Tried it Can't stomach it, HATE IT!!

[jellybean]

Kids - YUCK!...I hate them (and I've had the tubal ligation done while in my 20's to prove it).

 

I always knew that for me it would end up being a huge responsibility that I don't want.

[EC]

Yeah, you're Parent of the Year material. You're one selfish dude, who's only out for Number 1--yourself. Yeah, kids are a pain (I know , I'm raising 2) and spouses gain weight. Life is a bit#h, and then you die.

 

No one put a gun to your head and said fu#k your wife. You did so so voluntarily. You've made these kids, now take care of them. Stop whining and love and care for your kids.

 

 

__________________

 

I agree. I mean go back to the beginning. I know you didnt want kids but w/e go back to when she was pregnant for the first time. As you saw her belly getting bigger. Feeling the baby kick, hearing it's heart beat. Knowing that inside her belly there was a little part of you forming? Holding your baby for the first time at the hospital....

 

You are being very selfish. Having and taking care of your kids is not an obligation but a privilege. But I agree that parents do go through this at some point but thats when you have to go back and think about your childhood as well.

 

My father left because he couldn't stand my mother and left my brother and I..After treating us like crap. Do you think I ever forgave him...

Don't make your kids hate you. I'm sure they look up to you so much.

 

I agree you should take a break..a little mini vacation if you can...Is there anyway you can find a babysitter for a while and take off for a couple days. Find your 'happy place' again? You could maybe even take your wife if you'd like to work things out. Maybe you guys would have a fun time together w/o the kids. But don't let the fact that your marriage is not going so well out on your kids. They have nothing to do with it.

[moimeme]

I'm guessing the wife persuaded him that 'once you have them, you'll love being a parent' and so he bought the myth and bit the bullet - and then found out that it might happen for some folks, but not for all. Now this guy who was bamboozled into doing something he didn't want to do is being berated for it.

 

Let this be a lesson to everyone who thinks that s/he should persuade the spouse to have kids against all the spouse's objections. It may backfire on you bigtime. Leave this dude alone. You'll flock to support adulterers but someone who is honest about not liking parenthood gets the tar beaten out of him. There are animals that procreate but then aren't good parents. Not every living being is cut out to be a parent just because it can reproduce itself. The shame is that parenthood is such a sacred cow that nobody's allowed to suggest it might not be all the fairytales say it is.

[Merin]

Originally posted by moimeme

I'm guessing the wife persuaded him that 'once you have them, you'll love being a parent' and so he bought the myth and bit the bullet - and then found out that it might happen for some folks, but not for all. Now this guy who was bamboozled into doing something he didn't want to do is being berated for it.

 

Let this be a lesson to everyone who thinks that s/he should persuade the spouse to have kids against all the spouse's objections. It may backfire on you bigtime. Leave this dude alone. You'll flock to support adulterers but someone who is honest about not liking parenthood gets the tar beaten out of him. There are animals that procreate but then aren't good parents. Not every living being is cut out to be a parent just because it can reproduce itself. The shame is that parenthood is such a sacred cow that nobody's allowed to suggest it might not be all the fairytales say it is.

 

How exactly was he "bamboozled"?

 

It seems fairly clear that he has no problems saying what he likes, doesn't like, wants and doesn't want.. even if you go out on a limb and say okay maybe his wife convinced him to have a child against his better judgment, told him how he would learn to love being a Dad ect.. so it turned out after his FIRST child was born that it wasn't all he had hoped for or thought it would be.. Okay fine.. so what happend after that? His wife "bamboozled" him AGAIN in having another child against his better judgment? Being a Dad wasn't working so much for him the first time.. so yeah.. have another one and "see if it gets easier"

 

I have no problem with the fact he doesn't like being a parent.. all good, his choice.. what I do have a problem with his blaming his kids for HIS choices, calling them names and seething with hate for choices HE made. It seems his unhappiness is EVERYONE ELSE's fault but HIS.

