For XWS :Reluctant to show Cell still?

[JennR]

I'm a former WS. As with most of us here, I sent out huge red flags with my cell phone usage. Had it with me all the time, texted OM , emails..etc. And for my R, I am doing full disclosure (passwords for all, access to phone) But i'm still reluctant to show cell phone . I am not guilty of anything, I am committed to my marriage . So, my phone is just that..a phone. All very innocent , regular texts to friends. FB and email that are on my phone can be accessed by pc as well. So why am I nervous still??

 

Anyone else feel this?

[NotCamelot]

Back in the day, for me, it was the same thing. What I was afraid of was that the AP would send a text, or something and my W would think that something was still going on....even though it was over. I was worried about that for a long time.....and therefore got scared everytime my W went through my phone, email, FB, etc.......

[cozycottagelg]

There is no infidelity in my marriage, but I still would not show my phone. I like to have things that are just mine.

 

My husband lets the kids play on his phone whenever they want, they know his password. I do not let them do the same with mine. It is a work phone, so I don't want them damaging it, but regardless, as a mom, there is very little in my house that is actually ONLY mine, my phone is one of those things.

 

I use it to text friends when I'm frustrated with my husband or the kids... etc, it's private. They are my thoughts and feelings and I share them with who I see fit, sometimes it isn't my husband.

[ChooseTruth]

Back in the day, for me, it was the same thing. What I was afraid of was that the AP would send a text, or something and my W would think that something was still going on....even though it was over. I was worried about that for a long time.....and therefore got scared everytime my W went through my phone, email, FB, etc.......

 

You are right, if the BS finds a week old message or something, especially if it's in the recycle bin...there's hell to pay.

 

The thing I've learned is that if your AP contacts you, it is a great opportunity to rebuild trust. As soon as that message comes in, show it to your spouse and ask them what you should do. You'll win massive points for being honest when it's hard. That's what BSs really need to know most, that they can trust you even when things are tough.

 

OP, you need to be transparent as possible. It's really critical to reconciliation®. Any attempt to stifle the snooping will escalate suspicious and regress progress. BS's need to verify the truth while they are re-establishing trust after betray and lies.

[Got it]

I don't know why you would feel that way. Why do you think you are resistant to sharing it if there is nothing on it? Why do you think you are hesitating? Fear? Passive aggressive control? conflict avoiding?

[AlwaysGrowing]

I could understand a personal journal that you write in. A phone? I don't get that.

 

 

"And for my R, I am doing full disclosure (passwords for all, access to phone) But i'm still reluctant to show cell phone . "

 

I am also confused that you say you give access to your phone, but don't want to give it to him. Which one is it?

 

I would think that the fact the phone is now...innocent usage..that you would be thrilled to have your husband see through ACTIONS that you have changed. Isn't this an opportunity to earn TRUST?

[Owl]

I'm going to be a voice of dissent here.

 

If you want to rebuild your spouse's trust in you after you cheated on them...and you used your phone to do so in some fashion...then you should WILLINGLY give them access to the phone.

 

Why are you hesitant to do so? What are you afraid of happening?

 

The benefit is that if you're doing nothing...seeing nothing on your phone over a period of time will DEMONSTRATE to your betrayed spouse that you're no longer continuing the affair...that you're now behaving in a trustworthy fashion where you were not before.

 

How else do you expect them to rebuild/regain their trust in you, after it was shattered by your actions previously?

 

Think about it.

 

Your very hesitance would be a red flag for most BS's that you're still wanting to hide something.

[Cali408]

Then you're not 100% committed. Change your number that way your xap can't find you.

[underwater2010]

All I know is my FWH doesn't hesitate to show me or allow me to look. Now that dday is over a year out, I don't check as much just every now and then.

 

But to be fair....my phone, email and facebook is all open to him and always has been.

 

As a BS I would be upset to know that he might be hesitant to show me anything. His trust being earned back depends on his full disclosure.

