Author Juventa2012 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 The whole point of your thread was about money. I agree with you 100% that their relationship has no future. He is not treating her like he loves her or like she is going to be his future wife. That said, I don't think he's being a complete douche financially. He is not making her pay half -- maybe a third, if that. And she agreed to it! I do think your friend needs to get a backbone, though. Does she think this relationship is going to lead to marriage? Does she want to marry this guy? No, she doesn't think it's going to lead to marriage. His behavior has always been a bit questionable. She doesn't want to marry him. I don't even think marriage is on his mind either. My friend was just in a bad situation. She is not one to sit back and take it. She is just going through a rough patch in her life right now. And I just think she is clouded by love like Lollipopspot mentioned.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Good for him. Bitter are we? Your name says it all. 1
man_in_the_box Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I get it. You make your girlfriend pay for everything. Thank you for your opinion. If you read my first post you could've known that's not true. Anyway I'm done with this. someone who has to resort to personal attacks obviously doesn't have any real arguments anymore.
Els Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 This whole situation is really bizarre and makes no sense, the more I think about it. They had an agreement about what she would pay when she moved in. If he's changing it on her, then she needs to speak up, but he appears to think what's happening is fair. Why is there no communication going on between these two? Quoted for much truth. The fact that makes it even more bizarre is that this woman's 'friend' is the one posting intimate details about her supposed R and her income and her bf's, and every last detail of how those two split their bills... not 'her'. That, along with the title and the constant change/contradiction of facts... hrrrmm... Seriously, I think the only advice that applies to this situation now is to 'move along, folks'... 1
emva07 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) she should pay her share of the rent....then everything else should be bought individually, no more eating from each others' food, using each others' toothpaste, shampoo etc. That way the groceries aren't all on her. He will have to start buying his own, get seperate checks at restaurants. Movies, each buy separate tickets. That way neither him nor her are being "cheap" as they are paying for themselves. In most relationships, couples take turn paying on dates, but if this guy is going to complain about how expensive it is to pay for the whole date, have him pay for his own half of it and you pay yours. Cooking? Each cook for themselves....cleaning, schedule....laundry, he can do his own. So many people calling her entitled, seems like he is the entitled one here, having someone buy all of his groceries/toiletries and do all the chores as if she is the maid. Then again she is to blame too, after a few times of me going to the grocery store and noticing that I'm the one paying for someone to eat for free I'd tell them we should take turns paying for the groceries or just buy our own groceries . I mean to become rich you have to be thrifty....yes, but this guy is sucking from her so he can save. Edited October 23, 2013 by emva07 1
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Personally I can understand where the girl is coming from. Me and my partner also decided on using the "input by income" rule when it comes to finance. We don't want the partner with the lower income live in relative poverty while sharing our lives. This also includes working hours (set at 40 hours per week) and if one of us works below that, they make up for it by investing it in household activities or anything else that benefits the both of us. Then again neither of us has any significant income (yet) as were both just finished or close to finishing our studies. But objectively I say the guy is free to do with his money what he wants. You can't force a person to be fair. If the girl isn't happy with that and he doesn't want to agree to another settlement then too bad. Find another boyfriend who does want to accept a fair deal. Relationships are based on the willingness of both partners to make it a better thing for both of them - not by who perceives what the 'right' way to do things is and subsequently enforce that. And certainly not what nch of strangers on the internet think is 'fair'. Yes, I read your first post and it seems a bit contradicting. First you say that you "can understand where the girl is coming from" then you say that "you cant force a person to be fair" and that she should "find another boyfriend who does want to accept a fair deal" Who's side are you on? This isn't about a fair deal, is about him just treating her more like his girlfriend. HE comes off as cheap and money hungry! It seems to me that he gets upset if he has to spend any extra money on her and in my opinion, when are you in a relationship, in which you care for the other person, it really shouldn't have to be this complicated.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 My bitterness has nothing to do with money. But yes, good for him. No one should be forced do live a certain way just because someone else wants to force their perspective of life onto them. She was not forced to live with him, she chose it. If they were married, then I'd think differently. However, they are not. Please go back and re-read the entire post. No one was forcing anyone to live a certain way. Yes, she made a choice, but this is supposed to be a relationship where two people love each other, not a room mate situation and that is what is seemed to turn into.