Boyfriend treats me like a room mate!

[Keenly]

Oh my goodness! I like how you are "analyzing" me. Thank you for caring! Are you lost in the thread? She read it! Accepted it. She is moving on. I'm not forcing her or manipulating her to do otherwise. We are friends, she is like my sister. We communicate ALL the time. She made her choice in the end. But I'm not going to give up on her (meaning, I will stand behind her choice) because she is ALONE here.

If you don't like this thread because you kept saying "what's the point in this thread" then don't participate. Thank you!

 

I'm all for giving and receiving advice, but you can't ask for advice and then disregard all the opinions that don't agree with yours. That's why I asked what the point of the thread was. Your response to people that disagree was " re read the thread " and anyone that agreed was " omg you are totally right !"

 

 

So let me ask you, if your so close with this girl, and she has no family in the area.... why can't she move in with you?

[Juventa2012]

I'm all for giving and receiving advice, but you can't ask for advice and then disregard all the opinions that don't agree with yours. That's why I asked what the point of the thread was. Your response to people that disagree was " re read the thread " and anyone that agreed was " omg you are totally right !"

 

 

So let me ask you, if your so close with this girl, and she has no family in the area.... why can't she move in with you?

 

Everyone is entitled to voicing their opinion and I'm not disregarding all opinions that don't agree with me. The main issue was that my friend is not being treated like his girlfriend not his room mate. And I've agreed with many posters on here. I've offered my friend to come live with me several times, but she declined and I can't control that.

[willpower654]

After reading a lot of these posts I would say this:

 

For sure the finances should have been laid out in stone before the move in. It is possible that she didn't realise that this would be costing so much money before she moved in.. which is fair. And at which point her and her SO should have a chat.. She should tell him she is financially stressing out and ask if he is willing to front the entire mortgage himself, at which point she can save up and continue on. I cannot see a man who loves her and cares for her not agreeing to help her out when she is looking for a better paying job. And if he does not want to help her out and pay more.. then she can leave and guess what? HE can then pay the entire mortgage.

 

It is apparent that you care for her... However, this guy I assume didnt just become the man that he is. He probably never paid in full for dates. I have learned that men are usually the way they are and then.... they stay that way. lol

 

But the real issue here is this: It seems that it is 'expected' or we assume collectively that because the SO makes less... then the one who makes more should pay more, or alter the financial plan accordingly (lets just forget about sexes for a moment). Assuming this, then he should be okay with paying the mortgage or whatever so that it is less of a burden for her until she gets a better paying job...Not everyone is the same. Maybe she is a nice girl and would do this for him in return, but we cannot expect others to be like us in situations... He may just feel like he is paying his share and he has extra because he makes more, and he doesn't care that she makes so little.

 

And as for her doing everything around the house, this is a bad habit to fall into... He isn't going to just change and starts being molly maid. She has to also address this with him.

 

If she has a problem with any of the things going on. She should speak to him. If he doesnt change, or do what she wants or atleast compromise then she has no choice but to leave because it sounds like she is sick of all of the sh*t going on in the R.

 

Best wishes..

[clia]

What is your friend's explanation for why she has stayed with him for a year and then moved in with him?

 

You really do seem to be looking for the worst in this guy, and don't seem to be giving him the benefit of the doubt at all on any of this, or even sound willing to acknowledge that there might be another side to the story.

 

I would be really curious to hear his side of this, because the scenario that you've laid out is almost beyond belief. I mean, you claim that your friend is having all this financial difficulty, went to him, her boyfriend, who you said asked her to move in with him, asked him to share the grocery expenses due to her financial troubles, and he refused and wouldn't discuss it with her? And yet she still continues to buy his groceries...?

 

I just find it really hard to believe that he is just laying around on his butt leeching your friend's meager contribution to the household, forcing her to buy his brands and cook him dinner, and letting her wait on him hand and foot.

 

So, what does she see in him if he's so awful?

[Juventa2012]

What is your friend's explanation for why she has stayed with him for a year and then moved in with him?

 

You really do seem to be looking for the worst in this guy, and don't seem to be giving him the benefit of the doubt at all on any of this, or even sound willing to acknowledge that there might be another side to the story.

