I became the crazy x and its a horrible breakup

[jana564]

I seriously need help and would really appreciate male opinions

Me and my man are of different cultures and religions. We met and were perfectly together for two years in euroupe. I met his family and he met mine and all seemed perfect, he was the most gentle and caring man. It all went crazy after his mom visited us... this time she was uncomfortable with me and I felt it. We had also passed a month of stress due to my studies and his mom came after the same day I submitted.

 

So we spent 4 days together his mom him and me and I leave for my vacation while he stays and was stressed for he submits after me. In these days I couldn't connect with the mom, and he felt it and talked to me about it apologizing for her behavior, blocking me out like that, so after that I leave he puts me on the train kissing my forehead and telling me not to be Sad its one month and we will spend the rest of our life together. Three days after that he calls crying and dumps me. After the break up we talked by messages he said really reasons that were not valid... and the more I thought the more I went crazy. I called he picked up the first three times then he stopped answering. I would call again and again and flood his phone with messages and nothing.

 

After that, I travel back to him, from the first day I saw him I crashed begging him to talk and telling him its not okay what happened and he wanted to jump out of the window to avoid talking. I wouldn't let him I stayed there as he slept just looking at him. I made him coffee and woke him up and he was rude. I felt bad and tried to fix it... I saw him in normal ways for three days like taking him food to university and bumping into him and we would have lunch. He seemed happy but I was dying. I cracked another time after he made me swear not to talk and I locked him in my house so he wouldn't run. I talked and talked and he just started to punch the walls and the door and say he hates me.

 

He went to his house and I followed him. Kept ringing the bell until it burned and texting him and his fat mate until they saw me and I talked about why all of this is very hard on me for the flatmate is also my friend but he took my xs side coz for him I shouldn't even try to talk to my x. I didn't see them for about one week and then I passed by and I could here them talk so I rang and went up... I sat and my x was very choked and went to bed... I fought abit with the flatmate coz he took sides and went to talk to my x... he was upset that I woke him and said he needed to wake up early. I got very persistent on talking so he dragged me in the house, slapped me, told me he hates me... and called the cops! I went down with the cops but tried to talk to him from his window but I fell in the attempt and broke my leg!

 

All this happened in two weeks..I saw him the final time with his mother and the flatmate... he stared at me and I went by... I didn't recognize his mom so I came back to wish him a happy birthday and say goodbye for it was my final day. I had to ask him three times in front of his mother until he*agreed.

 

I sent him a message telling him I got week and reminded him of the surprise I did for his birthday last year. Told him my ways were bad but his reactions were worse and that I would have loved him all my life. This LST message was two days ago.

I hate how he became... such a wall I cannot break through... he was amazing for two years... he never even raised his voice at me if we fought... he adored me and said it ever chance he got and always said be couldn't wait for us to spend or lives together... he is e kind of man that I can wake up to get me a glass of water at 5 am now I bother him just by existing!

 

The reason are not valid for me because my parents disagreed before but i took a stand and they loved him after they saw how happy i was with him. And for the stress thing,, stood by him fof three month as he nagged about failing his year and helped him to find something else and went to him to reassure him that wherever he decides to be I will be there...

 

Can anyone explain to me how he would change in almost two month to a person full of hate for me... okay my ways were bad but I got scared for this visit was my last visit to Europe. Now I am back home and I will never see him again... and he blames me for everything and he said I am a sick person... can it seriously be this way!?

 

I did nothing wrong except love him! Will nc rule or any other thing help me in getting any dignity back? Does he feel anything or just relief that I left? Our memories and travels break me... has he really wiped them out? Will I always be a crazy person for him that wouldn't stop or will he at some point miss me???

Edited October 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zahara]

First of all, he should have never slapped you. Physical abuse is never condoned or right.

 

Secondly, your behavior is out of control. Flooding him with calls and text messages. Traveling there and forcing him to talk to you till he wanted to jump out of the window, locking him in his home, following him home and ringing the doorbell till it "burned", had to call the police to cart you away, etc. Insanity!

