Sudden turn into a jerry springer case

[2sunny]

So what's your plan to invoke change?

 

Being nice to her certainly hasn't earned you her respect. It's only made her basically laugh in your face- she may as well have spit at you too - given her light hearted phone calls to him when she proved what a good liar she is.

 

If you don't change this - nothing is going to change.

[Darren Steez]

This also makes no sense to me.

 

She told me that she told him that their relationship would go nowhere. The guy apparently said his kids are the most important thing to him so breaking his marriage is not in the realm of possibility.

 

Apparently his wife had an affair (so I am told) and that he was in a lot of pain.

 

She said she felt like she owed him something. This is really terrible for me to hear... How do you feel you owe someone sex?

This is so bizarre and incredibly hard for me to get my head around.

 

When you heard the giggling on the phone was that "owing" him something?

 

I do love the cheater's script of rationalization.

 

She cheated because she wanted/needed/liked to. Nothing more, nothing less. Not after two years when they probably did it numerous times. Empathy, proximity and attraction.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tall, Sorry to read about your situation. You came here asking for advice but whatever advice you have been given has been rationalized by you as not possible for you to abide by. So what exactly do you want? What magic solution to your problems are you expecting that people on this forum will give you that will, in one fell swoop, solve your dilemma and rid you of all the emotional trauma that you are undergoing.

 

You are an intelligent and rational person who is able to marshal his thoughts logically and so you should think deeply about what has happened, what you want and then act accordingly. Don't waste your time here! Cheers!

[Zenstudent]

Even if I am starving and his money is the only thing that will save me, I would never take it.

 

by the way, I am somewhat dependent on my wife since I started the business. Although, I am sure I can survive just fine, it would be hard. I'm an Engineer and have earned more than her when we married, things just swapped in the recent years after her MBA and my small business. My company is a tech business and things are looking good and even if it weren't, I am very employable so I'm not really concerned for money.

 

Exposing has other issues.. his two daughters that have done nothing at all. I am so disgusted that a man did this to my family and obviously with no regard for my daughter. I mean, it is bad to have slept with my wife without asking her to resolve me first, but to not have waited a few more weeks for the baby to be born is just sick in my mind.

 

So the question is.. if I am thinking this man is evil for not thinking about my daughter.. would I not be the same for not thinking about his?

Sorry you're going through this mess. I understand that you're a rational and logic based guy - so am I by the way. From my POV, there is something very backwards in your thinking here - why do you think that by telling OM wife, you are the one hurting his daughter?? He did that to himself the moment he decided to drop his pants in front of your wife - YOUR wife. He destructed the safety of his family all by himself. You're just the guy who who have the decency to open his wife's eyes to reality.

 

Think hard about this, because therein lies the answer: Would you rather not have known the truth yourself? (there is more to the truth, by the way, you're definitely not anywhere near the truth yet - your wife is still in la-la land)

[RAN65]

If you are going for R tell her to quit the job, if not you are going to inform her mother. Ask her what is important, JOB or FAMILY.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tall, Apart from anything else that has been talked about on your thread the fact remains that it is clear that your wife is NOT in the least remorseful. Also your attitude towards her and her obvious infidelity clearly demonstrates to her that you are NOT going to hold her to account for her misdemeanours. If that be the case WHY would she do anything to change things with respect to her job or her relationship with her BOSS. She knows you will go along with anything that SHE wants to do and you will suck it up.

 

As I said in my previous post, you are refusing any and all advice that requires you to take a firm stand with your wife. If that be the case I fail to understand why you ever came to this forum because you would have known that people were not going to endorse your way of looking at things and neither would anyone tone down their views or shy away from giving you blunt advice which you are bound NOT to like considering your position in the matter. I guess you have a lot to think about. If you have already decided to go along with the way your wife has determined that she is going to conduct her life I guess you might as well "Like it or lump it". Warm wishes!

[2sunny]

You being nice about your wife screwing her boss isn't going to make it stop.

 

You seem like you plan to stay with her - but really, it looks like staying married to her will have to include accepting that your wife will continue to cheat. Is that the kind of M you want?

[serial muse]

So many questions...

 

Why did she confess? Did she suspect that you already knew? She certainly doesn't sound remorseful. At all.

 

Her sister "claims to understand her and asks me to be patient".

 

Did she even elaborate on this? What does she "understand"?? Be patient, while...what? It would be great if she explained this to you, because it doesn't seem like there's much to understand here. Is there something else going on?

