Boyfriend treats me like a room mate!

[Copelandsanity]

How can he feel taken advantage of when she does EVERYTHING for him!

She pays rent without complaining. She cooks, cleans, grocery shops and does HIS laundry. She is supportive, caring, takes care of him when he is sick. She sometimes buys him gifts, and surprises him. (which I told her to stop doing) because he doesn't do that for her. On top of all this, she spends a good amount of money on dates. One time she mentioned that one night before they went out he says to her "do you have cash and credit card in your purse, because I don't want to spend a lot of money tonight" Clearly he started to take advantage of her when she moved in.

 

She thought that he genuinely cared for her, but I keep seeing that he doesn't and it seems like he is using her for his benefit. I told her that she needs to get out fast. She is just trying to save some money to do so.

 

If this is the case, she should leave. She has the freedom to do so and does not have to save money for it. She can get a room-share for less ($300 vs. $500) and not have to pay for groceries/household items ($200 vs. $400). Your friend will save much more money by moving out than by staying.

 

It just sounds like a case of not being financially compatible. She is in her 30s and is not self-sufficient - has to have a roommate or move in with family to maintain her finances. He's not a stupid guy. He knows that and staunchly does not want to her meal ticket. But that's also an issue he needs to work on as well, because his behavior takes it too far in the other direction.

[Juventa2012]

Has she actually said to him "I can't afford to buy all the groceries every month" or "I can't afford to buy a round of drinks on date night twice a month"? Why doesn't she just stop doing these things? Is he forcing her to do his laundry? Is he forcing her to cook? Buy a box of cereal and a jug of milk and tell him that's dinner tonight.

 

I previously posted where she did speak up and asked him to pitch in for the groceries and he exploded telling her that he didn't feel he needed to pay for that.

This whole situation is really bizarre and makes no sense, the more I think about it. They had an agreement about what she would pay when she moved in. If he's changing it on her, then she needs to speak up, but he appears to think what's happening is fair. Why is there no communication going on between these two?

 

 

 

But it is a financial agreement, and for whatever reason, he is being very cautious of being taken advantage of financially. He has not given any indication that he agreed to take care of her financially or to pick up the slack for her. (Did she ask him before she moved in with him?) I still think he is paying substantially more than she is for household expenses. I don't think she is paying anywhere close to 50%.

 

What does this matter if he ASKED her to move in with him? And if she is paying over $1000 of her monthly salary, then that is a significant amount. Over 50%. She is NOT looking to be taken care of, nor did she ask him or expects him to do so.

 

I don't think it's petty to expect her to pick up a couple rounds of drinks twice a month. Did she ever treat him before she moved in?

 

Yeah, she treated him to steak dinners, bought him gifts out of the blue, before they moved in and AFTER they moved in. And she doesn't just pay for a couple of rounds of drinks every time, sometimes its that, movie tickets and valet parking, etc.

 

Believe me, I'm all for men courting women and men paying on dates, but two years into a relationship there has to be more give and take. This "oh, treat me like a lady" and pay every single time we go out is a little crazy when you are a 30 something year old professional woman with a job.

 

I don't see why a professional woman with a job should ALWAYS have to pay even a dollar when her boyfriend takes her out on date. Especially if she treats him like a king. But that's just my opinion.

 

I don't understand why she moved in with him. Or why she started buying all the groceries. Or why she started doing his laundry and cleaning up after him. If she really believes she is being treated unfairly by him, then she should dump him and move out. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere, anyway.

 

The groceries was what was agreed initially. She just felt it should be a shared expense. Especially when she buys a particular toothpaste or laundry detergent because he uses a particular brand.

 

Maybe this is why he thought she made more money than she does?

 

Nope, he knew how much she made from the beginning and she was willing to show him proof of it.

[Copelandsanity]

Oh so you are basically saying that if you meet a woman who you have a deep connection with and you both hit it off great on kinds of levels, but if she makes a significant amount less than you do, or if she wasn't working towards it, you wouldn't date her? Some people are just victims of the recession and this sucky economy. This friend of mine, she NEVER complains to him about anything. And NEVER complains to him about how much she is struggling. She talks to me about this. She LOVES him and she will do anything for him. She does pull her own weight, is VERY attractive and a kind person. Women like her are hard to find.

