JDPT Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Hello guys, A bit of background. I was with someone for just a bit over 4 yeas. She is a divorcee with kids I am divorced with no kids, she being 9 years older than me. I've had my share of relationships where I thought I was in love but with her (ex) I knew and felt what love truly meant. Our relationship is beyond complex and I'll spare you the details. At the beginning of the relationship we couldn't keep away from each other. We used to take days off work just to be with each other, either having sex or just spending time together. As years went by we started to see each other once a week and whenever she didn't have the kids. I surprisingly was fine with that for roughly 3 years. Fast forward to roughly 6 months ago, I mad the mistake of not speaking to her after a "fight" for roughly 3 weeks. I didn't contact her during that time and neither did she. After those three weeks were up I contacted her in hopes of claiming what I though was still mine but to my surprise she sent me an email wisin me "the best in this world" and essentially told me we were finnished. In these 6 months I managed to do a lot for myself. I'm back to work, school, working out regularly, eating healthy and seeing my therapist. I refuse to date ask am not ready and basically learned the hard way. I've been doing good for a few months but for the past 2 weeks I just don't know what the heck is going on with me. I'm starting to feel the anxiety I felt during this first months and the pain that I have not felt in such a log time appears to be draining the life out of me all over again. I'm pursuing a masters which at times my current emotional state makes it extemelly challenging for me to focus. The last thing I want is for this break up to affect my performance in school. It almost feels as if I need to get back to the fundamentals and start from the bottom but I also believe that I've been through the worst yet losing the positive momentum and spark I had just a few weeks ago. It doesn't help the fact that I had a few drinks last week and perhaps that is my problem. I just need to get to get to the bottom of this and continue to make progres as I have been.
barky2 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 When the anxiety acts up go for a walk. Get out of the house. Pick up the phone and call someone. Do something! The longer you sit there and let it fester the worse off it'll get. Don't you see how it comes in waves,then you'll be fine? You have to find some kind of release when the bad times hit jdpt. I honestly just used to get mad, I'm sure you've seen me say that maybe times. I'd get heated. It's all apart of the process man. We've all been thru it. Once again, find that one thing you can do to dull out the wave of anxiety. Barky 3
Vinsanity1307 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Did you just basically write my story down? ..in reference to some of it anyways (9 YEARS older, has kids, me no kids...)... how old are you and how many kids?...Anyways your further along than I am man... There has still been no good long periods of time for me. Are you reminiscing? As for your anxiety tightness/heaviness in the chest? kinda like a burn sensation? The thoughts of my ex with the new guy have been creeping in for me and this brings on the symptoms I ve listed. You sound like your life is headed in the write direction so thats a positive...Seems like barky knows whats going on... Just wanted to say I feel you man..
Author JDPT Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Last week was beyond challenging for me. I just couldn't get her out of my mind. I used everything I learned to no avail. I'm starting to think that my anxiety and stress originate from school. I put so much pressure on myself and feel that I need to do exceptionally well. A few weeks ago I studied for 10 hours straight which is something I've never done, it's almost as if I'm becoming obsessed with school. And now I find it so hard to concentrate. I'm substituting my obsession and pain from my break up with obsession with school. At first it worked as motivation but now is creating so much anxiety leading me to ruminate about my ex and all our "amazing" moments. I understand this is not a healthy way to cope. But school at one point was my outlet that's unfortunately no longer working.
BC1980 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Last week was beyond challenging for me. I just couldn't get her out of my mind. I used everything I learned to no avail. I'm starting to think that my anxiety and stress originate from school. I put so much pressure on myself and feel that I need to do exceptionally well. A few weeks ago I studied for 10 hours straight which is something I've never done, it's almost as if I'm becoming obsessed with school. And now I find it so hard to concentrate. I'm substituting my obsession and pain from my break up with obsession with school. At first it worked as motivation but now is creating so much anxiety leading me to ruminate about my ex and all our "amazing" moments. I understand this is not a healthy way to cope. But school at one point was my outlet that's unfortunately no longer working. I was caught in a similar cycle last week. I just kept on ruminating on our good times. It was certainly awful and felt like I was back at week 1 of the breakup. I was having legit anxiety, and I have never felt anxiety like that in my life. It was a physical reaction, just a sick feeling in my chest. I made it through though. I got out and made myself be around people. It's an awful thing we have to go through. No way around it except through it.
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I think you and I are facing similar challenges. Lived through several RS's, but faced something new with the latest. Caught totally off guard and struggling with recovery. Good one minute/day/week, bad the next. WTF?? 2
forgetmenot75 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Anxiety comes and goes. think of it as something that'll pass. Every time you start feeling uneasy, think: this is temporary. Each day I'll feel better. Six months is a considerable amount of time. It's great you're pursuing your master's degree. You should focus on that. Every time you think about her, you're losing time, you're losing YOUR time. 1
forgetmenot75 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I'd like to add one thing. If anxiety arises after 6 months strict no contact, my guess is it might not be related to your ex, but to some unresolved issues you might have. Try to think what's scarring you, and why are you feeling this way. It might be a good idea you do some counseling.
