OopsyDaisyWorld Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Hi All, This is my first post and my first time writing on a forum like this but thought I could do with some advice from everyday people. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months now and we are madly in love. Prior to this in 2012 we were Friends with benefits! Now I know most people would not go there and will think this is really stupid to date someone you were only sleeping with. But it happened, we did not plan to fall in love with each other, for some god's miracle it happened! The problem arises due to our history. Technically we weren't together last year and so were free to see other people or even sleep with them. And that's exactly what happened. We did sleep with a couple of other people last year and like any honest couple told each other when we started dating. PANDORA'S BOX OPENED! It's hard enough to deal with someone's sexual past in a normal relationship, which is their history prior to meeting you. This gets even more complicated because we knew each other, were sleeping together and yet went and slept with a couple of other people. Now knowing these facts is making it really hard to accept and digest each other's sexual past. How do you deal with something like this? Has anyone had a similar experience? How do I get all this stupid stuff out of my head and not let it affect the present?
tlegend Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Hi All, This is my first post and my first time writing on a forum like this but thought I could do with some advice from everyday people. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months now and we are madly in love. Prior to this in 2012 we were Friends with benefits! Now I know most people would not go there and will think this is really stupid to date someone you were only sleeping with. But it happened, we did not plan to fall in love with each other, for some god's miracle it happened! The problem arises due to our history. Technically we weren't together last year and so were free to see other people or even sleep with them. And that's exactly what happened. We did sleep with a couple of other people last year and like any honest couple told each other when we started dating. PANDORA'S BOX OPENED! It's hard enough to deal with someone's sexual past in a normal relationship, which is their history prior to meeting you. This gets even more complicated because we knew each other, were sleeping together and yet went and slept with a couple of other people. Now knowing these facts is making it really hard to accept and digest each other's sexual past. How do you deal with something like this? Has anyone had a similar experience? How do I get all this stupid stuff out of my head and not let it affect the present? The decisions you made in the past do not have to reflect the person you have become now and in the future. If you are in love now, and you weren't then, shouldn't that be reason enough to leave that box unopened?
Author OopsyDaisyWorld Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 The decisions you made in the past do not have to reflect the person you have become now and in the future. If you are in love now, and you weren't then, shouldn't that be reason enough to leave that box unopened? Thanks. I understand what you're saying but the box has been opened already the two blokes she slept with were on her facebook even after we started dating which I thought was pretty stupid. Why on earth would you have them on facebook only for your boyfriend to go "who are they" and so now I even know what they look like .... Welcome to the township of INSECURITY, population 1.
tlegend Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Thanks. I understand what you're saying but the box has been opened already the two blokes she slept with were on her facebook even after we started dating which I thought was pretty stupid. Why on earth would you have them on facebook only for your boyfriend to go "who are they" and so now I even know what they look like .... Welcome to the township of INSECURITY, population 1. I'm in that town with you, don't worry. Most people, at one point or another, will be insecure about something. What you need to remind yourself of is that she chose you, and you two are together. You can't judge her based on decisions she made prior to being with you, and you can't abuse her trust with having this bother you. Do you love her any less now that you know she has had sex with someone other than you? I certainly hope not. The box was opened, and I'm willing to bet, it was under the pretense that she felt safe with you and that she could share this information with you. You can't hold this over her head as again, you weren't together, and in the end, she chose YOU, not the other 2 guys. 2
Author OopsyDaisyWorld Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I'm in that town with you, don't worry. Most people, at one point or another, will be insecure about something. What you need to remind yourself of is that she chose you, and you two are together. You can't judge her based on decisions she made prior to being with you, and you can't abuse her trust with having this bother you. Do you love her any less now that you know she has had sex with someone other than you? I certainly hope not. The box was opened, and I'm willing to bet, it was under the pretense that she felt safe with you and that she could share this information with you. You can't hold this over her head as again, you weren't together, and in the end, she chose YOU, not the other 2 guys. You are right, I know you are right. And if someone asked me the questions I am asking I would offer the same advice you are offering me. Funny how it all makes sense, yet it's hard to accept and rationalise it. I know for a fact at the time this happened we were sleeping together but since we weren't in a relationship I had no right over her actions and vice versa. She had every right to see or sleep with someone else. Friends with Benefits seemed like a good idea at the time little did we know it would complicate things down the line. I do not love her any less after the fact but the mind can play funny tricks on you and the sooner I can get over this the better, like you said WE WEREN'T TOGETHER netiher were we exclusive.
LK30 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I know exactly how you feel my friend. I've been with my lady for 7 months now and it started off with flirting and what I referred to FWB, but I always felt she never saw it like that as it's very rare girls don't create some sort of emotional attachment with intimacy. I knew my gf had slept with about 15 men when she was a teenager and and then met her long term partner who she was with for 10 years and then split last year. She then got with me a few months later. We also went out at Xmas (BEFORE WE GOT TOGETHER) and we kissed all evening, then she kissed my friend as well which I thought was a bit weird but we were all drunk. I got with her in March this year and she is absolutely lovely but as I've grown to love her the fact she had a lot of men in her teens as well as kissing my friend has really begun to play with my head and I'm at risk of self destructing and ruining this relationship. Since being with me she's been totally faithful and is absolutely lovely. And I can see you've been advised that all that matters is she's with you and what she did in her past is kind of not your business and it's over. But, I know how you feel as it's so hard to get your head round, it really is!
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I really don't get this. At the time of sleeping with her, you were completely fine with FWB, had no feelings, fine to sleep with others. Then there was a magic moment where you two "fell in love". Since then you became a faithful, loyal, loving couple. All of a sudden you are replaying history of what happened at the time you couldn't care less who she was sleeping with...and it bothers you now? You guys must operate in a completely different universe. Just doesn't make any sense to me. 1
LK30 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 The only difference with mine is that we were kind of 'casual' but we agreed that we would be exclusive when we started doing it!
Author OopsyDaisyWorld Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I really don't get this. At the time of sleeping with her, you were completely fine with FWB, had no feelings, fine to sleep with others. Then there was a magic moment where you two "fell in love". Since then you became a faithful, loyal, loving couple. All of a sudden you are replaying history of what happened at the time you couldn't care less who she was sleeping with...and it bothers you now? You guys must operate in a completely different universe. Just doesn't make any sense to me. I know what you are saying, it doesn't make sense to me either hence I joined this forum to get other people's opinion or advice. I ask myself the very same question if I didn't care at the time about who she was sleeping with, why is it bothering me now? why care now? Maybe because I love her. And trust me if I knew why or could understand this feeling or make it go away I would. Feeling insecure is common, but I am generally a strong headed confident person and hence I hate feeling like this even more.
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