Tried it Can't stomach it, HATE IT!!

[Karlise13]

are really not all that pretty.

yes, parents love their children deeply. That said, they can also experience feelings of disgust, loathing, utter and absolute frustration as well as....yes, hate.

 

Some of the statements my friends have made about their children (privately) are things like:

 

"Goddam selfish little twerp..."

 

"So inconsiderate.....just such a little **** sometimes..."

 

"God, I want to kill him/her"

 

"Why did I think I wanted kids?"

 

"My life is an utter hell because of this kid,"

 

"Where did I go wrong?"

 

"Who the hell does he/she think he/she is? My kids treat me like ****"

 

"I'd like to just walk away and never look back"

 

"I wish I could just drop them off at the pound"

 

 

Any and all of these statements taken out of context might easily be interpreted as coming from a 'bad' parent who is incapable of love and devotion to their child.

 

That's not the case

 

These are statement coming from a person who is up against a brick wall, who needs help and is expressing a profound anger that they CAN'T fix what's wrong all the time.

 

 

Who makes you angrier than someone you love? If you feel apathetic towards someone, they generally can't enrage you.

Love can make you crazy.

 

BadDad, again....I hope things work out for you and find some help.

 

There are numerous books and boards out there for people who DON'T love parenting all the time. Look for them and talk to other parents who feel the way you do....

[RowanRavyn]

Being a parent is

H

A

R

D

 

After I left my abuser, I had moments in the middle of the night, after dealing with adjusting to working full time in retail, therapy, classes, the kids school, the sitter, cooking, the whole nine yards..when I would lay in bed and think...well, at least they had a yard to play in back there. At least I couldn't hear my neighbor doing the nasty next door. At least...at least..at least.

 

Did I EVER give serious thought to going back HELL NO!

 

When I first dated my fiance the thought of being a parent scared him crapless. Needless to say we stopped dating. I am a package deal. We went on our seperate paths for a while, and eventually we became friends, he got to know my kids as people, and we are getting married in March.

 

Sometimes we look at each other and joke about running away.

 

Would we ever in a million years do it? No.

[Karen75]

Yes, children are dependent, get dirty and often are incapable of looking after themselves. Your job as a parent, however, is to care for them, even if you're incapable of loving them-- Not to denigrate then on public message boards for the sin of being what they are: young children.

 

Call me old fashioned, but where I come from a parent's relationship with his/her children runs deeper, truer and purer than any other relationship--even "Marriage," which many on these Boards worship (or at least the ideal of Marriage).

 

It's one thing to divorce a spouse, quite another to announce to the world that you want to divorce your children, too.

 

I just love you talk all high and mighty about this situation. Did you stop to think that maybe he really is in a terrible situtation and that going home every night may not be the most joyous thing for him? Have you ever been stressed or felt like you were being pulled apart? Or maybe you are one of those wonderful dads who found a wife that stays home all day and cooks and cleans and when you get home all you have to do is sit back and enjoy everything. Not all of us live like that.

 

Not all young children are a 'blessed gift to be cherished every moment'. Some are pain in the goddamn ass, most of the time! He came on this board to get some help. He didn't post names and photos with a selling price for them.

 

K

[immoralist]

Nope, my wife and I both worked and I was the primary care giver.

 

Nice try, though.

[Karen75]

So maybe you are on the opposite end of the spectrum where you both SHARED the responsibility for everything and you didn't have to feel like you needed to work all day at the office and all night at home. This guy works all day while his wife stays at home and lets the kids tear up the house and he is expected to come home and clean it all up.

 

Do you ever try to see things from another point of view?

 

If you say that you never felt the pressure of parenthood and wondered and what a different choice might have been like, your a liar. At least he is being truthful with himself.

 

K

[BadDad]

You know what,

 

this makes a lot of sense to me, now.

 

I was talking with my son today, he's 7 last oct. I asked him why he feels it's okay to scream all the time. He said he didn't think it was screaming!

 

WHa?

 

his borther 8, told me they're allowed to scream and run so long as they don't bother mom! She listens to the iPod I bought her last year mostly. and does whatever .... I swear I did two loads of laundry Sunday after getting home form my PT job. To her credit she DID sweep the floor in the living room.

 

Now you self important folks out there hear me now, and hear me good. You all have been lucky enough to be in a somewhat doable marriage.

lucky to have had the opportunity to share your hardships with someone who cared.

