nocontactstartstoday Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 (edited) Long story short went through her phone recently and found some pretty dirty text with a guy when we first started talking about 5 months ago. I confronted her with it and she broke up with me. I went 3 days no contact with her, she tried to reach out about getting her stuff I just dropped it all on her doorstep then she said she wanted to explain everything so we sat down and she cried and said she never meant to hurt me that she felt all hope was lost for us because I didn't respond blah blah I said hope isn't lost and put the power right in her court. I tried reaching out for 3 days and guess what....got nothing. WTF right?? Anyway we got together 2 times last week. The first was she was mad I had been seen at the bars by her friends, and how could I blah blah so I smoothed that over and the next night I brought her flowers and a card and she hugged me and I was saying don't give up on us yet blah blah we both got all mushy. Texted back and forth over the weekend. And today we meet up at the dog park we talk for a while and she says, "do you want to hear what I think" sure go ahead hurt me some more. She says there are "things we both need to work on before we consider getting back together, she wants to see my changes and for me to see hers so she wants to keep in contact and go do things together, not a total friend zone position. She wants to be friends right now, but the opportunity to work it out is there." Had I have been smart I would have just walked away but being the nice guy I said "yeah that will work" she said "I want to call you and talk with you and do things I don't want you out of my life" blah blah should have walked away. Anyway so after the meeting up tonight I was like well she wants to be in my life I'll give the opportunity so I said "hey Friday new movie coming out if you want to go to it"......now I'm saying F that BS. Is it to late to start no contact? I figured if I got what she is wanting from me to be friends one text afterwards is not to late for no contact no matter if I agreed in person. If I start no contact now what message does it send her since I've put an offer to meet again on the table? Or do I politely say listen we can't be friends I love you to much to disrespect my feelings by covering them up with friends so I'm gonna have to walk away. What is the best option to get her to start coming to me and making some effort? Edited October 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Apparently you don't have the stomach to go slow and see where it takes you. In that case go NC. But I think you'll be ruining a perfectly good opportunity here... If you want her, go with the flow, make sure it's a flow so progressive. But don't push it because you can't handle it.
Assasda Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 You cannot go back on your word and be No contact. You already agreed. As a man you have to be congruent. - Be Aloof around her, dont put any pressure on her, andreally treat her like a friend, seriously just treat her like a friend - Be selfish and dont think about her needs too much. - Go out on dates with other girls (since she wants to be your friend), but still have her back and be her friend
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 (edited) Look, she is upset because she is having a hard time moving on from you, but the point is that she DOES want to move on. If she really didnt, then she wouldnt have. People dont leave and then say "the opportunity is out there to work on it." People who REALLY want a relationship with someone doesnt say that. They ACTUALLY work on it because they dont want that person to go anywhere. She is saying the easy things to you that will let you down gently and make her not feel like the bad guy. She is saying "I care about you, but I want you around just in case what I ACTUALLY want doesnt work out. Are you cool with this?" It sucks man, but that is exactly what is going on. My advice is to go no contact with this. Its not too late. Dont tell her "I'm going no contact" just do it. If she ask to hang out, just say you're busy and not talk to her. Slowly, just dont talk to her at all. You need to heal from this. Best of luck Edited October 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author nocontactstartstoday Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Confused....Would it be a better idea just to say exactly what you wrote to her and say im walking away. Just to make the point known and for her to know I wont get dragged along? I agree Assasda but to some point if there was hope she would work on these things together with me not seperate and friends me. ColdAlone. She is the one who broke up with me, I dont have the stomach to standby and watch her start dating another guy but I have the stomach to straight tell her off and walk away. She has been making all the decisions when it comes to replying to me or seeing me and what needs to be worked on and all she said feelings wise was she still loved me so much....if you did why not work on this together.
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Confused....Would it be a better idea just to say exactly what you wrote to her and say im walking away. Just to make the point known and for her to know I wont get dragged along? I agree Assasda but to some point if there was hope she would work on these things together with me not seperate and friends me. ColdAlone. She is the one who broke up with me, I dont have the stomach to standby and watch her start dating another guy but I have the stomach to straight tell her off and walk away. She has been making all the decisions when it comes to replying to me or seeing me and what needs to be worked on and all she said feelings wise was she still loved me so much....if you did why not work on this together. Well, if what she said is really what she said why not take her word for it. She said if both works on things and see eachothers changes it'll work out ? If you want love, you'll have to respond with love. But ye it takes some guts to see it through. As long as there's no one else, why not try it ?
