pteromom Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I have a couple close neighbours too, will perhaps let them know that if they see a certain vehicle around to alert me. That sounds like a wise plan.
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Another abuser? do you have a pattern? I do so I quit dating a long time ago because I kept attracting abusive men who told me I was fat and ugly. The last guy hit me so that is when I quit. At least you have identified the threat here and are stopping it before it begins. Thanks and yes, I have been with terribly abusive men in the past. I haven't been in a serious long-term relationship for the last 5 yrs. Have been in a few short-term relationships but they ended up being with drug addicts that hid the addiction til the relationship was destroyed. Being with an addict is just as bad as an abuser. Wish I could identify why I end up surrounded by losers... maybe all the good ones are really gone after all!!!
spiderowl Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Oh dear, doesn't sound good at all! Not a good idea to let him know where you live in the first place. It's wise to only use your first name and never mention anything other than the rough area in which you live. Don't mention your workplace specifically - you can be vague, like I work in nursing, or as a lawyer or whatever. The guy sounds needy, that's for sure, which is not always a bad thing, but him turning up on your doorstep is. That's a huge and unlikely coincidence. Your instinct told you to be restrained with him, maybe that was a good instinct. You don't have to put up with him texting so much. It does no harm to say you can't respond to so many texts and surely he must be too busy to spend his day texting. However, the question is, do you have a potential stalker on your hands? If I was you, I'd be scared. You hardly know him and yet he now knows where you live and is prepared to invade your personal space by turning up next door like that. If you do give him the push, prepare for it not to be the end of the matter. Basically, I would keep an eye out for him wherever you go. If he's stalking you, he'll turn up in places on the offchance of seeing you. He's also likely to quiz you on your movements and behaviour if he's keeping a close eye on you. Pay attention to anything he seems to know about you that you didn't tell him. Don't give out info. on Facebook that you wouldn't be happy for your most dangerous enemy to know. If you do find he is stalking you, make notes on all incidents and call the police. 1
KatZee Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 This is not "kinda creepy" or "slightly odd." This is FULL ON stalker and FULL ON dangerous. Please note this: DO NOT lie to him about seeing someone else. I have a vibe from this guy that this information would put him over the edge and into serious stalk mode. The thought of being rejected to someone else may set him off. I would completely just STOP messaging him completely. Do not engage further. I'm kind of confused why you would give this guy your home phone number. Now he has A LOT of your personal information. And no, him being in your neighbors driveway was NOT a coincidence. He was literally waiting out there for you. He's pushing for a full on relationship out of the gate without even knowing you, and now you find out he has child abuse on his record? If he continues contacting you, I wouldn't be opposed to a restraining order, get his name on the cops radar at least. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Wish I could identify why I end up surrounded by losers... maybe all the good ones are really gone after all!!! Just wanted to chime in on this. I don't think all the good ones are gone. I think we attract people on the same wavelength, or a complementary wavelength that will help us resolve unresolved emotional issues. This hit me like a ton of bricks toward the end of my last relationship, which started out reminding me very much of the positive dynamics between my own parents. By the end of it, I was reminded strongly of the negative dynamics. My ex was criticizing and diminishing me in exactly the same ways my dad used to treat my mom, negative treatment bordering on verbal abuse that I vowed I would never tolerate from a man like my mom did. I stood up to my ex in a way I was not able to stand up to my dad as a little kid, and when he was not very responsive to my requests for him to adapt his behavior for the better, I ended the relationship. I decided that I simply will not take that kind of negative verbal and emotional treatment ever again. I now think that I attracted this guy into my life specifically to help me grow in this way. I'm certain that I had a similar effect on pushing his emotional growth forward, too. Are there incidents in your past that might have put you in a position to face abusive men and resolve unresolved, problematic emotional patterns?
FitChick Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Tell him a male friend is teaching you to shoot. Then go buy a gun and learn how to use it! His Achilles Heel is his kid. He lost custody and now has supervised visits. If he gets into trouble again, he could be denied any visits. That is your Ace in the hole. However, I wouldn't ignore him. You have to make it clear, preferably in front of a witness -- have an neighbor hiding within earshot or your son or record it if you are allowed to record someone without their knowledge -- so he knows very clearly that you are no longer interested. I suppose you could say he reminds you of your ex husband so there is no attraction. He can't refute that. Otherwise he has the fantasy that you are playing hard to get. He needs to hear it loud and clear. Next time you see him in your neighborhood, have a very blank face, wear sunglasses all the time so you can pretend you don't see him and don't engage him. If you have to say anything, "I'm late, I have to go." If you're coming home, "I'm expecting company. I have to get ready." If he knows your car, he could put a tracking device on it. In a sense, you now have to stalk him to keep tabs on him and know his habits, if he's around at the same time, etc., so you can avoid him.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Too needy. I'll reserve using the word 'creepy' for now, but any guy that did that after 1 coffee date, would be ignored by me until they went away... Most women have no idea how (or have no will) to fully execute the word "ignore" in scenarios such as this one. This woman should blatantly communicate with him, once that she will not communicate any further with him, and that if she sees or hears from him again, she will call the police, and then follow through on that promise. Opening the proverbial door just a little to such a nut, is dangerous... (doubly so if you have little ones who didn't control their own destiny this way) 2
theothersully Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Get him on Love Shack! He needs dating help!
