ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Hi All, Bit of a lurker around the relationship boards, but came across an issue today that I thought you may be able to help with. 2 years ago, our family found out that my sister was having a PA with someone she worked with. Her H found out using a PI after she lied and lied and lied to him. They were together 11 years, married for 18m and the affair went on the whole marriage. My sister refused to give up the AP, and H kicked her arse to the curb (and rightly so!) I have kept in contact with xBIL. He was my brother for 11 years, play golf with my H, is a great Uncle to my kids and is a friend on Facebook. I hope he will always be a part of our lives, because he is a wonderful, kind generous man who didnt deserve the plate of $hit my sister served up. But now, my sister is shacked up with AP. They are making a real go of it. And whilst they have behaved appallingly, they seem to be happy and well suited. OM (who was also married) is a genuinely nice guy, but I'm not sure Ill ever really forgive their behaviour. But its not a concern to them. They are happy and my sister is completely unremorseful (I do believe the OM is in his own way) So, go back 2 months ago, sister has announced they are pregnant. This will be tough news on my xBIL as he really wanted to have a baby with my sister but she was never ready . When they split, my sister was 32 and he was 41. The prospect of him starting over at his age shattered him. He will be sad at this news. He will find out - most likely through Facebook. I am excited my sister is having a baby. I hope all parties have moved on, but I am cautious about posting how excited I am for them as xBIL is still my friend on there. The OM called his XW last week to give her the heads up on his news as a courtesy so she didnt hear along a grapevine. She didn't care as she is engaged to someone else and moved on. My sister will not call her xH because she doesn't give 2 craps about him now - she has moved on. So, my question - Should I find a way to break this news gently to him, or just stay out of it and wait for him to see on Facebook? He is still my friend. And if I tell him - whats the gentlest way to go about this??? Thanks for letting me crash your board.Cheers
SoleMate Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I would tell him, gently in a low-key way, and then give him a chance to vent or just have space. 3
96nole Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I would tell him, gently in a low-key way, and then give him a chance to vent or just have space. Tell him yourself. And don't mention how excited you are for the baby. This is going to hurt him. He wanted to have a family with your sister, but she wasn't ready. Now she is going to have a baby with the man she was cheating on him with. 1
harrybrown Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Maybe after you tell him, you could set him up with someone that would be good for him to date. (after he is over this huge hurt) 1
BetrayedH Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I'm with the other posters. While you're not the optimum person to tell him, it's better than him finding out in a less kind way. Sadly, revealing affairs and the like is rarely done by the person that should be doing the telling; it often falls on someone with compassion and common decency. In this case, it's you. 1
road Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 There is no need for you to mention anything about your sisters pregnancy on FB. Your XBIL should not be looking at his XWW's FB page. He should be NC with his XWW to prevent himself hearing such painful news. He knows his XW will be having sex. He knows that his XW dumps or is dumped by the OM she will find a new guy to bang. Eventually XBIL knows the odds are his XWW will get pregnant one day.
road Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 When did you find out your sister was having an affair on your XBIL?
dichotomy Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I hope he will always be a part of our lives, because he is a wonderful, kind generous man who didnt deserve the plate of $hit my sister served up. BThey are happy and my sister is completely unremorseful (I do believe the OM is in his own way) First off - if he is that special and close to your family - and uncle to your kids, then yes you should gently tell him. If he is upset you could offer some comfort. I get the having kids late in life after a divorce. Its a tough place to be. But on the points above - If he is a kind generous man - how in the world can your sister and OM not have ANY remorse? How can you balance having him in your families life - and now OM and baby on the way. This I suspect will change your dynamics with your sister and her ex going forward. Have you ever had heart to heart your sister ? Why is she so cruel?
Criticality Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 There is no need for you to mention anything about your sisters pregnancy on FB. Your XBIL should not be looking at his XWW's FB page. He should be NC with his XWW to prevent himself hearing such painful news. He knows his XW will be having sex. He knows that his XW dumps or is dumped by the OM she will find a new guy to bang. Eventually XBIL knows the odds are his XWW will get pregnant one day. I don't think the scenario is that he snoops on her FB page, its more likely he hears something from someone, goes to FB to see what's up, sees OPs heartfelt congratulations and blows a gasket. And afterwards calls OP, and tells her she's a prick for knowing about it, and congratulating the sister, and not filling her kids uncle in on the whole thing. OP will say "but I didn't want to hurt your feelings! And you can't say you didn't see it coming!" And they'll both be right. The real villain will obviously be OPs sister, who probably couldn't care less, that her sister is getting the blame for her own selfishly ****ty ways. OP: Its your sisters job to tell him. Since she won't, you'll have to pick up the slack, and make sure that at least this part of their sordid history has a touch of decency. Tell him. 1
Author ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 There is no need for you to mention anything about your sisters pregnancy on FB. Your XBIL should not be looking at his XWW's FB page. He should be NC with his XWW to prevent himself hearing such painful news. He knows his XW will be having sex. He knows that his XW dumps or is dumped by the OM she will find a new guy to bang. Eventually XBIL knows the odds are his XWW will get pregnant one day. My sister has already announced on FB last week...with mutual acquaintances and the nature of FB, its only a matter of time. XBIL HAS COMPLETELY blocked my sister. He can comment on my posts and whenever sees it. She only discovered today that we have maintained a relationship with him the whole time, when I told her. Her head would explode if she found out that my H, BIL and XBIL still regularly golf together, but she lost the right to know about his activities in our eyes.
