lindsay1990 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Your mom did great!! I'm happy you received this vindication, it was obviously a not-at-all-subtle pretext to see where she stood, and I feel it's great that in a way, your mom made her feel like she was not welcome anymore, as in she messed it up. Great to hear it! (been awol because started new job, ugh ) 1
Author JoelBarish Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Your mom did great!! I'm happy you received this vindication, it was obviously a not-at-all-subtle pretext to see where she stood, and I feel it's great that in a way, your mom made her feel like she was not welcome anymore, as in she messed it up. Great to hear it! (been awol because started new job, ugh ) I just assume that if someone posts less that means they are feeling better 1
lindsay1990 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Haha, well.... that's not my case! Just been working 8:00 am to 7:00 p.m. :D 1
Author JoelBarish Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 (edited) So just to follow up, I've had a little more false hope this week after the breadcrumbs. However, I am aware of the false hope being exactly that, false. Therefore I'm doing okay. There has been so much discussion here about breadcrumbs and who wants them or doesn't want them. Well first of all, do I want them? I was so happy when I started this thread a few days ago, does that mean I am satisfied with getting breadcrumbs? Of course not. I absolutely want a full meal. I do think that many of us here feel like our exes completely shut off their feelings for us at the time of the break. So a breadcrumb is at least a sign that we are at least remembered and not hated (probably not hated). I think the real appeal of the breadcrumb is it allows us a chance to handle things differently than we had previously. So many times we look back at how we reacted right after the break up and tell ourselves "why the heck was I so pathetic? I should have went NC the instant the break up occurred ." After we have behaved so badly we feel we will probably never have the ex reach out to us again. The breadcrumb offers a second chance to do it right this time. But what about those that don't get breadcrumbs? Remember breadcrumbs are still not the same as having the full meal. And yes , if you didn't get a breadcrumb, you will still have a chance of getting a full meal. A full meal from someone new is infinitely better than a breadcrumb from an ex. There is always a chance to react better in the future and regain your power. Edited October 26, 2013 by JoelBarish
AnyaNova Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 So just to follow up, I've had a little more false hope this week after the breadcrumbs. However, I am aware of the false hope being exactly that, false. Therefore I'm doing okay. There has been so much discussion here about breadcrumbs and who wants them or doesn't want them. Well first of all, do I want them? I was so happy when I started this thread a few days ago, does that mean I am satisfied with getting breadcrumbs? Of course not. I absolutely want a full meal. I do think that many of us here feel like our exes completely shut off their feelings for us at the time of the break. So a breadcrumb is at least a sign that we are at least remembered and not hated (probably not hated). I think the real appeal of the breadcrumb is it allows us a chance to handle things differently than we had previously. So many times we look back at how we reacted right after the break up and tell ourselves "why the heck was I so pathetic? I should have went NC the instant the break up occurred ." After we have behaved so badly we feel we will probably never have the ex reach out to us again. The breadcrumb offers a second chance to do it right this time. But what about those that don't get breadcrumbs? Remember breadcrumbs are still not the same as having the full meal. And yes , if you didn't get a breadcrumb, you will still have a chance of getting a full meal. A full meal from someone new is infinitely better than a breadcrumb from an ex. There is always a chance to react better in the future and regain your power. Good Lord., Joel. I think my head is exploding. A friend of mine came over tonight and we watched "The Green Mile." And then I decide to check on in at the love shack and see what's up and then this. I swear the universe is conspiring to try and bring me to tears tonight. It will not work. :-p I have to requote this. A full meal from someone new is infinitely better than a breadcrumb from an ex. and again. Not usually one for repetition unless it is for a particular effect. But let us have that again. Read it. Reread it. And re-re-read it again. A full meal from someone new is infinitely better than a breadcrumb from an ex. One more time for the power of threes, I think this time in italics and bold for emphasis. A full meal from someone new is infinitely better than a breadcrumb from an ex Yes! This! Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you so much for this.
Author JoelBarish Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 Good Lord., Joel. I think my head is exploding. A friend of mine came over tonight and we watched "The Green Mile." And then I decide to check on in at the love shack and see what's up and then this. I swear the universe is conspiring to try and bring me to tears tonight. It will not work. :-p I have to requote this. and again. Not usually one for repetition unless it is for a particular effect. But let us have that again. Read it. Reread it. And re-re-read it again. One more time for the power of threes, I think this time in italics and bold for emphasis. [/b][/i] Yes! This! Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you so much for this. You know I actually meant to bold that part. Thanks Anya for covering for me. Sorry for you being close to tears.
