Defending H/people thinking R is already done

[compulsivedancer]

Sometimes friends and family put me in the odd position of having to explain why H is still upset sometimes about the affair. It's only been 9 months!

 

They seem to think once he accepted me back, all should be good.

 

Last month when there was a chance we'd run into OM at a gig, we told H's bandmate just in case we needed someone to run interference, and his first response was: "oh cool! Maybe we can all hang out." It didn't even occur to him that H was asking for support.

 

Our roommate's mom, RIGHT after DDay, thought H was bullying OM because he called him out for the A.

 

One particularly bad day, I called my mom because I needed a hug, essentially. She said, "But he took you back. Didn't he forgive you?" As if that was all there was to it.

 

Why are people so simplistic about this?

[ChooseTruth]

I think they simply have no idea what it's like until they've been through it themselves.

 

My inlaws...man were they naive... It's *part* of how I console myself when I foolishly start to think that I should have stuck it out. They really thought it was going to be ok with me going to her martial arts class with OMM there. Really??? I mean I did try it, but hell no was that going to continue on forever.

[compulsivedancer]

I think they simply have no idea what it's like until they've been through it themselves.

 

My inlaws...man were they naive... It's *part* of how I console myself when I foolishly start to think that I should have stuck it out. They really thought it was going to be ok with me going to her martial arts class with OMM there. Really??? I mean I did try it, but hell no was that going to continue on forever.

 

Yeah, unless you were taking the class too, I can't see how that could possibly be viable.

[drifter777]

A big reason why I told no one about my wife's cheating. I was so ashamed that I would have died if I had to face this kind of questioning. Staying with a cheater is punishment enough without having to be judged by people who have no idea what they are talking about.

[Journee]

My father has cheated on my mother several times. I turned to them both during my H's A's ( the aftermath). My dad speaking to me as a wayward who regrets hurting his family and my mother as a BS. My mother is a very straightforward person. No mush or gush. She even as a BS tells me " You can either live with it or you can't. When you've had enough , you'll know." She makes it sound very simple. Yet, I know she doesn't want to sit and moan about my father. She loves him very much and has always been his biggest fan. I know she must had felt the pain I have but will not say a cross word about my father or any of his OW. She is class act.

 

My friend's are the opposite and wish I would just leave already. They do support me staying as long as I need to. Even if I stay 100 years. They just want me to be happy. The only friend I have that thinks I should stay is a BS many times over but has her own EA's going on in the background of her life constantly. She just crossed into PA territory. Her answer to her bf's choices is to soothe her ego with male attention. So, to her it's simple too.I should do the same , she says. If you can't beat 'em then join 'em I guess.

 

I think some folks just can't fathom the pain this brings. It's not been a part of their lives or they have been the deceiver and not the receiver.

Edited October 23, 2013 by Journee
Auto correct boy!

[BetrayedH]

I think we're somewhat conditioned to think that things resolve themselves quickly. Look at movies. One person cheats, both people suddenly realize how much they love each other, and they live happily ever after.

 

Even after Dday, I scoffed at the concept of 2-5 years. I was literally thinking weeks. I somehow wanted to intellectually decide to forgive and expected my emotions to fall in line.

 

Sadly, most reconciled BSs I've read about here say the second year was worse than the first. By that point, the WS kinda lets down their guard but the BS is finally reaching the point when they feel safe enough to get angry. I also think BSs somewhat expect a seriously improved marriage after having made such a big sacrifice and so it's the worst time for the wayward to relax and get back into old habits.

 

Reconciliation is a seriously tall order and yeah, people really don't get it.

[road]

Sometimes friends and family put me in the odd position of having to explain why H is still upset sometimes about the affair. It's only been 9 months!

 

They seem to think once he accepted me back, all should be good.

 

Last month when there was a chance we'd run into OM at a gig, we told H's bandmate just in case we needed someone to run interference, and his first response was: "oh cool! Maybe we can all hang out." It didn't even occur to him that H was asking for support.

 

Our roommate's mom, RIGHT after DDay, thought H was bullying OM because he called him out for the A.

 

One particularly bad day, I called my mom because I needed a hug, essentially. She said, "But he took you back. Didn't he forgive you?" As if that was all there was to it.

 

Why are people so simplistic about this?

 

 

You are dealing with people that were not a BS or a remorseful WS. They have no knowledge that recover can take 2 to 5 years.

 

I would not worry what they think. You know what you have to do so do it.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

A big reason why I told no one about my wife's cheating. I was so ashamed that I would have died if I had to face this kind of questioning. Staying with a cheater is punishment enough without having to be judged by people who have no idea what they are talking about.

 

This was never an option in our case because our names were read before the church and it became a public scandal. My husband now wishes he had stopped that - he sees the damage that caused so far beyond even what he was dealing with and our family and also the xmom's bs and his family. It delayed recovery a great deal and actually caused way more issues.