She thought that he genuinely cared for her, but I keep seeing that he doesn't and it seems like he is using her for his benefit. I told her that she needs to get out fast. She is just trying to save some money to do so.

 

I don't care if she makes a significant amount less than I do. I care about ambition, being financially savvy and living below one's means. If a woman is not self-sufficient or working towards being that, that behavior in of itself is a turn-off. It's not my job to support a significant other if she has the intelligence and ability to do so herself. This is also important in marriage and having children. If I were to one day become crippled or die, I would like my wife to have the ability to be able to support the family in that case.

[Juventa2012]

If this is the case, she should leave. She has the freedom to do so and does not have to save money for it. She can get a room-share for less ($300 vs. $500) and not have to pay for groceries/household items ($200 vs. $400). Your friend will save much more money by moving out than by staying.

 

It just sounds like a case of not being financially compatible. She is in her 30s and is not self-sufficient - has to have a roommate or move in with family to maintain her finances. He's not a stupid guy. He knows that and staunchly does not want to her meal ticket. But that's also an issue he needs to work on as well, because his behavior takes it too far in the other direction.

 

I don't get this financially compatible bs! Sorry, just wanted to voice my opinion on this. Let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly. So are you saying that rich should date rich and middle class should date middle class? I just don't see how financial compatibility and love have to match.

 

I honestly don't think that men care about how much a woman makes and her salary is going to benefit him before he dates her.

[Keenly]

Just admit that you personally feel that a woman should be taken care of and pampered financially.

 

 

No ones saying there is anything wrong with that, but don't call it something else and don't deny it.

[Juventa2012]

I don't care if she makes a significant amount less than I do. I care about ambition, being financially savvy and living below one's means. If a woman is not self-sufficient or working towards being that, that behavior in of itself is a turn-off. It's not my job to support a significant other if she has the intelligence and ability to do so herself. This is also important in marriage and having children. If I were to one day become crippled or die, I would like my wife to have the ability to be able to support the family in that case.

 

All these things that you mentioned, IS my friend! She is financially saavy and ambitious and intelligent. She has goals that she wants to accomplish and is a hard working woman. She has a degree in Marketing and Business, but I just think times have been tough for her. She had an amazing job where she was making a significant amount of money but got laid off. She was working 2 jobs to try and make ends meet.

When she finally got another job after 2 years of looking, her salary decreased by about 20K. She is trying to put her life back on track and like someone else said, relationships are about give and take.

 

People keep assuming on here, that she wants to be taken care of. That is not the case at all. She is just looking for a little help here because I know that if she made what she was making before --this would not be an issue for her.

[Kate9292]

Just admit that you personally feel that a woman should be taken care of and pampered financially.

 

 

No ones saying there is anything wrong with that, but don't call it something else and don't deny it.

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao: Oh the irony of having just contradicted yourself:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/434255-boyfriend-treats-me-like-room-mate-5.html#post5290218

 

There you told me I'm "miss entitlement". Now you say "No ones saying there is anything wrong with that". Make up your mind already!

[Keenly]

:lmao::lmao::lmao: Oh the irony of having just contradicted yourself:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/434255-boyfriend-treats-me-like-room-mate-5.html#post5290218

 

There you told me I'm "miss entitlement". Now you say "No ones saying there is anything wrong with that". Make up your mind already!

 

There is no contradiction. I'm actually okay with a woman wanting that stuff, but she has to admit it. Im not okay when she hides behind chivalry or any other coward like argument to get what she wants.

Like when a man wants sex. Just tell her you want sex. Admit it. you'll probably get it anyway. Just don't lie and say you want a relationship in order to get it. Same applies with women that want to be taken care of. Admit it. To us. To yourself.

[Juventa2012]

Just admit that you personally feel that a woman should be taken care of and pampered financially.

 

 

No ones saying there is anything wrong with that, but don't call it something else and don't deny it.

 

I've never been taken care of by a man. I'm a very generous woman. I do know lots of women that are being taken care of by their boyfriends/husbands. All I say is good for them, but I hope that they have some sort of back up as far as finances because you never know what could happen.

