Second or third M

[cocorico]

So the stats claim that the success rate for M decreases with each successive M - your first M has a 45 - 50% chance of ending in D, which gets up to 60 - 67% for a second M, and 70 - 73% for a third M. There are of course other factors hat impact, such as having kids who have not yet left home, age at remarriage, economic situation, etc.

 

I was chatting to a friend recently - also a second timer m to another second timer - and we were reflecting on how all the youthful mistakes we made in our first Ms were marinated over time during our period of "that was a mistake! I won't do that again" singledom, and how when we found ourselves with our current partners, we thought, "ah, but this could work!" .... And it has.

 

We appreciate our partners because we know how bad it can be, and we know of the struggles they had in their first Ms, and we learn how to do things better. We are amazed each day just how easy it is, after the galling memories of The First M, and we constantly let our partners know how much we value them and our R. And they, likewise, have similar experiences and responses (but being men, are far more romantic about expressing it!)

 

Those who are on second or subsequent Ms, does this resonate with your experience? How would you rate the quality of your current M compared to your first M?

 

For those who are M to someone who has been M before, do you consider that their previous M makes things easier or more difficult for you? I'm not referring to practical issues like blending families or paying maintenance - which are known stressors in any M - but for those without those confounding factors, do you consider your partner's having been M before an asset or a liability?

[Silly_Girl]

I grew up believing second marraiges were more 'successful'. Because my parents, my first husband's parents, my friend's parents, and various couples had at least one partner if not two married previously and they seemed to stay together cmoe what may. I mean through really difficult (horrible) times. As if one failed marriage was allowed but two would be too many. This is going back some years.

 

For me, my two marriages are a world apart. I was young (19), trying to do the right thing, happy and in love and after an issue with my meds, found myself pregnant. I thought getting married was 'what you did'. And we were very happy for most of it despite knowing we had been rash and probably wouldn't go the distance. I had a very short term view back then.

 

This time I thought long and hard. I tested the relationship, I thought about what I needed and wanted from my life as a whole, as well as a partner. We talked (endlessly) about various scenarios, we were much better aligned in terms of life values but less so where general interests were concerned. Same life goals, a lot of respect for each other. A mutual aim to build something together, to build a family and a life together. Very different indeed. if I didn't anticipate us spending many, many years together I wouldn't have considered marriage or babies. I was happy enough without either.

[dichotomy]

I am in a second marriage for both of us. I think we both came out of our first marriage having understood we wanted something different and we made a mistake.I do think in general both of us choose much better partners (each of us) the second time around.

 

However, the difference was that after my first marriage, I sought out a year or two of of good IC to deal with the hurts and damage that came out of my first marriage. My wife only got some very limited and bad IC- and remained in an unhealthy place for several years. This unhealthy behavior was dragged into our marriage and caused great damage. She is getting counseling now but its through MC with both of us. It has been a great loss for our marriage to be working out her issues from before the marriage - in our marriage. We are getting there - but its slow and difficult and damage was done.

 

I think this is why many second marriage fail - if you don't really work though things and grow. Also perhaps acceptance that divorce and other bad outcomes just happen and are not a big deal carry over as well.

Edited October 23, 2013 by dichotomy

[Got it]

I agree, the second marriage (or really any marriage) is only as good as the emotional healthy of both parties.

 

So, for me, there were many things that I learned from my first marriage, things I really liked that I want to continue, things I didn't like that I don't want to repeat, etc. and take these lessons and move them forward. I have learned a much more realistic way of looking at the partnership and the efforts each party needs to bring to the table to keep it going strong.

 

I have really tried to reflect back on my first marriage and the slippery slope of us sliding into living separate lives and the importance to be part of and supporting of each other's daily needs.

 

And how important good sex is.

[TigerCub]

Never been married, but I have a friend that is on her 2nd marriage and she said something interesting.

 

- She said that for her first marriage, she was young and she married the person that made sense - would be a good person to have kids with, would be a good provider, etc. (He wasn't rich, I don't mean to make it seem like she married him just for providing/money) - she is a friend from work, so she has a job...

 

Anyways, she says that 2nd marriage works better because now that the kids are grown up, it's more about being with someone that she has a lot more in common with (same temperament, same hobbies, likes, etc..)

 

It made seemed to make sense when she explained it.

[serial muse]

I'm on my second marriage - and for me, the difference is that I feel like it was a more deliberate choice, rather than something that just "happened". So that's kind of in line with your OP, coco.

[CarrieT]

My first marriage was from the age of 20 to 25 -- WAY TOO YOUNG to know how to have a responsible, intelligent and life-long relationship.

 

I had a handful of long-term relationships in the subsequent 24 years, but I knew that none of the guys I was with were life-long relationships and I never wanted to even consider marrying them (even though one was over a decade long).

 

I am now engaged and will be entering into my second marriage in just a few weeks and the fact that I am a few months shy of turning 50 shows to me that I have finally waited for the right one.

 

My first marriage was a dalliance of youth. My second marriage is going to be my life path.

[LuvsTrucks2]

Separated from my second marriage and still muddling through the process.

 

I was way too young for the first marriage which lasted on 18 months. It took a long time to re-marry the second time around and on the 30th of theis month, we would have been married for 7 years, together for 10 years. I can honestly say that I didn't re-marry the second time around out of necessity it was because that is what I wanted and I gave it my all.

 

I don't think I will re-marry again. I often think to myself what people will think when they find out I have been married twice already. They are going to automatically label me.

[crederer]

My mum recently got remarried after having an affair on my father, then divorcing him once he found out about it.

 

When she got married the second (after only being seperated for maybe 2 or 3 years) I asked her why? Why do you feel the need to do this?

 

She said "I'm just the marriage kind of gal"

 

Uh, no you're not, you cheated on your husband for years for virtually no reason other than because you were searching for "happiness" and you fell out of love. That by definition, is the opposite of a "marriage kinda gal". It's not like he was abusive, angry, a loser (who her new husband kind of is, doesn;t pay his child support to his ex, was unemployed for like 4 years straight, then once he got a job still tried to avoid paying for child support and bought a $15000 motor cycle).

[Nyla]

If I married my first boyfriend, I would have been on my second marriage with my husband. Thankfully, I knew that 18 was much too young for marriage.

 

I wouldn't be a third wife but I would be a second wife if I found myself single again.

 

I always find it suspect when I see people getting married more than twice.

[crederer]

If I married my first boyfriend, I would have been on my second marriage with my husband. Thankfully, I knew that 18 was much too young for marriage.

 

I wouldn't be a third wife but I would be a second wife if I found myself single again.

 

I always find it suspect when I see people getting married more than twice.

 

I could see under certain circumstances a second marriage being legit. I have to agree, more than that, you just throw the meaning of marriage right out the window. I know a guy that was married and divorced 7 times. SEVEN EFFING TIMES! Dude, stop getting married, it isn't your thing.