I've worked almost a decade to improve our lives and what has it gotten me? A LOT OF PAIN!

 

I went to a counselor today and understood that I let this unworthey woman WALK ALL OVER ME!!!! WHY?!? Because I wanted so badly to make it work. Why? Don't know. Maybe I had a BadMom too.

 

Thanks, Karen, Moimeme, MA, and everybody who understnads where I was, and what I needed to hear.

 

Man, It was like coming off a bad trip!

 

My boys need my help. They need me to offset the damaging influence their mother has on them.

 

Ahhhhhh, It feels good to admit that!!!

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

I think I can tell what's going on here.

 

People don't read the entire thread. they just read the O.P. and then plop a kneejerk reaction into the thread.. behold the limitations of LS.

 

GirlDown, I'm dealing with the total loss of my family right now and still understand that when people are in pain, which is where all of BadDad's anger comes from, the last thing they need is to be moralized to. Boy does this world need some compassion.

 

I'm sure every parent at one time, OR MORE, has resented their kids in some way, maybe only momentarily, possibly for longer.. I think this brings up a larger issue that we as a society want very much to ignore.

 

BadDad, turn off your TV! and Stop watching the "fairytale" shows. for chrissake! It's all a pack of lies that sets everyone up for disillusionment.

 

Look, I'll say it. >I< am disillusioned with parenting. and I love my kids. Granted I might express that differently than BD, but it doesn't mean he's any less of a person. Actually, he's pretty nice guy under it all.

 

Immoralist, This is a public board. You're right. But you know what? It's a place where people come to get "HELP" Not to be kicked when they're down just because you have a difference of opinion. At least that's what I think.

 

BadDad's honesty is commendable. I'm sure he knew some people would get riled up. But that's not his fault. The responsibility for getting riled up falls squarely with those who got riled.

 

as always

 

mA

 

read the whole thread.

 

no compassion. maybe your situation is different, but that shouldn't matter, because i wasn't talking to you.

[hurtinheart]

Well i think baddad is not such a baddad @ all!!!!! I don't think people should put him down for being REAL!!!!! Children do learn by example and it dosen't seem that their mom is a good example!!!!! Take your boys and go baddad!!!!hell i have 4 boys wanna come here 6 boys no problem!!!! well in a way i know how u feel like i said befor i am married 13 yrs but i feel like a single mom in every way!!!! I would love to get out not so easy!!!!! but anyway your doing great keep up the good work!!!!!! Just make sure u tell your boys u love 'em!!!!EVERYDAY!!!!! cause i know you do!!! by your posts your boys mean more to u than we'll ever know!!!!!

[moofer]

well man..

if you do leave, you're abandoing your kids.

stop being selfish and think of their feelings and the effect it will have on their life.

find a way to deal with it..

[DacaInaru]

Gosh I hope you never need a kidney..

[RowanRavyn]

Did any of you recent posters notice where he WANTS custody of his children?

[Karen75]

BD,

 

I am so glad that you are seeing some light now. Sometimes it takes a long time to see the truth and I admire that you actually talked to your kids about it. That was a great thing. Rather than just assuming that they might be evil, too, you asked them. Proud of you!

 

I think you can be a great, positive influence on your kids even if you don't have full custody. Them most important thing is that YOU find happiness so you can help your kids recognize it.

 

I wish you all the best!

 

Karen

[Soulmate]

Parenting hard work? you bet!

Big adjustment? you bet!

Rewarding? you bet!

 

Sounds like your wife and kids act alot like you did in your post, childish. A kid acting childish....how dare they.

Grow up man.

[Lil Honey]

I just read this entire thread this morning. When I read the original post from BadDad, I was pretty shocked by the amount of anger in his words. As I read on, it is clear that he is getting help (from folks here, from a counselor, from talking to his kids) and I could "feel" his anger subsiding. So, from where I sit, it appears that the first post or two were mainly venting and being angry with his world.

 

Now, what struck me is this: He said that he has done some things in his marriage (like not coming home at certain times). He has also talked about how awful his wife is. They are BOTH responsible for what has taken place in the marriage. I wonder that if he loved her when they were first married, what changed? Did she change because of his inattentiveness? Maybe she felt unloved and/or "abandoned" when he was off doing fun things. How many times did he leave her with the kids, not giving her a break from them?