AnyaNova Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 You know I actually meant to bold that part. Thanks Anya for covering for me. Sorry for you being close to tears. *realizing how odd that message looks without your quoted bits.* No. Don't apologize. It was perfect. Let us be frank about what happened (apologies to anyone with a real name or screen name that is, you know, Frank..:-p). There was a really not very good sandwich, and though Tim pulled the plug before I did, we both realized it wasn't a very good sandwich (and I had been thinking the sandwich needed tossing, multiple times). But then. We regrouped. Started again with new ingredients (though I don't think we realized we were). Got the sandwich put together and it was beautiful, for all of one evening. And then Tim smashed it under his heel. Not because he was a bad guy, not because of anything, (as near as I can piece together) other than his own trust issues, and difficulty with feelings. There is no putting that sandwich back together. No amount of wishing or hoping will make that change, because Tim himself, has made that clear. The sandwich is gone. The dying sandwich bits that are smeared on the metaphorical floor (or has the sandwich now reached the point of full blown poetic conceit?) and have long since molded into nasty green and furry chunks. It is time to get the bleach, broom, dustbin, garbage bag and take out the remaining moldering mental trash. Can I say what I'd do if Tim came to me in the future and said he was in therapy, working on his issues (and for anyone wondering for the sake of fairness, yes I am in therapy. I am working on my issues. Happy?) :-p. I cannot unless I was already with someone else, and then the answer is obvious. But I can say that this sandwich was a sandwich of potential only that has been destroyed. More than decimated. Destructed. It is vamoose. It is gone. It has joined the choir immortal. It is a dead parrot smooshed and moldy sandwich. Trash needs to go (mental trash, that is). Because a new sandwich, a full meal sounds wonderful. :-) 1
Lost_Dragon Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 *realizing how odd that message looks without your quoted bits.* No. Don't apologize. It was perfect. Let us be frank about what happened (apologies to anyone with a real name or screen name that is, you know, Frank..:-p). There was a really not very good sandwich, and though Tim pulled the plug before I did, we both realized it wasn't a very good sandwich (and I had been thinking the sandwich needed tossing, multiple times). But then. We regrouped. Started again with new ingredients (though I don't think we realized we were). Got the sandwich put together and it was beautiful, for all of one evening. And then Tim smashed it under his heel. Not because he was a bad guy, not because of anything, (as near as I can piece together) other than his own trust issues, and difficulty with feelings. There is no putting that sandwich back together. No amount of wishing or hoping will make that change, because Tim himself, has made that clear. The sandwich is gone. The dying sandwich bits that are smeared on the metaphorical floor (or has the sandwich now reached the point of full blown poetic conceit?) and have long since molded into nasty green and furry chunks. It is time to get the bleach, broom, dustbin, garbage bag and take out the remaining moldering mental trash. Can I say what I'd do if Tim came to me in the future and said he was in therapy, working on his issues (and for anyone wondering for the sake of fairness, yes I am in therapy. I am working on my issues. Happy?) :-p. I cannot unless I was already with someone else, and then the answer is obvious. But I can say that this sandwich was a sandwich of potential only that has been destroyed. More than decimated. Destructed. It is vamoose. It is gone. It has joined the choir immortal. It is a dead parrot smooshed and moldy sandwich. Trash needs to go (mental trash, that is). Because a new sandwich, a full meal sounds wonderful. :-) I can has sandwich?
Author JoelBarish Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Major relapse My ex came over my Mom's again tonight. My whole family and I were over there. I figured that she was just there to talk about the money she is going to pay me. My mom let her in just as I came around the corner. She was already taking her shoes off and getting comfortable. So I asked her if she wanted to go to a bedroom to talk. Like I said I figured it was about the money and I said as much to her. She said she was there to talk about the money and to "talk". So we sat on the bed. I talked to her a bit about some of my stuff I got going on as far as career and whatnot. Then I asked her about her stuff. How her job was going ect. She really has a problem with communication. As I sat there and talked she got all teary eyed and sniffly but she has a way of just shutting down....being quiet and not saying anything...so I finally said to her "okay, I'm here in front of you. What do you want to say?" She said stuff about missing me. That she doesn't think she can ever get over me.....I said to her "It looked like you were pretty well over me at Taco Bell". She told me that guy was just a friend. I told her that I assumed she was "with" that guy and that I have thought over whether I could forgive her for being with someone else....and I've thought to myself would I give up a chance at reconciling what had previously been a good relationship just because of my ego being hurt that she had been with someone else. And I told her that I could maybe forgive her...this was her chance to come clean and she said once again, he was just a friend. Maybe I'm an idiot but I am inclined to believe her since I gave her an out. She even told me that she hasn't been with anyone. I haven't either. I told her flat out that the thought of dating someone else makes me sick. Then she said that she doesn't know how she'll ever be in a relationship again. Anyway, she said stuff like she still has the last voice mail I ever sent to her and she listens to it....she started crying and said she should just delete it. She said she had driven by my old apartment in the middle of the night and