Boyfriend treats me like a room mate!

[Juventa2012]

I don’t see any indication in the original post that she is paying any of the utilities. I saw mention of $500 toward rent, $400 a month in groceries, plus HER personal expenses. That’s why I specifically asked who is paying the utilities. I totally agree with you that a household has more than just rent and groceries. I suspect this guy is paying a lot more than what we are being led to believe.

 

 

 

Yes, because then he would give some indication that he is planning a future with her. He isn’t doing that. He has no obligation at all to fully support her.

 

 

 

So she agreed to it. What’s the problem then?

 

 

 

I wasn’t under the impression that he was asking her to pay for everything on date night, only to chip in for the popcorn or to buy a couple of rounds of drinks.

 

 

 

So how much is his mortgage total? More than $500? How much is HE paying in utilities each month? Is she paying anything toward cable, Internet, water, electricity, gas, association fees, or other costs of owning a home? Because honestly, $500 a month rent sounds like a bargain to me.

 

How was she managing before she moved in with him?

 

She is also helping to pay for electricity, cable, gas etc. She also has her own expenses. She didn't tell me how much that totaled. I guess her issue was that she just wanted groceries to be a shared expense. She wants to save money to move out. If you go back and re-read my post, she has no family in the states.

He doesn't just expect her or ask her to pay for pop corn and few rounds of drinks. He expects her ALWAYS pay when they go out on dates. That doesn't make her his girlfriend in my opinion.

[Criticality]

Yep, he asked to see her paycheck stubs, because he didn't believe she made that amount of money. I asked her about her salary. She makes 40K a year! After taxes, and insurance that's about $26K take home a year.

HE isn't just taking advantage of her! He has never spoken of a future with her! SHE needs to leave!

 

Well, here's a problem.

 

You aren't being honest about the income figures. You are clearly overstating his and understanding hers.

 

When you opened the thread, you said she made $1000 every couple weeks. You then proceeded to say he made $100K per year.

 

Notice how you used manipulation tactics to attempt to fool readers into thinking he made more than he really does and she made less than she really does? We notice that too.

 

Let's go through this little manipulation you have going on.

 

Sorry, don't see any manipulation...

OP said her friend makes 2000$ a month take home pay, that's 24.000 a year.

Whether her boyfriend makes exactly 2-3-4 or 5 times more than her, is beside the point.

 

He still makes much more than she does, yet insist they pay the same amount. (Whether its just twice as much or five times just makes it worse. Doesn't change that its a s****y way to treat your friend, let alone your girlfriend)

 

Again, im a guy and its not about gender, its about fairness.

Its only fair that contribution is tied to income. Which is why we pay taxes as a percentage, rather than let everyone pay 20K a year, no matter if you earn 28K a year or 80K.

 

That he on top of that demands that dates are split equally and complains about spending money on her only makes his initial douchebaggery worse. And more stingy.

 

OP: If she doesn't want to dump this sponge, she start charging him 300$ an hour for sex, as he has made it perfectly clear that their arrangement is mainly a partnership for financial reasons of sorts, and that he doesn't care that much about her.

[Juventa2012]

Look, I agreed with you and posted as such.

 

I'm a fair, balanced person and do feel the need to point out when someone is lying or putting a spin on something to exaggerate the situation to suit their point of view.

 

You fudged the numbers. You know you did...and like any person who has no valid argument for getting caught doing something wrong, you try to bully your way out of it with attacks like, "you have too much time on your hands" or "get a life"

 

Bullying doesn't work on me. Sorry.

 

What you don't get is that I don't have a reason to lie or exaggerate any situation. This is my friends life, not mine. I originally stated that I just wanted to get other people view/opinions on her situation because as much advice as I gave her, it just didn't seem to sink in. That is beyond my control.

Who cares about numbers. That wasn't what it was about. If you go a back and re-read without analyzing the situation then you would see that the only thing that she wanted was for him to pitch in for groceries, help out with household chores and pay for date night about twice month.