 

While there may be ANIMALS who procreate and aren't "good parents" we as HUMAN BEINGS are suppose to be smarter and wiser in making choices for ourselves. And while not every human being is cut out to be a parent because they can reproduce themself, it's ridiculous to CONTINUE to reproduce yourself when YOU KNOW you aren't wanting the responsibility of children simply because you can.

 

I will tell anyone staight up being a parent ISN'T a fairytale and anyone who thinks it is would be lying or fooling themselves.. it isn't easy.

 

However being an ADULT isn't easy either and like it or not his children didn't ask for this.. they didn't get to choose who would be thier parent(s).

 

I can't feel sorry for him, I am a parent and there are some days that are harder than others.. BUT that is the choice I MADE as an ADULT and will follow through with all the responsibility that includes in raising them.. YEP even when it's hard.

 

BTW.. I don't support adultery either.. but at least when adultry is committed it is between CONSENTING ADULTS.. an ADULT CHOICE.. little kids don't have the same options so to compare adultry and the support of it to this is ridiculous.

[moimeme]

The fact is if the man hates being a father, he is not the man who needs to be spending every day with the kids. He's not going to force himself to enjoy it with any success and he doesn't even like his wife. All you do in encouraging him to stay is condemn his kids to living in a miserable household. Which will do them no good at all. Let the man be. I think he should leave. I'll bet he'll be a much better dad as a part-time dad than he will forced to stay in a situation he finds unendurable.

 

But hey, why care about the effect on the kids when you can moralize at him about how 'selfish' he is?

 

I repeat: those kids do NOT need to grow up in a household where both parents are miserable. Give them a thought.

[Merin]

Originally posted by moimeme

The fact is if the man hates being a father, he is not the man who needs to be spending every day with the kids. He's not going to force himself to enjoy it with any success and he doesn't even like his wife. All you do in encouraging him to stay is condemn his kids to living in a miserable household. Which will do them no good at all. Let the man be. I think he should leave. I'll bet he'll be a much better dad as a part-time dad than he will forced to stay in a situation he finds unendurable.

 

But hey, why care about the effect on the kids when you can moralize at him about how 'selfish' he is?

 

I repeat: those kids do NOT need to grow up in a household where both parents are miserable. Give them a thought.

 

I am NOT encouraging him to stay and be a bad parent. I said in my first response that if this is the kind of parent he is then he should leave.

 

Don't give me any bullsh*t about how I don't care about the effects of children when they have sh*tty parents Moimeme I AM a PARENT and guess what a SINGLE MOM at that.. WHY is that YOU NEVER ASKED.. because I DO CARE how a bad parent or relationship would effect my kids!

 

Spare me the bleeding heart and sad violin song about how this "poor guy" is stuck because someone else MADE him procreate. Do his kids a big favour and leave if he can't or won't do the right things for them.

[immoralist]

The shame is that parenthood is such a sacred cow that nobody's allowed to suggest it might not be all the fairytales say it is.

 

The shame is that "marriage" is such a sacred cow that nobody's allowed to suggest it might not be all the fairytales say it is.[font=century gothic][/font]

 

Merin, from one parent to another, I can only say, "You go, girl!"

[moimeme]

The shame is that "marriage" is such a sacred cow that nobody's allowed to suggest it might not be all the fairytales say it is

 

Um. No. The point is that if you don't like marriage you should leave just as this guy should leave if he doesn't like parenthood. The point is that taking some coward's way out like having affairs does nobody any good - if you can't make a go of it and if you've made an honest effort to try, then accept the facts and remove yourself from the situation.

 

I never said marriage was a fairytale. In fact, I firmly believe some people are not suited to being married at all for that very reason. Marriage is hard work as is parenthood and people are not necessarily suited to either of them.

 

Don't give me any bullsh*t about how I don't care about the effects of children

 

Did I mention you in my reply? Did I quote you in my reply? Then don't assume my remarks were directed at you.

[Merin]

Originally posted by moimeme

Um. No. The point is that if you don't like marriage you should leave just as this guy should leave if he doesn't like parenthood.

