mtnbiker3000 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Anyone else feel like they made every mistake in the book while dating their ex? I almost feel like she had no choice but to leave. I did it all wrong. This was the first person I ever cared about deeply. First person I ever wanted to spend my life with. I am inexperienced in this environment, and feel like I really F’d it up good. As I am learning more and more about serious RS’s, from this site as well as many other sources, I realize how much I didn’t know what I was doing and made mistake after mistake. Sometimes, I don’t feel like a very successful ‘man’ in any sense of the word. Basically, as the RS evolved and I developed more and deeper feelings, I expressed myself and kept very little to myself. I laid it all on the table more than once. Not overly emotional or a doormat, but too accommodating and too available. No challenge. No mystery. No nothing. Eventually, she grew tired and bored of this. Add in my flaws, quirks and irritants and sayonara. 1
Never Again Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I had this feeling for awhile. The dating "advice" on the internet didn't help. But this advice is geared around keeping their "interest level" (the most foolish concept ever) high by constantly keeping them at arm's reach. Be a "challenge" so they constantly have to chase. It's all about keeping the honeymoon/passionate/new-relationship "high" going by generating a constant anxiety of loss. If you act unattainable at all times, your partner could lose you...so they'll value you more and be excited to be around you. It is the most unsound, unhealthy approach to relationships I've heard. The sad part? It might be true (and my recently failed relationship suggests that it is, unfortunately), but it's dishonest and manipulative. Gee, I wonder why the US divorce rates keep going up - maybe because we rely too heavily on those heady "high" feelings of "in love". If those fade, why rekindle or try? NEXT! Isn't the whole point to be open and vulnerable - to be truly emotionally attached to our significant other? Isn't that how true, honest relationships are formed? I hate the idea that we must maintain "mystery". Why? If I'm in a relationship with someone, I want to share things with them. Yeah, I'll do my own thing and be independent. I have never let myself be used or been a doormat, but I do my best to be a supportive and understanding partner. If this isn't valued anymore, if these core values I hold so dearly are the reasons I was rejected...well, in that intance I'd rather be single then change. 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I agree. It doesn't make any sense. I used to think I 'got' it. Now I don't get it at all... I am really holding to the idea that even though I made plenty of mistakes, as stated, I also think we were just wrong for each other and when I find the right person and make some positive changes based on my 'mistakes' all will work out. God I hope, anyway!!
Transplant Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I entirely agree - the mystery doesn't have to be in who this other person is, rather than what experiences, however grandiose or mundane, you share together. I don't think such candidness should fall into play immediately but when you both are at a point of acceptance of one another, there should be more and more openness and I agree that both openness and mystery can be sources of manipulative(s) but be who you are and be that person on purpose. Of course there are things you need to change and of course there are things your potential mate will need to change but that's life. 2
ponchsox Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Hindsight is always 20/20 but a successful relationship is when both people can speak openly about everything and not hold resentment. Nobody is perfect, in fact most everyone has flaws but you have to learn to accept them and take people for who they are, not for what they aren't.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Hindsight is always 20/20 but a successful relationship is when both people can speak openly about everything and not hold resentment. Nobody is perfect, in fact most everyone has flaws but you have to learn to accept them and take people for who they are, not for what they aren't. We had ZERO communication. She didn't want it. I think she would just rather find new than fix old... And I think during the HS, flaws and shortcomings are overlooked. As the RS evolves, they come into light a lot more... Another red flag that allows me some piece of mind knowing that she was just not the one for me.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I don't think such candidness should fall into play immediately but when you both are at a point of acceptance of one another, there should be more and more openness These things didn't become an issue until about the 2+ year mark. I was moving closer and deeper, and she was going in the opposite direction.
KelC411 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Hey mtnbiker. I know thispost was a while ago and I hope you feel better now, a couple months later. But I wanted to say: i feel ya. I feel like I especially made a lot of mistakes when we first started dating because I was 21 and insecure. I thought we had moved oast those, but when we broke up, he brought things up from then and literally quoted some things I had said. The whole relationship, he preached at me about being open and honest and not "scorekeeping." But apparently he held on to a lot of that.i feel like it was a cop out to just break up with me out of the blue and not give me a chance to make up for some of that. It sounds like maybe your situation is similar. Maybe you did make mistakes, but she could have talked with you about it and you could have grown together. But instead, for whatever reason, she chose to end it. We may have messed uo and made a lot of mistakes, but if someone isnt willing to work with you (unless abuse is occuring) thats a problem too. All people make mistakes and all relationshios have problems, and to last forever, you have to be willing to out up with some bad times and communicate needs. My ex, and it sounds lie, yours, werent willing to do that, so we deserve people who will. Easier said than done but mabe if we keep fighting we willbelieve it someday. *hugs*
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Hey mtnbiker. I know thispost was a while ago and I hope you feel better now, a couple months later. But I wanted to say: i feel ya. I feel like I especially made a lot of mistakes when we first started dating because I was 21 and insecure. I thought we had moved oast those, but when we broke up, he brought things up from then and literally quoted some things I had said. The whole relationship, he preached at me about being open and honest and not "scorekeeping." But apparently he held on to a lot of that.i feel like it was a cop out to just break up with me out of the blue and not give me a chance to make up for some of that. It sounds like maybe your situation is similar. Maybe you did make mistakes, but she could have talked with you about it and you could have grown together. But instead, for whatever reason, she chose to end it. We may have messed uo and made a lot of mistakes, but if someone isnt willing to work with you (unless abuse is occuring) thats a problem too. All people make mistakes and all relationshios have problems, and to last forever, you have to be willing to out up with some bad times and communicate needs. My ex, and it sounds lie, yours, werent willing to do that, so we deserve people who will. Easier said than done but mabe if we keep fighting we willbelieve it someday. *hugs* I just think I was way more invested than she was. And she never really cared or saw a long term RS for us. She was just kind of using me for a while till something better came along. That's why she never cared to work at anything or communicate about anything. She just plain didn't care. And that hurts!!
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