[Snowflower]

I'm a former WS. As with most of us here, I sent out huge red flags with my cell phone usage. Had it with me all the time, texted OM , emails..etc. And for my R, I am doing full disclosure (passwords for all, access to phone) But i'm still reluctant to show cell phone . I am not guilty of anything, I am committed to my marriage . So, my phone is just that..a phone. All very innocent , regular texts to friends. FB and email that are on my phone can be accessed by pc as well. So why am I nervous still??

 

Anyone else feel this?

 

JennR, I like your honesty.

 

A couple of questions for you: does your husband ask to see your cell phone? Some BS's choose not to check these types of things. Also, why don't you want to show it to him? Does it make you feel humiliated, controlled, or is it a reminder of your wrong-doing? I'm just guessing here. I would figure out why you don't want to show him-maybe it is the feelings it brings up for you-and then go from there.

[whichwayisup]

I'm a former WS. As with most of us here, I sent out huge red flags with my cell phone usage. Had it with me all the time, texted OM , emails..etc. And for my R, I am doing full disclosure (passwords for all, access to phone) But i'm still reluctant to show cell phone . I am not guilty of anything, I am committed to my marriage . So, my phone is just that..a phone. All very innocent , regular texts to friends. FB and email that are on my phone can be accessed by pc as well. So why am I nervous still??

 

Anyone else feel this?

 

You are scared that your exAP will contact you and your spouse will read the text messages/emails/fb messages?

 

Have you BLOCKED your exAP? Are you hoping to hear from him, even though you know you're in NC mode?

 

Are you afraid of what your H might read, get hurt all over again? Is there a truth or something that you left out during your talks with him? Anything that you did and didn't tell him about?

 

I'm sure it isn't nice to have to be checked upon by your BS, but it is what it is. You created this mess by cheating on him, and part of your consquence is, being a total open book even if that means sharing any info that pops up on your phone. If you are truly wanting that second chance, truly wanting to fix yourself and your marriage, reconnect again, then focus on that, rather than what (might) come up on your phone.

 

You could change the number..

[road]

I'm a former WS. As with most of us here, I sent out huge red flags with my cell phone usage. Had it with me all the time, texted OM , emails..etc. And for my R, I am doing full disclosure (passwords for all, access to phone) But i'm still reluctant to show cell phone . I am not guilty of anything, I am committed to my marriage . So, my phone is just that..a phone. All very innocent , regular texts to friends. FB and email that are on my phone can be accessed by pc as well. So why am I nervous still??

 

Anyone else feel this?

 

 

Because right now you are more sorry that you got caught then sorry that you had an affair.

 

You want a safe place for the OM to fish for you. You do not plan it to happen this way outwardly.

 

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[bwright42tx]

I'm a former WS. As with most of us here, I sent out huge red flags with my cell phone usage. Had it with me all the time, texted OM , emails..etc. And for my R, I am doing full disclosure (passwords for all, access to phone) But i'm still reluctant to show cell phone . I am not guilty of anything, I am committed to my marriage . So, my phone is just that..a phone. All very innocent , regular texts to friends. FB and email that are on my phone can be accessed by pc as well. So why am I nervous still??

 

Anyone else feel this?

 

I am not a big fan of full disclosure. I've been down that path with my wife before after an online and phone/long distance affair she had with an ex boyfriend of hers. She was reluctant to give me full disclosure afterwards, and that really bothered me at the time. It took me a while to understand that full disclosure wasn't going to fix anything. I either trusted her or I didn't.

 

I subscribe to a blog called "Sexual Intelligence" by Dr. Marty Klein, and I read this gem in one of his articles the other day:

 

"* After the revelation of infidelity, the Betrayed often demands access to the Betrayer’s cellphone records, email passwords, etc.. I discourage this, because it doesn’t build trust, it prevents it. Trust is what you develop in the absence of information, not as a result of having information. And I’ve never seen anyone use the information gained from this monitoring in a wholesome way—it’s always to hurt someone, either self or other."