Author nocontactstartstoday Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Well, if what she said is really what she said why not take her word for it. She said if both works on things and see eachothers changes it'll work out ? If you want love, you'll have to respond with love. But ye it takes some guts to see it through. As long as there's no one else, why not try it ? How do I know there isnt she said she wasnt gonna go looking for someone but my point is that if she wanted to be with me it would have been lets try this again and work on things but she said she cant just throw her heart out right back after this.
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 How do I know there isnt she said she wasnt gonna go looking for someone but my point is that if she wanted to be with me it would have been lets try this again and work on things but she said she cant just throw her heart out right back after this. Unfortunately the heart doesn't work that way. And obviously you can't have this on your terms. I would say listen closely to what she said, word for word. Don't think you know what she sais or interpret. Because trust me, I know it happens that when emotions get the best of you, you don't actually hear what the other person sais. If you want her, you will have to keep her as close as you can without wanting her. Be yourself, the guy she fell for. Let her initiate things, don't expect. Be playfull. It really is hard but she doesn't want to 'get back', she wants to go forward. And it could still be with you.
Chi townD Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Okay, let me break it down for you. You are going to be her emotional crutch. You'll give her the ego boost when she needs it, the shoulder to cry on and her cheering section. But! Don't think for a minute that she isn't on the prowl for the next guy. See; right now, she doesn't have anything set up. But as soon as she finds someone else to fill the role that I described above, you and your "friendship" are tossed to the curb. You'll get the "my new boyfriend doesn't like the fact that we talk so much, so we're going to have to cool it." And then you're history. She's gonna use you to get the emotional support that she needs and all you're going to get is a lot of false hope and heartache.
Author nocontactstartstoday Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Unfortunately the heart doesn't work that way. And obviously you can't have this on your terms. I would say listen closely to what she said, word for word. Don't think you know what she sais or interpret. Because trust me, I know it happens that when emotions get the best of you, you don't actually hear what the other person sais. If you want her, you will have to keep her as close as you can without wanting her. Be yourself, the guy she fell for. Let her initiate things, don't expect. Be playfull. It really is hard but she doesn't want to 'get back', she wants to go forward. And it could still be with you. Then why in the world agree not to give up on me and then hit me with the whole friends for now crap and be so bothered when I didnt accept it very well
Author nocontactstartstoday Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Okay, let me break it down for you. You are going to be her emotional crutch. You'll give her the ego boost when she needs it, the shoulder to cry on and her cheering section. But! Don't think for a minute that she isn't on the prowl for the next guy. See; right now, she doesn't have anything set up. But as soon as she finds someone else to fill the role that I described above, you and your "friendship" are tossed to the curb. You'll get the "my new boyfriend doesn't like the fact that we talk so much, so we're going to have to cool it." And then you're history. She's gonna use you to get the emotional support that she needs and all you're going to get is a lot of false hope and heartache. So your saying start no contact and dont be what she is wanting
OnlyHonesty Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 You can still walk away. At the moment, she knows she can treat you as she wishes, make demands and control you without fear of you walking away. I see this behaviour a lot from guys and I never used to understand why until I was in a similar situation. I walked but it was one of the hardest things to do and after that, I appreciated how some men could end up remaining with a woman who didn't deserve them or that they should have left. Stay with her and you will potentially damage the remaining self esteem, self respect, masculinity and confidence that you posses. You shouldn't have been snooping and she shouldn't have been messing around. However, she still was the one who was dipping her toe into a different pond and she has made it seem like your fault that the pond is visible.
Author nocontactstartstoday Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 You can still walk away. At the moment, she knows she can treat you as she wishes, make demands and control you without fear of you walking away. I see this behaviour a lot from guys and I never used to understand why until I was in a similar situation. I walked but it was one of the hardest things to do and after that, I appreciated how some men could end up remaining with a woman who didn't deserve them or that they should have left. Stay with her and you will potentially damage the remaining self esteem, self respect, masculinity and confidence that you posses. You shouldn't have been snooping and she shouldn't have been messing around. However, she still was the one who was dipping her toe into a different pond and she has made it seem like your fault that the pond is visible. So again. No more contact with her will show her im not avaliable for her to treat me in this way even though I have already reached out last night I can still create no contact and that will tell her im not ok with this. So by walking away I give the fear of oh crap is he gone.
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Disclaimer: No Contact is not to send a message to her. It's for you to move on... So again I still say if you love her you gotta work for it. This NC thing is being taken way over the top here IMO.
OnlyHonesty Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Disclaimer: No Contact is not to send a message to her. It's for you to move on... So again I still say if you love her you gotta work for it. This NC thing is being taken way over the top here IMO. So she has been talking dirty to another guy but he has to work for it?
