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breaking "No Contact"... what damage does it cause?

completelydevastated

By completelydevastated
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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completelydevastated Member

completelydevastated

Posted
Posted

I was dumped out of a 6 year relationship with the "one" on Tuesday morning. We were engaged for the past 2 years while she's in college. I'm 25 & she's 21... I've gone into "no contact mode", I have INCREDIBLE urges to call her, text message her, email her, etc. She hasn't contacted me... what damage would I cause if I break NC?

 

BTW - I know she still loves me... but I'm the only thing she's ever known (only guy she's ever dated). I'm her first love. Am I doomed? Will I get her back or not?

 

The last few months have been pretty hard on us both. Here's what's been going on:

 

- She's really busy with school

- Some of her close friends are "guy crazy" & flirty

- A new guy is showing interest in her while we were in engaged (she said his feelings are confusing her)

- I haven't been able to see her much (cuz she's busy with school)

- next week is finals week (preparing is consuming a lot of her time)

- I just bought a house & have been talking a lot about the wedding & honeymoon

- her mom teases her about having twins with me

- I've been getting jealous of other guys & where her time goes

 

Is she just stressed out? Are her hormones getting the best of her? Or am I losing her?

 

I LOVE this young woman & I really want her back!!! Thank you so much for any advice!!

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

Posted
Posted

Dude, I'm in the same boat. I was the dumper though, not the dumpee.

 

Here's what I have found is likely to happen with NO CONTACT:

 

1. She realizes she screwed up and comes back (no time limit on this really, just hold out)

2. She never comes back, you heal and move on.

 

It's really a win/win situation in that if you hold out until SHE makes contact, then you two can SLOWLY reconcile (don't jump right back into it).

 

If she doesn't come back, you'll will be healed up and ready to move on.

 

As for the damage, you will show her that you are in her power. I'd avoid contact if possible. Heck, I know I have to break the rule but briefly.

 

Good luck.

theone44 Established Member

theone44

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by completelydevastated

I was dumped out of a 6 year relationship with the "one" on Tuesday morning. We were engaged for the past 2 years while she's in college. I'm 25 & she's 21... I've gone into "no contact mode", I have INCREDIBLE urges to call her, text message her, email her, etc. She hasn't contacted me... what damage would I cause if I break NC?

 

BTW - I know she still loves me... but I'm the only thing she's ever known (only guy she's ever dated). I'm her first love. Am I doomed? Will I get her back or not?

 

The last few months have been pretty hard on us both. Here's what's been going on:

 

- She's really busy with school

- Some of her close friends are "guy crazy" & flirty

- A new guy is showing interest in her while we were in engaged (she said his feelings are confusing her)

- I haven't been able to see her much (cuz she's busy with school)

- next week is finals week (preparing is consuming a lot of her time)

- I just bought a house & have been talking a lot about the wedding & honeymoon

- her mom teases her about having twins with me

- I've been getting jealous of other guys & where her time goes

 

Is she just stressed out? Are her hormones getting the best of her? Or am I losing her?

 

I LOVE this young woman & I really want her back!!! Thank you so much for any advice!!

 

 

 

 

 

Man, once a woman leave you.. the relationship is basically over,anything after that,because a cat and mouse game. I guess you know what i mean.

konfused Member

konfused

Posted
Posted

Don't do it. It only hurts more. Especially if she broke up with you. I know you want her back bad. I did too. Do you know the only thing worse than getting dumped? Getting dumped twice. Talk about feeling bad. Go, run, hide. Don't let your heart make decisions that your mind can't deal with. Life goes on. Trust in the Lord and you can't go wrong.

 

Whether or not it is clear to you, the world is unfolding as it should.

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completelydevastated Member

completelydevastated

Posted
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Posted

Thanks for the replies, everybody... Keep them coming (I'm really struggling to avoid calling her & I need the encouragement for NC). It's been close to a week already & I haven't heard a thing from her.

 

I've been dwelling on this WAY more than what's healthy, but it's just so tough. I have been starting to do things for myself, which I suppose is a start.

 

I really do think that we could get back together & have things work out. Our love is really deep for one another. I know what things I contributed to that led to the broken engagement... man, I feel horrible for the way I acted & the things I said.

 

I'm hoping & praying to change my attitude & get a second chance... :(

beejsea2 Established Member

beejsea2

Posted
Posted

Stick with the NC. Keep a journal and every time you have the desire to contact her write in the journal...everything how you're feeling why you wanted to contact her etc...It helps me from emailing my ex...

 

Give her the space if that's what she needs...but calling and pursuing her will just push her away!

mischafan160 Member

mischafan160

Posted
Posted

What helped me, when I had a lot of pent up feelings toward my ex, was to write him this long angry letter of everything I needed to say to him, and of course never sent it. But just writing it all out helped me understand what happened so much more, and made it easier to move on (a little!) Try it and see if it helps you...you might find that once you find closure yourself, you don't feel the need to talk to her that much anymore. Good luck, stay strong!

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completelydevastated Member

completelydevastated

Posted
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It's now been exacty a week... still haven't heard from her... Do you think she'll call me at all? We did get very close over 6 years (I'd hate to think that she could just walk away from it all).

 

She has finals all this week & I know that's really important to her. So, I don't expect to hear from her this week at all. She'll go on a month long Christmas break, starting this Friday. Maybe then she'll have time to miss me?

 

I realized last night that I don't NEED her... but I do WANT to be with her. A week ago, I would've said I needed her.

 

Man, I really took things for granted... she really was my best friend. I'm really hoping that we'll be able to talk soon. I don't want to talk about the relationship with her... I just want to make each other happy again.

 

Looking back, I do think we still have a chance... Is it wrong to have hope like this?