 

 

 

Did I mention you in my reply? Did I quote you in my reply? Then don't assume my remarks were directed at you.

 

[Patiently waiting]

I have been a single mom since May and sometimes I want to jump off a bridge! My stbex told me at the time I discovered he was having an affair, that he never wanted our 2nd child. To this day he says he will never recover from the fact that I "surprised" him with my pregnancy. What?? He knew damn well I was not taking any birth control! We had decided on 2 children even before we got married and even then we waited 6 years so we could do all the things we wanted to before we had children and couldn't do them.

He occasionally would mention that he was satisfied with just one child and wouldn't mind not having another. (I later found out the reason: he said he wasn't able to afford the party lifestyle he had grown accustom to. But he never considered getting a better job, he did have a B.S. in business afterall....just lazy) I had different feelings about that though. I wanted 2 children and it wasn't fair for him to all of a sudden change his mind after 7 years of marriage and already having our first child! I wasn't gonna just up and leave at that point to re-marry and have that 2nd child cause I also had strong feelings about my kids having the same dad. My mom had me with one man and my brother with another. It always bothered me for some reason that our family was so parceled out. I also swore I would never get a divorce.....well, after his affair I really tried to forgive him, but he ruined it forever. I just couldn't do it.

 

The first child was very planned but he was mad that it wasn't all romantic like he expected. He said he wished it would have been a surprise. So, with the 2nd I just didn't say anything about it as this is what HE had wanted the first time! I tried to make up for the unromantic way the first one was conceived. Guess it backfired though..... Well, both times I got pregnant the first month of trying, I just calculated the days and it happened immediately, my kids are 19 months apart. I was 34 when I had the first one so it wasn't like we hadn't had a chance to live our own lives first.

 

So, now he holds the fact that he thinks I "tricked" him against me, says he will NEVER recover. That it was part of the reason why he had an affair. What a selfish, immature person he is........

 

Now I am the mom and the dad, he only sees them every other weekend and Weds nights, never calls them in between. Limited as his time is with them, he still wants to bring them back early. And yes, sometimes I want to run away from my kids, they can be holy terrors! But......I am their mom and I chose to have them. I may tear my hair out, but I will never leave them. I love them, they are my babies!!!

 

I wonder if one day he will regret what he has said and done.......

 

Oh, and BTW.....I don't eat cheez-its or bon bons. I still look great!

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by BAdDad

I know I did some dumb s*** during the marriage, not fixin stuff, goin out with my buddies early on, Not buying her presents and standing my ground on things, where I should've done what she asked, come home, and been more accomodating. It's like she just shut down and started expanding. know what, She's a friggin black hole!

Any chances to fix things between you and your wife?

If you started being nicer to each other perhaps you'lll see everything else-expecially being a parent- in a more positive light.

 

I think that being too busy disliking your partner makes a lot of other things -including having kids with her!- look like sh*t.

 

You described your wife as a manipulative, nagging, ugly b*tch.

I don't know her and I don't know you, but perhaps the attitude you had during your marriage made her become what she is now?

A man who neglects his wife(not being romantic, never buying her presents, spending out all night with other people while she's stuck at home) could turn many women into nagging shrews.

 

Perhaps if you stopped seeing her as a black hole, but tried to see her instead as the person you once fell in love with, she might perceive this and she also might change her attitude towards you.

[BadDad]

Originally posted by Merin

Yeah I sure do have kids.. 2 of them.

 

I'm also a single Mom.

 

Yeah being a parent isn't easy, giving all the time isn't easy, giving up what you want for your little people isn't easy.. and I never said it was.

 

I still stand by my original post.. these are your kids, you are the adult regardless IF you like it, or it's not as easy as you think it should be. This also isn't ALL your wifes fault.. seems to me you had every opportunity to say NO I don't want kids to begin with and from what you've said, you have more than one kiddo... so again accept your part in the responsibilty that YOU choose to reproduce.

