Carmine Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 I found this site through google, and I guess I want the opinions of some people who are able to stand back and look at my situation with an unbiased eye. I signed up with a very well known dating site back in August. It cost me a little over 160 bucks, but since I do well for myself, money wasn't an issue at this point. I'm one month away from turning 29, I have a car and a house, yet no "love". No one to share my life with. I figured the online dating thing was the only way to end this, because working 50 hour weeks doesn't leave me a lot of time to go "Clubbing"...not too mention I'm a geek who just hates that sort of thing. Anyway, I met this girl via the service during my firts week of membership there. By August 23rd, we were exchanging emails. The problem is that, while she will send me "Nice" emails, she seems like she has no real interest in me. I realize she is a student and that I'm sure school is very demanding of her time, but why is it that it takes her anywhere from 12-20 days to send me emails? Even when I do get emails from her, it's the typical "Ohhh, I'm so busy, I'll email you later, Bye!!!" Kind of stuff that makes me stay up all night crying my eyes out. At first, we use to talk on Yahoo messenger. I DL'ed the thing because she said she had it and since she wouldn't let me call her (Or call me collect) I figured it was the only way we'd talk outside of email. Problem is, her appearances on messenger were so erratic that I was staying up until midnight, sometimes 1am, waiting for her because I needed to talk to her so desperately. Eventually, I told her that I couldn't use messenger because I was losing sleep (I wake up at 4am just so I can make the commute to work) and she said that was fine and we just talked through email...albeit with 20 days gaps inbetween her rather "short" emails. Now, Amy is so sweet when she does send a "real" email. God, the things she has said to me. The problem is, why is she taking so long to meet me, and why won't she call me on the phone??? I told her, if she is worried about LD charges, just call me collect, I'll pay the charges. I even gave her my mailing adress and told her if she wants to send me letters (Or anything else) she could do that and just leave her own adress off the envelope. I even told her my work number, WHERE I work, and how to safely contact me there...yet nothing. She has sent me emails before where she has told me how she is always thinking about me, how she is constantly thinking about the day she can run up to me and hug & kiss me, and even has a pet name for me (And I, her) but none of this means anything if, after FIVE MONTHS you still haven't phoned me or let me meet you. She says she is busy with school, but how the flying F can you be THAT busy with school? I went to school, went to college, and while it can be hectic, I was still staying up late online every night. I have a demanding job and work well over 40 hours a week...yet I COULD send her an email every day if I felt she wanted me to. Why can't she??? Does she think I'm an axe murderer or something? At this point, I'm ready to give her my social security number so she can run a check on me to see I'm not...ANYTHING to get her to finally drop the 20-day email wait and ignoring of me. I don't have the time to wait for silly stuff like this. I'm almost 29 and want a family and wife. She's 25 and supposedly wants the same thing...but it doesn't seem that way. Is there something I'm doing wrong???? I'm afraid to email her too much because if I do, I might smother her. Why is she doing this??? When does she plan on finally making this a "Real" relationship? Maybe you guys, who are more skilled and experienced in this form of dating, know something I don't, because I'm all out of answers. I love Amy, but I've been crying myself to sleep every night for a good four months now (Except those lovely nights where I actually get an email from her) and the depression is GREATLY affecting my work and has even caused me to get into a car accident going into work one day because my eyes were all teared up and I couldn't even see. Side question: Is it too much to ask a woman to email you everyday? Are they all so distant and apathetic?
Devildog Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Are you still a member of this dating site? If so, I suggest taking a dip back into the pool of eligible women there. Your only contact has been through email and messenger? Never actually heard a voice or anything? There are some sick individuals out there that enjoy toying with other people's emotions. "Amy" might not even be a woman. Doesn't make much sense why she would avoid calling you even once. Had you been offering information on your interests and what not? It is easy enough, especially with a 20 day lag in emails to pretend you have knowledge of someone else's interests and therefore have alot in common. I don't think "Amy" is what you want in your life. Re-bait your hook and see if you can catch something better.
Majik45 Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 I agree with DevilDog. As much as you think you are in love with this girl, if you haven't talked or met, it's probably just a fantasy. Go back on the dating website and find someone else who's ready for a relationship. This girl sounds like she's not ready for anything.
Moose Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 This may sound far fetched to some, but in reality, this is done on a regular basis..... Some dating sites actually hire one or two people to write bogus emails keeping folks hangin' on........I'm not saying that this is the case, but you never know!
