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Having a hard time getting over an ex of 3-years who still contacts me everyday

Summer Lovin

By Summer Lovin
in Second Chances

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Summer Lovin Established Member

Summer Lovin

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I need to get over my ex, and I am having a hard time doing so. I'm 26-years old, and I would've married him - I wanted to and still do. I did end up moving in with him after I thought we had been in a relationship for 3-years, and it didn't even last 3-months of living together before he demanded that I leave. He's 28-years old and is in the medical field. I loved him so much and felt like I invested a lot in him, and yet I feel he just strung me along for 3-years. I would get angry a lot, but it was mostly feeling hurt in response to some of his actions, such as flirting with other women, messaging women online, etc. He just wasn't committed to me to the extent that I thought he was. At the same time, he really led me to believe that he was. We even went and looked at engagement rings together, I met all of his family and friends and would spend holidays together, he told me that he wanted to marry me too and that he wanted me to move in with him. Then I would get angry the second I found out he was messaging women online and going on dates with them when I didn't know about it.

 

After he kicked me out of his place, I relocated and got a new job. He continues to contact me everyday. He just sent me a text telling me that he has the engagement ring picked out and he knows he'll marry me. At the same time, he says that he can't "be" with me right now, but he knows we'll get back together after I am nicer to him.

 

He came to visit where I'm at but I didn't let him stay with me, he stayed with friends, and he did actually come pick me up and invite me over to dinner at his friend's place. All of this confuses me because at the same time, I am pretty sure he's dating other women too even though he says he isn't.

 

After 3+ years and not being able to know if I'm who he wants 100% this seems to be ridiculous and I know I need to move on. I'm not sure why he can't commit to me if he wants to be with me so badly, but the bottom line is he doesn't want to commit and thus we aren't moving forward together. I ask him if we're together, he says we'll get back together "someday" and we'll get married "someday" but I don't feel us working at building a life together at all. I'm just having a really hard time letting go of the relationship because I love him, and I get hopeful that we will be together, but at the same time I recognize that there's no point in dragging something out. I would be with him in a second, but he won't "be" with me yet continues to contact me all of the time. Whenever I do talk to him I feel angry and hurt.

 

Advice??

Omei Established Member

Omei

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Stop talking to him stop being his maybe girl, you're his back up for when he's older and he hasn't found someone he loves more hell settle for you, good plan too bad you're not gonna go along with it right?

ColdAlone Established Member

ColdAlone

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Ye, forget about this one. It's not going to happen. Tell him you want this to stop, wait for his reaction. You might want to wait a few weeks for the reaction if you think he deserves the 'wake up call'.

 

After that, just NC.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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Block him after telling him not to communicate any further.

 

You are never going to move forward if you ALLOW him to keep stringing you along.

 

His arrangement is so you don't date others - meanwhile he's dating other women.

 

It's cruel and mean- what he's doing - prolonging your pain so he gets his ego strokes.

 

That's the kind of guy to completely ignore forever.

burningashes Established Member

burningashes

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It's tough, I know but you really need to think about your own emotional well being. I was in the same situation with my ex because I was with him for so long and tried to hang around after our break up thinking I could keep trying to convince him to commit to me again. Well, three years later, I was still nowhere after a string of failed relatiionships and my ex was still nowhere to be seen after a bunch of promises that he wasn't ready, that he'd commit one day.

 

Don't make the same mistake I made- don't wait for him. If he wanted to be with you, he would find a way. But he's not with you now, and probably not ever. I have no doubt my ex wasn't going to commit to me again on his own.. it's why I said no to his proposal after I left for good and went NC. I knew he was just saying that because I finally left... not because he loved me. You really don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

So think about it, it's obviously not doing you any good having him in your life as friends or otherwise. It'll be tough going NC but you can do it!

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Summer Lovin Established Member

Summer Lovin

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I guess I don't understand why he still calls me all of the time and says he loves me. Why doesn't he just be with me when he says he does? I know that he does love me because he still says it and still calls me all of the time. He said that he just didn't feel appreciated when we were together and he needs me to show him my appreciation more. He said that he thought that if he stood up for himself and ended the relationship it'd teach me that I really wanted to be with him. However, we haven't "been" together now for months I'm wondering how long this is going to continue. I also don't feel him really doing his part. He continues to buy me things.