 

But to the OP's point, I think it is not anyone's business what you and your husband are doing. You must find people who will support both of you and he even needs someone to talk to so he can vent his anger and frustration as well. Recovery is a long long road. We are almost 4 years from dday for me and 2 years from his dday - I think our circumstances added even more to that 2-5 year recovery time line but we are hanging in there.

 

Good luck.

[drifter777]

This was never an option in our case because our names were read before the church and it became a public scandal. My husband now wishes he had stopped that - he sees the damage that caused so far beyond even what he was dealing with and our family and also the xmom's bs and his family. It delayed recovery a great deal and actually caused way more issues.

I don't know all of your story so forgive me for asking just how in the hell this can happen? Did you time-travel back to the 1700's or is your church simply a draconian organization based on guilt and punishment?

[drifter777]

Even after Dday, I scoffed at the concept of 2-5 years. I was literally thinking weeks. I somehow wanted to intellectually decide to forgive and expected my emotions to fall in line.

I pointed out in another thread that this is the most insidious form of denial. The BS wants to end the pain and other strong emotions they feel so they grab on to the idea that they can save the relationship if they just "forgive". They hope they are able to accept what happened and forget about it in the future. They deny the extent of the damage done to the marriage and their psyche because its just too painful to think about. This is classic denial although people don't recognize it while it's happening. Eventually the weight of the betrayal crashes down on the BS and the real fireworks begin. By this time the WS is all "this is in the past - get over it already" because they either don't or won't accept that NOW is the time to work on the real damage that they did to their BS. The cheater has to understand they must be willing to do anything to help the BS recover from the damage they did and that just might take a lifetime.

 

If the BS gets counseling soon after d-day the counselor will work to help burst the denial bubble. Its much better in the long run to face everything up front and make an honest decision whether reconciliation is something the BS wants to invest in.

[beatcuff]

...Why are people so simplistic about this?

 

please take a look in the mirror OR why are you only looking from your point of view? i did not have the A. i am friendly with all three. i want to hang with/enjoy all three. why am i being penalized?

 

it appears your A effected many more than just those directly involved.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I don't know all of your story so forgive me for asking just how in the hell this can happen? Did you time-travel back to the 1700's or is your church simply a draconian organization based on guilt and punishment?

 

It was a mainstream denomination, but two rogue, right-wing pastors who believed since we were in leadership (we were worship leaders) felt like that was what the scripture said - they took it out of I Timothy. Actually Paul was talking about ordained elders (which we were not). This was not something that the bishops approved of - actually the lead Pastor ended up being relocated far away and the assistant ended up leaving a year later because giving dropped so much the church couldn't afford his salary anymore. The people were in shock and it was devastating to not only our two families but to the church as a whole. Almost four years later they still have not completely recovered.

 

At the time, my husband was in leadership position. Now as we discuss it, he knows he could have stopped it, but he was so hurt and wasn't thinking clearly either.

 

It was probably the worst thing they could have done. We were all so hurt and in our own personal pain, dealing with the families, the kids, etc. To add the public shaming on top of that was just another thing we had to deal with.

 

Now, looking back, it's odd because I am back in a big way - finally. It took a long time, but the community really rallied around me and in the end it was a positive thing for me. For xmom and his family, not so much. It's sad, but he can't hardly show his face anymore. partly because he never really faced my husband (even though he was his friend) or my kids. He just ran. He is from this community too - but he is seen as a coward for running and not staying and at least facing everything.

 

It's okay now - but I would never, ever want anyone to go through what we went through. I take complete responsibility for my actions, but to add that kind of pain to people who are already hurting is not the way to heal anything.

[dichotomy]

Any mention of "done" including someone saying 2-5 years...THEN your happy and never bothered by it again....right!

 

Something was lost - like a body part - and thats forever. Its only how you learn to live with the loss.

[dichotomy]

For some people infidelity is not as dramatic as losing a body part. There are people who can accept it happened and move on from it. And not be in denial either. They simply do not have a mind that tortures then with insecurities and doubts. And I am not talking about people who have never experienced it. I am talking about the BS's who reconcile, have a happy full life with their spouse and never seek out a forum to talk about it because it isn't a need.

 

What is devestating and life altering for one is not always for another. And to say either reaction is wrong is not allowing that just because you struggle with a feeling doesn't mean every other person in a situation feels the same way.

 

CD's friends should never say "get ove it". But a BS who says they are fully healed from the A should not be told "you are in denial" just because you, in yoir own situation, felt different.

 

Ya - I get that. I think the point of OP and this thread was dealing with people saying "aren't they/you over that?" and someone else mentioned 2-5 years.