 

If someone chooses to shut down, you have to let them. There is nothing you can do to force a discussion. They are ignoring you for a reason. If he respected and loved you enough, he would have granted you a conversation. Instead, you just couldn't let go and you went psychotic on him. No person is going to want to deal with that sort of behavior, no matter how much they love you or don't. I don't think he sees you in a positive light anymore. The best thing you could have done was disappear and let him come to you. You would have shown strength, instead you showed him psycho. I hate to be harsh.

 

I suggest you figure out why you react this way, whether it's your fear of abandonment, or if you have other deep seated issues.

 

And people can change, whether a two year relationship or a twenty year marriage. Feelings and people can change. I have a feeling he was checking out long before he ended it with you.

 

Please stay NC.

Edited October 22, 2013 by Zahara

[jana564]

Thank you for replying... no it's not harsh... I know it was insane... all I thought of was that it was two weeks and I will never see him again.. plus I tried this much because I never expected he would react this way... he was not checking out I would have felt it... he was all about our future plans... our next steps... and what we were supposed to do... he spoke of marriage often and was always very kind. I was scared to disappear because I was scared he would think I didn't love him enough to fight for him (he expressed that often) I am shocked by my behavior and his... of course I will stay nc things are already horrible and keep the little of what is left of my dignity.. I was just wondering if he feels anything... at least bad for what we reached... I went crazy but I didn't get there alone... his actions really chocked me and I always would think maybe this time I can reach him... he just became an emotionless wall... I just felt that I deserved an explanation after two years living with him... and I left once before... he came to me after I said I didn't want to talk and we did talk I didn't behave this way... I thought I was doing the same but the minute I open my mouth about us he starts to run!

[aybc123]

I agree with Zahara on some points and disagree on others.

 

First your relationship with him is truly over and you need to never contact him again in order to move on, but you will, and you will be happy again.

 

Second, do not blame yourself entirely for the way you reacted, yes you should have exercised some more restraint and you acted in a very crazy way, blowing up someones phone with messages and telling them you hate them is fairly expected if someone pulls this kind of stunt but locking him in rooms and breaking into his house etc, not cool, learn from this. But frankly your ex treated you horrendously if your story is entirely true. Telling someone that you want to spend your life with them and kissing them goodbye and then ending it with them 3 days later over the phone and failing to provide adequate reasoning or discourse between the two of you after two years is a terrible way to act and any human being would feel similarly to how you did, however, most people would have exercised more restraint which is what you should have done.

 

Some people will tell you that your ex has every right to do whatever he wants and handle the breakup in whatever way he wants, and they're right, he does. However, exercising his right to treat you in the manner he did initially makes him a fairly terrible person in my eyes, or at the very least a coward.

 

But then it seems like he broke up with you because his family/ mother disapproved which is in itself a weak and cowardly thing to do. Honestly would you really want to live the rest of your life with a man who lacks that much of a backbone to treat someone they loved well during a breakup and who brokeup with a person they loved just because their family disapproved? I certainly wouldn't.

Edited October 22, 2013 by aybc123

[Zahara]

Jana, when dumpers are checking out, most times you cannot tell. You read about it here often, whereby they're talking about how much they love you only to get dumped the next day. And yes, they will talk about future plans, marriage, etc. only to end it. In some way, dumpers are also struggling within themselves, in some form of denial waffling between ending it and working it out.

 

It's one thing to fight for him, by maybe calling him and leaving him a message about how you feel or sending him an email pouring your heart out and leaving it be, but what you did crossed all lines. He broke up with you. It wasn't your responsibility to show him how much you love him. It was his and he was showing you he wasn't feeling the same way by dumping you. You can only do so much to make someone acknowledge you, if they choose not to, you hold on to your dignity and walk away. You cannot FORCE someone to act with dignity and do right by you when they are showing you consistently that they can't. He was consistently silent, and the more you pound on someone like that, the more they retreat. In his mind, he wants to be silent and you can't change that by holding him hostage.

