Think I'm through deluded denial phase?!

[sambo77]

I realised I've been in the classic old "denial" and "bargaining" phases for the last three weeks. I had not accepted that it is over, despite the neon lights and marching band that she put out there for me. I guess I just couldn't get:

 

(a) How someone who claimed to be (and made me feel like she was) so "in love" with me one minute...wasn't the next...and was on a dating site while we were together?! What would she have done if I hadn't accidentally found her dating profile?!

 

(b) Why she wouldn't want to fight for us...especially at the first major rough patch.

 

My denial and bargaining was because I simply could not reconcile these "facts" (in my mind) with what was happening, nor did I want to!

 

After NC for a week or so, then a few breadcrumbs here and there, and her telling me she misses me...last night I thought "f&%k it - I need to get out of limbo." She didn't pick up when I called, so I WAd her and said..."Hey, you mind if I ask you something?"...she replies "No"...I say..."Well, I still have feelings for you and would like us to have another shot. Do you feel like that's possible?"

 

She was online...but ignored me completely. Ouch. Like I'm nothing. I decided to check if she still had the online dating profile (have not done that since I discovered it)...she does...she has been online in the last 24 hours and is pulling out all the stops with about 12 pictures of herself looking hot (which kills me BTW!).

 

So then it hit me...SHE DOES NOT LOVE NOR WANT ME...I MEAN SO LITTLE TO HER THAT SHE CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME THE RESPECT TO REPLY TO ME PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE (even if it's just a no, or I can't, or I don't know)....SHE.IS.PROBABLY.BANGING.OTHER.DUDES. (and I can't do sh*t about it)...

 

And...in that moment...I finally passed through the fog of denial that I thought stretched out into an eternity. Granted, I passed through the fog into the welcoming arms of the depression and loneliness phase. But I like it...the denial and bargaining bit had an edgy "craziness" to it.

 

In that moment, I immediately knew I was ready to delete her from WA and FB and for the first time, I am using the term NC in the way it was intended. We all know that NC during denial is ALWAYS done in the hope it'll force a response.

 

So now I face a different task...moving forward without HER but also without delusion...moving forward knowing that she is gone, that I acted with integrity to myself, that I loved her with all I had, and that she doesn't want me. These are not palatable "facts"...it's no wonder we deny them and try to bargain them away. But they are true. I still miss her and love her...and this is gonna hurt for a while...but the plates have shifted in my mind.

 

I guess I just wanted to document this for others and myself.

[Philosoraptor]

I'm glad to hear that you've found a way to snap out of it. The longer you chose to keep her around the longer you would be making the choice to stay in pain.

 

Best of luck closing out the healing process and moving on to a happy present and future.

[sambo77]

Thanks Raptor. You're right....it's kind of a weight off to know I don't have access to her or what she's doing any longer. I also feel angrier than before. She has behaved pretty insensitively through the end of this. I know ending a relationship is never easy...but ignoring your partner, lying to them, and being passive aggressive in a move designed to push them away is not a mature way to treat people. The next guy is welcome to her.

[sambo77]

I asked myself this a lot over the course of the last month or so. If you start to absorb the majority of the advice around this and other forums you kinda (at least I did) develop the impression that your best course of action in order to have a shot at reconciliation is to sort of turn around, go all Clint Eastwood, shrug your shoulders and walk into the sunset, acting completely unaffected. I know NC isn't about getting them back at all...but I think many of us in the early phases seem to believe (or hope) that it is.

 

But most of us don't do that from the outset really. We either go through the begging and pleading phase, or we go into a sort of "muted" begging and pleading (that's what I did). For me, this was a result of my desperation to act on my strong feelings and get her back, tempered by this "belief" that only NC can work. It resulted in sporadic contact on my part, telling her I missed her occasionally, a call or two, and asking if she thinks we have a second chance...none if it done while crying or begging...but with the same intention.

 

I often wonder if total NC would have helped...right from the outset. "If only I hadn't asked her for another chance" "If only I hadn't said I missed her" "Maybe I shouldn't have shown I was thinking of her."

 

Do you really think that the ultimate end outcome is likely to be affected by such things? I wonder.

[ColdAlone]

I know that pre-internet when my ex dumped me I would just be baffled and go numb. She would come back within a week....

 

I'm sure the argueing and stuff and the ease of contact to do so doesn't help.

