Thought I was doing the right thing breaking up for both of us, now I'm lost

[Bandman]

Hey guys,

 

I'm looking for insight and advice on my situation. I'm 26 and about 2 and a half months ago I broke up with my first girlfriend. It was a 2 year relationship. I thought it was the right decision at the time. About a year into our relationship, there were seeds of doubt that I wanted to be with her. When I went out with friends she came along and tried her best to have fun, but her anxiety would push me away from others and I had to focus on her which frustrated me. She got better lil by lil accepting the way i liked to have fun with my friends and I tried my best to meet her halfway and show her I wanted to have fun with her as well. What touched me the most is that she was terrible at snowboarding and through pain and tears she tried her best to get better just so that she could do something with me.

 

About a year and a half in I noticed she only liked to cuddle and talk most of the time we were together. She didn't really want to connect with things that I wanted to do in terms of music, shows, movies and passions. Getting out of touch with these things made me get less interested in the relationship and it felt like I was ignoring a part of myself really. We did go outdoors and took excursions out to national parks and gardens and the zoo which kept our relationship alive because I really connected with her, but aside from those excursions, it was literally sleep, cuddle, talk on the phone every night which I hate to say I grew bored of but she still needed to have that line of communication. I found myself lying awake losing sleep talking to her to curb anxiety and make her feel better when I felt that she needed to handle that herself at some point instead of draining it out of me. One thing that really annoyed me was when I would be out with friends and if I didnt drop everything i was doing to talk, she would be bitter later on. I feel like the right girl wouldnt have that attitude and realize i'm shunning my friends by dropping everything to talk to her. These things slowly killed my attraction and my sex drive tapered to the point I looked forward to her being on her period so I wouldnt be asked about sex. This period lasted for about 3-4 months before the breakup where I would only want sex on a once a week basis. Everytime we had a walk in the park or saw something beautiful together it always brought me back to why i loved her but there was an overpowering sense that I wasnt myself because I answered to her so much, went out of my way to please her which would be cuddling with her, making her feel happy, and talking to her on the phone every night. On her end she was in love with me and was looking towards the future living together and having kids.

 

Eventually, one of her friends drew my attention because she was much more stable, laughed at my jokes, shared my point of view on relationships and values and she was very genuine and kindhearted. I can identify a harmless crush, but knowing this girl for a year and hanging out on a more regular basis in recent months, I had felt a connection with her the more and more I got to know her, she made me laugh and I enjoyed doing simple things with her like talk and playing video games, i felt like i wanted to stay up all night talking to her. I had felt this for months close to the end of the relationship, and one night, i hugged her good night and then kept her in my arms and tried to kiss her. She backed off and left, and I stood there in wonder about what I had almost done. I looked at my girlfriend the next day and felt guilt and didnt know how I could look at her and tell her that i loved her. So 3 days later i told her what happened and decided to break it off completely, saying i needed to figure out who I was and what i wanted in someone before i can commit. She begged for me back but there had been a 3 or 4 talks of me questioning about staying in the relationship during the past 6 months and I said i would only stay with her if I could guarantee these break up talks wouldn't happen again, and I couldn't make that guarantee so I left. Inadvertently I would also have to let go of the girl i liked as well as they were friends.

 

She tried to get me back for about 2 weeks and I tried to move on talking to other girls and working out to feel better about myself (I was 200 during the relationship now i'm 182 which is closer to my weight before we started dating). After 2 weeks, she was silent, she had posted statuses on her facebook about going out and on twitter mentioning, "Finally my life is back in order again". Within the following weeks I drunk dialed her foolishly saying that I cant talk to her so that I'm not tempted to get back with her. And finally we agreed to meet for coffee to sort things out and figure if we can actually be friends. I mentioned I really liked the girl I attempted to kiss for a while, and she stabbed back that she had been sleeping consistently in the last lil while with another guy. It stung badly, that weekend I did something really stupid and went to her house drunk unannounced to get her back. I literally sat on her bed while she was asleep and she woke up and said "Holy ****", I'm very ashamed of this. She was shocked at first, but finally began to say that she cant trust me and doesn't want to risk her new relationship for someone who only wanted her when she mentioned the new guy. I left completely shattered knowing I had lost her. The next day I called her trying to get closure on everything that had happened and she mentions that her new guy wants a restraining order put against me for randomly showing up at her house in her room. But she told him to let her talk to me first to straighten me out. She told me to focus on myself and try not to think of her anymore. I told her I still loved her but she said i'm broken and i need to recover and she can't trust me. So i finally conceded and told her to take care of herself and that she'll always have a place in my heart.