 

Yes, you deserved an explanation. But after drowning him with messages, his silence should have been your answer. Instead you stalked him and hunted him down and literally tied him to a chair! I can't speak as to how he feels but I can tell you, he doesn't see you in a positive light. Guys don't respect women that act this way. And you can't say he made you react this way because you are in control of how you behave.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks anymore. It's time you focus on healing and accepting that the bridge is burned. If anything, it will be up to him to contact you as to what capacity he wants you in his life, and it would then be your choice to decide if you want it.

Edited October 22, 2013 by Zahara

[geegee81]

Im sorry ((((Big Hugs)))

[theothersully]

Do not feel bad. It happens to all of us sometimes. My wife of 10 years (12 year relationship) did the same as your boyfriend. Exactly the same. I over reacted too... well, maybe not, but I sure did go to find her hundreds of miles away and blew up phones and whatnot. Some could call it crazy, others could call it trying to save a marriage.

 

Not all of us do well when one day we are told of marriage, stability and life until old age, then the next day you get a text or call to end it. Mine had diagnosed borderline personality disorder... so more understandable, but still, not easy.

 

Time to move on and do not get a guy like that ever again. You will know what to look out for in time...

[jana564]

The thing is that I got confused. When he broke up with me he said he couldn't choose between me and his family. I hung up saying appearantly you already did chose. I did not contact him for two days then I called about my things and our common account and we talked again and said that no his mom is okay she just reminded him of how his life is in his country which also was stupid for me because I visited him there and I fit in perfectly fine,then he said my stress but he knows I was in an abnormal situation with a problem in my experiment and I put up with his stress too. I then after two days broke down and called crying saying that I did that exact stands for him. I asked him to go back and talk for three days he said it would be harder. So I went to my country for a month. During the month in was not like calling every day. I called about four times but when he wouldnt answer i would call again the same day and send alot of messages and he still wouldn't pick up. Then after that I would post pics having fun and wouldn't contact him and he would send me a message about studies and we end up talking and I end up crying. Then I went there not just for him I had my final presentation... although I wanted everyday to go and see him...and I tried many days to go out and have fun but whenever I met a new guy I felt like I was cheating on him... and his room mate knows all of these. Then the three break downs happened. but in between them also we would bump into each other and he grab somehing to eat and all is okay as long as I don't talk about us... and by the way I am new to this I am trying to learn how to write and answer oh and cope

Edited October 22, 2013 by jana564

[Zahara]

Jana, I understand it's hard for you. I understand how you feel when someone shuts down. I've been through it myself. I understand when they exhibit avoidance and only want to deal with you on their terms and if at any point you choose to want more, you get shut down. I've been there. It's uncomfortable and it can be extremely frustrating. You reacted out of fear and panic. It's done. There is no need to regurgitate what happened.

 

The relationship has ended and it ended badly. It's time to focus on healing, work through your emotions and try to get to the other side. In time this will be forgotten and it will be a lesson learned.

 

One thing you have to absorb, is that while every one of us deserves respect and certainly is entitled to being let go kindly, it doesn't always happen. This board is filled with dumpers that just disappear, walk away, etc. That in itself is your answer. A coward's answer. And yes, it may drive us to insanity and while we will react, at some point you have to realize you need to stop, accept and let go.

[theothersully]

Time will also help you. I know, everyone says this, but it is true. Try to go out with friends a lot. You will start to feel better.

 

Random question... are you from Italy?? You say some things in English in the exact same way as someone very close to me who is in Milano right now awaiting some papers to come back to the states.