 

Okay, I'm not trying to place the blame on BadDad. Not at all. I'm simply wondering if she changed her feelings about herself and the marriage, because it wasn't working for her early on and she reacted by shutting down. Then he reacted to that by getting angry. I'm just saying that they should look at the vicious cycle that may have been created.

 

I'm not saying to stay or leave. What I am saying is to learn from mistakes, so they aren't repeated.

[BadDad]

I read a book someone recommended here called I'm okay, you're a brat!

 

I'm amazed!

 

I WAS sucked into the notion that>I< was evil for feeling the way I did about being a parent. ANd I can totally see where my wife is coming from. AND There are so many guilt trippers even on this board that it makes me laugh!! PATHETIC! Whoever made that Rec, on the book! THANK YOU! GOD BLESS YOU! MAY YOU BE SAINTED IN HEAVEN FOREVER!!!!!

I don't think my marriage is gonna last, but I think I can at least start to figure out what's going on.

 

I let go of all that stuff about feeling that >I'm< to blame if they don't tuen out right. I let go of a lot, and the stress just melts away.

 

New years was harsh, BUt Like Moose said, I put my foot down and things are slowly improving.

 

Wifey, oh she still hits everybody, me included. BUt I just laugh at her, and tell her when she hits the boys, " It's YOUR hand that hurts, Not mine"

 

I feels really good to be able to admit that raising kids is not all it's cracked up to be. ANd that I can dislike parenting and love my kids!

 

It's hard, they CAN be little brats, I DO want to strangle them some times, and if you don't God Bless you! You have what Susan Jeffers would call the LBP Genes.

 

Shout out to MA the phone calls helped buddy! Good luck with your daughters man, Yeah they'll be fine with a Dad like you. JUST FINE!!

 

Peace out all, I gotta raise my boys.

 

Little monsters that they are.

[RowanRavyn]

Good Goin' Bad Dad!

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by BadDad

 

Shout out to MA the phone calls helped buddy! Good luck with your daughters man, Yeah they'll be fine with a Dad like you. JUST FINE!!

 

Peace out all, I gotta raise my boys.

 

Little monsters that they are.

 

Thanks man! I needed to read that just now.

 

I'm going to say it again. TURN OFF THE TV!! It's ALL fiction!

 

And you know what my friend?

 

I think it's time you changed your handle.

 

You are most definitely a GOOD Dad!

 

Carry on brother, carry on.

 

as always

 

MA

[moimeme]

Wifey, oh she still hits everybody, me included.

 

Huh? 'Still hits everybody'??? Um.

 

BUt I just laugh at her, and tell her when she hits the boys, " It's YOUR hand that hurts, Not mine"

 

How's about 'stop that or I'll call the police'? It's not funny if she's hitting. At all.

[ImKris]

BadDad,

 

Just a few of my thoughts,

 

Your not a bad dad first of all.

 

Your a man who isn't being listened to by the woman you chose for a wife.

 

Your in the Blame Game by blaming her and your children for your misery and not acknowledging your share of the responsibility.

 

It took the two of you to create how you are presently living your lives. The two of you made choices, obviously not the best ones, you have probably said a lot of crap that wouldn't charm a snake let alone another human being.

 

I recommend setting your anger aside long enough to remind yourself how good it can be when it's good. Let that motivate you to a marriage counselor or into private therapy. You and your children will benefit from it and possibly your wife.

 

Don't leave your relationship with unresolved issues. If you do, the fight and the anger you carry will live with you for the rest of your life. It will get into your children and they will repeat their parents behavior. Your going to teach them to hate.

 

Turn it around as soon as you can by getting help.

 

Good Luck.

[Karlise13]

I'm so glad you read Susan Jeffer's book.

 

I have to tell you, MANY of my friends with kids FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO!!!

 

They feel constantly guilty, overwhelmed, pulled in seven directions with no time for themselves, all their own wishes and desires squashed by responsibility. Yes, they often feel resentful! It's normal!

 

I recommend that book to everyone!!!

 

It's also good for people without kids to read. It helps them better understand what the real deal is.

 

Well, I hope things get better for you. I hope a weight is lifted from you and that you can enjoy the parts of parenting you DO like.