 

I would be really curious to hear his side of this, because the scenario that you've laid out is almost beyond belief. I mean, you claim that your friend is having all this financial difficulty, went to him, her boyfriend, who you said asked her to move in with him, asked him to share the grocery expenses due to her financial troubles, and he refused and wouldn't discuss it with her? And yet she still continues to buy his groceries...?

 

I just find it really hard to believe that he is just laying around on his butt leeching your friend's meager contribution to the household, forcing her to buy his brands and cook him dinner, and letting her wait on him hand and foot.

 

So, what does she see in him if he's so awful?

 

To clarify. She didn't go to him and cried about her finances before she moved in with him. She was only paying $300 rent beforehand (plus her personal expenses)

I honestly don't think she communicated her situation clearly with him. That's what I think happened and she didn't think that the agreement that they had was unreasonable. After she moved in and she saw how much she was spending on groceries, (she underestimates) She then asked if he could help out. He didn't avoid talking to her, he just didn't think he should pay for groceries. Yes, and I agree there are two sides to every story.

 

My boyfriend and I have gone out with them a few times. I've seen how he reacts to the check when it's brought to the table. He is one of those people that whips out a calculator to make sure everything is divided equally to the penny. Petty, I know, but that is how he is and no one can change him.

 

Let's just say that his true colors didn't come out until she moved in. He was generous before she moved in with her. It wasn't like this before. She just thought he was frugal I guess. Some people are just clouded by love, I don't know what to make of it other than she fell hard for him.

 

Why would he be laying around on his butt and still make about 100K. LOL! Sorry just making a joke....he works obviously.

[emva07]

I don't understand why he is above buying groceries. He eats from all the groceries she buys with her money right ?

 

are the groceries on her bc she pays less than half in rent or something ?

 

She would've saved herself a lot more money living alone.

Edited October 24, 2013 by emva07

[Juventa2012]

I don't understand why he is above buying groceries. He eats from all the groceries she buys with her money right ?

 

are the groceries on her bc she pays less than half in rent or something ?

 

She would've saved herself a lot more money living alone.

 

She pays half of his mortgage $500, plus her percentage of utilities.

Yes, he eats from all the groceries she buys with her money. My only reasoning for why he does not want to pay for groceries, is because he is a cheap skate and is using her for his benefit. I told her that. I also told her that he just doesn't care much about her, if he sees that she is tight on cash sometimes and won't offer to help a little until she gets back on her feet.

I said this in one of my previous posts. "This wouldn't be an issue if she was making more money" She is not the type to bitch about money if she is making enough to be comfortable.

[kiss_andmakeup]

She pays half of his mortgage $500, plus her percentage of utilities.

Yes, he eats from all the groceries she buys with her money. My only reasoning for why he does not want to pay for groceries, is because he is a cheap skate and is using her for his benefit. I told her that. I also told her that he just doesn't care much about her, if he sees that she is tight on cash sometimes and won't offer to help a little until she gets back on her feet.

I said this in one of my previous posts. "This wouldn't be an issue if she was making more money" She is not the type to bitch about money if she is making enough to be comfortable.

 

So overall, she is paying for more than half of their collective expenses, while he makes roughly 3 times her income. Yikes! That just seems crazy.

 

I didn't realize $500 was an even half of his mortgage; I assumed it was a smaller percentage, hence him expecting her to purchase groceries and etc. But if it's indeed half, there's no reason why he shouldn't be chipping in his half for the groceries, at bare minimum.

 

Something I'm curious about is whether they've discussed long-term desires such as marriage or a family. Does he want those things (with her)?

[Juventa2012]

So overall, she is paying for more than half of their collective expenses, while he makes roughly 3 times her income. Yikes! That just seems crazy.

 

I didn't realize $500 was an even half of his mortgage; I assumed it was a smaller percentage, hence him expecting her to purchase groceries and etc. But if it's indeed half, there's no reason why he shouldn't be chipping in his half for the groceries, at bare minimum.

 

Something I'm curious about is whether they've discussed long-term desires such as marriage or a family. Does he want those things (with her)?

 

 

That's the other issue that they have. It just may have to discussed in a new thread entirely, but she has told me that he's never discussed "marriage" and kids. Big red flag, if you ask me.

[Els]

Look, OP, I think several of us have already stated that the dude doesn't care about her and is quite obviously taking advantage of her.

 

But I'm not sure what exactly you're trying to do. You're arguing with strangers on the internet on 'your friend's behalf, and posting all these things about their financial quibbling.