 

Therapist said she has to first choose between her job or the family. She claims the therapist is bad. She would not see one by herself, says they don't know her and only she knows her and she can figure out what's going on.

 

She says she doesn't know why she did it, and then she says she can figure it out without help. Um, OK. Translation: She doesn't want to enter into self-examination.

 

She's deep in the affair fog still, and nothing that you've posted makes her sound the least bit remorseful. I'm glad to hear that your child is yours, and I can understand that she (your daughter) would be a big impediment to divorce now. BUT. Your wife doesn't seem to be doing anything to improve things. And nobody seems that interested in why she did it in the first place, let alone reconciling in any meaningful (as in, not sweeping it under the rug) way!

 

You said her dad wanted some time to figure out what's been going on. Has he come up with any answers??

[2sunny]

I think she confessed so that she could plan to go and be with her other MM. That way you would exit and she could do this the way she prefers.

 

Bottom line is - she doesn't respect YOU and/or the M enough to keep her legs closed. She acts like HE takes priority over you/the M and the baby.

 

Work from that evidence she's presenting. Throw her out and allow her to understand YOU/the family deserve better/more than what she's offering.

 

Get a healthy boundary and expectations of what a wife looks like - and stick with that boundary!

 

If she's not willing to live by basic guidelines - it's already over!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I read the thread and you either are the most naive poster to LS, or just in such a fog. I usually also am the one who supports R and ask the posters how they contributed to the Affair. I also often believe the stories the cheaters say.

 

Tall2013 you are just so sadly pathetic. Oh yea, always the married president of a multinational just happens to fall for some mid-level Exec (nothing more @ age 32) and more so a pregnant woman (unless that's his fetish).

 

And she wants to continue the overseas assignment with a child, who you've said she doesn't seem ecstatic about?

 

This has been going on a long long time (if true) and face it our marriage is over if you've been honest about everything you've told us.

 

If this is real, wake the F up.....

[2sunny]

Best guess is the A was happening the whole 3 years - and she realized she was obligated to get home to deliver the baby.

 

He missed her - so he traveled that far to be with her - and you being the ALL TOO understanding H - didn't bother to wonder who she was making her priority - so she did it right under your nose.

 

 

She's played you as her fool - stop doing that!

[Tall2013]

I really appreciate everyone that took the time to contribute. Your feedback on this has been very helpful. Even if I didn't reply to every single one, I read each one multiple times.

 

Divorce seems likely, however, the first psychologist I spoke to had a very good point that stuck with me. Whatever the outcome of this, you must put yourself in a position to look back and say "I've done everything I can to make it work".

 

Reason why this is important to me is because my daughter will one day ask me what I did to keep things together. I would like to not regret what is possibly the biggest decision of my life and to provide a good answer for her. Also, this marriage and this woman is something that I've invested a great deal of my life and energy. Very little I wouldn't have done for her... It just made sense to give it my best to salvage. Unfortunately, I do still care for her.

 

I like to make an informed decision and I'm in no state to trust myself to think straight. This is why I reached out to all sorts of people, including you guys and girls on the Internet with similar experiences. Your encouragement is tremendously helpful and not surprised by the posts at all. Thank you for not sugar coating the message. It hit home and hit hard enough to stick!

 

Thank you so much. If there is anything else anyone wants to tell me, I am certainly all ears until D Day.

 

I put speaking to a lawyer off but it certainly doesn't hurt to discuss my options so I am going to speak to one this week. My wife is not malicious at all and I am fairly certain she will agree to a peaceful divorce especially since I don't really want anything except my daughter.

 

I wish everyone else in similar situations the best of luck.

 

I will report back in the near future and stay on this board to support others that fall into a similar pit.

[SidLyon]

Tall,I suggest you deal with this now rather than try to bury it so nobody finds out.

 

 

I'm the BW is a very similar scenario to you. My WH started an affair with a married and pregnant woman and he was her boss. The baby was born.

 

 

Years later I discovered the affair and was absolutely devastated. I exposed the woman to everybody I could including older adult son and her parents-in-law. You see by then her husband was dead and the "baby" is now 11 years old! Despite legal action we have not been able to force a DNA test, so it will wait a few more years yet until he is old enough.

 

 

As a BW I would have so appreciated it if someone had told me what was going on. Also the repercussion of this affair will last for years and will impact on the innocent child who may or may not be my husband's child, and on our own children who may or may not have a brother. Potentially this could be the situation for your daughter and the MM's wife in the future. You may be satisfied with the DNA tests but the MM and his family may want their own if it ever comes out. You may not be able to shield your daughter from this forever.

