djm1210s Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I recently met a great lady from an internet dating website. After a couple of weeks, things have gone very well. In that time period, I spent a couple nights at her place, but we have only made out, no sex involved. I met some of her friends who seem cool. I really like the woman, so I decided to disable my internet dating account. We also haven't discussed having an exclusive relationship. While disabling the account, I noticed a few women had shown some interest in me on the website. I couldn't help but take a brief look at their pictures they had posted. I made no effort to contact them or pursue them, but found myself feeling very guilty for even looking. Am I just overthinking this or should I feel guilty?
Philosoraptor Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 If you're not in a committed relationship then you have zero to feel guilty about.
Author djm1210s Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 How do you know if you are in a committed relationship? Should it be discussed to consider it committed?
Philosoraptor Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 If the two of you haven't discussed being exclusive or not seeing other people, then you had no commitment. And it's not like you did anything... you looked. Everyone looks. If you see a woman in real life and check out her butt are you going to feel guilty about that as well?
mammasita Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 You haven't discussed being exclusive - so no, you did nothing wrong by looking. Quite honestly, if you messaged these women you wouldn't have done anything wrong. Its only been a couple weeks.
Author djm1210s Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Thanks. I appreciate the unbiased opinion. I briefly skimmed through some of the written information on one of the profiles as well. Again, you feel this is irrelevant without a committed relationship in place?
Divasu Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 No. But, you don't necessarily have to have "the talk" in order to not want to date other people. Sometimes you really like someone and have no interest in entertaining outsiders, even absent of a formal relationship discussion.
mammasita Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Thanks. I appreciate the unbiased opinion. I briefly skimmed through some of the written information on one of the profiles as well. Again, you feel this is irrelevant without a committed relationship in place? Yes and no - Its irrelevant with you not having discussed it with her
MidwestUSA Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Thanks. I appreciate the unbiased opinion. I briefly skimmed through some of the written information on one of the profiles as well. Again, you feel this is irrelevant without a committed relationship in place? Absolute irrelevant. You know, when I got married, our priest actually said, during the service, that "it's always okay to look". Our guests burst out laughing. (Kinda weird for a Catholic ceremony) In any case, you're fine.
salparadise Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 How do you know if you are in a committed relationship? Should it be discussed to consider it committed? Usually it will be spoken and agreed upon, but it's also possible for it to be implied or understood. Of course there's potential for a serious misunderstanding if you haven't actually spoken about it. I assume you're using the words committed and exclusive as synonyms, but they aren't. Two people who have just begun dating but are not multi-dating could be considered exclusive without being committed. And people in open relationships could be committed without being exclusive. Many people these days insist on exclusivity at the point they begin having sex, for obvious reasons, regardless of how serious they consider it to be. I suggest you bring it up so as to avoid a misunderstanding. 1
mammasita Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 How do you know if you are in a committed relationship? Should it be discussed to consider it committed? YES! How old are you? You don't work on assumptions do you? Do you just assume you have a place to live? Do you just assume you have a job? Do you just assume you have a wife? Communicate - Open your mouth.
salparadise Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 But, you don't necessarily have to have "the talk" in order to not want to date other people. Sometimes you really like someone and have no interest in entertaining outsiders, even absent of a formal relationship discussion. This is the way it works for me usually. When I start dating someone and we're getting along well and both are showing interest after a couple of dates, I assume we're both investing in the beginning of a new relationship. It would seem awkward and premature to try and have a discussion so soon, yet I do have the expectation that we're on the same page. If I found out that she wasn't I'd be gone, as I have no desire to invest in someone who just wants to date around. But people have different attitudes, so you have to be careful about assumptions.
Divasu Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 This is the way it works for me usually. When I start dating someone and we're getting along well and both are showing interest after a couple of dates, I assume we're both investing in the beginning of a new relationship. It would seem awkward and premature to try and have a discussion so soon, yet I do have the expectation that we're on the same page. If I found out that she wasn't I'd be gone, as I have no desire to invest in someone who just wants to date around. But people have different attitudes, so you have to be careful about assumptions. Me too. If I were to get asked out during that "undefined" stage, which I have, my response has been "I'm dating someone right now I really like and not open to dating anyone else". I didn't necessarily go back and tell the guy I'm dating that happened but at some point, there needs to be some kind of a discussion about the two of you, whether it be an exchange of "feelings" towards one another or something else.
Author djm1210s Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Yes and no - Its irrelevant with you not having discussed it with her Not sure what you mean by yes and no?
Author djm1210s Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 No. But, you don't necessarily have to have "the talk" in order to not want to date other people. Sometimes you really like someone and have no interest in entertaining outsiders, even absent of a formal relationship discussion. I'm not sure what the No here is in response to. I do want to make it clear this was just a look with no action. I am very interested in the woman and have no desire at the moment to see anyone else. I do gave a tendency to feel guilty though.
hppr Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I recently met a great lady from an internet dating website. After a couple of weeks, things have gone very well. In that time period, I spent a couple nights at her place, but we have only made out, no sex involved. I met some of her friends who seem cool. I really like the woman, so I decided to disable my internet dating account. We also haven't discussed having an exclusive relationship. While disabling the account, I noticed a few women had shown some interest in me on the website. I couldn't help but take a brief look at their pictures they had posted. I made no effort to contact them or pursue them, but found myself feeling very guilty for even looking. Am I just overthinking this or should I feel guilty? I wouldn't disable your account but I wouldn't go beyond checking it once a week, maybe send a couple messages at the most. This is assuming you and her start to go steady and have sex on a regular basis. If neither of those conditions are met then I'd fire up the online account again. Really, you have just met, and women are notoriously fickle. She could drop your butt next week out of the blue or you might end up marrying her, you won't know when either is going to happen until it does.
Divasu Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I'm not sure what the No here is in response to. I do want to make it clear this was just a look with no action. I am very interested in the woman and have no desire at the moment to see anyone else. I do gave a tendency to feel guilty though. "No" was in response to your question: Did I do anything wrong here? Better? Realistically, it's human nature to look at things we find attractive. So, try not to feel guilty.
sewold09 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Dear djm1210s, after reading your situation that you have and also being a person that have used online dating sites I can honestly tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Since you two have not had "the talk" yet about whether or not you guys want to be exclusive or not then you are free to still talk to other women just as she is still free to talk to other men. I would say not to worry and have fun with the whole experience. If you two do end up hanging out more and you have strong feelings for her and want to be with just her then you will need to have a talk with her to see if you two are on the same level and if she even wants to pursue a relationship with you, but until then you have nothing to feel guilty about.
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