 

If your so unhappy with your wife then get out.. but don't blame your kids for the situation YOU as an adult put yourself in.

 

BTW based on your thread and your response to others.. I'm not at all suprised your wife says you have a bad attitude.

 

You're only getting the angry part of me, here. most people use this to post problems. I'm sorry you can't look past your own issues to face the fact that this is a help board, and not a place to crucify people who are in crisis.

 

I'm going for custody of my kids!

 

I read a good book last night, "Throwaway Dads". I see what I've been up against. It's not that I DON"T want to be a Dad, and love and RAISE my kids, it's that I've been up against a whole twisted mindset that >I< bought into. Just to prove that there is life after anger, I apologize for attacking anyone. I will file for divorce from my vebally abusive(+) wife, and push for sole custody of the boys. Theres WAY too much precedence to support my case. I only scratched the surface of the damaging situation me and my boys are in. I gotta get em out and build some discipline into their tlives. THAT'S what has to happen.

 

I forgive you.

[MassiveAtom]

BD,

 

I'm going through a divorce right now. It's very important that you know and accept the following. Your children will fare better in life if you remain in their lives. But you have to either fix things with your wife, or stop things with your wife. I actually can't wait until my STBXW is out the door. I can greive the loss of the marriage and set about the task of being the best dad I can be, and experience the relief of the reality of her absence.

 

I know, I hate it too when they're up all night, running roughshod over what little peace you do manage to get. And I also know that they need you most at the worst of times. I risk assumption in that I think you may be viewing your wife's role in your life in a manner that doesn't match reality. That leads to frustration for many, many, many men.

 

For all the ladies, There are tons of books and stuff out there with the premise that men need fixing. Yeah, there's a lot of things a lot of men do need help with. Just because they need help, it doesn't make them incapable. Lighten up on the guy, he's obviously working his problem.

 

as always,

 

MA

[MassiveAtom]

Adunaphel,

 

I tried being romantic, available, supportive, affectionate, and compassionate with MY wife.

 

She didn't trust that I was doing it for real!

 

Sometimes it's not worth saving.

 

and there's nothing that can be done.

 

MA

[Elmo]

If you are a woman reading this thread....take it to heart.

 

Most men are not THAT enamored with having kids. Some are, however most get talked into it. Alot of men say, well, Okay Honey...if it will make you happy.

 

Then the Mom's want the Dad's to become Mom's and change diapers, etc.

 

I think this is bizarre thought.

 

Women, if you want a kid...and you didn't get a 100% agreement from the Dad...be prepared to earn the money to take care of it.

 

And don't gripe.

 

And don't say the Dad "ruined" them. You are the architecht in your childs life. Bad choice if you chose someone who "ruined" them.

 

Not being rude, just real.

[whichwayisup]

Hey you are speaking what you feel. That is great! This place is for venting. Reading your post I never doubted you DIDN'T love your kids! Ofcourse you do! That is why the piss you off so much!! I don't have any kids yet, but I do have nieces and nephews. That is good enough for me right now. They are like DOGS, kids are. They stink, they get sick and somedays you just wanna flush them down the toilet! BUT... At the sametime they are cute, cuddling and loving and so giving. Depending on the age too I guess!

 

My brother sometimes calls me and vents about how much the boys are getting to him and he knows as they grow up it is just gonna get worse. They all are in various activities, he drives them everywhere, the $ factor and then he laughs and says just wait till you have your own! LOL!

 

So Baddad...I'm glad you are not feeling guilty about venting. I liked reading what you put down and actually had a bit of a chuckle as well! OK So add me to the supportive list!

 

As for your wife...Well, do what you have to do. Your kids are your first priority.

[Karlise13]

Please read Susan Jeffer's book "I'm OK You're a Brat"

 

She's a woman who loved her kids but hated parenting them.

 

She explodes a lot of myths about parenthood and discovered in her research that MANY parents find times when they are just at the end of their rope and feel just as you do.

 

In truth, you probably have a lot of love for your family. YOu just want to kill them sometimes.

