Married Men Magnet?

[Dreamworld]

Initially when the marrieds were approaching me I wanted to believe it was all innocent and friendly with no other undertones. I did notice that they didn't seem to be singling me out within our common interest groups and that they were very friendly with the other females as well.

 

But what I found odd was the similarities in which they operated. First they would friend me on social media. No problem, I have a lot of guy friends on there and they were also mutual friends with the other females in the groups.

 

They weren't open with the fact that they were married. None wore rings or ever talked about their wives. There was one that I had no idea was married until I did some searching on social media, he had it very well hidden. Then they would start to private message me. First about specific event details. Ok, not a problem, however, that could have been asked in public. Then they would try to get more chatty with me. That's where I stopped replying and just ignored them.

 

I don't think I was misreading it all, and I would consult with my girl friends and they agreed it was creepy. They flat out asked me to text them something or wanted my phone number. They wanted to meet up and run/bike just the two of us. One messaged me one day that he was paddle boarding near my house and wanted me to come and meet up with him. I never replied to any of these messages but they still tried to engage me in these messages.

 

An innocent coffee is one thing and fine, but when they want to pay for it and give me hugs goodbye then it seemed to become about something else.

 

Seriously I could have written this myself! Same here with the social media, the vagueness concerning their wives and families (I had to be the one asking them or trying to bring the conversation back to their wives) the whole social group stuff then next they would keep trying to do one on one meetings. I know people may differ on this but I just find one on one meetings with the opposite sex inappropriate when you are married but they kept wanting to get me alone. I don't think I was misreading either, I have enough experience to know when they are crossing the line. They start flirting and talk with sexual undertones or ask about what I think about flings and so on.

 

I totally get GotIt's differing persona at work but the work guy was just one example. Most of these were outside of work for me too and I am friendly but definitely more private at work, I don't get personally involved with my co workers either.

 

If I may provide another example I had a male friend, not work related who I knew from when I was married and he was single at the time. We were totally fine with our boundaries and my ex knew him and all. Then I got divorced and then later on he got married. I was invited to the wedding and everything. With new married men I meet I never do even one on one coffee (this definitely cuz of my past) but since he was an old friend I totally figured a brief coffee during lunch break would be fine. Then he wanted another coffee not soon after. I was like uh ok but still gave him the benefit of the doubt. But then during the second coffee he got a call from his wife and what bothered me was he was very vague to her about who he was with. not cool at all. Then at the end he was a little too touchy feely and it made me extremely uncomfortable. (And no I was not misinterpreting things)He was a newlywed for God's sake. So there I left feeling low and a few hours later he texts lets do dinner next time. I didnt reply and now we have just drifted because my gut was giving me warning signals.

[Dreamworld]

Last thing I would like to add is I meet as many single guys as I do the married ones. Sometimes in the same social groups. None of them express interest, unless they know I am ok with a very casual relationship, which I really am ok with. But they usually assume first I am not into casual dating and its not like I can start every conversation off with "I am ok with casual dating really I am" It is like they are more cautious when they are single then they get married and then hit on everyone.

 

I will just stick to my boundaries and try to stay optimistic. Thanks for the lively discussion!

[harrybrown]

Have you tried meeting single men at a single activity at a church?

[Got it]

Seriously I could have written this myself! Same here with the social media, the vagueness concerning their wives and families (I had to be the one asking them or trying to bring the conversation back to their wives) the whole social group stuff then next they would keep trying to do one on one meetings. I know people may differ on this but I just find one on one meetings with the opposite sex inappropriate when you are married but they kept wanting to get me alone. I don't think I was misreading either, I have enough experience to know when they are crossing the line. They start flirting and talk with sexual undertones or ask about what I think about flings and so on.

 

I totally get GotIt's differing persona at work but the work guy was just one example. Most of these were outside of work for me too and I am friendly but definitely more private at work, I don't get personally involved with my co workers either.