 

From hear on out i have maintained about a month and a half of no contact. Tho i have tracked her twitter and facebook and in recent weeks have found out that she has grown in love with this guy but she keeps moving back and forth on it saying she needs to focus on herself and not be the other half of a relationship. I was wondering if someone could sort out my emotions, if these intense feelings are just an emotional jealous response, or do i really do truly love her. I keep on second guessing my decisions and whether it was for good reason, I really felt it was at the time, but now I feel like I should have put more work into making it work between the two of us and communicating more on what I wanted out of the relationship instead of giving up on her. But again my thoughts are unhinged, are the issues we had even something we could fix (sharing mutual interests and passions, fixing her neediness, controlling her anxiety when i'm not around)? At the time I broke up I found the relationship almost suffocating and I wasn't happy but she's one of the few people that loved me unconditionally which I know is very hard to find. Did I break up for the right reasons. Sorry for the length but my feelings for her are so confused, I cant decide whether its loneliness drawing me to her or do i actually love her and have came to that realization too late. Should I contact her? Any help would be appreciated, i am very sad and could use a helping hand. Thank you.

[Philosoraptor]

Your reasons were solid and due to her insecurities you became a codependent fixer rather than a happy and fulfilled partner. She is needy and unable to be alone, so she rebounded as quickly as possible so she wouldn't have to face her feelings.

 

You're out of your mind to consider going back as you were not happy and you were not able to be you during that relationship. Remember, it's not this reminicent you who made the decision to leave, it was the miserable one who was actually living through the unhappiness.

[aybc123]

Your story sounds extremely similar to mine buddy, was never sure that she was the one, and by the end i spent so much energy trying to fix my exes problems/ neediness/ anxiety and that i just felt suffocated and almost irrelevant in the relationship. Had the same thing with a friend who I shared interests with and felt a connection with that showed me what things should be like too. Broke up in the end for the same reasons. My ex actually didnt move on at that point and we ended up semi getting back together 5 months later after 2 complete breakdowns on her part (year out of studying/ medication full deal). 6 months of taking it slow helping her get well she then broke up with me saying she wasnt well enough to be in a relationship with anyone but if she was it'd be me then moved onto a new guy after a few weeks and now appears to be in love with him and planning events with him in a years time etc (thanks Facebook). Is also ignoring me completely after i told her i still loved her.

 

Have the same feelings of doubt now. This girl loved me absolutely unconditionally and had done since day one, i was her everything and she was loyal to a fault, she was cute and silly and even though she could never help me emotionally she always tried to support me in other ways. Now i'm left wondering if i'll ever find someone who loves me like that again and whether I should've worked harder to make it work just like you, because no relationship is perfect but that one was good, i dont know. I hope we both find our answers/ peace.

 

Philosoraptors comments ring true though, my ex has never not been in a relationship, or still in love/ with someone from a past relationship since she was 16 (now 26). And i also remember feeling at the time it was the absolute right thing to do and not regretting it at all for months afterwards. So i dont know why I feel so unsure now if ive made the worst mistake of my life.

 

If i were you OP i would not contact her. If shes anything like my ex then she'll be focused on this new relationship just like she was focused on you and any contact from you will just push her away even more. Try your best to heal up and do all the things you felt you couldnt do before. Her new relationship may just be a rebound and she might realise she loves you still and come back. Or she might be with this guy for the rest of her life, you just dont know but the best thing you can do is to get on with your life, eventually it will stop hurting. I'd advise against dating people btw, I've been doing that and it's depressing, I'm looking for someone who is as good a match for me as her and who i share the same spark with and going through 5-10 dates and not finding anything i want to pursue even though they're all perfectly nice has just made me feel worse.

Edited October 22, 2013 by aybc123

[Bandman]

Thanks for the advice philosoraptor, it was very helpful. Anybody else have a take on this? I've wanted her back for about a month and a half now and can't get my mind off of it. I'd like to be at peace again. Has anybody been through something similar and lived to tell the tale?