 

Here is a link to that post: After the Affair?What? | Sexual Intelligence

 

 

My experience was years ago (over 5+ years ago), but reading that a few weeks ago, something finally clicked and it made sense to me. I wish I would have had that advice all those years ago, it would have made for a smoother healing period.

 

I do agree with what ChooseTruth said:

 

The thing I've learned is that if your AP contacts you, it is a great opportunity to rebuild trust. As soon as that message comes in, show it to your spouse and ask them what you should do. You'll win massive points for being honest when it's hard. That's what BSs really need to know most, that they can trust you even when things are tough.

 

 

That is a better way to rebuild trust in my opinion than full disclosure.

 

As a disclaimer though, only you know your partner and what it will take for you to regain trust. Maybe full disclosure is required for their to even be a chance. But I would at least have a discussion about what the point of the full disclosure is.

[road]

There is no infidelity in my marriage, but I still would not show my phone. I like to have things that are just mine.

 

My husband lets the kids play on his phone whenever they want, they know his password. I do not let them do the same with mine. It is a work phone, so I don't want them damaging it, but regardless, as a mom, there is very little in my house that is actually ONLY mine, my phone is one of those things.

 

I use it to text friends when I'm frustrated with my husband or the kids... etc, it's private. They are my thoughts and feelings and I share them with who I see fit, sometimes it isn't my husband.

 

 

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You obviously have plenty to hide.

 

Years ago before all we had was newspapers and tv news it was said to never put anything in writing that you do not want printed in the newspaper.

 

And there you are committing things in writing (texts) that you do not want known.

 

What is wrong with people do they no longer know how to speak one on one any more.

[unodos1011]

I can relate to this. Things between me and my WH are so shaky sometimes that I get nervous to hand him my phone. I never know what could set him off, I've almost completely stopped "liking" things on fb because he gets angry. I stopped posting anything on twitter because he gets wound up "who was THAT for", or "what is THAT suppose to mean." I'm afraid that he'll stumble across my pages that visit such as this one and see something that angers him even though I've never said anything about him that I haven't said to him.

 

I always hand it over...but I always feel very nervous about it so I understand where you are coming from. Also, that's just an unfortunate part of being in a relationship with no trust. If you are truly committed to R then you just kind of need to suck it up and accept that full disclosure was part of that R agreement so you have to face this for a while.

[road]

I am not a big fan of full disclosure. I've been down that path with my wife before after an online and phone/long distance affair she had with an ex boyfriend of hers. She was reluctant to give me full disclosure afterwards, and that really bothered me at the time. It took me a while to understand that full disclosure wasn't going to fix anything. I either trusted her or I didn't.

 

I subscribe to a blog called "Sexual Intelligence" by Dr. Marty Klein, and I read this gem in one of his articles the other day:

 

"* After the revelation of infidelity, the Betrayed often demands access to the Betrayer’s cellphone records, email passwords, etc.. I discourage this, because it doesn’t build trust, it prevents it. Trust is what you develop in the absence of information, not as a result of having information. And I’ve never seen anyone use the information gained from this monitoring in a wholesome way—it’s always to hurt someone, either self or other."

 

Here is a link to that post: After the Affair?What? | Sexual Intelligence

 

 

My experience was years ago (over 5+ years ago), but reading that a few weeks ago, something finally clicked and it made sense to me. I wish I would have had that advice all those years ago, it would have made for a smoother healing period.

 

I do agree with what ChooseTruth said:

 

 

That is a better way to rebuild trust in my opinion than full disclosure.

 

As a disclaimer though, only you know your partner and what it will take for you to regain trust. Maybe full disclosure is required for their to even be a chance. But I would at least have a discussion about what the point of the full disclosure is.

 

 

This is pure pyscho babble that will only appeal to the WS justifying not being honest about their affair.

 

You can not build trust with a person/WS that still continues to lie and keep secrets.

 

Blind trust is what got the BS a betrayed spouse the first time.

