JackWills Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 First, I don't usually go on forums like these to ask for help. But this time I really don't know what to do. All of my friends are telling me to move on as there are other fish in the sea. But I can't. So me and my girlfriend have been going out for nearly 8 months. We loved each other so much. We've both been in relationships before but we both knew that our one was different. It's the longest we have ever been with anyone ever and that we've never felt like this with anyone before. 2 months ago she had to move 4 hours away from our home city so she could go to university. We promised to each other that we were gonna make things work no matter how difficult. It was great. After two weeks of her moving, I visited her for 5 days. We were so happy. 2 weeks later, i visited again for 3 days. In between visits we would text each other throughout the day and would phone each other for a really long time almost every night. 3 weeks later, I started getting texts about her doubting that this was gonna work. She said that the whole long distance relationship is too hurtful and that she misses me so much that it actually hurt her. So the next day I called her and she was crying. She said she couldn't cope with the situation anymore and wanted a bit of time off and go on a break. She said that things we're not the same, that there was too much stress in the relationship ever since she moved, and in order to preserve what we have, she just wanted to be single for the moment. Of course I tried to convince her that we expected this to be a bumpy road at first, and that we can look at this as a little hiccup and that there was nothing we couldn't overcome. I even tried to convince her that I can see her weekly. What I don't understand is that if the problem was that she only missed me so much then my solution to seeing her more often would have changed her mind. I am 100% sure that she is not having an affair with other guys. And if we loved each other the way we always say, then why would she just give up suddenly? Now we are on a break. The next 3 days we still kept on phoning each other at night, she would cry every time. And then there was no contact for 4 days. The next day I messaged her, checking on how she is and stuff. And her texts would be emotionless. Not like before. We're supposed to meet in 3 weeks time as she's coming back home for a week. I really want her back. How do i shorten this break? How do i convince her that it's all gonna work out? I need help. Is there anything I can do before she gets back to heighten my chances of getting back with her?
hdev340 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I totally understand how you feel me and my boyfriend are in a long distance relationship same situation I went away to college except we are 7 hours away. It seems like you really want this relationship to work and that she is not putting in any effort at all. You have visited her a few times, but has she ever went to visit you. In a relationship you should both be putting in equal amount of work so if you visit her twice she could visit you at least once. Yes it does hurt to be away from your partner for long periods of time, but if she actually wanted the relationship to work she would put some effort in. You gave a great solution and she turned it down I think that she is using a filter theory of propinquity which is choosing the person they want to be with due to the nearness such as place which in this situation would be college. It sounds like she wants someone to be with her 24/7 so she thinks by taking a break it will give her an opportunity to explore the college campus and see if she can find a partner that is in a close proximity to her:(. Honestly I do not know if this is the best relationship for you but I will give you some advice if you really want to work out your relationship. You need to use the voice response I can see you really care about this girl but I can also see that you need to find you what the actual problem is in the relationship there has to be more to the story than just her "missing you". When she come back home you need to sit her down and say "lets have a talk" In the talk you need to find out what would make your long distance relationship work out, does something need to change, and do she want to make this relationship work? I hope this helps I know I have said this a lot but if the relationship is going to work you have to have effort from both ends of the relationship! Good Luck.