[aybc123]

Imagine it like walking a circus tightrope with your current unhealthy relationship on one platform and a future healthy relationship you're actually happy in on the other.

 

From where you're standing, the decision is obvious, you dont think you want to stay on this platform, you want to get to the other, plus there's a safety net at the bottom. But when you get out onto the rope things can look a lot different.

 

When you leave your exes platform, and get onto the rope everythings fine for a while but then some new guy climbs up onto her platform and unhooks the safety net. There's no going back anymore, and without a safety net the danger is suddenly real. You're afraid you're not going to make it and feel wobbly and unstable, you want to turn around and go back but there's nowhere to go back to and panic sets in. It wasnt so bad there, it was so much better than this, it was safe etc etc.

 

Maybe you'll fall and land on a platform that is not as good as the original one, or not land on one at all, maybe in time your ex will push the current guy off and call you back over. But looking back and looking down are just going to make you feel worse and more likely to fall or grind to a halt. We've made our choice which we thought was the right one at the time, now we just have to move forwards, walk the rope and hope for the best.

Edited October 22, 2013 by aybc123

[22goingon6]

Hey man I wish I had some good advice for ya. I'm going through something very very similar.

 

I also left my ex and miss her greatly every day. It scares the hell out of me that I might have ruined what coulda been a great life with her. And I know how tough it is. All of the things people say to get your ex back like No Contact, or letting them see you happy with other people,etc., we don't know if that works when we're the one who dumped them.

 

I've been dealing with this for quite some time now, and I'll tell ya a few of the things that help me a little bit:

 

First, while you might feel lots of regret, trust that you made the right decision at the time. I personally know that my ex and I couldn't keep going the way we were. So if by some miracle her and I end up together one day, it'll be nice knowing that maybe this had to happen and served some purpose.

 

Try to keep busy. Weekends are the absolute worst for me. During the week when I'm busy with work I'm okay most of the time, but when I have free time to sit down and think, that's when I'm in trouble. Like you mentioned working out is a good idea.

 

Lastly, never give up. I think most people on here would disagree with that. They say the only way to be happy is to totally move on, and they're probably right, so you should probably ignore me on this one, but for me personally, i refuse to let go of my hope. It's really all I have.

 

Oh and also, listen to Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. It makes me happy, and trust that one way or another everything will be okay.

 

P.s. an interesting read; I think this is what happened to me, and maybe it'd resonate with you too: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

Good luck

 

Edit: by the way I just realized I wrote this as if you're trying to get her back. My apologies if you're not sure about that. I just thought your situation sounded similar to mine and told you my personal thoughts.

Edited October 22, 2013 by 22goingon6

[Bandman]

Imagine it like walking a circus tightrope with your current unhealthy relationship on one platform and a future healthy relationship you're actually happy in on the other.

 

From where you're standing, the decision is obvious, you dont think you want to stay on this platform, you want to get to the other, plus there's a safety net at the bottom. But when you get out onto the rope things can look a lot different.

 

When you leave your exes platform, and get onto the rope everythings fine for a while but then some new guy climbs up onto her platform and unhooks the safety net. There's no going back anymore, and without a safety net the danger is suddenly real. You're afraid you're not going to make it and feel wobbly and unstable, you want to turn around and go back but there's nowhere to go back to and panic sets in. It wasnt so bad there, it was so much better than this, it was safe etc etc.

 

Maybe you'll fall and land on a platform that is not as good as the original one, or not land on one at all, maybe in time your ex will push the current guy off and call you back over. But looking back and looking down are just going to make you feel worse and more likely to fall or grind to a halt. We've made our choice which we thought was the right one at the time, now we just have to move forwards, walk the rope and hope for the best.

 

That is an amazing analogy, and it maps the situation incredibly well, if you second guess yourself you wont get anywhere but back on the platform where you came from, or in one that isnt what you want yet again. You just have to have the confidence and security to walk that tight rope and go for what you really want, at least at the end of the day theres a chance for true happiness and lifes too short not to go for that.

[Bandman]

Furthermore to go with that tight rope analogy, instead of looking back or down, you need to look at the platform that you committed to going towards, and the things that you need to get there. That's what will get you to the other side, understanding what you actually want in a partner and understanding what you need to improve on and work on in your life such that you can attract such a partner.