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Quoted for much truth. The fact that makes it even more bizarre is that this woman's 'friend' is the one posting intimate details about her supposed R and her income and her bf's, and every last detail of how those two split their bills... not 'her'. That, along with the title and the constant change/contradiction of facts... hrrrmm... Seriously, I think the only advice that applies to this situation now is to 'move along, folks'... These details are not so intimate and as I previously stated, my friend knew that I was going to post her situation on this site, so it was not secret to her.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 she should pay her share of the rent....then everything else should be bought individually, no more eating from each others' food, using each others' toothpaste, shampoo etc. That way the groceries aren't all on her. He will have to start buying his own, get seperate checks at restaurants. Movies, each buy separate tickets. That way neither him nor her are being "cheap" as they are paying for themselves. In most relationships, couples take turn paying on dates, but if this guy is going to complain about how expensive it is to pay for the whole date, have him pay for his own half of it and you pay yours. Cooking? Each cook for themselves....cleaning, schedule....laundry, he can do his own. So many people calling her entitled, seems like he is the entitled one here, having someone buy all of his groceries/toiletries and do all the chores as if she is the maid. Then again she is to blame too, after a few times of me going to the grocery store and noticing that I'm the one paying for someone to eat for free I'd tell them we should take turns paying for the groceries or just buy our own groceries . I mean to become rich you have to be thrifty....yes, but this guy is sucking from her so he can save. Then this wouldn't be a relationship with two that love and care about each other, it would just be a room mate situation. I showed my friend the thread and honestly, she just broke down and cried. I think that deep down she knew what was going on, but didn't want to admit it because she was clouded by love. This opened her eyes, even if it was a group of strangers giving their opinions on what they thought about her situation. She has a plan to find a job that pays a higher salary and is going to start looking for place so she get get out. 1
man_in_the_box Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Yes, I read your first post and it seems a bit contradicting. First you say that you "can understand where the girl is coming from" then you say that "you cant force a person to be fair" and that she should "find another boyfriend who does want to accept a fair deal" Who's side are you on? This isn't about a fair deal, is about him just treating her more like his girlfriend. HE comes off as cheap and money hungry! It seems to me that he gets upset if he has to spend any extra money on her and in my opinion, when are you in a relationship, in which you care for the other person, it really shouldn't have to be this complicated. Yes, it says we decided on sharing our costs equally - not I, not her but we together. If either one of us would have refused to cooperate than the disadvantaged partner can either accept the situation or decide that continuing with a partner who is obviously not willing to invest their fair share is not worth it. But that was before I knew they had made a settlement on the major finances and that the argument was about how money on dates was divided. I initially thought she all of a sudden got screwed over because he wouldn't pay for all shared costs but it appeared later that all the standard costs were all agreed on beforehand. Currently I lack the proper insight in the financial situation to judge. But in short: I'm all in favor for splitting costs by magnitude of income but it has to be a decision both parties want to comply with. If he really does not want to do that, then how are you going to enforce it? Isn't it much easier to accept that apparently you've caught a bad fish and move on? I love it when my girlfriend makes a sacrifice for me but I want her to do it out of her own free will - not because I forced her to do it. And I'm pretty sure she thinks the same about me.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Yes, it says we decided on sharing our costs equally - not I, not her but we together. If either one of us would have refused to cooperate than the disadvantaged partner can either accept the situation or decide that continuing with a partner who is obviously not willing to invest their fair share is not worth it. But that was before I knew they had made a settlement on the major finances and that the argument was about how money on dates was divided. I initially thought she all of a sudden got screwed over because he wouldn't pay for all shared costs but it appeared later that all the standard costs were all agreed on beforehand. Currently I lack the proper insight in the financial situation to judge. Her concern was that HE just didn't have any pity after she moved in. She spoke to him about maybe sharing the grocery expenses, and he was just reluctant to even say "ok babe, whatever you need until you get back on your feet" That to me is just wrong. Especially if he claimed that he cared about her. But in short: I'm all in favor for splitting costs by magnitude of income but it has to be a decision both parties want to comply with. If he really does not want to do that, then how are you going to enforce it? Isn't it much easier to accept that apparently you've caught a bad fish and move on? I love it when my girlfriend makes a sacrifice for me but I want her to do it out of her own free will - not because I forced her to do it. And I'm pretty sure she thinks the same about me. Yes, I agree that costs should be split by magnitude of income, but even if they did that, given her income, then I think she would be penniless. And my friend did make sacrifices for him. But honestly, I think that she is just dealing with a man that is selfish and doesn't want a future with her, therefore he is behaving accordingly.