 

 

As for your wife, it doesn't sound to me like she's truly remorseful as if she was she'd be willing to do absolutely anything to regain your trust and save your marriage.

 

 

While I'm pleased for you that your daughter is yours, it does seem unlikely to me that the affair started at 36 weeks of pregnancy. Also it's straight from the MM playbook to tell the OW that the BW had an affair first, often it's not true but is just a story to rationalise what they are doing and engender sympathy. It wasn't true in my case.

Edited October 22, 2013 by SidLyon

[road]

Tall2013,

 

Your WW went overseas and started her affair. That baby she is carrying is her OM's OC.

 

Your WW came home to make it appear that the baby is yours.

 

Proof of an affair is a big multi corp CEO does not come over seas to see a low or even a mid level executive.

 

He wants to bang his AP, and see that his child in your wife's womb is doing well.

 

DNA test that child. For crying out loud your WW lies about sleeping over with a GF and you find her staying at a hotel with the OM.

[crederer]

I'm not sure if this is good advice or not, but just how angry I feel reading your situation, even though it has nothing to do with me, if I were you this is what I'd do:

 

Get as much evidence of the affair you can get. Dump the wife. once the divorce is finalized blackmail the OM for a pile of cash to not tell his wife what happened.

 

And grow a pair man, you sound so sheepish. I don't mean that as an insult, you seriously need to get your nuts back.

[2sunny]

Yes take your daughter - be sure to get child and spousal support.

 

File now so your cheating wife understands she has consequences for her bad behavior.

 

And YOU don't owe your daughter answers about what her Mom has done - your cheating wife should be responsible for the answers to HER actions - as your daughter gets older.

[2sunny]

Or even - Mommy was working and forgot she was married - so I took action to help her be single like her actions showed.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I really appreciate everyone that took the time to contribute. Your feedback on this has been very helpful. Even if I didn't reply to every single one, I read each one multiple times.

 

Divorce seems likely, however, the first psychologist I spoke to had a very good point that stuck with me. Whatever the outcome of this, you must put yourself in a position to look back and say "I've done everything I can to make it work".

 

Reason why this is important to me is because my daughter will one day ask me what I did to keep things together. I would like to not regret what is possibly the biggest decision of my life and to provide a good answer for her. Also, this marriage and this woman is something that I've invested a great deal of my life and energy. Very little I wouldn't have done for her... It just made sense to give it my best to salvage. Unfortunately, I do still care for her.

 

I like to make an informed decision and I'm in no state to trust myself to think straight. This is why I reached out to all sorts of people, including you guys and girls on the Internet with similar experiences. Your encouragement is tremendously helpful and not surprised by the posts at all. Thank you for not sugar coating the message. It hit home and hit hard enough to stick!

 

Thank you so much. If there is anything else anyone wants to tell me, I am certainly all ears until D Day.

 

I put speaking to a lawyer off but it certainly doesn't hurt to discuss my options so I am going to speak to one this week. My wife is not malicious at all and I am fairly certain she will agree to a peaceful divorce especially since I don't really want anything except my daughter.

 

I wish everyone else in similar situations the best of luck.

 

I will report back in the near future and stay on this board to support others that fall into a similar pit.

 

You're still in a fog...... Wake up please!!!!!!!! Your wife is malicious.... She left you for a job and played you for a fool and still does. Really if this is your child, and I'm not sure it is, take action for her sake.

[Charlie Harper]

I think the actor has left the stage....

 

Hope he does what he needs to...

[road]

Tall2013,

 

Your WW went overseas and started her affair. That baby she is carrying is her OM's OC.

 

Your WW came home to make it appear that the baby is yours.

 

Proof of an affair is a big multi corp CEO does not come over seas to see a low or even a mid level executive.

 

He wants to bang his AP, and see that his child in your wife's womb is doing well.

 

DNA test that child. For crying out loud your WW lies about sleeping over with a GF and you find her staying at a hotel with the OM.

 

 

To add to this after the OC is born WW wants to leave you for another 2 years and go back overseas.

[2sunny]

To add to this after the OC is born WW wants to leave you for another 2 years and go back overseas.

 

He had the child tested - but I think under the circumstances the other MM should be tested as well.

 

There is that small percentage of error.