 

I don't appreciate you calling me a bully. I was just defending myself.

[Juventa2012]

Sorry, don't see any manipulation...

OP said her friend makes 2000$ a month take home pay, that's 24.000 a year.

Whether her boyfriend makes exactly 2-3-4 or 5 times more than her, is beside the point.

 

He still makes much more than she does, yet insist they pay the same amount. (Whether its just twice as much or five times just makes it worse. Doesn't change that its a s****y way to treat your friend, let alone your girlfriend)

 

Again, im a guy and its not about gender, its about fairness.

Its only fair that contribution is tied to income. Which is why we pay taxes as a percentage, rather than let everyone pay 20K a year, no matter if you earn 28K a year or 80K.

 

That he on top of that demands that dates are split equally and complains about spending money on her only makes his initial douchebaggery worse. And more stingy.

 

OP: If she doesn't want to dump this sponge, she start charging him 300$ an hour for sex, as he has made it perfectly clear that their arrangement is mainly a partnership for financial reasons of sorts, and that he doesn't care that much about her.

 

Thank you Criticalityy! I agree and you see my point exactly! This was never about numbers. And she is not looking to be taken care of.

[Kate9292]

Oh my word, a woman was asked to pay a fair share when moving into a mans house ?

 

 

How is that bad exactly. I fail to see how being treated as an equal means he is some how treating her bad.

 

 

All I'm hearing is " because he worked so hard to be able to make as much as he does , he is obligated to share , give, and spoil his girlfriend "

 

A woman should feel like a lady and not some random guy room mate. Of course she should be treated. If you didn't know this yet, no wonder you have hard time with girls...

 

If my bf was acting like this, I'd give him a cold stare and he'd quickly forget about it. Smart guy

[Criticality]

Wait... He owns the condo? Does he perchance share his tax writeoff with her? Thats a pretty solid tax deduction right there, though that's probably something completely different in his eyes, and has nothing to do with saving a bu-eh I mean being paying your fair share.

[Juventa2012]

Wait... He owns the condo? Does he perchance share his tax writeoff with her? Thats a pretty solid tax deduction right there, though that's probably something completely different in his eyes, and has nothing to do with saving a bu-eh I mean being paying your fair share.

 

Yes, he does. I guess she is contributing to his mortgage right? I don't know about him sharing his tax write off with her. She's only been living there since July. Yeah, HE is pretty cheap. I've met him and I remember him saying in conversation "I hate it when people call me cheap" Hmmmm. I wonder why. I think he picks and chooses when and where he wants to spend his money. He's probably not cheap when it comes to his needs! LOL!

[clia]

She is also helping to pay for electricity, cable, gas etc. She also has her own expenses. She didn't tell me how much that totaled.

 

You didn’t mention any of this in the original post. Regardless, it still does not offer any perspective into how much he is paying toward the household versus how much she is paying for us to give any opinion into whether or not it is “fair.”

 

For example, I sincerely doubt that his entire house payment + monthly condo association fees + property tax + homeowner’s insurance = $500 a month. I suspect he is contributing at least double, if not triple, what he is charging her for rent. And we have no idea what she is contributing in terms of the utilities, whether it’s half or a third or what. But, this does not sound like it’s a 50/50 arrangement to me. I think he is contributing far more than you are being led to believe.

 

I guess her issue was that she just wanted groceries to be a shared expense. She wants to save money to move out. If you go back and re-read my post, she has no family in the states.

 

If she believes groceries should be a shared expense, she needs to tell him and/or stop buying his groceries. But she shouldn’t be surprised if he says “Okay, then X, Y, and Z should also be shared expenses. Here is the total of what this house and all of the utilities and upkeep is costing me.” I think he is letting her pay the groceries because he is picking up a lot of other expenses. Maybe she should sit down with him and go through the monthly budget and then decide whether or not he is being cheap.