 

Instead of doing all that, why don't you sit down with her for a heartfelt talk about what you think, and if she disagrees, well, she's an adult. We can't tell people what to do with their lives.

[KatZee]

If neither of them see marriage in the future, or EVER why is she paying half of his mortgage? She is essentially putting money into a pot paying off HIS DEBT and she will NEVER own, or have half of what she's putting the money in for.

 

He's getting a free ride having his mortgage handled, and in the end it's his house. Not their house. If they were renting I may be a bit more forgiving on the situation but your friend is wasting her money and her time here.

 

If she can afford $500 a month for housing, plus $400 in food, plus how many other hundreds for her own bills/utilities... then she CAN AFFORD a place to live on her own. It may not be a house, or a palace, but it would be better standing on her own two feet and only taking care of herself.

 

If this person really does bring in as much money as you say, then he'll have no problem paying his bills like a big boy all on his own.

 

I also don't get that if she's such a "strong woman" like you say, why she would tolerate staying with such a cheap prick, and basically catering to his a.ss and doing nothing about it? What does she expect to happen if she stays??

 

What is the pay off, or benefit to remaining with this person?

[melodymatters]

I actually had a BF ( the cheap pyscho I mentioned in my first post) who moved into MY condo in FL, and refused to pay ANYTHING as "It was my mortgage and I was going to be the one to recoup the money when I sold it". Also did not chip in on utilities or groceries.

 

I punch myself in the face when I think of how much time I wasted on that loser !

 

Hope your friend gets out quickly and finds a truly loving man !

[serial muse]

Look, OP, I think several of us have already stated that the dude doesn't care about her and is quite obviously taking advantage of her.

 

But I'm not sure what exactly you're trying to do. You're arguing with strangers on the internet on 'your friend's behalf, and posting all these things about their financial quibbling.

 

Instead of doing all that, why don't you sit down with her for a heartfelt talk about what you think, and if she disagrees, well, she's an adult. We can't tell people what to do with their lives.

 

I agree with this, and also this:

 

If neither of them see marriage in the future, or EVER why is she paying half of his mortgage? She is essentially putting money into a pot paying off HIS DEBT and she will NEVER own, or have half of what she's putting the money in for.

 

He's getting a free ride having his mortgage handled, and in the end it's his house. Not their house. If they were renting I may be a bit more forgiving on the situation but your friend is wasting her money and her time here.

 

If she can afford $500 a month for housing, plus $400 in food, plus how many other hundreds for her own bills/utilities... then she CAN AFFORD a place to live on her own. It may not be a house, or a palace, but it would be better standing on her own two feet and only taking care of herself.

 

If this person really does bring in as much money as you say, then he'll have no problem paying his bills like a big boy all on his own.

 

I also don't get that if she's such a "strong woman" like you say, why she would tolerate staying with such a cheap prick, and basically catering to his a.ss and doing nothing about it? What does she expect to happen if she stays??

 

What is the pay off, or benefit to remaining with this person?

 

Nickel-and-dimers are annoying and IMO it's a very unattractive quality. It does sound like she has the short end of the stick here. I don't know if that translates to him not caring about her, so much as this is part of who he is, and it may be rather unpleasant but them's the facts.

 

That said, though - now that she knows this, it's her responsibility to exit or to make a change that's more palatable to her. I see nothing wrong with coming up with her own budget, calculating out what she can afford to pay for groceries/dates in addition to her other bills, and then telling him flat-out, this is what I can afford for these joint expenses this month; anything over that and I'm sorry, I won't be able to join you on our date this week. She should also feel free to do her own laundry and leave him to do his own, IMO. He's a grown man; I'm sure he can handle that.

 

If those things are dealbreakers for him (e.g., her doing laundry is to him the price of him paying the condo fee, or whatever), then that's his line in the sand, and she'll have to take it from there. If she's really living beyond her means because she wants to live with him, and he's not sensitive to that, then, as an adult responsible for her own well-being, she needs to make the appropriate adjustments, up to and including exiting, stage right.

 

In other words, she really needs to get out of the loop of "if he would only just change" and focus on the here and now. This is how he is, here and now. Wishing things were different won't make them so. Either you figure out how to manage it, or you make yourself scarce.

Edited October 25, 2013 by serial muse