Author ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 When did you find out your sister was having an affair on your XBIL? I found out on DDay. My sister called me in hysterics saying her H had accused her of having an affair and boxed up all her personal stuff, put it on the back step and kicked her out. She claimed she was innocent, asked me to go over and talk to him. I got dragged into the middle of the drama. Turns out H saw her car parked all night at OM's house. That, along with a week of PI tailing her plus 18 months of phone records was enough. Her goose was cooked. Turns out OM wife had walked in on them many months earlier, but kept that to herself and just booted her H out. I've never been more embarrassed for my sister's actions. But given Dad did this to Mum, I shouldn't be surprised. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree I'm afraid.
Author ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Wouldn't surprise me if he knows already. Me neither, but I want to do the right thing by him.
Author ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 But on the points above - If he is a kind generous man - how in the world can your sister and OM not have ANY remorse? How can you balance having him in your families life - and now OM and baby on the way. This I suspect will change your dynamics with your sister and her ex going forward. Have you ever had heart to heart your sister ? Why is she so cruel? In short? She is one of the most selfish people I know, right down to her bones. And a pathological liar. She feels like she is owed something. Her marriage was pretty much in the toilet, but the way she ended it was selfish and ruthless. I've had many talks with her. She lived with me when they separated. She left as soon as she could because she was uncomfortable with me making her accountable for her actions. She has told me more truth about the situation that anyone else, but even I have not really heard all of it. I know she's full of it. BUT she is still my sister. 1
Just a Guy Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Hi TJHIR, What a sad sad story. Sometimes one wonders how devilish people get away with everything and live the good life while the Good Guys(and Gals) end up in misery. You do have an obligation as a friend and as a courtesy to some one who was a part of your family and is now reduced to just a friend to inform him of the developments as gently and kindly as you can. It will be a good samaritan act. Cheers!
Criticality Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 In short? She is one of the most selfish people I know, right down to her bones. And a pathological liar. She feels like she is owed something. Her marriage was pretty much in the toilet, but the way she ended it was selfish and ruthless. BUT she is still my sister. OP, sounds like you're as awesome of a person as your sister is selfish. You know what to do here...
Author ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 OP, sounds like you're as awesome of a person as your sister is selfish. You know what to do here... Nice of you to say, but I didn't feel awesome back then, and delivering this news will suck too. My H has offered to take him out for a round of golf and break the news, but given he confided in me and cried with me in the days following the break, he may feel less pressure to put on a facade with me?? 1
Cali408 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 My initial instinct is to tell you to stay out of it. It's her business, not yours. If he blocked her from Facebook, he's trying to move on without her. You telling him will rub salt in the healing process. Let him find out for himself. If he asks, "why didn't you tell me?" Just say because Cali said not to But seriously, tell him that you're sensitive toward his plight and didn't want to hurt him. It's not your place really.
serial muse Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Nice of you to say, but I didn't feel awesome back then, and delivering this news will suck too. My H has offered to take him out for a round of golf and break the news, but given he confided in me and cried with me in the days following the break, he may feel less pressure to put on a facade with me?? Or maybe that buffer will help. I don't know how far along he is in his healing, but it could be that this will help him move forward. It's tough news, but honestly, it sounds like he's well out of that relationship - and perhaps it's just as well that there's no child to get caught up in the turmoil. And 41 isn't too old to start over!!
ComingInHot Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Hey there Very difficult stitch, I agree. I was thinking, your BIL (ex) is close w/your H right? Maybe to subtract that close degree of separation that is you the sister of his exwife, ask your H to have a sit down w/him and let him know. Like man to man and all... What do you & LS posters think??
RightThere Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 And if I tell him - whats the gentlest way to go about this??? Between you and him over some beers. 1
road Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I don't think the scenario is that he snoops on her FB page, its more likely he hears something from someone, goes to FB to see what's up, sees OPs heartfelt congratulations and blows a gasket. There is no reason for the SIL to acknowledge the XWW being knocked up by the OM on FB. The SIL can support and congratulate the XWW all she wants in person, by phone, by mailing a card. Thus being she is worried about hurting her BIL feelings she will not of hurt them.
ComingInHot Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Coolit & I vote to Have your H do it over golf or after** 1
road Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 My sister has already announced on FB last week...with mutual acquaintances and the nature of FB, its only a matter of time. XBIL HAS COMPLETELY blocked my sister. This means your XBIL wants NC with the XWW. You have no right to force news upon your XBIL about his XWW. His healing is based on him never hearing from or about his XWW. There is now way your XBIL will feel better hearing that the OM has knocked up his XWW. Whether from you, your husband. Hell their is no one that the XBIL wants to hear about his XWW from. Your XBIL knows that his XWW as other XWW's move on, have another marriage or two, and most likely knows that their XWW will get knocked up along the way one or two times more. XBIL knowing the odds where his XWW's life is headed does not have to hear what his XWW is really doing.
Author ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Thanks all for the advice the other day. X BIL came around for lunch today under the guise of meeting his new neice. I tried to approach the subject of sisters/XWW pregnancy, but just as I thought, he saw it on facebook 2 weeks ago, already knew and has dealt with it. He has the 180 going in full effect, lost over 25 kg and is looking good. We shared some notes about D-Day, evidence and dear sisters lies (for the first time since about a week after DDay)...2 years later and my sister is still a pathalogical liar *sigh*. Oh well...onwards and upwards. Just glad he is still a part of our life. 5
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