My current boyfriend treats me with respect and does nice things for me as I do for him. But I've never asked him for money or to take care of me. One thing I can say is, I don't know any woman who will complain when a man wants to do nice things for them. But then, that is coming out of HIS own will.

[Copelandsanity]

I don't get this financially compatible bs! Sorry, just wanted to voice my opinion on this. Let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly. So are you saying that rich should date rich and middle class should date middle class? I just don't see how financial compatibility and love have to match.

 

I honestly don't think that men care about how much a woman makes and her salary is going to benefit him before he dates her.

 

Let me first say that if I were in a live-in relationship with your friend, I would be more understanding of her situation. I would probably not have her pay rent, and be appreciative of her buying the groceries, cooking, cleaning and paying for dates.

 

Think of it this way. If I were struggling to be able to pay for shared rent, shared utilities, paying for dates, and paying for groceries for 2, women would not tolerate this whatsoever.

 

Financial compatibility is important. It's not about what one makes, but about the values they have when it comes to money. There's already so many other aspects of a relationship to focus on. I prefer one of them not to be financial stress.

[Criticality]

I fail to see what the guy has done wrong in this scenario. Sure, he's a cheapskate,

 

And that's the biggest problem.

 

Did the girlfriend agree to the arrangement? Yes. When you're in love its not unusual to completely ignore the other persons flaws. (Or for that matter make bad financial decisions like expensive gifts or an unfair and inequitable share of expenses).

 

Splitting the expenses 50-50 isn't necessarily a bad decision either, assuming that the other is a halfway decent person and not a cheapskate. He can contribute more to the dates. And pay for the groceries twice a week, and let her pay once. Whatever.

 

The problem here is however, that the boyfriend isn't neither decent, fair or generous. At least not with her.

 

but You cannot just 'demand' from someone to conform to 'etiquette' rules. Cut your losses and move on if she feels he doesn't live up to her expectations. If he's crap then by all means get rid of him - but there's no way you are going to enforce something like this.

 

True. The trap has sprung. Until your friend realizes she's being treated pretty shabby, there's not much to do besides hoping that she gets the eh... ovaries to move out, and move up.

 

Though if you think it might help, I shall gladly give her a call and inform her that her boyfriend is being investigated by the dating police on several, serious charges, and that furthermore the Internet court of opinion has found him to be severely lacking, and a stingy miser too.

 

The ball is in her court anyways.

[Kate9292]

There is no contradiction. I'm actually okay with a woman wanting that stuff, but she has to admit it. Im not okay when she hides behind chivalry or any other coward like argument to get what she wants.

Like when a man wants sex. Just tell her you want sex. Admit it. you'll probably get it anyway. Just don't lie and say you want a relationship in order to get it. Same applies with women that want to be taken care of. Admit it. To us. To yourself.

 

And when we admit it, what we get? Being called entitled, spoiled, princesses, etc. Some boys can't handle what they are asking for...

[Juventa2012]

Let me first say that if I were in a live-in relationship with your friend, I would be more understanding of her situation. I would probably not have her pay rent, and be appreciative of her buying the groceries, cooking, cleaning and paying for dates.

 

Think of it this way. If I were struggling to be able to pay for shared rent, shared utilities, paying for dates, and paying for groceries for 2, women would not tolerate this whatsoever.

 

Financial compatibility is important. It's not about what one makes, but about the values they have when it comes to money. There's already so many other aspects of a relationship to focus on. I prefer one of them not to be financial stress.

 

I thought about this too. I told my friend that it clearly doesn't seem like he cares about her. Not because he's reluctant to helping her, just because I feel its a much deeper issue with him. I just don't think he wants a future with her and I've told her that. He is clearly exuding behavior that lacks sensitivity and caring and LOVE.

I'm going to do what I can to help her get out and back on her feet. She just needs to get rid of this selfish loser!

[Keenly]

And when we admit it, what we get? Being called entitled, spoiled, princesses, etc. Some boys can't handle what they are asking for...

 

Sounds like your problem. Maybe if you the women in these scenarios could take care of themselves, were more responsible and financially independent, problems like this wouldn't happen.