[jana564]

Thank you slot for taking the time to write... it just helps reading things and feeling there are other people coping an I might as well. Funny thing is that its not my first break up but I normally would walk away easily.., this hit me hard not only coz I loved him, but because I sacrificed much and didn't want to lose all that along with our future plans and him. I had three weeks there and got scared. I have no intention contact in him even if it will kill mein hopes that if at least I don't feel better, I won't feel worse! What makesme sleep better is that iI know I did all wgts in my power and much more to talk and get him to know how much I loved him... maybe time would help him too to really absorb it... ad to feel I am gone coz though it has been two months since the break up I was never really gone... I cannot hate him despite of everything I just hate myself for not being stronger,,, though I doubt it would have made a difference with the relationship... I would have seen him as a friend and I can never be just that. And yes I am Italian though have been residing elsewhere for the past 4 years

[Sugarkane]

I think dumpers should realize they can actually help the situation if they don't do a 180 on the dumpee, in the first place. And then refuse to give any explanation.

[flight E]

Try not to hate yourself for what you did your boyfriend is not a gudperson and you are better off without him. Even if I didn't love you anymore, the fact that you injured your leg would have moved me to show some compassion and calm you down. A human being who can't show compassion unless they are in love are animals not worth you time

[Leigh 87]

Guys think girls are "crazy" all too easily. However, you definitely acted crazy:lmao:

 

It's going to be okay, plenty of decent women have acted crazy before. It's nothing to be ashamed about, as long as you know you acted crazy and you never want to act that way again.

 

I actually don't think you ARE crazy for acting crazy. I'll tell you why:

 

A man you were very attached to and in love with, left you suddenly, and gave you no answers. Now, MY natural reaction if my ex did that to me, would be to text and call him incessantly. I would want answers. You're addicted to people you love, and if they disappear all of a sudden, it is impossible to sometimes just... let things be and accept it.

 

 

A lesson you should take from this unfortunate incident, is: anything can happen. When you fall in love, you run the risk of getting terribly hurt.

 

Next time, realise that a guy who is acting head over heals in love with you can, in fact, change his mind suddenly. With NO warning. And without giving you answers.

 

Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he wasn't feeling it with you for sometime. For whatever reason, some people are so thoughtless, that they pull away from loved ones so fast, and without having the decency to give any explanation.

 

Dating and relationships are normally going to end in pain for most people; the more you like someone, the more you will hurt if things end.

 

You are going through an awful experience, but time will heal you, and the busier you get with your life and the LONGER you maintain No Contact, the faster you will heal.

 

You will probably love and lose again, many times over. Try to enjoy the times you have with people, and refrain from acting crazy if and when it ends.

 

You seriously just have to accept peoples decisions sometimes, even when it is totally agonizing for you to just sit back and do nothing.

[Kizmet Fisher]

 

 

After that, I travel back to him, from the first day I saw him I crashed begging him to talk and telling him its not okay what happened and he wanted to jump out of the window to avoid talking. I wouldn't let him I stayed there as he slept just looking at him. I made him coffee and woke him up and he was rude. I felt bad and tried to fix it... I saw him in normal ways for three days like taking him food to university and bumping into him and we would have lunch. He seemed happy but I was dying. I cracked another time after he made me swear not to talk and I locked him in my house so he wouldn't run. I talked and talked and he just started to punch the walls and the door and say he hates me.

 

You... actually locked him in your house so he couldn't escape? And insisted on watching him sleep, even though he wanted to escape through a window instead of having you there? This is deeply disconcerting.

 

Please stop before you end up hobbling the guy. Despite any behaviour on his part or the way he ended things being "invalid", this is just horrific behaviour on your part.