Author JackWills Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 I totally understand how you feel me and my boyfriend are in a long distance relationship same situation I went away to college except we are 7 hours away. It seems like you really want this relationship to work and that she is not putting in any effort at all. You have visited her a few times, but has she ever went to visit you. In a relationship you should both be putting in equal amount of work so if you visit her twice she could visit you at least once. Yes it does hurt to be away from your partner for long periods of time, but if she actually wanted the relationship to work she would put some effort in. You gave a great solution and she turned it down I think that she is using a filter theory of propinquity which is choosing the person they want to be with due to the nearness such as place which in this situation would be college. It sounds like she wants someone to be with her 24/7 so she thinks by taking a break it will give her an opportunity to explore the college campus and see if she can find a partner that is in a close proximity to her:(. Honestly I do not know if this is the best relationship for you but I will give you some advice if you really want to work out your relationship. You need to use the voice response I can see you really care about this girl but I can also see that you need to find you what the actual problem is in the relationship there has to be more to the story than just her "missing you". When she come back home you need to sit her down and say "lets have a talk" In the talk you need to find out what would make your long distance relationship work out, does something need to change, and do she want to make this relationship work? I hope this helps I know I have said this a lot but if the relationship is going to work you have to have effort from both ends of the relationship! Good Luck. If this can change your advice, she does want to to visit. But as much as she wants to come home and visit her family and me, because of the limited amount of money that is available for her (student loan), she has to manage her budget very carefully as she doesn't have a job there. It's not uncommon for university students here to only come back during week breaks and holidays as train tickets can be very expensive. There's also the first couple of months in university life where you gave to try your best to settle in as for most it will be the first time they will be away from family. She had to adapt to these changes while makin friends and that. I understood it, I would be the same. We spoke about this beforehand and we both understood the difficulty in this. What she told me was that this relationship was too painful for her. I have no doubt in my mind that she is still in love with me as she said so. I will take I'm your advice and have a proper talk with her when we meet. But until then, what can i do? How should I be communication wise? And when we meet, how should i act? Any mistakes that I can avoid? Thanks
ponchsox Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 First, I don't usually go on forums like these to ask for help. But this time I really don't know what to do. All of my friends are telling me to move on as there are other fish in the sea. But I can't. So me and my girlfriend have been going out for nearly 8 months. We loved each other so much. We've both been in relationships before but we both knew that our one was different. It's the longest we have ever been with anyone ever and that we've never felt like this with anyone before. 2 months ago she had to move 4 hours away from our home city so she could go to university. We promised to each other that we were gonna make things work no matter how difficult. It was great. After two weeks of her moving, I visited her for 5 days. We were so happy. 2 weeks later, i visited again for 3 days. In between visits we would text each other throughout the day and would phone each other for a really long time almost every night. 3 weeks later, I started getting texts about her doubting that this was gonna work. She said that the whole long distance relationship is too hurtful and that she misses me so much that it actually hurt her. So the next day I called her and she was crying. She said she couldn't cope with the situation anymore and wanted a bit of time off and go on a break. She said that things we're not the same, that there was too much stress in the relationship ever since she moved, and in order to preserve what we have, she just wanted to be single for the moment. Of course I tried to convince her that we expected this to be a bumpy road at first, and that we can look at this as a little hiccup and that there was nothing we couldn't overcome. I even tried to convince her that I can see her weekly. What I don't understand is that if the problem was that she only missed me so much then my solution to seeing her more often would have changed her mind. I am 100% sure that she is not having an affair with other guys. And if we loved each other the way we always say, then why would she just give up suddenly? Now we are on a break. The next 3 days we still kept on phoning each other at night, she would cry every time. And then there was no contact for 4 days. The next day I messaged her, checking on how she is and stuff. And her texts would be emotionless. Not like before. We're supposed to meet in 3 weeks time as she's coming back home for a week. I really want her back. How do i shorten this break? How do i convince her that it's all gonna work out? I need help. Is there anything I can do before she gets back to heighten my chances of getting back with her? Sounds like she feels extremely guilty about the LDR. I went through the same thing. My GF ended it because she couldn't give herself 100% to me and felt like I was getting the crumbs. If you guys don't have the time to grow, it's very difficult to maintain a relationship. Friends, yes. Maybe you guys will cross paths again in the future, but I would strongly suggest you look for someone closer before you get even more hurt.
Author JackWills Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 So it's been a little over a week since we've been on a break. And the texts are becoming less frequent and blunt. This is natural since we're on a break. But in a little over two weeks I'm seeing her again. Is there anything I should do before then? Should I go no contact? Please guys I need advice.
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