Chi townD Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Here's an analogy for you to consider. Look at the relationship as a job. Well, you just got fired. She basically said that your services as a boyfriend is no longer required. Now, your old job called you back stating, "Hey, I know we let you go but, if you want to come in and pull some hours for free, we wouldn't say no to it." Now, do you go back to an old job and work for free? HELL NO!! You dust off that resume and get yourself a new job! This is the deal. She made the choice to have you out of her life. That's the choice she made for herself. You had no say in that. Now, you're giving her exactly what she asked for, you to be gone. You are not her friend! I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her for the end result is that you're nothing more than a really "good friend" to her. Okay, I would start NC with her. If she throws out anymore texts, then I would just text her, "Look, I can't be friends with you right now because I still have romantic feelings for you. And that's not being fair to you or me. I think it's best that we just move on with our lives." Then, done! Go dark! Hard NC. If she sends anything else and you don't respond, she'll know why.
OnlyHonesty Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 So again. No more contact with her will show her im not avaliable for her to treat me in this way even though I have already reached out last night I can still create no contact and that will tell her im not ok with this. So by walking away I give the fear of oh crap is he gone. No contact is for yourself, not her. I went no contact because I knew that continuing contact with the person was bad for me and would lead nowhere. Everyone has different opinions about this but ultimately, only you can and will decide. I believe decisions such as this are dependent on self esteem, self respect, tolerance, trust, emotions etc. 2
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 So she has been talking dirty to another guy but he has to work for it? 5 months ago, when they started out. At least that's the way I read it. No clue right before, right after...
Author nocontactstartstoday Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Ok well ive got some advice from my sister and pretty much ive heard this whole time about what she wants and her wishes and it is time that I get my chance to ask her some questions about this decision since ive had time to sleep on it so im going to call her leave a voice message and explain that as adults and for respect with each other I have some questions since last nights conversation and tell her about things that I can do and cant do. Like I cant be her friend for these reasons but I can understand pumping the brakes on a relationship and just dating and see how it goes and if she doesnt or cant do what I need then walk away from it and make my no contact about healing myself. Good idea?
Author nocontactstartstoday Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Also in august he texted her again saying he was rubbing one out to a picture she had sent him in june and she replied with "your welcome I hope everything comes out good for you;)" so it was not just in the beginning there was that contact in august. Which was out of line in my opinion.
JDPT Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Also in august he texted her again saying he was rubbing one out to a picture she had sent him in june and she replied with "your welcome I hope everything comes out good for you;)" so it was not just in the beginning there was that contact in august. Which was out of line in my opinion. And even with this you are still contemplating the thought of working things out? And allowing her to tell you that YOU need to work on things? I think you have officially become her mop and she has all the intentions to keep you as such, please don't dilute yourself or become indifferent to your current situation.
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Also in august he texted her again saying he was rubbing one out to a picture she had sent him in june and she replied with "your welcome I hope everything comes out good for you;)" so it was not just in the beginning there was that contact in august. Which was out of line in my opinion. Ye in that case... RUN!
Author nocontactstartstoday Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 You dont feel like I should at least voice my opinion in this matter so I can walk away knowing I said what I needed to?
OnlyHonesty Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Also in august he texted her again saying he was rubbing one out to a picture she had sent him in june and she replied with "your welcome I hope everything comes out good for you;)" so it was not just in the beginning there was that contact in august. Which was out of line in my opinion. This bit of extra information would be the last nail in the coffin for me. She has showed she doesn't appreicate you or take what you have seriously in any way, there is a lack of loyalty on an emotional / sexual level and many would consider that a form of emotional cheating. You dont feel like I should at least voice my opinion in this matter so I can walk away knowing I said what I needed to? If voicing your opinion means expressing, in an adult and calm way, your disgust, betrayal and disapointment before saying goodbye for good then I agree. Everyone is different and many have higher thresholds of tolerance. I believe if you were to give this another chance, it would be ingrained in her mind that she could walk all over you, do what ever she wants to and not worry about loyalty because there would be no consequence for her actions. She would also have less respect for you too. Reverse the situation. If she was completely loyal to you and committed and then one day she found out that you had been sending dirty texts to another woman and one mentioned the woman masturbating to a naked / sexual pic you had sent to her, I wonder if she would be so understanding. Of course, this is just my opinion and relates to what I would and wouldn't put up with, your mileage may vary. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 You dont feel like I should at least voice my opinion in this matter so I can walk away knowing I said what I needed to? No, because she won't give two sh*ts either way and you'll just make yourself look desperate and clingy. Silence is a much more effective form of getting your point across than "telling her off". Trust me on this.
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