[flight E]

Anoder way to look at it is she acted all crazy but he could conveniently sleep with her in the house. He was not scared or anything. He didn't think she had gone berserk if not he wouldn't have slept. He is just a wicked person and a coward. He could have just giving her the explanation she wanted. Am not saying her behaviour was ok am saying he seemed to be enjoying it if he could calmly sleep under such circumstances

[jana564]

I do understand your comment and I have no intention of justifying my actions thats why I titled my post as crazy x.., however even when I was in there sleeping next to him he turned and kissed my forehead,., I touched his arm and he said that I shouldn't touch him, I then packed to leave silently as he slept and he followed me saying go back to bed yet still wouldn't talk to me. Even when I locked him in we were laughing about it and joking around the house for him to try to take the key butwhen I said I have one more week and I really wanted to talk before I left for good he started shouting and punishing the walls coz he knew it would scare me. I took it too far true but I recalled four months ago when he called at 5 am saying he freaked out because of a dream he had of him going back to his country and he was happy to be there but then he freaked out coz I was no where there and in the dream he had no way to communicate with me unless he travels and he had no idea where I was. He told me to promise him to nevergo because he saw no point in anything if iI was not there.., and I did. All I said was that if he was this convinced why we should not be together he should tell me and I would be convinced too. I was scared that his parents threatened to city him off because they did it before years ago and he was dependent on them financially and he was in so much pain his flat mate would tell me.. he had no social life and distanced himself from everyone and from social media... i and he lost a lot of weight. I just thought at some point I could break through to him and he just distanced himself more as I tried and it got me mad. I know I chocked him but all I thought if was that our future plans will fall apart and in will never see him again and I just had to weeks to at least get closure. I don't understand how in three days his mother could convince him that we were not okay when for two years he saw everything with me and talked abut every little detail of how things would go like where we would live the religion of our kids our car and house. He took all away without any explanation and I did go crazy.., but he knows me as an independent great girl for two years that stood by him in good and bad times... would he see past this craziness at some point.., even with every thing that happened I know he doesn't hate me he like chokes on words just by seeing me... I just don't understand how he could react this way to me trying when it was the least I was expected to do and it just got more crazy the more he seemed emotionless coz it was never him. I left for good and I have no intention of trying more.. these two weeks broke me physically and emotionally and mentally... I am writing to try to understand how he feels... what would make him act in such hatefulness when he would before get crazy if I cut my finger while cooking... I know I went too far... but I tryed more than my best... is it really that bad ?

[Kizmet Fisher]

Jana, I get that it's hard. I really do. I once had an ex who kept telling me he loved me after he dumped me, and even called me his one and only while he was on a first date with his new girlfriend. It sucks, I know. But you need to stop thinking back over the relationship and all the nice things he said and did. The guy doesn't want to be with you.

 

You really need to try to not essentially keep bombarding him with the message of, "I know you loved me once, do it again". No matter what happened in the past, even the recent past, it's over now. It doesn't matter what he thinks or feels about you anymore. Concentrate on being the best version of yourself you can be.

[Beautiful diamond]

Hi Jana,

 

I was in you same position 3 years ago. My bf of two years was not as nice as yours though. He had been cheating, hitting me, completely disrespecting, etc. Then a few days before our 2nd anniversary he dumped me, then proceeded to ignore all my calls and text and block me and my mother. So the day of our anniversary I sat outside his college parking lot, by his car, waiting for him. He came outside and said it was over and refused to speak to me. He drove away and I followed. Once at his house I chased after him. He ran in his house and said to me at the door, "If you don't stop I'm going to get a restraining order." Then he slammed the door as his mother laughed at me.

 

I was so broken. But with time, months later I got over it. Heartbreak will teach you many lessons: self-respect, restraint, wisdom, your weaknesses, how to let go, how to be alone, the list goes on and on.

 

Don't make the mistake I did and take him back, over and over afterwards. He just dumped me again in the end, when I didn't do everything he wanted or take his nonsense anymore. So take it from a survivor ( ), this too shall pass. He will forget and so will you. Luckily for us, the past is done forever, so look forward to tomorrow and value how and with whom you spend the present....