 

It all is individual to loss.Any loss - from affairs, to body parts, to something like cancer vary from person to person. I would admire anyone who can resolve these kind of losses quickly and not tell them they are in denial.

[drifter777]

For some people infidelity is not as dramatic as losing a body part. There are people who can accept it happened and move on from it. And not be in denial either. They simply do not have a mind that tortures then with insecurities and doubts. And I am not talking about people who have never experienced it. I am talking about the BS's who reconcile, have a happy full life with their spouse and never seek out a forum to talk about it because it isn't a need.

 

What is devestating and life altering for one is not always for another. And to say either reaction is wrong is not allowing that just because you struggle with a feeling doesn't mean every other person in a situation feels the same way.

 

CD's friends should never say "get ove it". But a BS who says they are fully healed from the A should not be told "you are in denial" just because you, in yoir own situation, felt different.

And you know all of this - how? Personal experience? Something you read somewhere? I never tell a WS how they should feel about anything. Usually I only give feedback to a WW who is trying to understand what/how their BH is feeling. I'm a BS and can't know infidelity from the perspective of a WS.

 

Don't pretend to understand how a BS feels - you can't know. The memories never go away and don't ever magically turn into happy thoughts. For many BS's infidelity is pretty much "till death do us part".

[Charlie Harper]

If you don't know how to forgive and move on...divorce.

 

And if you tell other people about your betraying H or W, then you like to play the victim...NOT GOOD.

 

Just a heads up!

[compulsivedancer]

Why does every BS have to feel like you? Why does every BS who expressed a different reaction have to be lying?

 

I know people in rlf who were betrayed and who say it is a thing of the past. When they ever mention it it is more like it happened to someone else now as it causes no grief or pain.

 

Why so angry? I said that there is nothing wrong with bein the type of person who carries it with them. Ir is just a different personality. Not a matter of right or wrong.

 

Why do you feel the BS who do not think and react like you are not real?

 

Just as all WS are not the same, neither are all BS. People don't fit so smoothly into cookie cutter shapes.

 

So why exactly does this bother YOU so much?

 

Coolit, read his backstory. It's a little heartbreaking, actually. His wife showed no remorse, but he stayed with her anyway. It's been a couple decades, but since they didn't really reconcile as such, they didn't deal with all the problems and fix that aspect. However, he loves her and she's been a pretty good wife other than the affair. He knows a lot more about affairs now, but feels it's too late/not fair to her to keep revisiting the topic 20 years later.

 

So it still eats at him and he's never really been able to get past it and be able to fully forgive, but he doesn't want to end the relationship either. He's kind of in a holding pattern as far as the affair's concerned. I think knowing this provides a lot of perspective to where Drifter's coming from.

 

Drifter, correct me if I got anything wrong.

Edited October 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[drifter777]

Why does every BS have to feel like you? Why does every BS who expressed a different reaction have to be lying?

 

I know people in rlf who were betrayed and who say it is a thing of the past. When they ever mention it it is more like it happened to someone else now as it causes no grief or pain.

 

Why so angry? I said that there is nothing wrong with bein the type of person who carries it with them. Ir is just a different personality. Not a matter of right or wrong.

 

Why do you feel the BS who do not think and react like you are not real?

 

Just as all WS are not the same, neither are all BS. People don't fit so smoothly into cookie cutter shapes.

So why exactly does this bother YOU so much?

Simple - because you don't know what you are talking about and you seem to want to come off as if you do. Until your spouse cheats you have no idea how you will react or what you would do about it.

 

After d-day we never separated. I have no idea what the "punch his lights out" refers to. Other than that you can read my story - or not. Suffice it to say I'm a BH who reconciled for all the wrong reasons. I was young and stupid and thought I would "get over it" and that time would heal the wound. A really, really bad approach to reconciliation and I warn BH's not to do what I did.

 

There are many couples who divorce immediately in the wake of d-day, but the majority attempt to reconcile. I'm sure there are many couples who are able to truly reconcile after infidelity. And I think there are many BS's who pretend they have reconciled because they fear being alone and/or desperately want to have a "normal" marriage and family life. If a couple reconciles I don't think the WS will ever know which catagory they are in.

[RightThere]

Suffice it to say I'm a BH who reconciled for all the wrong reasons. I was young and stupid and thought I would "get over it" and that time would heal the wound. A really, really bad approach to reconciliation and I warn BH's not to do what I did.

 

It is possible for time to heal the wound. For some, that is not the worst part about infidelity.

 

There are many couples who divorce immediately in the wake of d-day, but the majority attempt to reconcile. I'm sure there are many couples who are able to truly reconcile after infidelity. And I think there are many BS's who pretend they have reconciled because they fear being alone and/or desperately want to have a "normal" marriage and family life. If a couple reconciles I don't think the WS will ever know which catagory they are in.