BC1980 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I think you and I are facing similar challenges. Lived through several RS's, but faced something new with the latest. Caught totally off guard and struggling with recovery. Good one minute/day/week, bad the next. WTF?? I feel the same way. My other relationships weren't nearly as difficult to get over. I was so caught off guard with this one ending. I mean, it wasn't perfect by any means, but I just never expected it to end the way it did. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde almost. It makes me question the entire relationship and what he wasn't telling me. I think these are the worst because there isn't any clear cut answer as to why they left, and we didn't see it coming. As a dumpee, it leaves you with a lot of unanswered questions, and it's hard to put the pieces back together. I know how futile it is to keep wondering WHY, but it's just so hard not to. We just need to really make a decision to let it f*cking go. All the reasons don't matter anymore, and only we can make the decision to leave it in the past. 1
Haydn Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Finish your masters! Its worth it! I loved life when i was a student, for obvious reasons. Do it! I wish i was a student again, happy days. Lots of new people. Take care. Haydn Mathias Hello guys, A bit of background. I was with someone for just a bit over 4 yeas. She is a divorcee with kids I am divorced with no kids, she being 9 years older than me. I've had my share of relationships where I thought I was in love but with her (ex) I knew and felt what love truly meant. Our relationship is beyond complex and I'll spare you the details. At the beginning of the relationship we couldn't keep away from each other. We used to take days off work just to be with each other, either having sex or just spending time together. As years went by we started to see each other once a week and whenever she didn't have the kids. I surprisingly was fine with that for roughly 3 years. Fast forward to roughly 6 months ago, I mad the mistake of not speaking to her after a "fight" for roughly 3 weeks. I didn't contact her during that time and neither did she. After those three weeks were up I contacted her in hopes of claiming what I though was still mine but to my surprise she sent me an email wisin me "the best in this world" and essentially told me we were finnished. In these 6 months I managed to do a lot for myself. I'm back to work, school, working out regularly, eating healthy and seeing my therapist. I refuse to date ask am not ready and basically learned the hard way. I've been doing good for a few months but for the past 2 weeks I just don't know what the heck is going on with me. I'm starting to feel the anxiety I felt during this first months and the pain that I have not felt in such a log time appears to be draining the life out of me all over again. I'm pursuing a masters which at times my current emotional state makes it extemelly challenging for me to focus. The last thing I want is for this break up to affect my performance in school. It almost feels as if I need to get back to the fundamentals and start from the bottom but I also believe that I've been through the worst yet losing the positive momentum and spark I had just a few weeks ago. It doesn't help the fact that I had a few drinks last week and perhaps that is my problem. I just need to get to get to the bottom of this and continue to make progres as I have been.
Author JDPT Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Anxiety comes and goes. think of it as something that'll pass. Every time you start feeling uneasy, think: this is temporary. Each day I'll feel better. Six months is a considerable amount of time. It's great you're pursuing your master's degree. You should focus on that. Every time you think about her, you're losing time, you're losing YOUR time. It's very comforting just to hear it, "this is temporary. Each day I'll feel better." Thank you for that. With regards to any other underlying issues, those I'm sorting out with my therapist which is taking longer than expected. I believe this anxiety mostly originates from my break up and school. I put so much emphasizes in my performance in school that I end up making myself crazy about it which then ultimately leads to my mind wondering about my ex. I need to pace myself and know that I'm in this for the long run.
Author JDPT Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 I was caught in a similar cycle last week. I just kept on ruminating on our good times. It was certainly awful and felt like I was back at week 1 of the breakup. I was having legit anxiety, and I have never felt anxiety like that in my life. It was a physical reaction, just a sick feeling in my chest. I made it through though. I got out and made myself be around people. It's an awful thing we have to go through. No way around it except through it. That's exactly how I felt all last week and yesterday. It felt like day one all over again, all I kept thinking was "wtf I've been through this already what's going on!?" Yesterday I was sitting in class and an inadvertent thought of my ex flooded my mind and within the same second I felt as if I couldn't breath my mind went blank all at the same time. Not a cool feeling at all. I've never suffered from anxiety either, this is all new to me. I get pissed because I immediately think "because of you I'm going through all this sh it!" but then again, I can't cry over spilled milk I need to come up with solutions to better myself and pave my own way.
Author JDPT Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 I think you and I are facing similar challenges. Lived through several RS's, but faced something new with the latest. Caught totally off guard and struggling with recovery. Good one minute/day/week, bad the next. WTF?? Completely off guard and unexpected. I thought this time was forever, I honestly thought I was going to grow old with this woman. But hey it's life and things happen and I'll eventually realize that things do happen for a reason. I wish I was either dealing with school solely or the break up but dealing with both simultaneously is certainly a challenge. However, I will prove to myself that I will succeed regardless of so much opposition.