 

Blind trust can never be restored. To do so will only result in their WS having a second affair.

[harrybrown]

Did you get caught or did you confess?

 

Was the affair, an EA or a PA?

 

How is your spouse doing at this time and how long since Dday?

[wanting more]

As a FWS (that did not R). After d-day. In the beginning I/we were not sure if we would R or not. I did give my passwords and left my phone lying around so that if BSO wanted to look he could. I knew there would be no texts from xMM, maybe xMM BW but she and my BSO were still keeping in touch so if she'd have sent anything, he'd probably already has a copy or knew about it.

 

But I was worried. I work in a male dominated industry. This is my work phone. At night (not late nights but After normal work hours) I get texts from male co-workers. Nothing sexual. Nothing out of line. But they could say "hey, hope everything worked out today". Or "got you covered on what you need" or "hey, we need to talk tomorrow" all strictly work related.

 

I've never gone with anyone (xMM) to lunch alone. Out for drinks alone. But at that time, when BSO discovered the A he figured I'd have slept with anybody. SoI was worried he'd see this and read more into it than there was

[compulsivedancer]

I'm a former WS. As with most of us here, I sent out huge red flags with my cell phone usage. Had it with me all the time, texted OM , emails..etc. And for my R, I am doing full disclosure (passwords for all, access to phone) But i'm still reluctant to show cell phone . I am not guilty of anything, I am committed to my marriage . So, my phone is just that..a phone. All very innocent , regular texts to friends. FB and email that are on my phone can be accessed by pc as well. So why am I nervous still??

 

Anyone else feel this?

 

It was hard for me at first. I had been so protective of my phone that it felt wrong to leave it in the open, leave it sitting face up, have it off silent (so he could hear incoming calls/texts). Leaving it in another room was a different story.

 

I didn't have anything to hide (now that DDay was past), but that habit was still there. (Likewise, I still checked my phone a million times a day because I was so used to OM texting me...I didn't know what to do with my time.)

 

If you don't have anything to hide, you'll get used to it after a while. Eventually it becomes freeing. It's so nice not to have to think about the fact that it's in the other room, or worry whether you've missed a ton of texts, or be concerned that your H will use your phone to do a search and discover an incoming text, etc.

 

Btw, I never thought OM would text me, so that wasn't even on my mind.

[crederer]

I dunno why you are nervous if you have no reason to be. It's probably because you weren't 100% honest with all the details your spouse wanted, and you're afraid there is some evidence left in there somewhere that you overlooked.

 

You destroyed the trust, if your spouse feels the need to look through your phone to regain that trust, you should do it without hesitation. I think he has earned that by sticking with you through it all.

 

If there is anything you left out that you feel he might find, you should just tell him on your own free will rather than him finding out other ways cause that will for sure be the dagger in the relationship.

[BetrayedH]

When your betrayed spouse investigates and finds nothing, you both win. You should embrace it. Nothing gave me more reassurance than when my wife agreed that I should investigate whenever I wanted and however I wanted without telling her about any of it. Any hesitation would have been a red flag. Is that what you want?

 

Don't hide a damn thing.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think there is definitely a balance in all of this. As far as I know I have access to my husbands email and phone bak accounts etc. However, I don't have access to his phone records. He can look at my phone whenever he wants and he knows the password to my email. - it never changed.

 

I do have a key logger on the main computer, but you know what? It's tiresome. When I found out that xmow was coming in and out of the office at times, I put a var in his car but you know what? I quickly tired of the sleuthing. I have discovered a few things on the computer that are a little alarming, but I am working on that.

 

As far as I go? I have no thought that xmom will text me. I believe if he wanted to see me or contact me he would probably just show up somewhere. Possibly an email, but I highly doubt it because I know ( at least the last i knew) he was monitored heavily.

 

Now that the blind trust is gone for both of us though, I do worry that any text coming in from a male would raise a red flag or be seen the wrong way. But honestly he just doesn't check much anymore.