Pocky Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Your actions regarding this situation are very unhealthy. You are extremely sensitive to the actions of someone you've never met and you are terming this interaction a relationship when in fact it is not a relationship and isn't remotely close to being a relationship. While I believe that people can fall in love at first sight I think it is something that has to be cultivated on both sides while the two people get to know one another. However, in your circumstance you have not been given the opportunity to get to know this woman you "think" you're in love with and she certainly isn't working with you to form a strong bond. Considering you know so very little about her, I would have to say that your love is derived from your dependency you've formed on this imaginary relationship. In all honesty, you need to seriously take a look at your behavior and consider that your perception that she's being apathetic stems from the fact that you're being obsessive and melodramatic. Unfortunately, the attachment you have formed to this woman is a bit presumptuous, unrealistic and extremely unhealthy. And, considering how she's shown a lack of interest in contacting you, I would suggest you come to the conclusion that she's probably only flirting, has not interest in a serious long-term relationship with you and it's best that you move on and end contact with her.
Moose Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 The best place, I feel anyways, to meet women is at Church.......but, there are a lot of women on here that if I weren't married, I'd be interested in getting to know better.......anyway......if it's a long time relationship and your life you want to share with someone, I'd get away from the internet scene and try something else like a coffee house......
Author Carmine Posted December 12, 2004 Author Posted December 12, 2004 There is a lot to take in here, and I thank you all for the feedback. The thought that Amy was actually an employee of the site "Leaving me hanging" long enough to keep my subscription going DID cross my mind, but I googled her yahoo user name and saw an old (Five years old) un-used and never once updated AOL member's page that had her info in it...right down to full name, height, weight, school, city, and what would be her future occupation. Simply put, she can't be fake. Also, I wouldn't have fallen for her had she not made it so easy to do. I am tempted to take screenshots of the letters she's sent and post them to my webspace for you to see, but that's downright wrong. Let's just say, she SOUNDS like she is 150% into me. The kind of stuff that most guys would run away from and think, "Holy crap, a stalker in training!" But to someone whose last girlfriend was so cold and emotionally absent that she was even ashamed to say "I love you" in front of others (Isn't that just a man thing?), such emotion is a refreshing change of pace. I have two months left on my membership, and I don't plan to renew either. Two other women have responded to my profile in the last couple of days and actually requested me to reply ASAP, so I'll give them a shot and see where it goes. One last thing, Amy says that she will graduate from school in two weeks, her last day is supposedly the 17th. She also promised in an earlier email that we'd meet before Christmas, so I pitched the idea that we meet on the 19th. I haven't recieved a reply yet...big surprise there. If there isn't any effort on her end to get this going (And I'm the one offering to drive five hours on my day off) then I'm telling her she doesn't have me to toy with anymore. EDIT: About meeting women at church: People always say that, but at my church, I am one of only four "regulars" who are under 40. The other three are the pastor's 16 year old daughter, his 18 year old son, and Tim, our official "doorman", who is 19 and just graduated highschool this past summer. I've tried borders, our local starbucks (A mall starbucks, which isn't quite the same) and even the Library, but after a decade of searching I learned something: Real life searches aren't any better then the internet ones.
Quiet Waters Posted December 17, 2004 Posted December 17, 2004 Maybe she's shy and doesn't want to appear too available or clingy? On the other hand, she might feel smothered if you're asking her to communicate with you every day. I don't know... School is VERY demanding however, and I'd give her at least through the holiday to reconnect with you. But I'm also sensitive and I try best not to play 'dating games.' But you know - I wouldn't wait around for her either. Go out with your friends, find a book... be the person she started liking in the first place because she won't like you if you constantly pine for her. I don't know what to tell you beyond that. If she seriously said all those things to you - and implied she wanted more, then it's pretty heartless of her to treat you like this. Then again it very well could be school and distance, but there are other things to consider - like what are her plans when she's done with school? Also how long has she been 'strining' you? Life between Halloween and New Years is hellish for most people in school or in the business world. But if she's been stringing you for four months you might want to either cut it off or 'just be friends.' If you're really serious about this girl, ask her to call you or come and visit you over break. Or maybe you two can meet in a mutual place - I don't know. I also believe it's too much to ask anyone to e-mail you every day for a variety of reasons. Some people try to avoid the internet, (as I do because I've struggled with i-addiction) and other 'old-schoolers' don't like the impersonal form of communication. I think 'every day contact' in long distance relationships is too much, and to pressure for such contact shows a lack of trust. What you're going through isn't healthy though. If I were you I'd have a serious discussion with her. It would be good not to make it feel like a 'serious' discussion. This might be difficult if she's always on the go. Also a lot of people take an 'f u' approach to breaking things off with 'stringers.' If in the end you decide to break it off with her (and it sounds like you should) you should tell her why and how you feel in regard to what she said to you. If she was just 'flirting' she was being pretty heavy worded. True it's online, true you don't know much about her, but people you talk to online are still people and they deserve the same sincerity and respect you'd give them face to face. This is not how people handle online friends for the most part - but it seems e-mail and text messaging are becoming replacements for letters and phonecalls, and I think people need to start learning that the same 'manners' of sincerity and respect apply both on and offline. Good luck to you. But it's in your best interest to maintain yourself. Don't fall apart incase she was flirting in a way that was almost borderline cruel. If she is infact that way then she's not worth your suffering. What does she study?
