sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Hello all, I have just started OLD again recently and I think I have run into a possible stalker We chatted online for a day or 2 and decided to meet for a coffee (we met last night). We exchanged cell numbers in case either of us had to cancel, reschedule, etc. It went fairly well but a few things he said were kinda concerning about his past. Overall he seems very anxious to meet someone and have a relationship, whereas I like to get to know someone before I really consider dating, touching, sex etc. Call me old-fashioned!! I decided to let it slide, thought I was just a lil paranoid and agreed to go out another evening this week. So anyway, I woke up today to 5 text messages from him, in fact my phone drove me nuts and woke me cuz it kept going off! He just seems very excited/needy about seeing me again. We had both discussed what area of town we lived in last night, talked about neighbourhoods, blah, blah. Well, when I left to run some errands today he was sitting in my neighbour's driveway. I recognized the truck immediately. He then texted me again, saying that he had seen me pulling out, that he had an appointment in the area. While indeed, it is possible that he had an appointment at the area school where his son attends, I just get a really creepy vibe about this "co-incidence". Am I just being paranoid or is this something I should really be concerned about? Any other women out there been in this situation? Any opinions would be appreciated.
Mascara Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 You're not being paranoid, that's definitely creepy and over the top. Bail now. 3
Assasda Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 +He's needy if he's not weird. you have every right for your thoughts
jwizzle Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 You just met last night...five texts...driving in your neighborhood. Unless he lives in your neighborhood, I would say this is definitely needy stalker red flag behavior. If you like him, maybe give one or two more chances. If he engages in this behavior again, cut him off. If you don't like him, cut him off now. If he is a stalker, there is no friend zone. Stalkers are very scary and you must establish an immediately boundary. It took me years to get rid of this one guy I dated a loooong time ago.
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Thanks for the responses. It can be a scary world out there when you are a single woman going out to meet strangers, even when it's in a public place. I mean, it's not like you get a police report on them or likely have any mutual acquaintances to attest to their true personality. Gotta go with my gut on this one and be very observant when I go out now. This dude now knows exactly where I live and I have children that live with me too. Perhaps I am a little too cautious, but wtf, I would never, EVER go near a man's house, work etc if I barely knew him. I respect privacy, would never seek out their whereabouts. He told me in a text that he "just made the appointment today" at a place 2 doors down from me... seems too odd. For any guys out there reading this, understand that women don't have it easy in dating at all. Keep your distance, move slow and respect their privacy. 2
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 You just met last night...five texts...driving in your neighborhood. Unless he lives in your neighborhood, I would say this is definitely needy stalker red flag behavior. If you like him, maybe give one or two more chances. If he engages in this behavior again, cut him off. If you don't like him, cut him off now. If he is a stalker, there is no friend zone. Stalkers are very scary and you must establish an immediately boundary. It took me years to get rid of this one guy I dated a loooong time ago. No, he doesn't live in my neighbourhood, but his son attends a school nearby. I saw him turning around in my neighbour's driveway, just by chance as I left. I tried to ignore the creepy feeling, but he text 3 more times after to say that he saw me, etc. I mean, if I were to accidentally drive anywhere near his neighbourhood, I would never even notice if he was nearby. Don't know where he lives, don't care either! He seems kinda nice, and kinda creepy too. Like he is a little too rehearsed, if you know what I mean. He says the right things, but something seems off too.
jwizzle Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I tried to ignore the creepy feeling, but he text 3 more times after to say that he saw me, etc. I mean, if I were to accidentally drive anywhere near his neighbourhood, I would never even notice if he was nearby. Don't know where he lives, don't care either! I've been in the same boat. Single female w/ no kids. He could've had an appointment @ the school. However, what you stated above tells me more information about this guy...he gave you a creepy feeling and you don't even care to know where he lives. I say end contact NOW because your gut is telling you something and you even stated you have no desire to know where he lives. You aren't interested! Move on. I have dated more than enough creeps in my lifetime. I have had that pins and needles feeling before where my gut sank and/or my body felt numb - my body was telling me something was seriously wrong. Listen to your body.
pteromom Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Yes, it is POSSIBLE he just had a nearby appointment, but what are the odds he just happened to be turning around in your neighbor's driveway? The guy looked you up and was watching your house. I would not ignore your gut on this one. It's very very odd. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 This is extremely super creepy. I'd break it off now, tell him not to contact me again, alert my friends and anyone close to me of the situation, and watch out for escalation from him. If he does anything else weird, I'd warn him not to contact me in any way again, or I'd report it to the police. That usually scares them off. I had a harassing stalker a while back. If he doesn't back off, I can give you more advice. Be FIRM and don't let him push your boundaries in any way. Guys like this take that as a sign to push further. Good luck! 2
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I've been in the same boat. Single female w/ no kids. He could've had an appointment @ the school. However, what you stated above tells me more information about this guy...he gave you a creepy feeling and you don't even care to know where he lives. I say end contact NOW because your gut is telling you something and you even stated you have no desire to know where he lives. You aren't interested! Move on. I have dated more than enough creeps in my lifetime. I have had that pins and needles feeling before where my gut sank and/or my body felt numb - my body was telling me something was seriously wrong. Listen to your body. I agree. I always tell others to go with their gut.. funny, I still sometimes question my own!