thought about knocking on my window (before I moved). I said okay so why are we not together? She said "I miss you but we're not good together". Then she came up with some reasons like we want different things, ect. She lives in an old farm house 50 miles away and I like living in the city, ect. Then finally she had to leave to go to work. I walked her outside. She said she would come back to pay me Monday. I said that is fine. I gave her a hug and told her "thanks a lot, now I'm going to have false hope about us getting back together". She was wishy washy at first, saying she didn't know what she wanted. You guys know what that's like. Then I pressed her a little and she said "No..no..." as in don't have hope...I guess.... After she left, I broke all kinds of NC. I texted her 3 times. "I gave you a chance. I deserve someone who wants me". "I'm sorry I texted you. Take care". "I'm not mad at you. I just don't want to bother you since we are both trying to get over each other". Of course, she hasn't texted back. It happened an hour ago and she is at work so who knows what is going on with her. I'm not sure how much she is planning on paying me on Monday. She owes me quite a bit. I doubt she will pay the whole thing. Whenever she finally does pay me off completely, I will tell her that we need NC so we can get over each other. Grrrr....so much for breadcrumbs. I was happy the last time I got breadcrumbs because I was able to stay NC and stay strong. This time I relapsed. (Anya consider yourself lucky that your ex doesn't torture you) I'm not saying I'm in pain. It's just frustrating. Once the money is paid off, no more of this for me thank you.
Author JoelBarish Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Testing out my new signature
Mariposa10 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 How long were you two together? And when she broke up what reasons did she give you at that moment?
Author JoelBarish Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 How long were you two together? And when she broke up what reasons did she give you at that moment? We were together a year and a half. The reasons she gave me were we want different things. She didn't want to leave her house and move to my city, we fight too much, ect. We fought maybe once a month and never really raised our voices. I don't think that was way too much. People disagree sometimes
lindsay1990 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Oh my God, I'm not trying to rollercoaster you some more but I'm really aggravated (solidarity?) that she would have the NERVE to go breadcrumb you to your face, to your house. Good riddance I say. Looks to me that, even if a part of her wants you back, she somehow wants you to ask her. "We're not good together"? Pft. She didn't need to go over to tell you that. 1
lindsay1990 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Ugh. Just reiterating. Let's us know if she replies. How old is she btw?
Author JoelBarish Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 She is 28. She has replied a few times. She said that she will never replace me and that I spoiled her. And she was also apologetic about not wanting to get back together, ect. Obviously she has missed my attention. Let's see if she pays me off completely on Monday and then I will tell her NC is best for both of us.
Mariposa10 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 How did you guys manage to hang out? Did she have to do all the driving??
Author JoelBarish Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 How did you guys manage to hang out? Did she have to do all the driving?? She works in my city so I saw her most every day. Sometimes I would drive down to her place. There were lots of instances where she stayed with me for days or weeks at a time.
loveofhorses1970 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Oh, wow, Joel. She really seems to be doing a number on you. That's got to be torture. Definitely go back to NC completely. I'd request she mail you a check/money order.
AnyaNova Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 As much as it pains me to say it, though I may have a relapse, from the things I have read here, since I am approaching the two month mark, come November 6th (hopefully it won't be too bad, because my research project first drafts will be coming due), I think that you are right, Joel, in saying that it is good that Tim doesn't torture me with breadcrumbs. I am actually happy tonight, the rain is beautiful and I know that I can survive this. It is sad to know that if he doesn't face his issues, that he will slowly die from the inside out, so to speak, but I can't make that choice for him, the choice to face it and grow. That must be left to him. And there is someone out there, who I will find eventually (but not now, I'm not worried about it now. Right now I am just living for me), who can be a strong rock, and a solid base, and is strong enough to withstand me, and to be able to love me. It will not be Tim. And for, I think, the first time, I felt no pain in typing that last sentence. 1
AnyaNova Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Ugh. Long day of classes and ADD. I meant to bring the message back around to you. Because she is being horrible to you. And I hope the manipulation here stays enough to keep you far away from your ex. You deserve a new sandwich.
Never Again Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 We were together a year and a half. The reasons she gave me were we want different things. She didn't want to leave her house and move to my city, we fight too much, ect. We fought maybe once a month and never really raised our voices. I don't think that was way too much. People disagree sometimes Bleh. Sounds like grasping at straws. I understand that sometimes people just want out, and sometimes they don't know why, but rationalizing an emotional decision just creates more confusion. To do so, while also digging for your attention... I'm frustrated for you. My ex did something very similar, but not nearly so daring as to appear at my parents' home. I'm glad you appear to be handling it well, despite the breadcrumbing.
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