Author JDPT Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Finish your masters! Its worth it! I loved life when i was a student, for obvious reasons. Do it! I wish i was a student again, happy days. Lots of new people. Take care. Haydn Mathias Working extra hard trust me. Although it is extremely challenging to deal with the breakup and school simultaneously, I will not allow it to affect me in school. I couldn't get much done all last week, it was a bad week for me, so I need to make up for it starting today. I need to get back to business and focus on things that actually matter.
Author JDPT Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Did you just basically write my story down? ..in reference to some of it anyways (9 YEARS older, has kids, me no kids...)... how old are you and how many kids?...Anyways your further along than I am man... There has still been no good long periods of time for me. Are you reminiscing? As for your anxiety tightness/heaviness in the chest? kinda like a burn sensation? The thoughts of my ex with the new guy have been creeping in for me and this brings on the symptoms I ve listed. You sound like your life is headed in the write direction so thats a positive...Seems like barky knows whats going on... Just wanted to say I feel you man.. I am 31 she is 40 with 4 kids. I feel your pain man, all I can really say is that we need to keep pushing until we finally get there.
ponchsox Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Working extra hard trust me. Although it is extremely challenging to deal with the breakup and school simultaneously, I will not allow it to affect me in school. I couldn't get much done all last week, it was a bad week for me, so I need to make up for it starting today. I need to get back to business and focus on things that actually matter. I finally gave myself a Mike Ditka pep talk today and told myself "enough is enough!" Stop pouting about crap that happened in the past, it's a waste of time, and start doing the best job you can in work and in life."
Author JDPT Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 I finally gave myself a Mike Ditka pep talk today and told myself "enough is enough!" Stop pouting about crap that happened in the past, it's a waste of time, and start doing the best job you can in work and in life." Funny you mention that. Lately I've been telling myself "enough is enough cut the sh it already!" Time really flew by for me. I feel calm today, thinking more about myself and my future. The two most important objectives at this point in my life are school and my recovery and I will come out victorious on both.
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Look at it like this: When life is going well, it's easy to be positive, happy and all that. But, when life presents you with some challenges is when you really are able to see/show what you are made of. Life will knock you down from time to time, but it's how you handle it that is important. All of us on here are developing so much more strength and resolve for having to suffer through this. We are strong. We are capable of overcoming adversity. That's friggen awesome 1
Trick1004 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 It's been five months and I was in a similar spot last week where I just couldn't get the ex out of my head after really not thinking about her for several weeks. I eventually started getting pissed and said f'off to those thoughts. It helps me to remember that it's a process, and at least for me these feelings are nowhere near as intense or happen as much now compared to when they would come flooding in during the first couple months after the bu. Trick 2
Author JDPT Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Look at it like this: When life is going well, it's easy to be positive, happy and all that. But, when life presents you with some challenges is when you really are able to see/show what you are made of. Life will knock you down from time to time, but it's how you handle it that is important. All of us on here are developing so much more strength and resolve for having to suffer through this. We are strong. We are capable of overcoming adversity. That's friggen awesome Absolutely, challenges in life are perfect opportunities for growth. We must take advantage of these opportunities. When is good is great and when it's ad it's a nightmare. This will teach us that we can overcome any adversity in life. I can breath better today.
Author JDPT Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 It's been five months and I was in a similar spot last week where I just couldn't get the ex out of my head after really not thinking about her for several weeks. I eventually started getting pissed and said f'off to those thoughts. It helps me to remember that it's a process, and at least for me these feelings are nowhere near as intense or happen as much now compared to when they would come flooding in during the first couple months after the bu. Trick Everything overall has subsided substantially, I'm thankful for that. I forgot that this is a process indeed and that I will have my ups and downs and to stay up float in times of distress. 1
Haydn Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 JDPT. You sorted me out yesterday. Lets keep going. It hurts so much but lets do this. Thanks mate. Haydn
Author JDPT Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 JDPT. You sorted me out yesterday. Lets keep going. It hurts so much but lets do this. Thanks mate. Haydn We all have so much in common, including the excruciating pain that we thought would never subside. The emotional roller coaster ride is certainly a challenge but we need to hang on to dear life and simply ride it out. No pain no gain type of mentality. We have already evolved so much and learned from our short coming, let's keep going no need to stop.
Mario79 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 (edited) I feel for you. I am in the same position, also 6 months, and was fine for the first 4 until I think it sunk in that she wasnt coming back, and after a fail attempt at getting back I hit a wall, I have been having anxiety attacks and I feel she is always there in my head. I think my triggers come from songs, places we were in, it triggers a happy memory and then rest of the stuff comes along and then the thought that she is not coming back, its over just becomes unbearable and then anxiety. If you get it like me, sometimes you want to think about her. But what has worked for me is talking to someone. I also hope they go away with time. Not that I expect them to just dissapear without any effort though. Getting your masters would be a kick ass way to show you are still moving forward. Edited October 24, 2013 by Mario79
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