Absinthe Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I'm having a bit of cognitive dissonance about my situation, in which I feel torn between the logical and the not-so-logical. So I thought I would turn to a group of folks on the Internet to see if y'all can confirm or deny what I think I am feeling...honestly, I've been surprised to read and hear the opinions of people who aren't friends and family on this front before! I met my ex when I was 18 and he 23. Let's call him John. Fell head over heels. He pursued me and asked me out, but would act cooler about the relationship than giddy little teenage me. We fought like cat and dog, so we split up. Started seeing other people. I had a reasonably serious relationship. He came back. I realised I loved John more than my partner at the time, so we broke up and got back together. We went out for longer this time, but he started acting cold again, frequently blowing me off, and generally acting like he didn't give a damn. He also swore blind that "love wasn't real". Realising he could never give me what I wanted, I reluctantly broke up with him. We break all contact. Despite his total disbelief in love, I find on the grapevine that he has been dating a string of women in his hometown. Odd, I wonder, that he despises being in a relationship yet is so keen to be in one? A few months pass, I remain single this time, and he calls me out of the blue, asks to meet for drinks. Why not. He drops the L-word, says that in fact, he's always loved me, he doesn't want anyone but me. I'm completely stunned and of course, I'm pleased. I ask him if he wants to get back together, but he declines because I'm going to study a Masters degree at a uni 30 minutes down the road and he "can't do long distance". Frustrated, I tell him to stop being silly. We cut contact again. During my Masters degree I went on exchange abroad, where I met my last partner, The Swede. The Swede was amazing and everything I felt I was missing. He asked me to move in with him in Sweden after our graduation. This meant we had only a six-month stint apart. Flattered by the fact that he was willing to have a long-distance relationship with me in another country when John couldn't even manage one down the road, I agree. By this point John and I have regained an amicable level of contact. John is seeing other girls, although he has nothing serious. Shortly after I return to the UK, we agree to meet for a catch-up. In which he proposes marriage. Again, I tell him not to be silly - logically, The Swede is a much better match for me - but by this point we know ignoring one another is futile so we keep in touch anyway. I move to Sweden and The Swede and I are together for a year. I am very happy with The Swede. I think about John occasionally, but I shake it off because logically he's not going to ever give me the stability I'm after. Then The Swede drops a bombshell - he's ending it. Because it doesn't feel as good as it did with his ex! I start looking for jobs back home. Quick as a flash, John muscles right in. Skyping almost every night (I am still working out in Sweden, on good pay). He doesn't do any declarations of love or marriage this time, but it's very obvious what he's after. Then...rather than landing a job back home, I land one in Singapore instead. A very exciting opportunity. Logically, I should be taking it. Not a question. Not-so-logically...Here's the thing that's bugging me. I still love John, I have always loved him, I've just suppressed it because of the cat-and-mouse, push-pull games he likes to play. Who is blowing it more though, he or I? Am I going to regret going to Singapore and losing him again? Or would going back to the UK for John be a very silly move? This is all starting to feel a bit like One Day...that, or John is, as my friends and family say, just "an idiot". Outside opinions welcome...
BrightHope Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) Sorry....how old are you? John? How long were you together and how long has it been since then? Edited October 21, 2013 by BrightHope adding
Author Absinthe Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Oosh...it's been about 7 years now. I am 25 and he is almost 30. On and off three times now...longest time together a year, shortest four months. With a lot of the "ooh maybe, but only" inbetween.
BrightHope Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Oosh...it's been about 7 years now. I am 25 and he is almost 30. On and off three times now...longest time together a year, shortest four months. With a lot of the "ooh maybe, but only" inbetween. Thanks for the info....I too did the on/off thing for a few years. We were much older. Older, not wiser It finally ended....spectacularly....despite our best intentions. If that happened to you, would you be okay with missing out on Singapore? Tough call. It would be a shame to miss out on such an opportunity your age and stage of your career. Was he always the one that broke things off with you? Maybe he is at an age where he is ready to really give it a shot. So many unknowns, as always! And I guess you could look at it like this....if he has come back to you again this time, maybe he will again?
Author Absinthe Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the info....I too did the on/off thing for a few years. We were much older. Older, not wiser It finally ended....spectacularly....despite our best intentions. If that happened to you, would you be okay with missing out on Singapore? Tough call. It would be a shame to miss out on such an opportunity your age and stage of your career. Was he always the one that broke things off with you? Maybe he is at an age where he is ready to really give it a shot. So many unknowns, as always! And I guess you could look at it like this....if he has come back to you again this time, maybe he will again? Yeah, you're right. He does keep coming back...what's another two years? I just can't help but think "****, what if he gets married this time". Past prognosis ain't looking good (I've had two serious relationships, and he's had nothing beyond 3 months tops) but stranger things have happened. I could hope to meet someone amazing in SG, but see the thing is it seems by the time everyone hits their mid twenties they've got their first-love baggage hanging around their neck...Given the age gap between myself and John I wondered if that was the case for him, but apparently -I- am his baggage. PS. We have taken it in turns ending it. The second time we broke up, I ended it, but it felt like he was pushing for that anyway. Third time I definitely just told him to make his damn mind up, which he couldn't, so, I ended it. Edited October 21, 2013 by Absinthe
BrightHope Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Yeah, you're right. He does keep coming back...what's another two years? I just can't help but think "****, what if he gets married this time". Past prognosis ain't looking good (I've had two serious relationships, and he's had nothing beyond 3 months tops) but stranger things have happened. I could hope to meet someone amazing in SG, but see the thing is it seems by the time everyone hits their mid twenties they've got their first-love baggage hanging around their neck...Given the age gap between myself and John I wondered if that was the case for him, but apparently -I- am his baggage. PS. We have taken it in turns ending it. The second time we broke up, I ended it, but it felt like he was pushing for that anyway. Third time I definitely just told him to make his damn mind up, which he couldn't, so, I ended it. Okay, so it hasn't been one sided...you have both taken turns leaving the relationship for whatever reasons. And yes, you are right about baggage....everyone's got it! Imagine what it's like dating in your mid40s when most of the people you meet have ex wives and kids! What is important to you right now? Finding a partner? Having kids? Exploring the world and advancing your career? You don't have to focus on just one, but your choices do impact the outcomes of these decisions. A book that has helped me over the last few months is He's Scared, She's Scared. I'm not sure if it is relevant to your situation or not, but it might be worth a read as you move ahead with your life....whatever that may be!
mrlost Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 This is a no brainer. GO to Singapore, seriously opportunities like these do not come often. You are going to start fresh and meet lots of new and interesting people. If you two were really meant to be together nothing will stop you two getting back together not even singapore. So I say take this opportunity and go. 2
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