 

How was she supporting herself before she moved in with him? $500 a month in rent seems so low to me. Were her rent and expenses that much cheaper before?

 

He doesn't just expect her or ask her to pay for pop corn and few rounds of drinks. He expects her ALWAYS pay when they go out on dates.

 

This isn’t what you said in the original post:

 

When they go on "date night" (about twice a month) She says he always complains about how much money he spent that night and that she feels like he expects her to at least pay for a few rounds of drinks or if he pays for dinner she pays for movie tickets. She says he has no shame in asking "I will get dinner and you get movie tickets?"

 

This reads that he just wants her to contribute something, not the entire night. She should just tell him she cannot afford to go out with him on date night if he wants her to contribute anything financially. End of story. They can sit home on the couch and watch cable TV together.

 

That doesn't make her his girlfriend in my opinion.

 

I agree, but it sounds like she agreed to this arrangement.

[man_in_the_box]

Um! The fact that he was going to EXPECT her to also pitch in for dates and such was not discussed. That's extra money that she can't afford to spend.

 

But the groceries and general maintenance stuff was also discussed beforehand?

 

This is getting a lot more obscure quickly.

[Juventa2012]

You didn’t mention any of this in the original post. Regardless, it still does not offer any perspective into how much he is paying toward the household versus how much she is paying for us to give any opinion into whether or not it is “fair.”

 

For example, I sincerely doubt that his entire house payment + monthly condo association fees + property tax + homeowner’s insurance = $500 a month. I suspect he is contributing at least double, if not triple, what he is charging her for rent. And we have no idea what she is contributing in terms of the utilities, whether it’s half or a third or what. But, this does not sound like it’s a 50/50 arrangement to me. I think he is contributing far more than you are being led to believe.

 

 

 

If she believes groceries should be a shared expense, she needs to tell him and/or stop buying his groceries. But she shouldn’t be surprised if he says “Okay, then X, Y, and Z should also be shared expenses. Here is the total of what this house and all of the utilities and upkeep is costing me.” I think he is letting her pay the groceries because he is picking up a lot of other expenses. Maybe she should sit down with him and go through the monthly budget and then decide whether or not he is being cheap.

 

How was she supporting herself before she moved in with him? $500 a month in rent seems so low to me. Were her rent and expenses that much cheaper before?

 

 

 

This isn’t what you said in the original post:

 

 

 

This reads that he just wants her to contribute something, not the entire night. She should just tell him she cannot afford to go out with him on date night if he wants her to contribute anything financially. End of story. They can sit home on the couch and watch cable TV together.

 

 

 

I agree, but it sounds like she agreed to this arrangement.

 

As far as what she told me, I think his mortgage is about $1000. The agreement was that she pay $500 for rent, plus help out with the utilities and such. And she is also responsible for buying groceries, toothpaste etc. Yes, she did talk to him about needing help for the groceries but he got upset with her and that became an argument. He never asked her to be his room mate.

He refers to her as his girlfriend and introduces her as such. But the issue here is not money, no matter how much his house payment and other things are. The issue here is that she just wants help with the groceries and will pay him the $500 rent that he is asking for. I believe he just doesn't respect her overall. She cooks and cleans and does HIS laundry and he still expects her to spend money on date night? C'mon he can't do anything nice for her a few times a month without asking her to contribute to that too? That's a douchebag right there for you.

 

As far as date night, that was just an example. Even if she bought the movie tickets and he paid for dinner, she said she would actually spend a lot more on date night. Money that she couldn't afford to spend. She wants to be able to save to move out. Yes, he is cheap. If he can sit there and COMPLAIN in the few times a month that they go out ---then he is cheap. He even sometimes asks for money when they go out, claiming he doesn't have cash. Oh and btw. He doesn't have a car payment. Its paid for.

 

What will she do if he decides to kick her out? Of course she has me, but she eventually wants her own place.

