simsim Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I know I'm probably thinking way too hard about this but I'm not used to the cool, detached male personality. I've dated a lot of guys who come on really strong emotionally and physically, and I definitely knew where I stood. This new guy has me in knots though. We've had 4 fantastic dates. Great conversation and witty banter throughout. I feel like I've finally found someone on my wavelength. Gave me a quick kiss good night after date 3, date 4 was spending 6 hours at his house a few nights ago watching funny movies and listening to music and talking. No touching or kissing. He mentioned a girl on date 3 but quickly said "But I'm not seeing her now or anything..." We've never explicitly talked about what we're "looking for" here, and he seems a bit closed off to broaching the subject (and of course my crazy female brain thinks he's so much more attractive because of it). But then again, I'M closed off to broaching the subject, because I'm scared to take that next step. So since we last saw each other I've been the one to text him. I texted him a couple times the day after we hung out, skipped Sunday, and then texted him a couple times Monday. Just innocuous texts about sports and stuff we'd talked about. I didn't bring up getting together again. Each and every text I sent, he'd reply right back with an enthusiastic response (even a couple smilies!) Today I was kind of hoping he'd send some random text. I finally broke down a texted a little while ago about a show we'd talked about, and of course he sends back a long response and seems happy (or at least not annoyed) to hear from me. Still sad cause I'm feeling paranoid that I'm reaching out too much. Before, we initiated about the same % of time, but since I last saw him I've been the one to get in contact. Some of my gfs tell me I'm being crazy and to text him and invite him out, but I kind of initiated the last meet up so I feel like i should wait for him to make the move? Other gfs are of the school of thought where women should never initiate the hang outs. What do you make of this? Part of me hopes he kind of hates rejection too and feels like he shouldn't text me everyday. But then again I am so used to clingy guys I don't think I even know what normal behavior is. If a guy is really into a girl, does he sometimes pull back, maybe play hard to get a little bit, let a day pass without contact? I wouldn't bat an eyelash if another date was already nailed down, but I don't know when I'll see him again. Feeling super anxious, but on the other hand it's making me want him reeeeeaaally bad, so maybe he knows what he's doing...
Shashasha Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Urgh! I totally feel where you are coming from! Read my thread! At least your guy replied to you - mine hasnt contacted me since our last date and worst - didf respond to my message. I feel so frustrated. I think you should let him do the job for this time round - like someone replied to my thread saying - we need to be pursued. Give it a break and wait for him to make the move!! Be patient and keep me updated!! we are both in this together x 1
Author simsim Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Urgh! I totally feel where you are coming from! Read my thread! At least your guy replied to you - mine hasnt contacted me since our last date and worst - didf respond to my message. I feel so frustrated. I think you should let him do the job for this time round - like someone replied to my thread saying - we need to be pursued. Give it a break and wait for him to make the move!! Be patient and keep me updated!! we are both in this together x aw thanks girl. i hope he responds. men are strange and so are their communication patterns... it sucks to watch your phone all day. you start to hate anyone else who texts you, haha.
Shashasha Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 aw thanks girl. i hope he responds. men are strange and so are their communication patterns... it sucks to watch your phone all day. you start to hate anyone else who texts you, haha. Haha! Yeah, men are SO hard to understand. One day thy are all interested and then the next , they act like it's nothing. Yes, i have stopped watcjing my phone all day - i realised it gets me nowhere - distracting myself with loveshack! Hope things work out for both of us!!!
Author simsim Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Men have to have a cool text pattern and not seem too available. If he was a frequent texter your desire for him would be much lower. He knows what he is doing.. ahh see this is what i want to hear, LOL! my exes were both professing their love to me within week 2 of meeting. i eventually lost interest. i think there's something to be said about this whole, "make her sweat a little." it sure freaking works on me. now the biggest question - how do you get someone that you're obsessing over out of your head? Lol...I can accept the fact that I can't control what happens but I am driving myself nucking futs over this dude!
Shashasha Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 ahh see this is what i want to hear, lol! My exes were both professing their love to me within week 2 of meeting. I eventually lost interest. I think there's something to be said about this whole, "make her sweat a little." it sure freaking works on me. Now the biggest question - how do you get someone that you're obsessing over out of your head? Lol...i can accept the fact that i can't control what happens but i am driving myself nucking futs over this dude! distract yourself!!!