 

I also just feel a bit sad and lost without him. I also feel like I've missed the marriage boat. I'm 26-years old now, and I just haven't met anyone that I feel remotely romantically interested in. It seems like people that get married meet a person they want to grow and spend their life with at younger age. Most of my friends are married off or at least have been in serious relationships for years now. I just feel a bit lost and confused.

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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I guess I don't understand why he still calls me all of the time and says he loves me. Why doesn't he just be with me when he says he does? I know that he does love me because he still says it and still calls me all of the time. He said that he just didn't feel appreciated when we were together and he needs me to show him my appreciation more. He said that he thought that if he stood up for himself and ended the relationship it'd teach me that I really wanted to be with him. However, we haven't "been" together now for months I'm wondering how long this is going to continue. I also don't feel him really doing his part. He continues to buy me things.

 

I also just feel a bit sad and lost without him. I also feel like I've missed the marriage boat. I'm 26-years old now, and I just haven't met anyone that I feel remotely romantically interested in. It seems like people that get married meet a person they want to grow and spend their life with at younger age. Most of my friends are married off or at least have been in serious relationships for years now. I just feel a bit lost and confused.

 

You are a safety net, a sure thing, a backup plan. He probably does like you as a person but there's no reason for him to commit to you because he can have you how he wants you without making that step. As for the marriage thing, 26 is young as hell. And the reason you haven't been in serious relationships is because you don't have the backbone to cut this guy off and see what the world has to offer. This dumb thing you have with your ex is preventing you from living your life fully. You really need to break it off and stop being so co-dependent and clingy.

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2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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I guess I don't understand why he still calls me all of the time and says he loves me. Why doesn't he just be with me when he says he does? I know that he does love me because he still says it and still calls me all of the time. He said that he just didn't feel appreciated when we were together and he needs me to show him my appreciation more. He said that he thought that if he stood up for himself and ended the relationship it'd teach me that I really wanted to be with him. However, we haven't "been" together now for months I'm wondering how long this is going to continue. I also don't feel him really doing his part. He continues to buy me things.

 

I also just feel a bit sad and lost without him. I also feel like I've missed the marriage boat. I'm 26-years old now, and I just haven't met anyone that I feel remotely romantically interested in. It seems like people that get married meet a person they want to grow and spend their life with at younger age. Most of my friends are married off or at least have been in serious relationships for years now. I just feel a bit lost and confused.

 

It's manipulation on his part - it's his way of making sure you don't spend time and energy meeting a NEW man.

 

DUMP HIM! What he's doing is selfish, cruel and mean!

 

He doesn't want you - but he's making sure no one else gets you. That's terrible! Stop allowing him to call you!!!

antonio1149 Established Member

antonio1149

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I think this is one of the extreme stories I've read on here. My opinion: you should cut him off completely and stay far, far away.

 

I guess I don't understand why he still calls me all of the time and says he loves me. Why doesn't he just be with me when he says he does? I know that he does love me because he still says it and still calls me all of the time.

 

Talk is cheap. My ex did something similar; while we were friends after our breakup, she told me she loved me at the same time she was sleeping with everyone within a 100-yard radius who had a penis. She never suggested that she give up her fun activities and re-focus on working on our relationship. At one point she suggested we get back together, but in an "open" relationship. All of this made me feel like she was not ready for prime time. It sounds like your ex has a similar problem.

 

He said that he just didn't feel appreciated when we were together and he needs me to show him my appreciation more.
"You don't appreciate me enough, so my way of dealing with it is to cheat on you, or string you along while I flirt with other women." I don't think so.

 

I also just feel a bit sad and lost without him. I also feel like I've missed the marriage boat. I'm 26-years old now, and I just haven't met anyone that I feel remotely romantically interested in.
You're way, way too young to be thinking that way. Most people don't fully mature until they're at least 30--there are rare exceptions. And I've heard many complaints from women in their 30's who say guys their age still aren't really in "settling down" mode. I have female friends who married in their early/mid-20's who now feel they "married too young" and no longer feel they made the best choice. At 26, you're still growing and changing and may find yourself to be a different person a few years from now. You have plenty of time.
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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Believe it or not, this is not an uncommon scenario. My ex and I had also been together for 3 years. He actually had the engagement ring. He broke up with me and contacted me 6 hours later, saying he still loves me and wishes it could work. So round and round it goes. He just isn't sure, he wants to keep the ring, he really wants it to work, maybe it can work in the future. . . . BS I tell you. When I asked for NC, he made it out like I was trying to kill any hope of us being together. I was so floored that he turned it around on me like that.