[Never Again]

I asked myself this a lot over the course of the last month or so. If you start to absorb the majority of the advice around this and other forums you kinda (at least I did) develop the impression that your best course of action in order to have a shot at reconciliation is to sort of turn around, go all Clint Eastwood, shrug your shoulders and walk into the sunset, acting completely unaffected. I know NC isn't about getting them back at all...but I think many of us in the early phases seem to believe (or hope) that it is.

 

But most of us don't do that from the outset really. We either go through the begging and pleading phase, or we go into a sort of "muted" begging and pleading (that's what I did). For me, this was a result of my desperation to act on my strong feelings and get her back, tempered by this "belief" that only NC can work. It resulted in sporadic contact on my part, telling her I missed her occasionally, a call or two, and asking if she thinks we have a second chance...none if it done while crying or begging...but with the same intention.

 

I often wonder if total NC would have helped...right from the outset. "If only I hadn't asked her for another chance" "If only I hadn't said I missed her" "Maybe I shouldn't have shown I was thinking of her."

 

Do you really think that the ultimate end outcome is likely to be affected by such things? I wonder.

 

As far as the dumper is concerned: Time can even erase the memories of "muted begging" as long as they haven't lost respect for you entirely.

 

As far as the dumpee is concerned: Always best to go NC. Asking for second chances, trying, begging...makes you feel like crap and you second guess yourself the whole way.

 

I only asked *once* if she thought we could try it again, and I did it during the "closure talk" she wanted to have 4 days post-BU. I told her how much I cared about her and how I wanted to work on it. I wish I never had. Why? Because it opened me up. It made me vulnerable to more hurt. I tried to "keep the door open" and hurt myself so much more.

 

Usually (not in ALL cases, I admit), it is better, and healthier, for both parties to go NC as soon as possible.

[Eddie007]

I went NC from the outset. Was a 4+ year relationship/engagement. She ended it because she wasnt happy. Said she loved me but just wasnt happy. We had grown apart of the past several months. I had talked to her about it and she said she wanted to work on things and be with me but she just never did. She checked out long before she told me anything. I didnt do any begging or pleading. We thanked each other and went our seperate ways.

 

Its been 2+ months and Ive not heard a thing from her. I forwarded an email at about the 6 week mark (was a link to a story i thought shed like, noting personal). She never responded and i doubt she will ever reach out.

[ponchsox]

Yes, I would feel better now. NC is easier said than done.

[sambo77]

OK...so maybe I was jumping the gun a bit by being overly positive when I started this thread. Grrrrrrr.

 

Today I feel like a freshly gutted fish again...just not a deluded freshly gutted fish. Is that any better?

 

It literally feels like she sliced me open and pulled out my entrails...heart included. Felt positive that I had made progress...now I see the journey is still long and dark and lonesome. I still miss her. I still love her. I still wonder if she thinks about me or misses me. She must do...surely?!

 

I read post after post on here...and the posts take me on a radical roller coaster. Some give me hope she'll return, for others to kill that hope, some make me feel strong, others weak...some give me perspective, some make me lose it again. Yet, I am drawn to this place. I somehow like the opportunity to indulge my need to ponder this breakup.

[ponchsox]

OK...so maybe I was jumping the gun a bit by being overly positive when I started this thread. Grrrrrrr.

 

Today I feel like a freshly gutted fish again...just not a deluded freshly gutted fish. Is that any better?

 

It literally feels like she sliced me open and pulled out my entrails...heart included. Felt positive that I had made progress...now I see the journey is still long and dark and lonesome. I still miss her. I still love her. I still wonder if she thinks about me or misses me. She must do...surely?!

 

I read post after post on here...and the posts take me on a radical roller coaster. Some give me hope she'll return, for others to kill that hope, some make me feel strong, others weak...some give me perspective, some make me lose it again. Yet, I am drawn to this place. I somehow like the opportunity to indulge my need to ponder this breakup.

 

It is a roller coaster indeed. Just when you thought you were feeling great, all it takes is one trigger and bam, you're low again. Something I learned that helped me during the lows is go do something for yourself that day. Go to the grocery store and buy your favorite treat. Go and buy something that you've wanted and can have fun with. Do something that makes you feel good again.

[sambo77]

Thanks dude...I'll give that a whirl. I did get myself a rowing machine last week (looks awful in my living room...but hey...my choice...my gfs always hated my exercise equipment in the lounge). Right now I feel like either ice cream or slitting my wrists...think Ben and Jerry's is preferable.