[Keenly]

A woman should feel like a lady and not some random guy room mate. Of course she should be treated. If you didn't know this yet, no wonder you have hard time with girls...

 

If my bf was acting like this, I'd give him a cold stare and he'd quickly forget about it. Smart guy

 

Hello miss entitlement.

 

 

For the record, my problems with women stem from not meeting them, not from dating them. Nice try though.

[Juventa2012]

You didn’t mention any of this in the original post. Regardless, it still does not offer any perspective into how much he is paying toward the household versus how much she is paying for us to give any opinion into whether or not it is “fair.”

 

For example, I sincerely doubt that his entire house payment + monthly condo association fees + property tax + homeowner’s insurance = $500 a month. I suspect he is contributing at least double, if not triple, what he is charging her for rent. And we have no idea what she is contributing in terms of the utilities, whether it’s half or a third or what. But, this does not sound like it’s a 50/50 arrangement to me. I think he is contributing far more than you are being led to believe.

 

 

 

 

 

If she believes groceries should be a shared expense, she needs to tell him and/or stop buying his groceries. But she shouldn’t be surprised if he says “Okay, then X, Y, and Z should also be shared expenses. Here is the total of what this house and all of the utilities and upkeep is costing me.” I think he is letting her pay the groceries because he is picking up a lot of other expenses. Maybe she should sit down with him and go through the monthly budget and then decide whether or not he is being cheap.

 

How was she supporting herself before she moved in with him? $500 a month in rent seems so low to me. Were her rent and expenses that much cheaper before?

 

 

 

This isn’t what you said in the original post:

 

 

 

This reads that he just wants her to contribute something, not the entire night. She should just tell him she cannot afford to go out with him on date night if he wants her to contribute anything financially. End of story. They can sit home on the couch and watch cable TV together.

 

 

 

I agree, but it sounds like she agreed to this arrangement.

 

Like one other guy posted.. This is not a financial agreement, this is supposed to be a relationship. If a man is going to start with pettiness and knit picking on his girlfriend who is a hard working woman and tremendously giving, caring, supportive, then its not a relationship. She had a room mate before she moved in with him. She says she was only paying $300 rent prior to moving in with him.

I actually told her that maybe she should find another job that pays more. She does have many years experience and is good as what she does.

[Juventa2012]

But the groceries and general maintenance stuff was also discussed beforehand?

 

This is getting a lot more obscure quickly.

 

Exactly! Groceries and utilities! Not DATES! What boyfriend says "Oh by the way, my lovely girlfriend, when we go out on dates, you need to fork out money too!"

[Keenly]

Like one other guy posted.. This is not a financial agreement, this is supposed to be a relationship. If a man is going to start with pettiness and knit picking on his girlfriend who is a hard working woman and tremendously giving, caring, supportive, then its not a relationship. She had a room mate before she moved in with him. She says she was only paying $300 rent prior to moving in with him.

I actually told her that maybe she should find another job that pays more. She does have many years experience and is good as what she does.

 

 

I really don't even have words. Moving in together IS a financial agreement.

 

Maybe your friend should work harder instead of expecting a man to pay for her.

[Juventa2012]

I really don't even have words. Moving in together IS a financial agreement.

 

Maybe your friend should work harder instead of expecting a man to pay for her.

 

Any couples out there that have moved in together and signed a Financial Agreement? Would like to hear their opinions on this.

She never EXPECTED him to pay for her. She just wants to be treated like a a lady and the kind girlfriend that she is.

If moving in together is a Financial Agreement, then men should start paying their girlfriend for sex and maid service!

[man_in_the_box]

Exactly! Groceries and utilities! Not DATES! What boyfriend says "Oh by the way, my lovely girlfriend, when we go out on dates, you need to fork out money too!"

 

I fail to see what the guy has done wrong in this scenario. Sure, he's a cheapskate, but there were no settlements on these expenses. You cannot just 'demand' from someone to conform to 'etiquette' rules. Cut your losses and move on if she feels he doesn't live up to her expectations. If he's crap then by all means get rid of him - but there's no way you are going to enforce something like this.