 

Also, you guys need HELP. Find ways to ask for it. Find ways to get it.

 

Raising kids is really hard.

[Merin]

Originally posted by BadDad

You're only getting the angry part of me, here. most people use this to post problems. I'm sorry you can't look past your own issues to face the fact that this is a help board, and not a place to crucify people who are in crisis.

 

I'm going for custody of my kids!

 

I read a good book last night, "Throwaway Dads". I see what I've been up against. It's not that I DON"T want to be a Dad, and love and RAISE my kids, it's that I've been up against a whole twisted mindset that >I< bought into. Just to prove that there is life after anger, I apologize for attacking anyone. I will file for divorce from my vebally abusive(+) wife, and push for sole custody of the boys. Theres WAY too much precedence to support my case. I only scratched the surface of the damaging situation me and my boys are in. I gotta get em out and build some discipline into their tlives. THAT'S what has to happen.

 

I forgive you.

 

Gee thanks.. I forgive you to.

[cam]

im only 24 married with 2 kids. we were together for a year and desided we wanted kids 5 years later we are loveing it haveing a family is the best thing in the world brings back chrsitmas.

it has been hard for all of us but we got through it i had to give up my nights out with my mates and do it once and a while .i live for my kids.

i could never hate my kids what ever they did unless they turned out to be GAY joke you need to get help and sort it out ,my respect goes out to all the single mums out there you think you got it hard least you get to go to work and have a break for the day they are depended on 24/7 hardly any money comeing in but they seem to manage.

i just got pissed off to see what you wrote your kids didnt ask to be born into your life grow up.

[BadDad]

You know, people have a way of projecting their crap all over everybody else.

 

I was at my wits end a couple weeks ago. EVERYTHING was making me angry.

 

 

I've been working hard the last week to figure out whats really going on. I actually did talk with my wife this weekend.

 

Turns out, she thinks I'm a wuss. And I understand why she thinks so..

 

See I didn't know IF I wanted kids or not, and eventhough we should have talked about it before we got married, we didn't. I agreed to have kids by the way because I loved my wife and I thought a family would make her happy, and that we would work toghether learning about parenting and buiilding a good solid family. We made a deal when we had our first son. she would stay home, and I would work at the best job I could find. Which I did. And then parent the little guy when I was around.

 

Then things got bad, she resented me for coming home at 6:30 and started telling me that I only wanted her to stay at home, and not have a life out of the kids. I told her to go get a job, and we'd work out daycare. She got a job AT a daycare, and complained that I still only got home at 6:30. THEN she started comparing me to Every other father she saw.

 

Then I told her I'd change jobs. Well I still haven't found another job, yet. SHe's since quit her job because she want's to spend more time at home. I said the same thing and she told me that I HAD to work so we could stay in our house. I went along with it. SHe started comparing our marriage to EVERY other married couple she saw.

 

All those years of being accomodating, and flexible, getting nothing but disdain and judgement in return, seems to have come across to her as being weak.

 

Unbelievable!! So for the past two years, she's been at home, really not doing anything, the kids are always running around and yelling , and boy do they fight!! THe place is rather nasty, kitchen's always dirty and it's not much of a comfortable place to be.

 

So I found out just what she thinks of my effort to be a good husband. I'll tell you what, her actions sure as hell built up a lot of resentment. And I didn't even mention this thread to her because I knew me saying it would hurt her. I generally keep my yap shut lately.

 

I talked with an attorney, and he told me that fathers do often get custody of their kids. And THAT's what I'm gonna do. I DON't want to leave my kids, (that was a crisis moment) I DO want to leave my argumentative, out of shape, judgemental, hopelessly confused spouse. THAT is for certain!

 

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by immoralist

Yeah, you're Parent of the Year material. You're one selfish dude, who's only out for Number 1--yourself. Yeah, kids are a pain (I know , I'm raising 2) and spouses gain weight. Life is a bit#h, and then you die.

