BetrayedH Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 The only place for privacy in a marriage is in the bathroom. Your spouse is your partner in life. There shouldn't be any secrets. Period. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Good luck Jenn. I think there are those of us that do understand where you are coming from. It is a very slow process and you will take some steps forward and then a step backwards but as long as you are moving forward that is all that matters. IC helped me tremendously to understand why I did certain things (I am like you - not a huggy touchy person and my husband is - he is the baby in his family and I am the oldest). In MC when these things were brought to light then my husband could understand intellectually why I acted in certain ways. It doesn't lessen the hurt, but it does help him to understand (he is a science guy and therefore it helps to have answers from a scientific or psychological standpoint). Anyway - be patient - try not to be reactive and listen to him when he speaks. Just keep doing what you are doing with the phone and it will eventually become natural and you won't worry about it much anymore. 1
compulsivedancer Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I came out of the bathroom one day and H was checking my email via my phone. I think this was probably 4 months post DDay? I cried. I told him I hated it that he felt the need to check my phone but that it was totally justified. I asked if when he felt the need that he just do it in front of me. I have nothing to hide now, and I want him to know that. But if something came (like a number he wanted to know more about), I want to address it with him in the moment. He said that worked for him. Recently I let him look through letters that I wrote OM post-DDay. They were journal entries that I had written, but in letter form. I didn't realize that he thought I meant I was okay with him reading my whole journal. At the time I was really nervous and upset, because, as you know if you've read any of my early postings on LS, I was still struggling a lot with my feelings toward OM, even as late as 6 or 7 months post-DDay. But he told me that it was important because he needed to see where my mind was at and how it's changed. He said he had enough distance now that he thought he could handle it and he wasn't worried. But I was still worried. Anyhow, we ended up sitting down together and reading them together (there were 9 or so). It actually was pretty good for us. There was only maybe one thing in there he didn't know, and he was pleased to see the evolution of my thought process. I think that's actually why he joined LS. I stopped writing in my diary when I joined LS, so it was a continuation of the thought process for him. Now, each BS is different. I don't know if this is a great approach for everyone, but it was great for us. H needed to see that I was being honest and making progress. He is very analytical, and that was very helpful to him. 1
harrybrown Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 If your husband had the affair, how would you feel, what would you need to stay in the marriage? Would it help you to have a timeline and a diary of the affair? Affairs thrive in secret, and it helps the BS to know what happened so that the mind games do not make it worse than what did happen? If you did things with the AP, have you tried to initiate those things with your H? Sometimes, the BS never gets over feeling like second choice. Is your H, your second choice? If he is, please let him find someone that will love him like he is their first choice. If he is your first choice, how can you help him see that he is your first and only choice?
underwater2010 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 First of all, you do not know my back ground . You do not know me or anything about me . I am sorry that I had an affair. I am sorry that I put my H through everything I did. I am sorry that I betrayed his trust. I am sorry that I broke his heart. I feel sorry for what I've put my family through.I am sorry for every damn thing that I did. Yes, at the time I felt sorry that I got caught. But I was in what they call the "fog" I was being selfish and only thought about me. I was very hedonistic. Once this fog cleared I was faced with the reality of my betrayal and just exactly how much damage I had done. I came out of my stupor and vowed never ever ever to hurt any other human being as much as I did. Please understand that most of us are trying to help. This is a place that we all come to question and learn about what makes us tick before, during and after affairs. Try not to take it personal, but use responses to reflect on where you currently are. You might find that someone stumbles upon the true nature of you actions. And it is nice to hear that you are truly remorseful for your actions. You are in a painful place just as your BH is. It takes time and 6 months is but a drop in the bucket. I do NOT want a safe place for the OM to "fish" me out. I do not have any contact with him. I am done with him. I have changed my number so I do not have to worry about getting unwanted texts. OM and I never contacted each other on FB nor email. Perfect!!! Make sure you keep that up. And if he does ever find away to get a hold of you, make sure that you inform your BH right away, without responding. That is how you build trust. I am reluctant to hand over the phone but I always hand it over without saying anything. I just get nervous when I do. This could just be left over from the affair. You remember the fear that he would see something and you would be caught. It is totally normal. And H doesn't check it very often. Yes. I agree with one poster in that I used to hide my phone and now it takes some getting used to having it lay around in the open. I also agree that things might trigger my H. If I get a wrong number calling me, he will ask. I'm OK with that because I want to know who it is too. It always ends up being telemarketers, but he still gets angry and very upset for a moment. I also understand I deserve his wrath and ire, but it is hard to handle. Right now and for a long while, your phone will be a trigger for him. Remember that he had blind trust in you and you broke that....using your phone. I still cringe inwardly when his phone dings for a text or call. MC should help, along with your willingness to be open in regards to the phone. Hang in there!!! DD was 6 months ago. It was a PA and it was found out. I didn't confess to it. Since then, we have been in MC and it has helped SO much. I do feel free now that I don't have the phone attached to me 24/7. I can show my husband a funny fb picture, or an app on my phone without something popping up that shouldn't be there. See there is an upside....freedom. And more will come the longer you prove yourself. See bolded. 3
road Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 First of all, you do not know my back ground . You do not know me or anything about me . I am sorry that I had an affair. I am sorry that I put my H through everything I did. I am sorry that I betrayed his trust. I am sorry that I broke his heart. I feel sorry for what I've put my family through.I am sorry for every damn thing that I did. Yes, at the time I felt sorry that I got caught. But I was in what they call the "fog" I was being selfish and only thought about me. I was very hedonistic. Once this fog cleared I was faced with the reality of my betrayal and just exactly how much damage I had done. I came out of my stupor and vowed never ever ever to hurt any other human being as much as I did. I do NOT want a safe place for the OM to "fish" me out. I do not have any contact with him. I am done with him. I have changed my number so I do not have to worry about getting unwanted texts. OM and I never contacted each other on FB nor email. I am reluctant to hand over the phone but I always hand it over without saying anything. I just get nervous when I do. And H doesn't check it very often. Yes. I agree with one poster in that I used to hide my phone and now it takes some getting used to having it lay around in the open. I also agree that things might trigger my H. If I get a wrong number calling me, he will ask. I'm OK with that because I want to know who it is too. It always ends up being telemarketers, but he still gets angry and very upset for a moment. I also understand I deserve his wrath and ire, but it is hard to handle. DD was 6 months ago. It was a PA and it was found out. I didn't confess to it. Since then, we have been in MC and it has helped SO much. I do feel free now that I don't have the phone attached to me 24/7. I can show my husband a funny fb picture, or an app on my phone without something popping up that shouldn't be there. Then it should bother you that your BH should have 24/7/365 access to your phone. Again those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. It is normal for your BH to get nervous when he see's a strange number. It is not normal for you to get nervous because you are not doing anything wrong now. See I told you that was a telemarketer BH. While at it go to the do not call web site and you will greatly reduce the junk phone calls.
road Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I'm not a touchy feely kind of person. Though you touched the OM and let the OM touch you. ROTFALMAO
compulsivedancer Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I heard it again today: what you think about your mind makes true. He was talking about creating habits, and he mentioned the way addicts behave. For some reason your thread popped into my mind. The nice thing about things like this is, the more often you set your phone down and leave it in another room, etc, the sooner it goes away. Road, this nervousness actually seems totally normal to me. It's the behavior of an addict having to retrain herself regarding her phone. It was once a tool for her addiction and the habits formed during that addiction take some time to break. During my A, my phone was a source of crack, so to speak. Having it out of my protection made me nervous. I literally started to sleep with it UNDER my pillow so that it would be harder for H to look at if he got curious. Habits like that can take a bit of conscious effort to overcome. Because it's not just about the habit of protecting the phone. It's also about the FEELING you get about the phone. The protectiveness and nervousness when it's out of sight. Btw, H discovered his proof of my A by looking through my email on my phone. 2
Author JennR Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Though you touched the OM and let the OM touch you. ROTFALMAO Oh it's quite hilarious isn't it? I agree that cell phone usage is an addiction in an affair. I know I have to deal with H's triggers, and I know I am not in any position to receive compassion...but it still is very hard . Thanks for your input guys! 1
BetrayedH Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Oh it's quite hilarious isn't it? I agree that cell phone usage is an addiction in an affair. I know I have to deal with H's triggers, and I know I am not in any position to receive compassion...but it still is very hard . Thanks for your input guys! In this place, you're entitled to support. I actually think this is a good subject and thread. We don't often get the wayward perspective on reconciliation. I'm glad you're being introspective about your hesitation about the phone. Has any of this dialogue been particularly helpful?
Journee Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 The only place for privacy in a marriage is in the bathroom. Your spouse is your partner in life. There shouldn't be any secrets. Period. Oh BH! You have children! You know that bathrooms are not safe either. Fingers under the door ,small hands knocking ,little feet thundering down the hallway lol A spouse who cannot find his red tie or where he last had the truck key. No safe place lol Anyway, to the OP. I know lots of BS suffer from PTSD after DDay. Myabe some WS suffer from this also? Is there a chance that handing your H your phone sets something off within you that makes you nervous and uneasy? Like you mentioned ,feeling safe that nothing will pop up unexpectedly. I think your feeling this way deep down is ok as long as you are still handing the phone over. Neither of you signed up for an affair in your marriage so navigating reconciliation can be a learning process for everyone. You sound remorseful to me and willing to give your H what he needs. 6 months is not a long time for anything. Give it some time. I hope that you all can continue on a solid path. Good luck to you 3
BetrayedH Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Oh BH! You have children! You know that bathrooms are not safe either. Fingers under the door ,small hands knocking ,little feet thundering down the hallway lol A spouse who cannot find his red tie or where he last had the truck key. No safe place lol Ha, ha. You must know my daughter. I have to lock the door or she will open it right up everytime, even in front of guests.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Though you touched the OM and let the OM touch you. ROTFALMAO This is not nice and doesn't help or address anything.
road Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Oh it's quite hilarious isn't it? I agree that cell phone usage is an addiction in an affair. I know I have to deal with H's triggers, and I know I am not in any position to receive compassion...but it still is very hard . Thanks for your input guys! I thought it is funny. You need to realize that you need to be honest with your BH. Though when you say you are not a touchy feely person. When a BH hears his WW say that his mind is going to say to himself that my non touchy feely WW could not be touchy feely with me. Though she made all kinds of efforts to find the time to be alone with the OM and for them to both be touchy feely with each other. Your affair will cause triggers. It can not be undone. What you are going to say from now on to your BH can cause future triggers. Think before you speak.
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