 

 

All I see is a bunch of women stomping their feet screaming " BUT ITS NOT FAIR!!!" Did I miss the the memo that said life was suddenly fair ?

 

You are taking all of the responsibility off of her and putting it on him, and it makes me sick to see such deflection.

 

You guys win, your right. She bears zero responsibility for her actions, its 100% his fault. He is wrong and evil and she is the victim in this horrible tragedy. She's being held against her will and is forced to clean and do chores, is forced to pay her portion. Can you guys beleove that!? The man is FORCING her to be an equal! What kind of heathenism is this ? What kind of world do we live in where people provide for themselves ?!

[clia]

I'm having trouble keeping the initial agreement straight.

 

She agreed to pay $500 rent?

She agreed to help out with the utilities?

She agreed to buy the groceries?

 

I previously posted where she did speak up and asked him to pitch in for the groceries and he exploded telling her that he didn't feel he needed to pay for that.

 

Probably because she agreed to cover them. He feels like she is going back on their agreement.

 

What does this matter if he ASKED her to move in with him? And if she is paying over $1000 of her monthly salary, then that is a significant amount. Over 50%. She is NOT looking to be taken care of, nor did she ask him or expects him to do so.

 

He asked her to move in and they had a financial arrangement that she now wants to change. My point is that he is paying far more than she is; this is not a 50/50 split. If his mortgage payment is $1,000 a month, she covers half. That does not include condo assessments, property tax, or homeowners insurance. He is likely contributing $1,000 a month to her $500 a month. He is not making her pay half of the housing costs. And who knows what she's contributing to the utilities. To him, it probably seems perfectly fair for her to buy up the groceries since he is paying so much more in the housing, and possibly even on the utilities.

 

But more importantly, this is what she agreed to do.

 

Yeah, she treated him to steak dinners, bought him gifts out of the blue, before they moved in and AFTER they moved in. And she doesn't just pay for a couple of rounds of drinks every time, sometimes its that, movie tickets and valet parking, etc.

 

This is all completely at odds with your point, though. She complains she can't afford a manicure, but is off buying steak dinners, gifts, valet parking, etc.? It makes no sense whatsoever. None. When she does things like this, it probably makes him question her pleas of poverty.

 

I don't see why a professional woman with a job should ALWAYS have to pay even a dollar when her boyfriend takes her out on date. Especially if she treats him like a king. But that's just my opinion.

 

I never said she should ALWAYS have to pay. But he shouldn't ALWAYS have to ALWAYS pay either. That's why he wants to pay sometimes and wants her to pay sometimes. This is exactly what I do with my boyfriend, by the way. We take turns paying for things.

 

The way I understood your post is that he was typically picking up the majority of the "date night" costs, i.e. dinner, and she was picking up something extra -- such as a few rounds of drinks ($30?), movie tickets ($30), or valet ($15?). And this is the only thing that wasn't specifically discussed or agreed upon before she moved in. But, if she was doing it before, I don't see why he would think she would stop doing it if she moved in with him, or why she would think he would suddenly start paying $100% toward nights out.

 

The groceries was what was agreed initially. She just felt it should be a shared expense. Especially when she buys a particular toothpaste or laundry detergent because he uses a particular brand.

 

She should stop buying his brands if it bothers her so much. Are his brands that much more expensive than hers? Again, I don't understand why she continues to do these things for him if she feels it is so unfair. This really sounds like buyer's remorse. I think she thought that if she moved in, the agreement would go out the window and he would pick up more of the finances.

[lollipopspot]

All I see is a bunch of women stomping their feet screaming " BUT ITS NOT FAIR!!!" Did I miss the the memo that said life was suddenly fair ?

 

I don't see the presented issue as one of having to do with life being fair or not. I see it more as kindness and generosity towards the person you're choosing to have a relationship with, especially when one person has much greater ability to do so financially. I don't think it's only women in this thread either who think the guy could be a bit less stingy with how he treats his partner.

 

Regardless, it's up to the OP's friend if she wants to stay.

[Criticality]

What kind of world do we live in where people provide for themselves ?!