CC12 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Now I have to decide the best course of action. Ignore him completely and possibly have it escalate, or communicate and pretty much guarantee it escalates. I think you should communicate. I don't think it's guaranteed that it will escalate. I think it would be good to make it really clear to him that you do not want to see him again and that he kind of scared you. Best case scenario, he's just a clueless guy who will back off if you tell him to. "It was nice meeting you, but I didn't feel a connection. Seeing you at my neighbor's house kind of freaked me out, so I'm going to ask you to please stay away from me and my home from now on." Then there's no room for interpretation, you know? He can't tell himself any bull**** like "well, she just doesn't know what she wants" or "Man, I'm so friendzoned" or "I'm not being that bad." And you won't have to wonder if you've been explicit enough. You'll have laid it all out there and if he continues to try to contact you or show up at your house, you'll know that you're completely in the right for calling the cops on him. 2
Mascara Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I disagree with ignoring him too. Ignored people tend to push for closure. So you need to communicate VERY firmly so there is no grey area where he can come back for further information, or where he thinks he can continue to be part of your life, or where he can catch you out in a lie. This means NO offer of friendship, or blaming it on a situation. In fact, no reason at all beyond - "I enjoyed our date, but I've decided that I am not feeling a connection and I don't want to pursue anything further. Goodbye and good luck" 4
Mascara Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 " Seeing you at my neighbor's house kind of freaked me out, so I'm going to ask you to please stay away from me and my home from now on.". I wouldn't even do that. He'll only try to explain, or apologise, or keep pushing for "one last chance". 1
RonaldS Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Wow. Holy crap. As others have said, plainly and firmly state that you are not interested in him or pursuing a relationship with him. Whatever you do, though, don't say anything like 'if you don't leave me alone, I will call the police'. That will probably set him off. Don't infer to him that he is a threat to you. Big mistake. Just explicitly state that you don't have any interest in seeing him and that you wish him well.
truth_seeker Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 While indeed, it is possible that he had an appointment at the area school where his son attends, I just get a really creepy vibe about this "co-incidence". Am I just being paranoid or is this something I should really be concerned about? There are no such thing as coincidences - he planned that out. You got yourself a clingy guy. I would run. He's behaving this way now, imagine when you really get to know him? Yikes!
truth_seeker Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Here's the solution - you're seeing someone else. Explain to him over the phone that you were multi-dating, and you hit it off with another guy you met.
Mascara Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Here's the solution - you're seeing someone else. Explain to him over the phone that you were multi-dating, and you hit it off with another guy you met. Noooo! Because then he sees her on the same dating site or whatever, and says "hey, I see it didn't work out, so I guess you want to meet again" No excuses, nothing that gives him any reason to challenge her "reasons".
truth_seeker Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 What? No. Why would you think that would be a good idea. Half the normal people dating right now don't seem to understand the concept of "multi-dating" thanks to changing sociological norms, why would you expect someone who may be unstable to understand it? Worst case that would set him off because she "led him on". Like a lot of other posters said, the idea here would be to calmly let him know that she's no longer interested..changing jobs, death in the family, whatever to let him down as lightly as possible. Empathy or sympathy are safe reactions to illicit; she shouldn't do anything to bring jealousy in. I disagree. Telling him there is someone else is closure. Saying no longer interested or anything else to let him down easy will only infuriate him. He'll get offended that he's being rejected. By telling him there is another man, he might get scared that the new guy could kick his ass!
TheBladeRunner Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Even reading my last post is disturbing. He is abusive to children. My gut tells me he is. I can feel it. If this is true and he has had his parental rights altered due to his behavior, you may have an edge. I agree w/ what everyone here has said regarding getting rid of him and keeping yourself safe. The edge that I am talking about is that more than likely, if he has abused a child, he will have had some type of run-in with the law. If he is trying to get custody back to the way it was the last thing he needs is a stalking charge or even worse some type of assault or domestic violence charge. JMO.
jwizzle Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 If this is true and he has had his parental rights altered due to his behavior, you may have an edge. I agree w/ what everyone here has said regarding getting rid of him and keeping yourself safe. The edge that I am talking about is that more than likely, if he has abused a child, he will have had some type of run-in with the law. If he is trying to get custody back to the way it was the last thing he needs is a stalking charge or even worse some type of assault or domestic violence charge. JMO. Hmmm....if the guy is still dangerous and engaging in stalking or eery behaviors...then that is HIS problem and he should be reported accordingly. The OP shouldn't be worried about whether she affects any relationship with his children if she needs to notify authorities. That is his problem, not hers. Moreover, if his behavior is still of concern, perhaps he shouldn't have access to his kids. That isn't the OPs problem though. She needs to stay safe in case this dude is a creeper. 1
Midnight_Princess Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Can i ask how he may of been able to find your home address or phone number? My guess would be you have your full name on facebook or something. Id suggest in future you say you dont use facebook if someone from on line dating site asks. How did such a smart sounding girl agree to meet a loser like this lol? The abuse/supervised visits would of been enough to put me off especially with a child. I think us women meet the people who charm us the most, but anyones can be Mr perfect through a computer. There are millions of decent, kind, non stalker guys using online dating for the right reasons. So dont settle to meet the first guy who feeds you nice words, take your time and have your pick. Id probably hold out for longer then a day or two aswell. I wouldnt lie about seeing someone new, and i wouldnt threaten with police at this stage. Id start by saying nice to meet you i dont see a connection good luck etc. I wouldnt let him know hes creeped you out(it probably makes you seem vulnerable to him). A friend or relative staying for a couple of nights is a good idea, getting the neighbours to tell you if they see his car too is wise. If it happens write it all down and date it. If it did get so bad you needed the police im sure it would be an easy process due to his past. But i hope hes not like this, just very awkward lol. I know how freaked out you must feel and im sorry you have had such a strange experience. I hope you have no more trouble and please keep us updated. Your story may help alot of other men and women. Best of luck
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