 

If I may provide another example I had a male friend, not work related who I knew from when I was married and he was single at the time. We were totally fine with our boundaries and my ex knew him and all. Then I got divorced and then later on he got married. I was invited to the wedding and everything. With new married men I meet I never do even one on one coffee (this definitely cuz of my past) but since he was an old friend I totally figured a brief coffee during lunch break would be fine. Then he wanted another coffee not soon after. I was like uh ok but still gave him the benefit of the doubt. But then during the second coffee he got a call from his wife and what bothered me was he was very vague to her about who he was with. not cool at all. Then at the end he was a little too touchy feely and it made me extremely uncomfortable. (And no I was not misinterpreting things)He was a newlywed for God's sake. So there I left feeling low and a few hours later he texts lets do dinner next time. I didnt reply and now we have just drifted because my gut was giving me warning signals.

 

So why on earth did you not say anything directly with him? Maybe you are clear and upfront on your boundaries. People are going to push boundaries all the time. You see it with animals and people are no different. It is about enforcing them in this type of situation, to bullies, etc. So why didn't you question him exactly why he wasn't direct with his wife if you are a friend of his? If he was too touchy why wouldn't you address that directly? And why would that make you feel low? Do you think it was because you didn't stand up for yourself and actually actively enforce your boundaries instead of trying to avoid?

 

Guys are very direct. Be direct back. I have guy friends that have made overtures, I shot them down direct, lay out the law, and we go from there. If it is a pattern then I decide if I want to cut bait. This is the same for female friends that abuse my lines as well. It is a give and take with relationships, any relationships, but bottomline I need to be my own best advocate.

 

I am not a victim or a passive body in these interactions so if a behavior is exhibited that I don't like I will address it. This may be contributing to these issues you are having and the more upfront and vocal you are about these behaviors they more you make clear where you stand on this.

 

Yes men in general will make overtures. It is amazing how the raised eyebrow and crickets into an uncomfortable silence can be effective. If not a follow up, "I don't appreciate/agree/interested, please stop" will shoot down any behavior.

 

Stop being passive agressive, stop avoiding and if you have an issue then address with the person. I think your friend example is a prime example of that.

[Dreamworld]

So why on earth did you not say anything directly with him? Maybe you are clear and upfront on your boundaries. People are going to push boundaries all the time. You see it with animals and people are no different. It is about enforcing them in this type of situation, to bullies, etc. So why didn't you question him exactly why he wasn't direct with his wife if you are a friend of his? If he was too touchy why wouldn't you address that directly? And why would that make you feel low? Do you think it was because you didn't stand up for yourself and actually actively enforce your boundaries instead of trying to avoid?

 

Guys are very direct. Be direct back. I have guy friends that have made overtures, I shot them down direct, lay out the law, and we go from there. If it is a pattern then I decide if I want to cut bait. This is the same for female friends that abuse my lines as well. It is a give and take with relationships, any relationships, but bottomline I need to be my own best advocate.

 

I am not a victim or a passive body in these interactions so if a behavior is exhibited that I don't like I will address it. This may be contributing to these issues you are having and the more upfront and vocal you are about these behaviors they more you make clear where you stand on this.

 

Yes men in general will make overtures. It is amazing how the raised eyebrow and crickets into an uncomfortable silence can be effective. If not a follow up, "I don't appreciate/agree/interested, please stop" will shoot down any behavior.

 

Stop being passive agressive, stop avoiding and if you have an issue then address with the person. I think your friend example is a prime example of that.

 

Hey Got It, though fortunately the friend and I are not in touch anymore, you have a point. I am good with being direct with new people I meet who act inappropriately but yeah guess I could have been more brisk with the friend. I can see this from a lot more angles now. Thanks again.

[Dreamworld]

Have you tried meeting single men at a single activity at a church?

 

Yup. But I will stay optimistic and try other things, and enjoy making new friends in the meantime. Thanks!