Ruby Slippers Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I'm not used to the cool, detached male personality The cool, detached male will became very warm and attached with a woman he really, really likes. We've never explicitly talked about what we're "looking for" here, and he seems a bit closed off to broaching the subject (and of course my crazy female brain thinks he's so much more attractive because of it). But then again, I'M closed off to broaching the subject, because I'm scared to take that next step. OK, well, you have good self-awareness here. But you're already walking on eggshells because you're afraid to lose him. You're setting up the dynamic right now for how things will be for the rest of your relationship. Is this really what you want? To go crazy for an aloof guy, suffering in silence because you'd rather do that than lose him? Recipe for resentment, unhappiness, and failure. Take it from someone who's been there and done that So since we last saw each other I've been the one to text him. I texted him a couple times the day after we hung out, skipped Sunday, and then texted him a couple times Monday. Just innocuous texts about sports and stuff we'd talked about. I didn't bring up getting together again. Initiating contact in the early stages = chasing. You're stealing his thunder and obliterating any mystique that could make him want to reach out to you. Today I was kind of hoping he'd send some random text. I finally broke down a texted a little while ago about a show we'd talked about, and of course he sends back a long response and seems happy (or at least not annoyed) to hear from me. More chasing. Still sad cause I'm feeling paranoid that I'm reaching out too much. Are you sad because you're paranoid or sad because you're doing all the work here? If a guy is really into a girl, does he sometimes pull back, maybe play hard to get a little bit, let a day pass without contact? No. If a guy is really into a girl, he makes that abundantly clear, and you never have to doubt it. He won't want to risk losing you. I wouldn't bat an eyelash if another date was already nailed down, but I don't know when I'll see him again. Feeling super anxious, but on the other hand it's making me want him reeeeeaaally bad, so maybe he knows what he's doing... Again, good self-awareness. You can keep agonizing, or stop chasing him and start enjoying your life again. Your choice. 3
Author simsim Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 4 dates + no sex = bye bye. But the thing is, he's the one holding me at arm's length. I probably would've already slept with him by now if he'd initiated anything. Ruby Slippers, thanks for your post! It is making me think that I may just be seeing what I want to see... It does seem to be a case of "He's just not that into you"! I mean of course I still hold out hope... 1
Criticality Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Yeah, I'm sure he hangs out with you cause you're so awesome to listen to music with... Don't be afraid to be a little more forward and take some initiative. Only makes it interesting if the hunter becomes the hunted for once.
Author simsim Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Yeah, I'm sure he hangs out with you cause you're so awesome to listen to music with... Don't be afraid to be a little more forward and take some initiative. Only makes it interesting if the hunter becomes the hunted for once. Ahh so you're saying you think I should ask him on our next date?
Charlie Harper Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 He might be a passive man. In a way he likes to be chased. I am exactly like that and I tend to get really close and be funny and romantic but I WILL NEVER INITIATE. After a woman initiates and lets me know I am wanted...I go for it and become much more relaxed and balanced in the communication. If you want him don't text him and chase him, look for him go out and tell him and if you want him initiate sex or whatever.... let the chips fall where they may... And good luck! :-) 1
ascendotum Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) aw thanks girl. i hope he responds. men are strange and so are their communication patterns... it sucks to watch your phone all day. you start to hate anyone else who texts you, haha. lol Read your sentences with the sick & embarrassed faces. Its not what you want but its working a treat with you. Let him set something up. "I probably would've already slept with him by now if he'd initiated anything." This is why the school of thought where women should never initiate, does not mean they will not end up getting taken for a ride especially when it comes to shy, slightly insecure or lots of options guys. A womanizer who knows what he's doing would have had you on your back and would now be fobbing you off and ignoring your txts. Its tricky for sure in such situations. Having plenty of options is a really good thing, so you don't have to get too invested in one outcome, though it can be hard if a specific person really gets you both physically & mentally aroused. good luck. Edited October 23, 2013 by ascendotum
TheBladeRunner Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Ahh so you're saying you think I should ask him on our next date? I've been at this mess for a long time and I have been advanced on by a woman twice. I LOVE an aggressive woman! I say attack if you really like the guy, what's the worst than can happen?
Shashasha Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I've been at this mess for a long time and I have been advanced on by a woman twice. I LOVE an aggressive woman! I say attack if you really like the guy, what's the worst than can happen? I dont rhink all men like aggressive woman - some of them might be put off?
Assasda Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Men like aggressive women. He knows that you like him, and he wants you to pursue. It is fine to miss a day of communication this early. Personally, I'm not big on Text messages, and I dont do a lot of it. Make a date with him. THIS ALL SOUNDS VERY GOOD TO ME
vik1990 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Has his behavior hinted that he might be a shy person? Maybe thats why he is afraid to take the next step. But him not initiating texts is a bit of a worry here. I'd say don't text him at all for a couple days, and see his reaction. If he texts, then tensions will be high, take the opportunity and tell him you want this to go forward. Please answer mine
Author simsim Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) Thanks y'all. I'm still a little confused and bewildered by guys - it seems like some LOVE the woman pursuing and others are put off by it. I think I'm going to play it cool today, hold off contacting unless he does. Fingers crossed! Although I'm really entranced by this particular guy, I think dating him has at least made me realize that I don't want to settle for anything less than that prized strong physical AND mental connection that I wasn't sure was possible. There ARE guys out there who are respectful and actually try to get to know you before trying to sleep with you. My eyes are open to the possibilities! GOD I love dating, haha. It's so stressful but so exciting! The rush of adrenaline, the mystery, the giddiness, not knowing what things will be like 24 hours from now...it's a fun moment in my life when I have completely embraced being single. And ironically, finally being happy single has actually made me feel emotionally ready for a relationship. Edited October 23, 2013 by simsim
Sunfire73 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I let the guy pursue me first during the dating stage, because I want a guy that leads. If I like him, I will always say yes and that's when he would know I am interested. Once we are exclusive or have a relationship then we can take turns in initiating dates or activities. 2
Author simsim Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 So, good news! I resisted every urge I had and didn't text him at all yesterday. He sent a friendly text this morning and I just thought "eff it, I'm going to invite him to the game" (have tickets to a basketball game next week and have been wanting to invite him). He enthusiastically accepted and then followed up by saying he had been planning to invite me to a concert this weekend! YAY! I think we like each other but we're in the stage where neither of us want to come on too strong. But we now officially have 2 dates planned, I couldn't be more giddy! 1
truth_seeker Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 aw thanks girl. i hope he responds. men are strange and so are their communication patterns... you girls are the same way
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