iceisles Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 I've been talking to this girl from SC for about two months, and she is completely crazy about me. Crazy to the point of telling me she loves me, sending me gifts, etc. Being lonely and vulnerable, I made the big mistake of letting her get WAY too attached to me, and now I've dug myself into a hole for which there is no easy way out of. She's under the impression that we are going to date, that I will come visit her and vice versa. The thing is, I really don't want any more long-distance relationships. They may work for some folks, but I want to be able to see someone fairly often. I'm far too affectionate to only see my g/f once every other month (or more), ya know? My ex, living 3 hours away, was technically a long distance relationship, and that fell apart primarily due to distance. There is no way I can have a relationship with someone who lives 7+ hours away - even if they do visit now and then. The second component to this is going to sound awful and make it seem like I'm really superficial. The thing is - I'm not attracted to her at all. She sent some picture a few days ago, and she's just not my type. I know that looks aren't everything, but I do believe that you have to be at least somewhat attracted to the person, ya know? I know this may make me sound like a jerk, but I honestly need to be a little attracted to someone, and I'm totally not with her. So, I have to break the news that I am not interested in a relationship, although I'm afraid she thinks we are already in one. That is definitely my fault - she was turning on the charm/romance and I did nothing to shut it down. It's just that I've been lonely and really liked the attention. I know this is going to hurt her really bad, and I am definitely not in the business of breaking people's hearts. I know I have to be upfront with her, but I don't know when. She has been having some serious problems in her life, including the death of a friend, an abusive parent, and an ex-bf who literally tried to kill her. Now seems like the worst possible time to dump this on her, so I don't know if I should wait awhile before telling her how I feel. As they say, it's never good to kick someone that's already down, you know? I know you will agree that I have to tell her I don't want a relationship with her. I will just emphasize the distance thing, because I don't want to damage her self-esteem by saying I'm not attracted to her. I know she will think that's the reason, though - I know I would if it were me. I feel like crap for feeling this way, but I just am not attracted to her at all. What I really wanted your advice on was the timing. Should I just cut the strings right now despite her life problems, or should I wait until she is in a "better" mood? This is a real tough call - I'm going to break her heart one way or another, but I don't know when to go ahead with this. If you have any thoughts, I'd greatly appreciate them.
Pocky Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Don't prolong the agony - for both of you. Tell her as soon as you can.
Merin Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by Pocky Don't prolong the agony - for both of you. Tell her as soon as you can. Ditto what Pocky said.
Author iceisles Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Yeah, I was thinking about bringing it up tonight. I should kick myself for letting her fall for me like she did, when I knew that this isn't really what I wanted. I hope she'll be understanding, but most times breaking hearts doesn't go well.
EC Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 What are you going to wait until she's finally happy and then break up with her??? Yeah thats nice? I say break up with her as soon as possible.
Author iceisles Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Well, I wasn't going to wait for her to be "happy" per se`, it's just that she been through hell lately and this surely won't help. But I guess there is no point on dragging this on, either. Man, this stuff surely isn't easy to do sometimes, but I guess no one ever said it was.
Author iceisles Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Is there any way I can approach this where she won't think it has anything to do with her pictures? The breakup is going to hurt her, but there's no need to have her believe that is one of the reasons. I'm not a proponent of lying, but I do believe in sparing someone's feelings when it's feasible to do so.
Author iceisles Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Well, I just told her and she took it better than I thought - at least on the surface. I still feel like total crap, though. Can I have some reassurance, guys?
Author iceisles Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 She said she totally understands and would be happy to remain friends. She said she knows that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her, which is true. I think me telling her that I still want to be part of her life helped, and she expressed that she is still rattled by her recent breakup as well and maybe some space is a good thing. I explained that there wasn't anyone else, and she replied "I know". Somehow I was expecting a shattered heart and so far all she has shown is a slight crack. I still feel horrible for doing this to her, though, but I suppose it's better to have a conscience than not.
EC Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 I really hope for her sake it was just a crack. It really is hard and she was probably putting up an "I'm going to be ok " front. I hope you do mean that about still being a part of her life because people take that to heart sometimes. Your not horrible don't feel that way. You did what you had to do and she should appreciate the fact that you were so honest with her.
Author iceisles Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 She certainly appreciates my honesty, and even said so herself. I really hope she isn't putting up a front because I wanted this to go as smooth as possible. And I really do want to be part of her life, as friends. I think she understand that's all I want and if I want something more, I'll tell her. I can't see how she could be THAT crazy about me - we've only been talking about 6-7 weeks. She liked me a lot, and I hope staying around as her friend will help ease whatever heartache is she experiencing.
moon Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 There has to be some part of her that isn't 100% sure this relationship is going to work either. For one thing it's long distance, which is always a bit of a gray area. I'd tell her as soon as possible that you just don't think you're right for each other. You can throw in all the other garbage about being busy and not wanting a long distance relationship. But I would kind of help her to realize that you two won't be able to make it. Don't tell her how unattractive her loneliness is. She probably doesn't even realize that you notice. Many times I think this just comes off as loneliness, when maybe she is quite busy but soooo insecure about a relationship that she comes off deperate (I think some girls have a tendency to do this---some guys think it's cute, some are repulsed by it). This generally isn't the case. I am sure she'll bounce right back. It sounds like you have been lonely, too. I'd be nice to her and really let her know that you can't do another long distance relationship and that she should find somebody else. Good luck.
Author iceisles Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Yeah, you're right. This was just one of those unpleasant things in life that nobody wants to do but was unavoidable. My hope is that she will get over it quickly, though that process may be slowed considerably because she doesn't really have/like anyone else.
bebop Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 You did the right thing - And I'd like to add that physical attraction is a very, very important aspect in a relationship. You're not a cad, not at all.
Author iceisles Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 Originally posted by bebop You did the right thing - And I'd like to add that physical attraction is a very, very important aspect in a relationship. You're not a cad, not at all. Thanks bebop, I really appreciate it. I've always found attraction to be important, as well. Since any close relationship involves some level of intimacy, there has to be some attraction there. I know I did the right thing, and I'm glad that I didn't drag this on any longer.
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