man_in_the_box Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 So it was a bit like a financial bait and switch or something? Before moving in together there were no hints that she would be facing a monetary dilemma? Why did she move in at all if she knew she wasn't even going to be able to afford 500$/month rent, 400$/month life supplies and her own expenses? I also don't understand how she can end up broke in a hypothetical financial input based on magnitude of income. Me and my partner have much less to spend than 4k a month (what the girl were talking about makes herself) and we can manage. We live in a tiny place in not a great city to be but that's all we can afford. We've put a lot of thought into how we can manage before making this step. I agree it's pretty sad but if your partner can just stand by and watch you barely have your stuff together and not care then what's the point in staying with them? I definitely would stop going on dates directly. Screw that - personal well-being comes first.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 So it was a bit like a financial bait and switch or something? Before moving in together there were no hints that she would be facing a monetary dilemma? Why did she move in at all if she knew she wasn't even going to be able to afford 500$/month rent, 400$/month life supplies and her own expenses? I also don't understand how she can end up broke in a hypothetical financial input based on magnitude of income. Me and my partner have much less to spend than 4k a month (what the girl were talking about makes herself) and we can manage. We live in a tiny place in not a great city to be but that's all we can afford. We've put a lot of thought into how we can manage before making this step. I agree it's pretty sad but if your partner can just stand by and watch you barely have your stuff together and not care then what's the point in staying with them? I definitely would stop going on dates directly. Screw that - personal well-being comes first. Yes, that is I believe happened. It seemed like a bait and switch. I don't know, but I don't think $2000 a month is enough to even live off alone. $900 for rent and groceries (approx num) And utilities $300 (approx) her phone, commuting costs etc, doesn't leave much disposable income. I mean it just adds up. She didn't think she was going to be spending money on dates as well and believe me, she isn't a cheap person. She is very generous. If she were making more, this wouldn't be an issue.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) "Open-minded" people getting mad because other people live their life the way they want and to their benefit. People thinking they're entitled to things that don't belong to them. You're assumptions are wrong. "Things that don't belong to them" Really? What doesn't belong to her? I feel like you are making rude comments that people don't care to read. My friend NEVER thought she was entitled to anything. You fail to see that she thought her boyfriend cared and loved her and would at least be a little helpful, out of HIS own will. She doesn't demand it. Relationships are about give and take. She doesn't expect him to support her and take care of her. She can do that on her own. If you care to go back and re-read the thread, my friend is not a loser who needs someone to take care of her or feels "entitled" she is just going through a rough patch in her life. And her cheap, selfish boyfriend just doesn't care. I'm sorry, but I'm not getting mad because people are living their lives a certain way, that is their life. I just feel for my friend, and I hate to see her go through this. I'm human. I didn't think your bitterness came from money. Clearly this post hit a nerve with you deep within. Maybe you treated your girlfriend like a princess and spent a lot of money on her, and she left you for another guy. Edited October 23, 2013 by Juventa2012
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 While I don't think he's being a jerk/prick/douche, per say... I do echo clia in thinking he is not treating her as a future wife. And you know, he has every right and prerogative to act that way. But she also has the right to not stay. And she'd be wise not to if she is hoping for marriage, family, and a future on the horizon. My fiancé and I have a huge income disparity as he makes roughly 15x what I do. When I moved in, I casually mentioned the idea of me paying rent to him and he looked at me as if I were a crazy person. Just like when he says he feels bad that I do all the vacuuming, I look at him like he's a crazy person. People who love each other, and see a future with each other, want to take care of each other to the best of their ability. I am not referring to a man/woman putting him/her self in the poor house paying for gifts and bills they can't afford. But someone who makes a comfortable living typically wants to see the one they love and care about be comfortable, too. 1
Shaun-Dro Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Hi all, Posting for my girlfriend who is having live-in boyfriend problems. I've given her advice until I turned blue in the face, so I figured that maybe you guys can help me and maybe she could get a few more opinions and what to do about her situation. So here's her story--- She's been dating this guy for over a year. They get along great for the most part. They are both in their 30's She moved in with him about 4 months ago and has been struggling with money because she only brings home about $1000 every two weeks. He on the other hand makes about 100K a year! She keeps telling me that he treats her like a room mate and here is why. First he is charging her $500 rent/month. She also buys groceries, cooks and cleans. When they go on "date night" (about twice a month) She says he always complains about how much money he spent that night and that she feels like he expects her to at least pay for a few rounds of drinks or if he pays for dinner she pays for movie tickets. She says he has no shame in asking "I will get dinner and you get movie tickets?" I asked her how much she spends for groceries a month and she said about $400 because she also buys, shampoo, toothpaste, detergent etc... On top of her rent, she has her own living expenses, like phone, storage, dentist, commute and she says that after all that she cant afford to buy her personal stuff. Or treat herself to a manicure once in while. She says she has spoken to him, but he won't budge. He also doesn't believe that she makes that much money. I think the question here for you guys is....do you think its fair for her to pay rent and groceries, etc and cook and clean and spend extra money on date night? Thanks in advance. They should go Dutch once in a while, but since he's making all that bread, no doubt he should foot most of the bills. But in turn, she should do all of the domestic chores, no questions asked.