[Eivuwan]

I don't know what to say. Others have said everything I want to say. However, I must point out that as a therapist in training I am aghast at the advice that that psychologist gave. Psychologists are suppose to help you figure things out, not to give major life changing advice like this. I think you should focus on yourself and your daughter and forget about everyone else. It seems that you have put your wife first for so long. How about you put yourself first.

 

I really appreciate everyone that took the time to contribute. Your feedback on this has been very helpful. Even if I didn't reply to every single one, I read each one multiple times.

 

Divorce seems likely, however, the first psychologist I spoke to had a very good point that stuck with me. Whatever the outcome of this, you must put yourself in a position to look back and say "I've done everything I can to make it work".

 

Reason why this is important to me is because my daughter will one day ask me what I did to keep things together. I would like to not regret what is possibly the biggest decision of my life and to provide a good answer for her. Also, this marriage and this woman is something that I've invested a great deal of my life and energy. Very little I wouldn't have done for her... It just made sense to give it my best to salvage. Unfortunately, I do still care for her.

 

I like to make an informed decision and I'm in no state to trust myself to think straight. This is why I reached out to all sorts of people, including you guys and girls on the Internet with similar experiences. Your encouragement is tremendously helpful and not surprised by the posts at all. Thank you for not sugar coating the message. It hit home and hit hard enough to stick!

 

Thank you so much. If there is anything else anyone wants to tell me, I am certainly all ears until D Day.

 

I put speaking to a lawyer off but it certainly doesn't hurt to discuss my options so I am going to speak to one this week. My wife is not malicious at all and I am fairly certain she will agree to a peaceful divorce especially since I don't really want anything except my daughter.

 

I wish everyone else in similar situations the best of luck.

 

I will report back in the near future and stay on this board to support others that fall into a similar pit.

[Criticality]

Best thread EVARRR!!!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The OP has told us an incredible story, claims it is true and if so has quite the dilemma.

 

What I don't get, outside believing that the CEO of a multinational is chasing a mid-level (at best) executive halfway around the world to have sex with 36 week pregnant her, is that the OP seems so accepting of his wife's actions and is most worried about what he will tell his daughter about the divorce and "what he did to try and keep the marriage together" far far into the future.

 

He just amazes me that he is missing the point and barely fighting for his marriage and defending his wife at the same time.

 

I say if it is a true story, then first figure out your right to your daughter (especially if she is going to keep the job and be a world traveler), divorce and get on with your life.

[Tall2013]

Hi All,

 

Just wanted to give an update.

 

Spoke to the lawyer as I mentioned earlier. I am in Canada. The firm is a respected, large one. The lawyer I spoke to was the second most expensive one there.

 

She basically gave me the following advice.

 

1) The matter of being cheated on, when it comes to divorce is irrelevant. I will need to give notice of separation to my wife and remain separated. She claims I can try for a divorce but it is not recommended, mainly for reason number 2.

 

2) Remain with the newborn child as long as possible. Show the judge that you are there for the baby from the start, that you can care for a baby etc. This will go a long way in custody. I obviously want to be part of the child's life.

 

3) Convince the wife to keep her job. This will help with finances. She argued since you are separating, why do you care what she does except if she stays with her job, you won't be responsible for any payments to her.

 

Lots of stuff happened between the wife and I since posting here. Too much to go into. Lets just say I don't feel like she is really committed to continuing the marriage but has agreed to live with me. You can be separated and still live together apparently.

 

I did not tell her work about it since her financial stability is important to the family now but I believe she has resigned. I told her family and that is as far as I am going. At the end of day, I did share a little over a decade of my life with her and I really don't want my daughter to find out about this. I can't imagine how she would feel, and worse, I don't want others to find out about her mother as it will no doubt cause pain for her as she grows up.

 

Personally, I am doing better. I've made a commitment to be more physically active. Joined up sports leagues that I used to be part of. I got some new outfits and am much "friendlier" with females. I'm naturally charismatic and witty which my wife claimed to be "flirting". I had to "watch" myself, and now I feel really free to be myself.

 

Still hurting but pain is slowly going away. I am able to do more and looking forward to meeting other women. Baby is amazing and is a tremendous source of joy and happiness. Although I still feel extremely sad at times to think she will grow up in a broken home.

 

The only unfortunate part about this still is that I am still attracted to my wife and I think I still love her. Realizing/Convincing myself that she doesn't love me has helped me distance myself and relieve the pain.

 

Thank you again for all your help.