[Keenly]

Any couples out there that have moved in together and signed a Financial Agreement? Would like to hear their opinions on this.

She never EXPECTED him to pay for her. She just wants to be treated like a a lady and the kind girlfriend that she is.

If moving in together is a Financial Agreement, then men should start paying their girlfriend for sex and maid service!

 

I have no idea what world you live in. Moving in together is a financial agreement. A big one too.

 

 

You ladies are taking the " man pays on a date " rule, and your stretching it out to one year j to the relationship, the man should pay room and board and for food and her car and get car insurance and blah blah blah just because he has money.

 

 

It his money. He will do what he wants with it. If your friend doesn't like it she can leave. She gets no say over his finances.

[Juventa2012]

I know I'm coming in late to the conversation, but as a self sufficient woman, I wouldn't move in with a man and not expect there to be some sort of financial arrangement. That would have been all sorted out prior to moving in, or he moving in with me. They're not "dating" they are living together and that has responsibilities for both parties.

 

My question is; if she feels so taken advantage of, why does she stay? I'm guessing because she has a place to live and all of her basic needs are being met. He probably feels a tad taken advantage of.

 

Please go back and re-read the entire post. Ahh! What people do for love! I just don't think she feels taken advantage of, I think its more about her being appreciated. She has no place to go and no family in the state. What's the hurt in her asking for a little help or break here? Oh you mean HE is getting his needs met? She pays him rent, etc., is the one that cooks, cleans, buys groceries, does laundry etc. Idk. I thought when a guys asks a girl that he is dating to move in with him, its a step in the right direction. Even when things were discussed right up front, she didn't expect for him to act like a cheapskate.

[Juventa2012]

I have no idea what world you live in. Moving in together is a financial agreement. A big one too.

 

 

You ladies are taking the " man pays on a date " rule, and your stretching it out to one year j to the relationship, the man should pay room and board and for food and her car and get car insurance and blah blah blah just because he has money.

 

 

It his money. He will do what he wants with it. If your friend doesn't like it she can leave. She gets no say over his finances.

 

Did you re-read the entire post? I never said she wants to be taken care of! YES he does have money, but she is not a gold digger! She doesn't want him to pay for her car, room and board and insurance.

[Juventa2012]

I fail to see what the guy has done wrong in this scenario. Sure, he's a cheapskate, but there were no settlements on these expenses. You cannot just 'demand' from someone to conform to 'etiquette' rules. Cut your losses and move on if she feels he doesn't live up to her expectations. If he's crap then by all means get rid of him - but there's no way you are going to enforce something like this.

 

I get it. You make your girlfriend pay for everything. Thank you for your opinion.

[Copelandsanity]

I know I'm coming in late to the conversation, but as a self sufficient woman, I wouldn't move in with a man and not expect there to be some sort of financial arrangement. That would have been all sorted out prior to moving in, or he moving in with me. They're not "dating" they are living together and that has responsibilities for both parties.

 

My question is; if she feels so taken advantage of, why does she stay? I'm guessing because she has a place to live and all of her basic needs are being met. He probably feels a tad taken advantage of.

 

He does seem like a cheap and less than generous guy, but there is a chance that he might also feel taken advantage of, too. We don't know his side of the story. Usually, if a guy acts like that, he's either a cheap bastard or he feels that she isn't giving her fair share overall.

 

I know I've personally felt that someone I was seeing wasn't contributing enough - a combination of money and effort - and I dumped her. This is why I only enter into relationships with women who have the same financial values, and can easily pull their own weight financially or are working towards that. It just makes for a much easier dynamic in that we don't have to worry about financial stress or incompatibility.

[Keenly]

I get it. You make your girlfriend pay for everything. Thank you for your opinion.

 

That's not what he said.