Lil Honey

Lil Honey

Posted
Posted

Completely Devastated:

 

You have known each other for six years? That means that she was 15 and you were 19 when you met. That hasn't given either of you much time to "see the world" and do things on your own, as an individuals.

 

She might feel that she needs some independence before getting married. It's better that the two of you do the things that you want to do before getting married, because once married, it's hard to fit the fun stuff in. There always seem to be jobs, bills, babies, responsibilities, etc., after marriage. I'm not saying marriage is a bad thing, I'm just saying that she may feel the need to spread her wings and learn more about herself.

 

"- A new guy is showing interest in her while we were in engaged (she said his feelings are confusing her)" Actually, I think HER feelings are confusing her. If she knew what she wanted, I think she would brush off the guy who is showing interest in her.

 

"- I just bought a house & have been talking a lot about the wedding & honeymoon" This might be what YOU want. She may have reconsidered and now the thought is making her anxious. It might be simply too much all at once, or it was no longer what she wanted and couldn't tell you until now.

 

"what damage would I cause if I break NC?" When you contact someone, it is another opportunity to hurt more and again. You contact her and she doesn't respond or she "dumps" you again. How will you feel? I have felt like a fool, stupid, sad, hurt, confused. Believe me, contacting her won't help. I think - and this is just my opinion - that you should let her concentrate on school and do some thinking while she is on vacation.

 

"Is it wrong to have hope like this?" Hope isn't "wrong." Your feelings aren't wrong. There are different stages people go through when a loved one leaves, just like when someone dies. You could do a search and find these. At least you could better understand what is going on inside you.

 

Hugs,

LH

bebop Established Member

bebop

Posted
Posted

Definitely write things out from time to time. Do not ever send them. Throw away, or delete, when the timing is appropriate for you.

Right now I have a complex situation without answers or any clarity at all. As everyone does, I'm passing through and hopskotching around all the feelings that come with sudden breakups. I'm somewhat in the angry stage at the moment. I write it out. I swear at him. I blow up and blow out, rant and rave and flail around, on paper.

Then it is thrown away. I can't tell you how beneficial, therapeutic, and releasing it is to do this.

 

It sounds to me as if you were both very young to start and maintain such a long exclusive relationship, too young. Usually this leads to one partner realizing they haven't "seen the world", so to speak.

 

Best of luck to you - you are in good company on these boards, for sure.

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

Posted
Posted

Don't break NC. It worked for me, it will work for you.

 

My G/F has finals all this week too so I know I probably won't hear from her, but that doesn't mean I don't think she'll call me after. She will.

 

Think of it this way, if she does call you win. If she doesn't, you're one step closer to being healed and moving on.

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completelydevastated Member

completelydevastated

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Don't break NC. It worked for me, it will work for you.

 

How long do you think it'll take for her to call me? A few weeks?? Months?? Sorry, I'm just dying to hear from her... I'm being as strong as I can be through this.

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by completelydevastated

How long do you think it'll take for her to call me? A few weeks?? Months?? Sorry, I'm just dying to hear from her... I'm being as strong as I can be through this.

 

Well, I can not say for certain. No one can. Until the impact hits her that you are "moving on" without her, until she realizes she may lose you - AND CARES - she will not call.

 

It could take six months. Please, I know it's hard. It was hard on me too. But several good things have come of it.

 

#1: I learned to be less dependent on her. In other words, I miss her but I have learned that "craving" her is not a good thing.

#2: I learned I can walk away, it just takes time.

#3: I learned that breaking NC first is VERY, very bad. You are trying to prove you can go on without them. At any point you make first contact, you have proven you can not.

#4: Nobody wants what they can have. If you make it so they can have you all the time, they won't want you. You don't lust after a car you own, it's the one you can't own you always think about.

#5: If she never calls you again, every day you go with NC is a day closer to healing completely.

#6: If she does call, don't sound desperate. As much as you don't want to, let her know you're fine and don't automatically agree to see her right away. If she emails, don't email her back right away. If she calls, take a day to call her back. You need to PROVE to her that you can live without her before she can learn to appreciate you.

 

Again, I did learn that "crushing" someone with my feelings was not the right way to go about it. Her mom used this analogy and I thought it was great.

 

"If you're fishing and drop the bait right on the fish's head it will ignore the bait. But, if you always keep it slightly out of reach, they'll chase it like crazy."

 

Such is the same with love. If you smother her with love, she won't want it. But if you just give her bits and pieces of bait, you'll keep her interested in you. And in the end, that's what you want. I'm like you in that I am very loving and giving of myself but have had to learn that, much like medicine, even my love must be "time elapsed" or it will not "work"

GreenCap

GreenCap

Posted
Posted

Take this for all that is worth. I was dumped two and half months ago (dated 3 years and lived together 2 years) and went through peaks and valleys of wanting to contact and not contacting. Everytime I succumbed to my emotions, I felt twice as worse before. As previously indicated, once she leaves you, she won't come back, although I know deep in your heart (like me) you wish that she wakes up one day and realized that she made a mistake. This only happens in the movies and rarely in real life. Like you, I am trying to move on but finding it harder than I realize.

 

Then today, she emailed me to tell me to stop bothering her as "I had found a new start and want to move on with my life." This is what breaking no contact does - it sucks you into deeper and uglier situations which make you want to die and feel like crap. Here we are struggling to find meaning in life and trying to understand what happened, what could I have done differently, etc. but "the love of your life" has already moved and enjoying herself with some other bloke or gal (depending on your situation). And here we are the stupid ones still stuck on square one as the world passes us by. Understand that as I am writing this, I am telling/consoling myself for in our company of pain, anguish and sorrow, we find the strength and the belief that the sun will shine once more! Take heart dude!

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