 

I just don't know where I stand on this - the constant monitoring building trust again? Or not monitoring at all - I tend to vote for the latter. The constant sleuthing makes me grow very weary.

[JennR]

Because right now you are more sorry that you got caught then sorry that you had an affair.

 

You want a safe place for the OM to fish for you. You do not plan it to happen this way outwardly.

 

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

First of all, you do not know my back ground . You do not know me or anything about me . I am sorry that I had an affair. I am sorry that I put my H through everything I did. I am sorry that I betrayed his trust. I am sorry that I broke his heart. I feel sorry for what I've put my family through.I am sorry for every damn thing that I did. Yes, at the time I felt sorry that I got caught. But I was in what they call the "fog" I was being selfish and only thought about me. I was very hedonistic. Once this fog cleared I was faced with the reality of my betrayal and just exactly how much damage I had done. I came out of my stupor and vowed never ever ever to hurt any other human being as much as I did.

 

I do NOT want a safe place for the OM to "fish" me out. I do not have any contact with him. I am done with him. I have changed my number so I do not have to worry about getting unwanted texts. OM and I never contacted each other on FB nor email.

 

I am reluctant to hand over the phone but I always hand it over without saying anything. I just get nervous when I do. And H doesn't check it very often. Yes. I agree with one poster in that I used to hide my phone and now it takes some getting used to having it lay around in the open. I also agree that things might trigger my H. If I get a wrong number calling me, he will ask. I'm OK with that because I want to know who it is too. It always ends up being telemarketers, but he still gets angry and very upset for a moment. I also understand I deserve his wrath and ire, but it is hard to handle.

 

DD was 6 months ago. It was a PA and it was found out. I didn't confess to it. Since then, we have been in MC and it has helped SO much.

 

I do feel free now that I don't have the phone attached to me 24/7. I can show my husband a funny fb picture, or an app on my phone without something popping up that shouldn't be there.

[JennR]

I think we are concentrating too much on the details and not enough on the larger issue here-its not the phone-its about being able to do whats needed to heal your partner-either you are all in or not-

 

I have been trying to help heal my BS. I do give him full disclosure. It's not like I'm grabbing the phone away from him, or hovering when he is looking. I just get that feeling inside.

 

One huge thing that I said for a reason why I strayed was because "he doesn't listen to me. He doesn't understand how I feel and he isn't giving me the attention I need" But that wasn't the case. I was to blame as well. I didn't TELL him how I felt. I didn't pay enough attention to his needs as well. It was all a revolving door. I didn't pay attention to him and that caused him to not pay attention to me. I am now consciously making an effort to tell him how I feel, to be more open with my emotions. He has told me that he loves physical contact. It may just be something little as holding hands, or random hugs and kisses. I have always had a hard time doing this.. I'm not a touchy feely kind of person. I understand that by doing these little actions, it will go a long way to making him feel better so I do it.

 

I feel I am doing a good job in the R.

 

I do appreciate everyone's opinions on this matter. I do not mean to sound snippy. Conveying my emotions and thoughts via postings have always been hard for me.

[cozycottagelg]

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You obviously have plenty to hide.

 

Years ago before all we had was newspapers and tv news it was said to never put anything in writing that you do not want printed in the newspaper.

 

And there you are committing things in writing (texts) that you do not want known.

 

What is wrong with people do they no longer know how to speak one on one any more.

 

I talk plenty. You don't ever vent about anyone? I didn't say I was hiding things that were potentially damaging to my relationship...if I did it wasn't my intention.

 

For example, yesterday I texted 2 of my mom friends "my daughter forgot to hand in her forms for school AGAIN..what an airhead!" they know I love my daughter, I was just venting. My daughter however can read, I wouldn't want her reading that. She got enough grief about not handing it in.

 

I was simply saying to the OP, that I GET having ONE thing that's just yours. If she is still carrying on conversation with an AP...I can see why she wouldn't want to share... but sometimes you need something of your own.