 

I know! The entitlement of some people... My kid asked my earlier today if I could buy him some candy.

 

I know, right? What the tarnation?!?

 

Needless to say, I laughed at him, and told the little sponge to go get a job, and quit being dependent on people on his loved ones.

Just asking for stuff all the time will never give him the motivation to provide for himself! Or to pay me and his mother back the 53.823,50$ he owes us...

[Keenly]

I don't see the presented issue as one of having to do with life being fair or not. I see it more as kindness and generosity towards the person you're choosing to have a relationship with, especially when one person has much greater ability to do so financially. I don't think it's only women in this thread either who think the guy could be a bit less stingy with how he treats his partner.

 

Regardless, it's up to the OP's friend if she wants to stay.

 

I completely agree with you. But the fact of the matter is its his decision. Maybe he shows love and affection a different way than just giving her money ? Either way, its not even OPs problem . I'm seeing a buttinsky problem too.

 

 

Op If you have expressed your concerns to your friend, then its really not your business anymore. She can make her own decisions.

[Juventa2012]

I'm having trouble keeping the initial agreement straight.

 

She agreed to pay $500 rent?

She agreed to help out with the utilities?

She agreed to buy the groceries?

 

 

 

Probably because she agreed to cover them. He feels like she is going back on their agreement.

 

 

 

He asked her to move in and they had a financial arrangement that she now wants to change. My point is that he is paying far more than she is; this is not a 50/50 split. If his mortgage payment is $1,000 a month, she covers half. That does not include condo assessments, property tax, or homeowners insurance. He is likely contributing $1,000 a month to her $500 a month. He is not making her pay half of the housing costs. And who knows what she's contributing to the utilities. To him, it probably seems perfectly fair for her to buy up the groceries since he is paying so much more in the housing, and possibly even on the utilities.

 

But more importantly, this is what she agreed to do.

 

 

 

This is all completely at odds with your point, though. She complains she can't afford a manicure, but is off buying steak dinners, gifts, valet parking, etc.? It makes no sense whatsoever. None. When she does things like this, it probably makes him question her pleas of poverty.

 

 

 

I never said she should ALWAYS have to pay. But he shouldn't ALWAYS have to ALWAYS pay either. That's why he wants to pay sometimes and wants her to pay sometimes. This is exactly what I do with my boyfriend, by the way. We take turns paying for things.

 

The way I understood your post is that he was typically picking up the majority of the "date night" costs, i.e. dinner, and she was picking up something extra -- such as a few rounds of drinks ($30?), movie tickets ($30), or valet ($15?). And this is the only thing that wasn't specifically discussed or agreed upon before she moved in. But, if she was doing it before, I don't see why he would think she would stop doing it if she moved in with him, or why she would think he would suddenly start paying $100% toward nights out.

 

 

 

She should stop buying his brands if it bothers her so much. Are his brands that much more expensive than hers? Again, I don't understand why she continues to do these things for him if she feels it is so unfair. This really sounds like buyer's remorse. I think she thought that if she moved in, the agreement would go out the window and he would pick up more of the finances.

 

This is becoming too analytical on your part! Who cares at this point about money! She wasn't complaining that she was on the verge of poverty or that she was poor. She was struggling. Please go back and re-read my previous posts. Of course he's not making her pay half of housing costs, she would then really be penniless.

 

The argument here is really not about money. YES, they made and agreement, but agreements can be broken given certain circumstances. And YES, she PAID for a steak dinner once and treated him to a casual dinner ($40 total maybe) once in a while. NOT every week. And if she was doing it before she moved in it was probably because she had a little bit more disposable income.

 

You and your boyfriend situation is different. I don't know how much you make and how much your boyfriend makes, but your salaries are equal then that makes sense that you take turns.

 

This is not buyer's remorse. You're making my friend out to be someone that she is not. She never thought that once she moved in things would change. She just felt that when she communicated concerns to him he just didn't care. He is a picky, selfish, anal bastard. He demands her to cook what HE wants, will only use a certain kind of detergent and toothpaste. Once he made her go back and change the TIDE detergent from the Fresh Scent to Mountain Scent because he didn't like the smell.

She didn't, she told him if he wanted that scent that he should go back and exchange it.

