22goingon6 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Hi everyone, I'll try to keep a long story short here. I dated my ex for about two years. It was a challenging long distance relationship, that sadly had no real end-date where we could be together due to school/work/personal reasons. Almost a year ago I made the tough decision to end it. To this day I'm not proud of how things played out, and have a very hard time forgiving myself, but things had gotten pretty stale and I felt we couldn't go on the way we were. For the first few months, she was devastated, and I hated how much I hurt and while I still wasn't completely over her, was committed to my decision and felt it was best if we had some space for a while. Over the summer however, things have completely changed. She's gotten over me incredibly, and while its sad, I obviously can't blame anyone and I'm very proud of her. I on the other hand have been basically a wreck. Since about May my feelings for her and doubt of what I did have been coming back and sadly have been getting worse with time. I often feel like I must just be in a nightmare and need to wake up. We met up a couple times over the two years, but it kills me that we never even got a chance to see how we'd succeed in a real physical relationship. I've told her all this, but she's adamant that the chances of us ever being together again are between slim and none. Probably closer to none. I try to not talk to her so much anymore, in order to move on, but its tough. Anyways, what I'm thinking about now is her birthday in a couple weeks. Do I just text her? Could I send her something? Do nothing? I know my goal should be to do whatever helps me move on, but of course I want to do whatever helps me set the foundation for a possible reconciliation one day. Aside from the birthday thing, any other tips on getting past all this now or maybe getting another shot one day down the road? Thank you
Philosoraptor Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Look, you met a couple times over two years and she has said the chances are nil that you are getting back together. You're looking for a future with her while she isn't with you, and the more you communicate the more you are making yourself suffer. If you want to take care of yourself you should cut contact and heal up. Once you've moved on yourself you can attempt a friendship if you two decide that's the right path for you. But for now, you're hurting and more contact will not make that better. 1
Am4Real Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 No...leave it be, it's just another day like the 364 others.
Author 22goingon6 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 So I see the scales are definitely tipping in favor of No. While I can see how this makes sense, it's still tough. We might not be anymore, but she's still the best friend I've ever had. It'd be hard for me to blow her off on her big day. Also, she wished me a nice happy birthday on mine (although I think that was the only time in the past like 4 or 5 months that she's initiated contact with me). So, what's the thought behind not doing it?
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Ex best friend or not. You are no longer part of each others lives. That means on Tuesday, July 16th, Christmas, Memorial Day or her B-Day...
ColdAlone Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 She was an important part of your life. A bit of 'normal' won't hurt anyone (unless you think it will). Wish her happy bday. Nothing more. It just shows you're human. Nothing more. 1
ponchsox Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 No. Let her wonder what you would be getting her for her birthday if you were still together. 1
madjac74 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Nope! I was in an LDR and decided to go no contact for certain reasons. After several weeks she wished me a happy birthday out of the blue and we chatted all day... I realized how much I missed her. But It only prolonged the inevitable that she would not move back here and I couldn't move there. So don't rekindle anything that will just lead to further heartbreak.
Sugarkane Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I say no. Especially if they don't do the same in return.
Am4Real Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 The fact that you're struggling with sending such a greeting is the "story in itself". Believe me I did too once so it's not unusual. The answer will not come from this forum or anywhere else -- it will only come from within you if you are totally honest with yourself in whatever hopes or wishes for the outcome of you reaching out. For me as I struggled with sending a message way back then, I could justify SENDING the message much easier than I could talk myself from doing it. Then it came down to one thing and one thing only and that is this: think of any birthday wish you given someone in your life whether it be family, friend, relationship S.O., whatever...if you wished him or her a Happy Birthday what happened? In all the cases I can think of the other person, the recipient, said "thank you". Was I ready to hear nothing back in return with my EX? Absolutely not! It would be a b/u reminder all over again. Here I am way into the future and should I have such an urge again (which is doubtful by the way, letting time do it's work as it did for me will all but fix that urge) and I did not receive a response, it wouldn't matter whatsoever, but that's only because much, much time and healing have passed. At the same token, any urge or need to send such a greeting has evaporated and is not likely to EVER come back. I would have NEVER EVER believed that when the birthday came about only six months after the b/u. In the end it's your call and no words or advice can overtake your honestly with yourself. How honest are you?
Am4Real Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Not related to the Birthday entirely you are describing here what many of us on LS always contend with the DUMPEE. When you heal properly, process the emotions, seek guidance or therapy to help with the devastation do you likely heal well and return to a normal state. It appears such is the case for your EX. Because she has likely healed well and from your words does not desire a relationship with you whatsoever, why on earth would you try to stoke the fire -- don't you think that is overwhelmingly selfish of you? I do. You should let her be...she knows your desires, they are not hers...respect that! Hi everyone, I'll try to keep a long story short here. I dated my ex for about two years. It was a challenging long distance relationship, that sadly had no real end-date where we could be together due to school/work/personal reasons. Almost a year ago I made the tough decision to end it. To this day I'm not proud of how things played out, and have a very hard time forgiving myself, but things had gotten pretty stale and I felt we couldn't go on the way we were. For the first few months, she was devastated, and I hated how much I hurt and while I still wasn't completely over her, was committed to my decision and felt it was best if we had some space for a while. Over the summer however, things have completely changed. She's gotten over me incredibly, and while its sad, I obviously can't blame anyone and I'm very proud of her. I on the other hand have been basically a wreck. Since about May my feelings for her and doubt of what I did have been coming back and sadly have been getting worse with time. I often feel like I must just be in a nightmare and need to wake up. We met up a couple times over the two years, but it kills me that we never even got a chance to see how we'd succeed in a real physical relationship. I've told her all this, but she's adamant that the chances of us ever being together again are between slim and none. Probably closer to none. I try to not talk to her so much anymore, in order to move on, but its tough. Anyways, what I'm thinking about now is her birthday in a couple weeks. Do I just text her? Could I send her something? Do nothing? I know my goal should be to do whatever helps me move on, but of course I want to do whatever helps me set the foundation for a possible reconciliation one day. Aside from the birthday thing, any other tips on getting past all this now or maybe getting another shot one day down the road? Thank you
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