Author Carmine Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Quiet Waters Then again it very well could be school and distance, but there are other things to consider - like what are her plans when she's done with school? Supposedly, her plans are to spend the holidays with me. This still hasn't happened., Also how long has she been 'strining' you? Life between Halloween and New Years is hellish for most people in school or in the business world. But if she's been stringing you for four months you might want to either cut it off or 'just be friends.' If you're really serious about this girl, ask her to call you or come and visit you over break. Or maybe you two can meet in a mutual place - I don't know. Since late July. I also believe it's too much to ask anyone to e-mail you every day for a variety of reasons. Some people try to avoid the internet, (as I do because I've struggled with i-addiction) and other 'old-schoolers' don't like the impersonal form of communication. I think 'every day contact' in long distance relationships is too much, and to pressure for such contact shows a lack of trust. I don't think you read my earlier posts well enough. I said I WISH she would email me everyday. I email her ONLY when she emails me, or sometimes, when it takes her more then 15 days, I send her one and innocently tell her what I've been up to and what my friends asaid, ect... just to be sure she doesn't think I'm ignoring her. No, I have NEVER gave her a reason to think I'm "clingy", I may be sitting here crying, but I sure know how to hide it. What you're going through isn't healthy though. If I were you I'd have a serious discussion with her. It would be good not to make it feel like a 'serious' discussion. This might be difficult if she's always on the go. I did, twice. The first time was after a couple months of this. I told her, in a very polite and direct way, that I was unsure of who/what she was and unhappy with how slowly this was going. She emailed me back telling me to reconsider, and me being the fool, I did. The second time was a couple months after that, and was more of the same. I was suckered. Also a lot of people take an 'f u' approach to breaking things off with 'stringers.' If in the end you decide to break it off with her (and it sounds like you should) you should tell her why and how you feel in regard to what she said to you. If she was just 'flirting' she was being pretty heavy worded. True it's online, true you don't know much about her, but people you talk to online are still people and they deserve the same sincerity and respect you'd give them face to face. This is not how people handle online friends for the most part - but it seems e-mail and text messaging are becoming replacements for letters and phonecalls, and I think people need to start learning that the same 'manners' of sincerity and respect apply both on and offline. As someone whose been on the internet for 9 years now, I understand where you're coming from. Although after what she has done to me the past six months I don't think she deserves sincerity or respect, I'll give her heaping amounts of both in my impending email to her. Good luck to you. But it's in your best interest to maintain yourself. Don't fall apart incase she was flirting in a way that was almost borderline cruel. If she is infact that way then she's not worth your suffering. What does she study? Supposedly, she was studying to be a nurse. According to her earlier emails, she was to graduate last week, and she kept saying once she graduated that "we" could spend all of our time together. Well, where is she now? I keep trying to tell you guys that I am NOT emailing her everyday. I have been very very good at preventing myself from sending those self-pity emails. I only email her when she emails me. What cracks me up though is all I ever see online are women emailing my friends everyday and bugging them to death. Why can't I find someone like that? Who bugs me everyday for no apparent reason at all? That's all I'm saying. Here are a small sampling of some of the emails she sent me, blacked out where needed, of course. http://mysite.verizon.net/darkfact/images/amy1.JPG http://mysite.verizon.net/darkfact/images/amy2.JPG http://mysite.verizon.net/darkfact/images/amy3.JPG http://mysite.verizon.net/darkfact/images/amy4.JPG http://mysite.verizon.net/darkfact/images/amy5.JPG
Pocky Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 I don't know what her motives are or why she is like this, but if she goes fifteen days without contacting you at all, you're not in her thoughts. Fifteen days is a long time even when someone is in school and I personally don't believe that if a woman cared deeply for a man she would let this much time pass between contact. You should end this.