[Keenly]

Well... the entire issue started around money. Clia is pointing out how the facts are obviously fudged since they can't be kept straight. First its about money, then its not about money. Which is it?

[Juventa2012]

I don't see the presented issue as one of having to do with life being fair or not. I see it more as kindness and generosity towards the person you're choosing to have a relationship with, especially when one person has much greater ability to do so financially. I don't think it's only women in this thread either who think the guy could be a bit less stingy with how he treats his partner.

 

Regardless, it's up to the OP's friend if she wants to stay.

 

 

I completely agree! Thank you! Yes, its about kindness and generosity towards the person you choose to have a RELATIONSHIP with. This is why I believe he my friends boyfriends doesn't care about her. He doesn't love her or is willing to be a little generously because HE wants to. She never demands or expects and she said that herself.

[lollipopspot]

Juventa -

 

I know it's really troublesome when someone you are good friends with is making decisions that you don't think are healthy for her.

 

Most people here agree with you that this is not a good relationship for her, if things are as you present. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with this guy, even if I made 10x more than he did and financial issues were no concern at all. He has some character issues that I don't like.

 

The question now is: what is she going to do about it, and what are you going to do about it?

 

If you have talked to her, and she doesn't want to listen or leave, then there isn't much you can do other than be supportive for when it's time. I don't know if it would be helpful to show her the thread or if she would feel you're too involved. Ultimately she's an adult and makes her own decisions. People get clouded by love. I wouldn't be surprised if she looks back in a few years and wonders how she managed to think this guy was a good catch. But she's not there yet. Just be supportive but don't push too hard. What would you want your friend to do, if they thought you were in a bad relationship, but you loved the guy?

[Juventa2012]

Well... the entire issue started around money. Clia is pointing out how the facts are obviously fudged since they can't be kept straight. First its about money, then its not about money. Which is it?

 

 

Of course money is involved. But that is not the main issue here. She never complained about paying rent. She never asked to be taken care of. She never said that HE should pay for everything and support her. I believe he DOES NOT care about her. Why he accepted her moving in is beyond me. I sort of feel like he saw it as a benefit for himself and she saw it differently.

Let's hypothetically assume that he agreed on sharing the grocery expense. That would only be about $200 on his part and if he paid for a few dates a few times a month that would only be about $150 a month. He's cheap remember so spending and extra $350 a month probably feels like $3050 to him!

 

MY take on this. He is a very selfish man. HE is definitely benefiting more than she is.

[Juventa2012]

Juventa -

 

I know it's really troublesome when someone you are good friends with is making decisions that you don't think are healthy for her.

 

Most people here agree with you that this is not a good relationship for her, if things are as you present. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with this guy, even if I made 10x more than he did and financial issues were no concern at all. He has some character issues that I don't like.

 

The question now is: what is she going to do about it, and what are you going to do about it?

 

If you have talked to her, and she doesn't want to listen or leave, then there isn't much you can do other than be supportive for when it's time. I don't know if it would be helpful to show her the thread or if she would feel you're too involved. Ultimately she's an adult and makes her own decisions. People get clouded by love. I wouldn't be surprised if she looks back in a few years and wonders how she managed to think this guy was a good catch. But she's not there yet. Just be supportive but don't push too hard. What would you want your friend to do, if they thought you were in a bad relationship, but you loved the guy?

 

Thank you Lollipopspot! My plan was to show her the thread, so she could read it for herself. I think that would help her a lot. She knows about me starting the thread. I would want her to start focusing on getting a job that pays more and maybe just communicating with him on where they stand.

I'm sure she will realize it sooner or later. She is a strong woman and has been through some hard times, but she always seems to overcome them and move forward. I will stand by her side and be there for her. That's all i can do for now.

[clia]

 

The whole point of your thread was about money.

 

I agree with you 100% that their relationship has no future. He is not treating her like he loves her or like she is going to be his future wife. That said, I don't think he's being a complete douche financially. He is not making her pay half -- maybe a third, if that. And she agreed to it!

 

I do think your friend needs to get a backbone, though. Does she think this relationship is going to lead to marriage? Does she want to marry this guy?