 

You are bang on with this statement. I'm still struggling with which camp I am in.

[Journee]

Simple - because you don't know what you are talking about and you seem to want to come off as if you do. Until your spouse cheats you have no idea how you will react or what you would do about it.

 

After d-day we never separated. I have no idea what the "punch his lights out" refers to. Other than that you can read my story - or not. Suffice it to say I'm a BH who reconciled for all the wrong reasons. I was young and stupid and thought I would "get over it" and that time would heal the wound. A really, really bad approach to reconciliation and I warn BH's not to do what I did.

 

There are many couples who divorce immediately in the wake of d-day, but the majority attempt to reconcile. I'm sure there are many couples who are able to truly reconcile after infidelity. And I think there are many BS's who pretend they have reconciled because they fear being alone and/or desperately want to have a "normal" marriage and family life. If a couple reconciles I don't think the WS will ever know which catagory they are in.

 

I have said it before but I really do think that if a WS could have a glimpse at the thoughts that their BS does not share ,they might be surprised. Just as a BS doesn't want to think about the sex and text/e-mail tallies or whether or not the affair has gone underground...or if their wayward will stray again. WS may hope that their BS isn't fantasizing about life without them or revenge affairs. Hope that their BS isn't cursing the day they met them. Hope that the longing looks from their BS aren't really looks of disgust or pain.

 

Both parties will not ever really know. Will not ever really be able to speak on behalf of the other. Now that an A has taken place little can take the A's place, ya know? I have a hard time believing that I will ever not think of it. During sex ,dinner ,while playing with our children ,driving by a certain hotel chain. I don't think it will ever go away. Is that ok? I don't know. I look to posters like you Drifter ,because honestly I'm not sure if I want to wear this stain for the rest of my life.

 

If a BS is completely over it that is wonderful. They still need to go through the emotions and work it takes. Can one be fully reconciled in a matter of months? I don't know. I guess it's as individual as each person. Some people might reach certain points at different times. A year out and I am in the thick of anger and disgust. Not solely directed at WH but it's there. Do I want to stick around and see what I will feel this time next year? I don't know.

 

BS's run through a gauntlet of emotions unless they stuff them down. They will come out at some point I feel.

 

There is an expectation on BS's to be over it. You can see it right here on the boards. Questioning why a poster it here x amount of years later. Get over it right? You don't get over it. You go through it and hope that at the other side you have a salvageable marriage. That you can look at your partner and not picture what they are capable of. That you can look into your thoughts and not begin to see what you may also be capable of. Pair that with each person's own life experiences that have molded them and you have about as many outcomes as you can imagine.

[compulsivedancer]

After d-day we never separated. I have no idea what the "punch his lights out" refers to. Other than that you can read my story - or not.

 

I think I accidentally pasted something completely unrelated into that paragraph. Not even sure where it came from or how i managed that, since I thought I edited the post. How frustrating. I'm sorry that happened.

[atreides]

Sometimes friends and family put me in the odd position of having to explain why H is still upset sometimes about the affair. It's only been 9 months!

 

They seem to think once he accepted me back, all should be good.

 

Last month when there was a chance we'd run into OM at a gig, we told H's bandmate just in case we needed someone to run interference, and his first response was: "oh cool! Maybe we can all hang out." It didn't even occur to him that H was asking for support.

 

Our roommate's mom, RIGHT after DDay, thought H was bullying OM because he called him out for the A.

 

One particularly bad day, I called my mom because I needed a hug, essentially. She said, "But he took you back. Didn't he forgive you?" As if that was all there was to it.

 

Why are people so simplistic about this?

 

 

I would simply tell them, stop cheapening the value of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process with important complexities of life that once through it, we are better for it.

[beatcuff]

...Last month when there was a chance we'd run into OM at a gig, ...

 

sorry to steer this back to the original question...

 

please explain the above LOOKING from your friends point of view.

 

if you are willing to appear at an event with H and OM why are you SHOCKED friends are concluding 'all is well'.

[compulsivedancer]

sorry to steer this back to the original question...

 

please explain the above LOOKING from your friends point of view.

 

if you are willing to appear at an event with H and OM why are you SHOCKED friends are concluding 'all is well'.

 

The event was unavoidable, a required work thing. H was trying to ask the friend to run interference in case OM was there. His group was listed for a few hours earlier on the schedule.

[compulsivedancer]

if you are willing to appear at an event with H and OM why are you SHOCKED friends are concluding 'all is well'.

 

I'm not shocked. It's just weird to find myself explaining to people how awful my behavior was. It's a strange role reversal when people are trying to be on my side and I have to tell them that they're on the wrong side, so to speak.

 

Be in my corner, but not on my side, I guess is what I'm asking.