KissMyTiara Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Pocky I don't know what her motives are or why she is like this, but if she goes fifteen days without contacting you at all, you're not in her thoughts. Fifteen days is a long time even when someone is in school and I personally don't believe that if a woman cared deeply for a man she would let this much time pass between contact. You should end this. Wise words. If they want to talk to you/contact you, they will. She doesn't. That alone should tell you something. And in an effort to meet a REAL person who is unattached, try http://www.true.com
fanou22 Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 So why didn't YOU go and visit her instead of waiting for her to finish the semester?
Author Carmine Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by fanou22 So why didn't YOU go and visit her instead of waiting for her to finish the semester? Because she never gave me her adress, just her city, that's why. You think I'd pass up that chance??? NO WAY!!! I have a car, a very good one, and I WOULD be there in no time at all. I have even picked nice, neutral places for us to meet, such as a nearby shopping mall (which is 10 minutes from her house, and 1 hour from mine) but no luck. She won't respond to any desire to meet, she just ignores the comments in her next emails as if they weren't mentioned. Ohhh, I gave her my home address, work address, work and home phone, cell phone number, voice mail, Post office box...but from her, nothing. An update: I FINALLY got her to send me her cell phone number Tuesday night. We made an agreement to talk over the phone for the first time. Guess what? I called at the agreed to time (7pm) and nothing. http://mysite.verizon.net/darkfact/images/amy6.JPG http://mysite.verizon.net/darkfact/images/amy7.JPG You see why I don't get it? WHY is she doing this to me? I called at 7:30....nothing. I called at 8...8:30, 9, 9:30 10....nothing. I tried at 10:30 and got her voice mail. I left a tear-filled message, me basically holding back the worst crying of my life, and told her I kept my promise by calling her. I really think I don't deserve love. I've been a doormat my whole life, and if it wasn't for my faith, I think I'd do something drastic to myself. It's getting hard to come home to an empty house. I give up. Edit: I re-posted those pictures, plus, I want you to look at what she sent me tuesday night, I guess her effort to prevent me from leaving and giving up, even though she never let me talk to her wednesday...though she seemed to actually WANT to finally talk to me.
fanou22 Posted December 26, 2004 Posted December 26, 2004 Carmine, She does not even deserve your tears. Unless I am mistaken, she does not seem to live very far off from you. A couple of hours of drive is not even considered much of a long distance. The love that you feel for her is your projected image on her. You don't even know whether you would click in person and whether the chemistry would be there. I have had my share of LDR without meeting the person first and heck I thought I loved the guy, even with the great chemistry between us on the first meeting. We clashed big time the second time we met. This is just an example of what to expect when you haven't even met a person before a LDR. As much as this might hurt, looks like the girl is playing you and keeping you as a back up in case any other relationship she might be in fails. Why don't you try meeting someone where you live? I understand it might be hard sometime but how about your friends setting you up with some of theirs? You would be amazed what you find if you look close enough. You don't need to go long distance. If you need someone to e-mail, feel free to PM me. I would be your internet buddy
Author Carmine Posted December 27, 2004 Author Posted December 27, 2004 Fanou22: I have pretty much exhausted all of the local singles. Ten years spent dating around here and every single woman I have met is either pining over the guy who got away (Like my last girlfriend) or is so lacking in compassion and affection that they won't hold your hand in the mall while you are together, but will sleep with you at the drop of a hat. I know that sounds rude and is overgeneralizing, but from my experiences, every woman I've met here falls into those categories. One woman I was with back in 99/2000 never once smiled in the 8 months I knew her. Wouldn't even let me hug her or kiss her in public, and any time I mentioned how much that hurt me and how I wanted someone who was more affectionate, she'd offer herself to keep me. Must be something in the water. Anyway, Amy lives about 45 minutes north of here. I've been to her area before, very familiar with it, it would not have been a problem to see her. I appreciate the kind words, and although it won't let me PM anyone on this site yet (I have no idea why) you can email me at [email protected]. Or contact me through MSN messenger using the same address. This will be my last post here, not because of any vain desire to act like I don't need this place, but because my only problem, which I came here to discuss, can only be solved by me. Outside help is nice, but in the end, it's me who has to make sense of this. If you have an open ear Fanou, then I could keep you updated on this and ask *your* advice. Right now, I'm just digging my hole deeper and she is just pulling me in further. Thanks for the help, everyone. Best Wishes.
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