 

I don't know why you are thanking him. You completely disregarded his opinion because it didn't validate yours.

[Juventa2012]

He does seem like a cheap and less than generous guy, but there is a chance that he might also feel taken advantage of, too. We don't know his side of the story. Usually, if a guy acts like that, he's either a cheap bastard or he feels that she isn't giving her fair share overall.

 

I know I've personally felt that someone I was seeing wasn't contributing enough - a combination of money and effort - and I dumped her. This is why I only enter into relationships with women who have the same financial values, and can easily pull their own weight financially or are working towards that. It just makes for a much easier dynamic in that we don't have to worry about financial stress or incompatibility.

 

How can he feel taken advantage of when she does EVERYTHING for him!

She pays rent without complaining. She cooks, cleans, grocery shops and does HIS laundry. She is supportive, caring, takes care of him when he is sick. She sometimes buys him gifts, and surprises him. (which I told her to stop doing) because he doesn't do that for her. On top of all this, she spends a good amount of money on dates. One time she mentioned that one night before they went out he says to her "do you have cash and credit card in your purse, because I don't want to spend a lot of money tonight" Clearly he started to take advantage of her when she moved in.

 

Oh so you are basically saying that if you meet a woman who you have a deep connection with and you both hit it off great on kinds of levels, but if she makes a significant amount less than you do, or if she wasn't working towards it, you wouldn't date her? Some people are just victims of the recession and this sucky economy. This friend of mine, she NEVER complains to him about anything. And NEVER complains to him about how much she is struggling. She talks to me about this. She LOVES him and she will do anything for him. She does pull her own weight, is VERY attractive and a kind person. Women like her are hard to find.

She thought that he genuinely cared for her, but I keep seeing that he doesn't and it seems like he is using her for his benefit. I told her that she needs to get out fast. She is just trying to save some money to do so.

Edited October 22, 2013 by Juventa2012

[clia]

Has she actually said to him "I can't afford to buy all the groceries every month" or "I can't afford to buy a round of drinks on date night twice a month"? Why doesn't she just stop doing these things? Is he forcing her to do his laundry? Is he forcing her to cook? Buy a box of cereal and a jug of milk and tell him that's dinner tonight.

 

This whole situation is really bizarre and makes no sense, the more I think about it. They had an agreement about what she would pay when she moved in. If he's changing it on her, then she needs to speak up, but he appears to think what's happening is fair. Why is there no communication going on between these two?

 

Like one other guy posted.. This is not a financial agreement, this is supposed to be a relationship.

 

But it is a financial agreement, and for whatever reason, he is being very cautious of being taken advantage of financially. He has not given any indication that he agreed to take care of her financially or to pick up the slack for her. (Did she ask him before she moved in with him?) I still think he is paying substantially more than she is for household expenses. I don't think she is paying anywhere close to 50%.

 

If a man is going to start with pettiness and knit picking on his girlfriend who is a hard working woman and tremendously giving, caring, supportive, then its not a relationship.

 

I don't think it's petty to expect her to pick up a couple rounds of drinks twice a month. Did she ever treat him before she moved in?

 

Believe me, I'm all for men courting women and men paying on dates, but two years into a relationship there has to be more give and take. This "oh, treat me like a lady" and pay every single time we go out is a little crazy when you are a 30 something year old professional woman with a job.

 

She had a room mate before she moved in with him. She says she was only paying $300 rent prior to moving in with him.

 

I don't understand why she moved in with him. Or why she started buying all the groceries. Or why she started doing his laundry and cleaning up after him. If she really believes she is being treated unfairly by him, then she should dump him and move out. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere, anyway.

 

I actually told her that maybe she should find another job that pays more. She does have many years experience and is good as what she does.

 

Maybe this is why he thought she made more money than she does?

[Keenly]

From your last post I've established that she does not communicate her concerns with her partner, yet still expects them to get fixed.

 

Also, that love and caring for some one equals money.

 

That's what you said.