 

No one put a gun to your head and said fu#k your wife. You did so so voluntarily. You've made these kids, now take care of them. Stop whining and love and care for your kids.

 

So maybe you should tell his wife to do the same for him? No one put a gun to her head and said "marry this guy and make a commitment that lasts until you die." She chose to love honor and cherish, but she didn't, so how about attacking her too. I actually talked to the guy. He's hurting bad!

 

Sometimes this place pisses me off!

 

But it's the shack, so whatcha gonna do?

 

as always,

 

MA

[immoralist]

MassiveAtom wrote:

 

"So maybe you should tell his wife to do the same for him? No one put a gun to her head and said "marry this guy and make a commitment that lasts until you die." She chose to love honor and cherish, but she didn't, so how about attacking her too."

 

Why am I unsympathetic to poor old BadDad, and not to the "nagging, abusive, overweight wife," as BadDad describes her? Perhaps it's because the wife didn't trash her children on a public message board, by posting this:

 

Let me start by saying, I don't give a damn.

 

I'm sick of this parenting crap and I WANT OUT!!!!

I'm sick of the needy little brats always wanting something, ALWAYS needeing something, I just don't want to go home somtimes. There never quiet, always filthy and messy, ccan't do anything for themselves

 

Yes, children are dependent, get dirty and often are incapable of looking after themselves. Your job as a parent, however, is to care for them, even if you're incapable of loving them-- Not to denigrate then on public message boards for the sin of being what they are: young children.

 

Call me old fashioned, but where I come from a parent's relationship with his/her children runs deeper, truer and purer than any other relationship--even "Marriage," which many on these Boards worship (or at least the ideal of Marriage).

 

It's one thing to divorce a spouse, quite another to announce to the world that you want to divorce your children, too.

[hurtinheart]

I have four boys ages 13,11,10,and 8!!!!!! trust me i want to pull my hair out alot but i could never imagin my life without them!!!!! they bring me tons of joy!!!! watching them in sports running for the touchdown!!!! everyone has a different sport or something they like i stay very busy!!!!! They are very demanding and want want want!!!! they don't understand that we just don't pick money off of trees!!!Life is rough alot of times andwe just all work together!!! BADDAD i do not think your a BADDAD @ all!!!! It clearly shows u love your boys and wife!!!!!everyone has bad days weeks and so on!!!!!Hell i have had a bad bad bad year can't wait for 2004 to be OVER!!!!I can say if it wasn't for my boys being here with me i may not be here today!!!!How old are your boys? Belive me it will all work out!!! Good luck to u and your wife!!!

[GirlDown]

i helped raise 4 kids because of a father like this. no pity whatsoever.

 

5 words for SELF-PROCLAIMED "BAD DAD"

 

LEARN TO BE A MAN

[MassiveAtom]

I think I can tell what's going on here.

 

People don't read the entire thread. they just read the O.P. and then plop a kneejerk reaction into the thread.. behold the limitations of LS.

 

GirlDown, I'm dealing with the total loss of my family right now and still understand that when people are in pain, which is where all of BadDad's anger comes from, the last thing they need is to be moralized to. Boy does this world need some compassion.

 

I'm sure every parent at one time, OR MORE, has resented their kids in some way, maybe only momentarily, possibly for longer.. I think this brings up a larger issue that we as a society want very much to ignore.

 

BadDad, turn off your TV! and Stop watching the "fairytale" shows. for chrissake! It's all a pack of lies that sets everyone up for disillusionment.

 

Look, I'll say it. >I< am disillusioned with parenting. and I love my kids. Granted I might express that differently than BD, but it doesn't mean he's any less of a person. Actually, he's pretty nice guy under it all.

 

Immoralist, This is a public board. You're right. But you know what? It's a place where people come to get "HELP" Not to be kicked when they're down just because you have a difference of opinion. At least that's what I think.

 

BadDad's honesty is commendable. I'm sure he knew some people would get riled up. But that's not his fault. The responsibility for getting riled up falls squarely with those who got riled.

 

as always

 

mA