking uncontrollably and a nervous wreck. Holding back the tears because I know that road all too well. Each time I start to feel better and have fun, there she is again. I want this burden lifted from my soul once and for all. I feel haunted. I want to keep the rest of me. I find myself in the middle, talking to myself. I'm on my own.

 

She will never know the way I feel. I won't tell her how I'm tearing myself apart hour by hour. I won't let her know. I feel like I must die to finally let her go.

 

I wish somebody felt that way for me.

[flight E]

Lost dragon your story is long and surreal. But as you thanked someone 4 taking her am sure you understand she is very bad news. It difficult 4 someone that has nott been there to understand y you will wait so much of your life on someone that is obviously dragging you down but we on L'S can understand as our stories are equally dramatic.

 

However you cannot love this girl: its the drama that has gotten to you. You r just engulfed in drama that can destroy you not love. Remember you have other people who love you like your mum and family. Don't be selfish. Get your life together for thier sake and yours. Don't give her your car without a fight. Fight it to the bitter end. Tell her to eff up.

 

Go out and celebrate your redemption; its actually a gud riddance to very bad rubish