 

Here is how you deal with someone who cannot commit. You go NC immediately. Cut them off completely. They are the worst of the worst as far as exes go in my opinion. My ex broke up with me, and I was forced to ask for NC. How is that fair? How is it fair that I had to make that choice when I was already so emotionally broken?

 

I'm at 6 months post breakup, and I am just now making the choice to remove all hope from my situation. It's just unfair what he is doing to you. He's kicking you when you are down. He knows you love him, so he knows you are so emotionally messed up that you will follow any trail of crumbs that he throws out. A true commitment phobe is someone who can neither commit to the relationship nor commit leave. I didn't think commitment phobes existed until my recent ex. Rest assured, it is a real thing.

 

You are going to have to be the strong on here. It's not fair, and it isn't right. But you will have to be the one to leave and surrender all hope. He will never let you go. It's up to you. You can go NC and shut the door. Then, you can slam it in his face when he keeps coming back. It's going to take a lot of resolve, but you must do this. Be glad you only wasted 3 years. I know people who have wasted longer.

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Summer Lovin Established Member

Summer Lovin

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Thanks everyone for all of the replies! I definitely agree that it needs to go to no contact. It seems a bit ridiculous to drag it out for so long especially at our ages. On a positive note, I no longer live with him nor in the same city as him. So I am going to move forward. However, I just don't understand what changed.

 

The first 6-months that we were together he was head over heels it seemed. He took me to visit my family and was moving very fast. He had asked me to move in with him but I wanted to wait a little while. At one time he said he wanted to go on a little break because he didn't feel like he was being fair to me. He wanted to take a "pause" button but at the same time nothing really changed. I was still going to visit him frequently and we were still acting like we were together. I guess he just liked not having a relationship title there.

 

As much as I love him, I know that I can't wait around for him to decide that I'm worth it. Life is too short. He provides excuse after excuse as to why he can't be with me right now but is willing to be later yet strings it along by contacting me all the time and buying me gifts. Obviously I'm not enough for him. I guess I wanted more than he did. At the same time he says that he would be furious if I met someone else. I recognize how unfair he's being, but I don't understand why he has to complicate things by just not committing to one direction. To me, it just wastes time. Also, this is his fourth relationship and so I'm not sure what he's really looking for in a potential partner. Most of his relationships have ended pretty badly.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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I read a book about emotionally unavailable people, and I think you might be dealing with that here. There's a website that helped me called Baggage Reclaim. It helped me alleviate a lot if guilt where I thought it was my fault. I finally realized that my ex would always have some excuse, and if had nothing to do with me. Your ex just sounds so much like mine. I hate to label people because in the end, the result is the same. But I do feel like my ex was emotionally unavailable to some extent.

Edited by BC1980
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Summer Lovin Established Member

Summer Lovin

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I'm pretty sure he is going to get a new girlfriend soon as I know that he's looking. As for me, I don't feel ready merely because I still feel hung up on him. I can't go from having a 3-year relationship and living together to a new one. I need some time to heal, and he's already happily pursuing out other women. I think he's been doing this even while I was living with him. I can't imagine ever hurting someone the way he has hurt me. I know I need to be the bigger/stronger person but I'm having trouble doing so. I can't help but feel bitter/resentful and I'm trying my hardest to move forward.

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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I'm pretty sure he is going to get a new girlfriend soon as I know that he's looking. As for me, I don't feel ready merely because I still feel hung up on him. I can't go from having a 3-year relationship and living together to a new one. I need some time to heal, and he's already happily pursuing out other women. I think he's been doing this even while I was living with him. I can't imagine ever hurting someone the way he has hurt me. I know I need to be the bigger/stronger person but I'm having trouble doing so.

Actually, once you decide to move on, you don't have to be the bigger, stronger, or anything-er person compared with him because you won't be comparing yourself with him any more. The whole point of moving on is to break those connections to him, to look forward, and to stop doing anything that has you comparing yourself with him, trying to influence what he thinks, or how he sees you, or anything like that. You may think it feels like loss at first, but eventually it becomes freedom.

 

You get to be the person that you want do be, and you don't have to live up to or compare with him.

 

The other think I wanted to point out is: even if he said tomorrow: "OK, I'm ready, and here's the ring; let's move forward..." After what you've seen of him, can you really trust that he's going to be fully involved in a relationship and there for you in the way that you want your partner to be?

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