Edited October 22, 2013 by Beautiful diamond

[jana564]

Thank you for sharing your story.... I am happy you moved on it sort of gives me hope that I can survive this too.. the lessons you talked about I know them by heart but I was stupid enough not to apply anything. I knew he loved and I knew that if I went and was string he would be dying to contact me yet I took the easy stupid way out of letting my emotions lead me because I knew things were painful for him too but it didn't work as I expected. Funny thing I long for him because I drove him mad to entise such a reaction.., but he too could have taken the Easy way out and talk to me maturely except he reacted in a crazy way and drove me more crazy. I hope at some point my anger with him these two months will win over the love I had for two years. And believe it or not I am sure he was not even a little scared of me because he knows I could never hurt a snake and I just lived him and saw no shame in it. I am very tired of trying to do everything and it goes bad... I just hope time would help me to forget and that at some point I would get anything from him to explain what has happened

[flight E]

Pls be easy on urself. Take the advise that has been giving here and move on. There is no shame. Most people would have acted foolish under the circumstances. Even people that will say they can never do that. Be easy on you. Move on, learn grow. This same guy might come begging one day. That's how life is.

[flight E]

And I am not just trying to make you happy its the truth am telling you. Just make up your mind that you will be strong and you will move on. Admit your own part to the break up to your self and improve on those lapses. Am telling you never say never. This same guy might come begging. Pls don't ever take him back he acted cruel

[jana564]

I do feel deep inside that this time he will know I am gone. For two months Iwas trying aand my things were still in the house. Now am gone for good and he finished his PhD too and defended it and he will be back to his life but without me, I pray that he sees behind the craziness to the amount of love I had for him that he made me invest by blocking me out in a crazy why while it could have been his to reassure him. I would never taken him back because by physically assaulting me not only did it hurt me but he took no regard to my family that loved him... I may not have a lot of pride for me as a human but I do for my family although I love him dearly and I know it is partly my fault for pushing him. His dream came true he will be back to his life without me and I am looking forward to it... even in his home country be very thing in his room I reorganized and bought him a projection that had all of our pictures.... I just hope he hurts as much as I do.. not because I am bad.,, but because I am hurt beyond repair... my health is detoriating I cannot beat or sleep and I cannot control it... I am with everyone that loves me and I keep thinking how he would have loved him if he visited like he promised to do this year. I just hope He would understand someday it would make me feel better

[Zahara]

Jana, you are going to be fine. You have to put it in the past.

 

Understand that you deserved an explanation. You are in no way at fault for wanting that. You had every right to one. He should have had decency to give you that. In that sense, there was nothing wrong with wanting an explanation. You were certainly entitled to it.

 

What was bad was the way you tried to get it. You know this. Take responsibility for your own actions. What he did is not a factor anymore. You only have control over yourself. Once you accept that it's done and it's something you want to change about yourself, you move on to healing and learning from this. And in time, as Beautiful Diamond stated eloquently, you will learn the lessons of self-respect, dignity, self-restraint, the gift of letting go, etc.

 

It's time to stop regurgitating what was, and put it behind you. We all take tumbles. Some big and some small. Sometimes a very harsh lesson, as the one you have experienced will be one of the best teachers you will ever have had. It will give you the wisdom you need to navigate future relationships, ESPECIALLY if you encounter another person that may react similarly to your ex. You won't repeat the same mistakes.

 

Move forward. Start to process your pain. Focus on getting yourself back to who you once were, without all the hurt and pain. It's going to take time but you will find your way there.

Edited October 22, 2013 by Zahara

[jana564]

Thank you Zahara for all your comments. I hope in some time I will be able to post positive things on how this made me grow... I think partly my problem is that I am too sensitive and a little spoiled and never had to deal with any loss before... it is horrible to admit it and I am harsh on myself for that, I will get psychological help as soon as I can start using my foot normally and I will try to concentrate less on what he thought of me and feels about me, but I guess it will take me some time, thank you all for your comments it is good to talk about this coz it made me feel less crazy although my behavior was not acceptable and I don't deny it. The pain I feel I cannot express especially with people asking about him but I have to be down to earth and know that eventually people will stop asking about him and will forget him and so will l. I need to start acting like a grown up and own up to my faults this really made a fool out of me, in do hope though he would have a self reflection too