MyLossNotYours Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) Hi all, I'm new to this site. I decided to come on here because I don't know where else to go. I feel all the symptoms most of you have felt. I decided to join when things got tragically depressing. If you would like to hear my story and provide insight. I would appreciate it. It's filled with mistakes and all judgement is welcomed. Helping would be preferred. My high school love of 10 years broke up with me over two years ago. We were very in love and grew up from really poor backgrounds when we met and grew together as adults. We started college half way through our relationship and both attended Devry. She got pregnant after a year of schooling and she dropped out. I stuck with schooling and worked nights serving trying to save. My mom gave me the ring my dad gave her since they were divorced and I proposed. She said yes of course. Shortly after, we had our son Noah. He had her dark blue eyes with my slanted eyes and black hair. He was beautiful and amazing, my everything. We lost him before his first birthday. His death was ruled out by SIDS. It was the hardest thing in the world to deal with. I dropped out of school and was a zombie at work. I was so numb and crushed. My fiance began drinking heavily while I worked. I eventually started drinking with her but with control. She was a wreck and vented of Noah and it hurt to see her like this. She found work all of the time but kept quitting or getting fired. She used sexual harassment or saw a baby and couldn't control her emotions as a reason for leaving her jobs. The first night she was gone all night so I panicked. Called and called. I was worried. She came home the next day. She said she stayed at her friend's from girls night. I tried to talk about it and she wouldn't answer. Just stared right through me. I kept trying to communicate and girls night got more frequent. I tried to be positive and strong, not pushing it. I didn't know she was a full blown alcoholic till one of our friends called me from a bar she was at. He asked if we broke up. I said no. He said come to Y bar and get your woman. I rushed and died inside that night. She was all on a guy at the bar. I almost got into a fight and she came home. I went through her phone once she passed out. I put two and two together from her texts. There was 20+ guys she was sleeping with for booze in 4 months time. She was meeting guys at the bar and sleeping with them. Some within hours of sleeping with me. I wish I saw it sooner. Just so numb and blind trying to give her space. She was a full blown alcoholic that hid it by her problems and uneasiness to discuss issues. I took off heartbroken after our 9 year mark. I lost 2 loves in 7 months time. I got tested and got out with just Molluscum contagion. Which is a really hard to get rid of. Look it up if you need to. Over time I kept getting suckered back in. The I'm going to AA and stopped drinking for a week, I miss you, or say she'd some heart warming memory from our past. Meanwhile, rotating me in with who knows how many men for booze. I felt like the love of my life and most beautiful woman I layed eyes on was a different person. Like an alien or a poltergeist just happened in the last year. I needed an out. It just hurt so much. My close friends then hooked me up with a wonderful girl. She made great money and took me out. The only thing I didn't like was she made me feel lower class by throwing her lavish money in my face. Laughing when I couldn't keep up with finances. It's different when you grow up poor and work hard compared to someone that was born with money that flaunts it. I got a email from my ex and told my current girlfriend of almost a year. She said I should meet her up to talk because we went through a lot while she is sober. It was weird. It was like she pushed it on me to meet up with the ex. I met my ex at a restaurant and she was sober. We started talking and then wine was ordered. Next thing I know, the spark came back. And we went to a hotel and had protected sex. I woke up in a hotel room and looked at my dead phone. My ex is lying naked drunk to me and I can't leave?! Probably close to a 100+ missed calls and text from my current girlfriend. I felt terrible. I was ballsy enough to call my current and tell her what happened. She made it clear we were done. Just felt something more intense when I saw my ex. It felt right and stronger. We got back together and the same bull happened again. She started f-ing around and flaking out. It was my mistake I know. I took off to another state. All my friends were mad. For leaving the rich girl. My head needed to be shut off for awhile. I moved to Indiana and became room mates with a buddy that was attending Purdue. He knew my story and tried to get me to live the frat life since I was so tied down with my high school love. The alcohol and mary jane eased my mind a little. It definitely helped pass the time. But once it wore off. My brain and chest were hurting for a long duration. Some days I would just think about Noah and how my life was ripped away from me and how thing could be different. I moved back to MI. Saw my family and started working again. I attended community college and on the day I was studying on the day of a final my phone rings. Weird number. So I answered it and it was my ex. I was stunned, blindsided. One of our mutual friends gave her my number. I put my anger aside and tried to be the better person and be nice. Asked her how she was doing okay. She quit drinking and some guy helped her and now they are engaged. She keeps asking me if I am proud she quit? It just hit me hard. I started shaking and had to get off the phone. But she kept calling and texting. I couldn't believe it. She quit drinking for some guy she has been dating for over a year and now they are engaged? It hurt and I just hated everything more. I failed my finals. Dropped and started smoking. I had to change my number because each call and text was killing me mentally. I manned up and got back on my feet and decided to go back to school after 6 months. I got my old computer fixed that has been dead for 4 years. The pictures I forgot about that were in it were of us and the baby. Everything before this nightmare started. I keep looking at them and can't let go. I want to but my brain wont stop. My chest has hurt forever and my body aches. Anyone have any advice to get through this? or have been through this? -John Edited October 21, 2013 by MyLossNotYours Needed a revision
aybc123 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 No I haven't and can't give any advice on such a horrible experience. However, my father went through the same thing you have when he was younger, lost a baby, his fiance changed hugely because she couldnt cope, lost her too, had to move all the way across the country and take some year or two to move on, struggling to keep going. But he did, and I wouldn't be here today if he hadn't. So keep going, things will get better.
barky2 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Holy crap. First off and foremost, I'm so sorry to hear about Noah, that's absolutely heartbreaking from dude to dude. I have been thru a ectopic and 5 miscarriages ..it killed me, but I couldn't even imagine a child, my deepest sympathies . Ok now to the girl Like my (ex) did, she took the ectopic hard. The miscarriages followed after that. Honestly she's never been the same. She didn't go on a drinking bang spree but she was completely lost,just like your girl is. I congratulate you for going back to school tho, definitely see that thru,that's one thing that can't be taken from you. What you need to do is once again change your number, and make sure she never gets it again. Maybe in a few years you guys can talk just to rehash stuff but not now. No freakin way. Your whole life was there Infront of you,fiancé,child...the thing is this, and I mean this with the upmost compassion, that is not your life anymore. Unfortunately that wasn't the plan your life had. You have to come to terms with this, I know it's not easy, but you have to. I relate because of the child loss, and I also was with my ex for 9 years when we split, 15-24. The thing is, the minute you come to terms with that your life will be going a different direction, is the minute you begin your healing. Best of luck to you op. Barky
Author MyLossNotYours Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Thank you aybc123 for your reply. I imagine he was in a dark place for those few years. He must be a strong guy. Good to hear he found a way and glad you are here today. I know this is going to be tough. My friends tell me it can't get much worse. I'm hoping not too.
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