emva07 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Then this wouldn't be a relationship with two that love and care about each other, it would just be a room mate situation. I showed my friend the thread and honestly, she just broke down and cried. I think that deep down she knew what was going on, but didn't want to admit it because she was clouded by love. This opened her eyes, even if it was a group of strangers giving their opinions on what they thought about her situation. She has a plan to find a job that pays a higher salary and is going to start looking for place so she get get out. I agree but he's not dealing with it like a relationship so the least she can get from it is a fair deal out of it. He wants to be petty ? Two can play that game. He is capable f buying his own groceries at ****ing whole foods if he wanted to. He doesn't want to support her financially. That is more than ok. But why should she support HIM? 1
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 No, I'm a woman that is poor as ****, but I never ask for any handouts. If you say so.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 They should go Dutch once in a while, but since he's making all that bread, no doubt he should foot most of the bills. But in turn, she should do all of the domestic chores, no questions asked. That sounds good. But its not like that. She still does all of the housework, no questions asked.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 While I don't think he's being a jerk/prick/douche, per say... I do echo clia in thinking he is not treating her as a future wife. And you know, he has every right and prerogative to act that way. But she also has the right to not stay. And she'd be wise not to if she is hoping for marriage, family, and a future on the horizon. My fiancé and I have a huge income disparity as he makes roughly 15x what I do. When I moved in, I casually mentioned the idea of me paying rent to him and he looked at me as if I were a crazy person. Just like when he says he feels bad that I do all the vacuuming, I look at him like he's a crazy person. People who love each other, and see a future with each other, want to take care of each other to the best of their ability. I am not referring to a man/woman putting him/her self in the poor house paying for gifts and bills they can't afford. But someone who makes a comfortable living typically wants to see the one they love and care about be comfortable, too. Exactly! It's becoming increasingly clear to her that he doesn't love her.
Keenly Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Exactly! It's becoming increasingly clear to her that he doesn't love her. So what? What does this thread accomplish? The person with the problem sees none of this, and anyone you disagree with you say is wrong. Did you just make a thread so that you could feel good when people agree with you ? And so what if he doesn't love her? Its not your relationship to poke holes in.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 So what? What does this thread accomplish? The person with the problem sees none of this, and anyone you disagree with you say is wrong. Did you just make a thread so that you could feel good when people agree with you ? And so what if he doesn't love her? Its not your relationship to poke holes in. Hey, she is like a sister to me. The reason for the thread (if you go back and read my initial post) is just so she could read different opinions on her situation. I give her advice and it doesn't seem to sink in. This isn't about ME, its about my friend. So please don't go assuming that I started this to FEEL GOOD. Please! I have better things in my life that make me feel good. Maybe I'm just a caring person. She asked me for advice and she knows about this thread too.
Keenly Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Hey, she is like a sister to me. The reason for the thread (if you go back and read my initial post) is just so she could read different opinions on her situation. I give her advice and it doesn't seem to sink in. This isn't about ME, its about my friend. So please don't go assuming that I started this to FEEL GOOD. Please! I have better things in my life that make me feel good. Maybe I'm just a caring person. She asked me for advice and she knows about this thread too. You are contradicting yourself again, multiple times. " I give her advice but it doesn't seem to sink in " followed by " she asked me for advice " Then you have " this isn't about me" when clearly it is, because you already told her how you feel, and your friend took your advice and decided not to do anything with it. So instead of accepting her decision to stay, you took it a step further, and I know this mentality. I've seen it so many times before. Its one thing to give advice to your friend, but when your friend doesn't take your advice, you will not stop until you manipulate her into doing not what she wants, but what you want her to . You have said several times throughout the thread that you HAVE talked to her, you HAVE pointed all of this out, and she still hasn't changed it. That means that she heard you, but decided to go her own way, and you haven't accepted that part yet. It IS about you, because you haven't taken no for an answer.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 You are contradicting yourself again, multiple times. " I give her advice but it doesn't seem to sink in " followed by " she asked me for advice " Then you have " this isn't about me" when clearly it is, because you already told her how you feel, and your friend took your advice and decided not to do anything with it. So instead of accepting her decision to stay, you took it a step further, and I know this mentality. I've seen it so many times before. Its one thing to give advice to your friend, but when your friend doesn't take your advice, you will not stop until you manipulate her into doing not what she wants, but what you want her to . You have said several times throughout the thread that you HAVE talked to her, you HAVE pointed all of this out, and she still hasn't changed it. That means that she heard you, but decided to go her own way, and you haven't accepted that part yet. It IS about you, because you haven't taken no for an answer. Oh my goodness! I like how you are "analyzing" me. Thank you for caring! Are you lost in the thread? She read it! Accepted it. She is moving on. I'm not forcing her or manipulating her to do otherwise. We are friends, she is like my sister. We communicate ALL the time. She made her choice in the end. But I'm not going to give up on her (meaning, I will stand behind her choice) because she is ALONE here. If you don't like this thread because you kept saying "what's the point in this thread" then don't participate. Thank you!
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