[OpheliasDescent2]

BadDad, you are not a bad person, or even a bad father, if your kids don't know what you are going through especially. It sounds as if you and your WIFE need help, not you and your kids. There may be discipline issues, I have the SAME EXACT problem with my now-ex. He believes one thing, I another, and Im pregnant with his kid and hes not really around! In some ways its better that way because all we do is argue. I think you should examine other ways of doing things before leaving, because your kids will only suffer. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done (I have a 2 1/2 yr old too) and I feel like throwing up my hands and taking off sometimes too, but I know I cant... Fathers are NOT second-rate parents because for one thing, I should know- My DAD not my mom was there for me my entire life, and they were married for a long time before divorcing. He is still there for me as a matter of fact, when I need to talk , etc, and i am 24 yrs old. I think that you need some space to calm down, especially since you work two jobs, that is sooo stressful... my ex was doing the same thing, and its hard when you have someone with a bad attitude all of the time, I must confess I was doing the same thing to him, as he was to me. I wish you luck, and i hope that things work out for you and your kids, if not you and your wife.

 

Meg

[OpheliasDescent2]

Wow, i saw that "Im ok, youre a brat" book at Half Price Books the other day.. should have got it !! ::kicks herself:: I could use that too

 

You rock BadDad, for thinking things through and finding other possibilities.

 

Meg

[freebird]

Geez - he's just venting ya'll.

 

At least he's honest enough to do it! I bet he's not the only guy or gal who feels this way!

 

Don't worry dude...time will help...you just got to get used to the whole atmosphere. One day you just might be sitting there when everything is quiet, the wife is happy and you're content! It happens when you least expect it!

[bunnzy]

this thread is like, 9 months old. who dug it up?

 

By the way, this guy would suck to be married to, or to have as a dad.

[HokeyReligions]

Yes, what he is saying is not exactly a Hallmark sentiment BUT did you ever stop to think about what his situation is and how he may have arrived there? Maybe him and his wife decided on no children before they got married, maybe his wife was a responsible, hardworking person who felt her bio-clock ticking and begged to have kids. LOTS of women try to change the agreement and convince men to have kids with the promise that things will be under control. All of a sudden he finds himself in the situation of a couple of bratty kids and a wife that stays at home all day, eating bonbons, watching TV, letting the kids destroy the house, etc. Also, how do you know that he wasn't trapped into having kids? I'm not saying all women are like this, not by a long shot BUT there are a LOT of women out there who use kids as their meal tickets, trap guys and then do not want to step up and to their part to keep things in order.

 

Why burn him at the stake for being honest. AND keep in mind that he is saying all of this becasue HE IS STILL THERE! He DIDN'T run off somewhere else and avoid his responsibility!

 

 

I also don't think it's fair to try and make him feel bad for all of the people out there who CAN'T have kids.

 

All I can say is that if you are truly that unhappy at home you need to take some time and distance yourself from it. If you decide it's not the life for you then you should leave but that doesn't absolve you from at least teh financial responsibilty of your kids. You did still lay down to make them. If you decide to stay remember that this is your life, too and you do have a say. Stand up for yourself, use some discipline, set some rules. There is nothing worse than a man who bitches about the 'ol' ball and chain' and then goes home to allow himself to be a doormat.

 

 

Karen said what I was going to say. Sometimes people just aren't cut out to be parents. Sadly, they don't find out until after they have kids---whether they decided to or 'gave in' to pressure from their spouse.

 

OP - it sounds like you need to get a grip on your own life. You sound frustrated because you don't have any control over YOUR life - you have given up control to others.

 

Perhaps before you run away, you should look at getting some help and counseling for yourself so that you can make the right decision for you AND for your family and the decision is not made out of anger or frustration.

 

I'm not saying to get counseling to find a way to stay and deal - that might not be the right answer. It could be that the best dad you can be is one who is not there. If you are not happy that is going to have a negative effect not only on you, but also on your children and your wife. Kids who have happy/content parents tend to grow up happier and make better decisions for themselves. Kids who don't (and believe me, they can feel/intuit the unhappiness in YOU) have more tendencies to expect less and make poorer decisions in regards to their own relationships and are more likely to be unhappy themselves.

 

If you leave after having gone to counseling and made an informed and rational decision that is going to send a signal to the kids that it OK to have problems and show them that getting help is OK; rather than showing them that they should stick it out even if they are miserable.

 

Everyone is hurting now and it's going to hurt if you leave, but once you all establish new routines it will be easier. You DO need to stay involved with your children - not just financially---but it will be easier for you when you are in control of your life and are happier. You will enjoy your time with them rather than dreading it.