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Yes, it is POSSIBLE he just had a nearby appointment, but what are the odds he just happened to be turning around in your neighbor's driveway? The guy looked you up and was watching your house. I would not ignore your gut on this one. It's very very odd. Ya, I agree. Flooding my cell phone with texts was creepy enough, showing up in a driveway next door as I left was scary. He asked me a few times today through text if he could call my cell and I said no, told him I was busy. Have had some local phone calls to my home phone too today. It's a private number calling. I never gave him my home number but if he has my address and name he can get my home number too.
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 This is extremely super creepy. I'd break it off now, tell him not to contact me again, alert my friends and anyone close to me of the situation, and watch out for escalation from him. If he does anything else weird, I'd warn him not to contact me in any way again, or I'd report it to the police. That usually scares them off. I had a harassing stalker a while back. If he doesn't back off, I can give you more advice. Be FIRM and don't let him push your boundaries in any way. Guys like this take that as a sign to push further. Good luck! Thanks, much appreciated. Seems for every nice guy you meet, there are 20 others that either have no scruples or are genuinely intent on getting their way, one way or another. Sad.
mammasita Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Kinda creepy. What were the things from his past that made you wonder?
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Kinda creepy. What were the things from his past that made you wonder? He told me he lost custody of his child due to alleged physical abuse. He is in the process of getting the child back and no formal charges were pressed to my knowledge. Apparently he was visiting the child, supervised this afternoon at a school near my house. Still, a massive red flag since I was also abused by a former partner. Abusers are cunning and know what they are doing. 1
jwizzle Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 oh boy....loss of custodial rights due to abuse. I work in the legal system and say that is a massive red flag. It takes a lot to terminate parental rights - the standard of proof is pretty high. So, although no criminal charges were pressed, the abuse probably happened or the courts wouldn't have yanked his rights. I would just quit responding to him. That is because a flat out rejection may set him off more. If he catches you off guard, tell him you're back with your ex. Don't tell him not to contact you (unless he threatens you or further stalks you). 1
pteromom Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 He told me he lost custody of his child due to alleged physical abuse. He is in the process of getting the child back and no formal charges were pressed to my knowledge. Apparently he was visiting the child, supervised this afternoon at a school near my house. Still, a massive red flag since I was also abused by a former partner. Abusers are cunning and know what they are doing. Have you looked him up? He sounds like someone who would have a record. 1
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Even reading my last post is disturbing. He is abusive to children. My gut tells me he is. I can feel it. Now I have to decide the best course of action. Ignore him completely and possibly have it escalate, or communicate and pretty much guarantee it escalates. 2
pteromom Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I think this is a situation where you make up a reason you can't date him. "You are really nice, but my ex has asked me for another chance and I am going to try to make it work." Normally, I am a fan of honesty, but he sounds unstable, and I wouldn't want to say anything that would set him off. 1
pteromom Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Even reading my last post is disturbing. He is abusive to children. My gut tells me he is. I can feel it. Funny how how instincts work like that, isn't it? Now I have to decide the best course of action. Ignore him completely and possibly have it escalate, or communicate and pretty much guarantee it escalates. I think you need to cut it off. If not, he is going to obsess over you, why you aren't calling back, come see what you are doing, etc. You need to make it known that you are DONE. In whatever way works for you. Then if you have a male friend who can stay with you a few days, that may be good too, just in case he flips out.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Try not to show your anxiety and worry to him, because he'll pounce on that. I had to eventually file a restraining order against the guy who was stalking me, and aside from the occasional "loser viewed your profile" alert, I've had no sign of him. It wasn't that hard to do, either. Legal/police action works great against these guys. I'm only telling you this so you'll know that's an option if he gets crazy. Be strong and firm. Abusers and stalkers pounce at signs of fear or weakness. 1
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Yes, good advice. Just can't tell what a person may do.
jwizzle Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Why do people stalk anyways? That baffles me.
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Funny how how instincts work like that, isn't it? I think you need to cut it off. If not, he is going to obsess over you, why you aren't calling back, come see what you are doing, etc. You need to make it known that you are DONE. In whatever way works for you. Then if you have a male friend who can stay with you a few days, that may be good too, just in case he flips out. Thanks and yes, when my gut goes off I have trouble ignoring it now. I don't like the idea of lying, but if it saves me from trouble with yet another abuser I will. My son is 15 and I have a vicious dog, if he tries anything am sure they will help to keep him away. I have a couple close neighbours too, will perhaps let them know that if they see a certain vehicle around to alert me. 1
jwizzle Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I don't like the idea of lying, but if it saves me from trouble with yet another abuser I will. Another abuser? do you have a pattern? I do so I quit dating a long time ago because I kept attracting abusive men who told me I was fat and ugly. The last guy hit me so that is when I quit. At least you have identified the threat here and are stopping it before it begins. 1
Author sweetheart5381 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Thank you ladies for all your help. Sometimes I just need a little "outsider" point of view to assure me that I'm not crazy for being concerned about this sort of thing. Feeling stalked is a terrible feeling. My abusive ex did it before and it took me years to feel safe again. Not gonna be scared again! 2
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