Crushedjustcrushed Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) Ok, I've been doing some OLD after a particularly devastating breakup back in may. Oh, excuse the typos, I'm on my laptop and dont have much time so I'm banging this out as quick as possible. So, I've went out and met several women from OLD this summer. I'm 44, no kids, educated, have a professional, stable job, never married, no kids. I'm looking for someone similarly situated. A stable job, little to no drama, educate (ie, college), and that is attractibve to me, and that i'm attracted to. I've seen several women who were kind of seriously lacking in one or all of those areas. I mean, the OLD is about 99% trainwrecks, as far as I can tell. But I met one this weekend for dinner and drinks that seems to be a good fit. Best "total" fit I've come across (she's the only one in about 10 or so I've met this summer). We had dinner and drinks for 3 hours on friday. I had mentioned before we met, I go this halloween party every year (its this saturday), and asked if she'd like to go. She said sure. Then we met for dinner friday, and kidn of talked about the party and she was going to have to leave early, she has a big day with her grandma on sunday, so she was going to have to leave early, but seemed interested. I dunno. I suck at reading women, so maybe she was prepping me for the blow-off. Anyway, so, I get this text about an hour ago. She now says she has some training for work on saturday (previously she didn't have to work at all), and didn't want to be worn out for her sunday with grandma (they are going about 4 hours away to a pro football game - grandma is a big fan). So she said she doesn't think she can make it, and hopes I'm not terribly upset. heres the acutal message: would you be terribly upset if i ddn't maake it to the party on saturday? My manager scheduled me for a training session saturday morning and didn't tell me until today. She is an unorganized and difficult person. not sure what time it will be over and i'm leaving for the game with grandma sunday. I don't want to be exhausted and miserable all day with grandma. im not a big texter. In fact I hate it. I have learned in asbout the last year that its necessary in todays dating world, even for 44 year olds. I've learned a few things, like I don't have to respond immediately. So, I got this text about an hour ago, and that I shoujld probably take my time and figure out a response. So, how do I respond? I don't want to sound too desperate, but do want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's not giving me the blow off. Edited October 21, 2013 by Crushedjustcrushed
CptSaveAho Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 dont respond or respond with "gay" (for humor/fun) if you are just looking to have sex with this train wreck
Author Crushedjustcrushed Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Uh the point is, this one isn't a train wreck. She seems fairly normal, especially compared to the parade of idiots I've met in the last few months. And I'm not looking to just have sex with her. I'm looking for serious long term stuff.
CptSaveAho Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 then dont respond if shes interested (and not a loser) she will reschedule 1
Mascara Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 You say "that's too bad, it's going to be a fun night! But I understand - how about we schedule something for next weekend instead. Are you free Saturday evening?" 11
mammasita Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 You say "that's too bad, it's going to be a fun night! But I understand - how about we schedule something for next weekend instead. Are you free Saturday evening?" Exactly this. If she's interested she will jump at the chance to reschedule, if not she will dilly dally and blow you off a bit more and you will have your answer. 3
Mascara Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Exactly. But you've kept it light, let her know that you're still going to have a good time, and made a definite plan for an alternative. Ball in her court.
Author Crushedjustcrushed Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 I went with: No problem. I understand completely. We can meet up another time. I figured that puts it back in her court completely. My rule is (after a bunch of flake outs these past few months), you cancel, you make the next plans. 1
Zahara Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 dont respond or respond with "gay" (for humor/fun) if you are just looking to have sex with this train wreck Not sure what she's done to indicate she's an extreme in terms of being a "train wreck" but in any case, OP you responded perfectly. Yes, if she canceled, let her be the one to initiate or proactively make plans.
CptSaveAho Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Not sure what she's done to indicate she's an extreme in terms of being a "train wreck" but in any case, OP you responded perfectly. Yes, if she canceled, let her be the one to initiate or proactively make plans. shes doing OLD her text is a flake message
tlegend Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Not sure what she's done to indicate she's an extreme in terms of being a "train wreck" but in any case, OP you responded perfectly. Yes, if she canceled, let her be the one to initiate or proactively make plans. I dont see why him chasing her a bit would be such a bad thing. "Putting the ball back into her court" is just a passive way to prepare to let go. If you like her, let it be known? She had to cancel plans due to life. That doesn't mean its the end of the world. Instead of putting the ball into her court, if you really like her, I suggest you do as someone posted above and set a date in the future to look forward to, not "some other time". Best of luck in your search.
Author Crushedjustcrushed Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 I dont see why him chasing her a bit would be such a bad thing. "Putting the ball back into her court" is just a passive way to prepare to let go. If you like her, let it be known? She had to cancel plans due to life. That doesn't mean its the end of the world. Instead of putting the ball into her court, if you really like her, I suggest you do as someone posted above and set a date in the future to look forward to, not "some other time". Best of luck in your search. My big thing with setting a date in the future, is that I hate looking like a tool, if I'm chasing, and she's already decided after one meet, she's not interested. I hate that. Because I work m-f, 8:30-4:30, my schedule is consistent. Like 100% consistent. Hers is a bit more chaotic. She's a nurse, so she could easily just say "I have to work that night," and I have no way to know if she's lying or not. I've done enough chasing lately to no avail, and I always feel like I'm spinning my wheels when I do that.
Zahara Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 shes doing OLD her text is a flake message He's doing OLD too so that means he's a flake as well? I would hardly call her a TRAIN WRECK just by that text message. Geesh. 1
Author Crushedjustcrushed Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 He's doing OLD too so that means he's a flake as well? I would hardly call her a TRAIN WRECK just by that text message. Geesh. Yeah, I tried to explain I don't think this one is a train wreck. That's kind of why I give a **** about not screwing this one up.
Zahara Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) I dont see why him chasing her a bit would be such a bad thing. "Putting the ball back into her court" is just a passive way to prepare to let go. If you like her, let it be known? She had to cancel plans due to life. That doesn't mean its the end of the world. Instead of putting the ball into her court, if you really like her, I suggest you do as someone posted above and set a date in the future to look forward to, not "some other time". Best of luck in your search. They've met twice. There is no need for "the chase" to begin so soon. I believe he put the effort in, in terms of inviting her out and if she's canceled, then she should reciprocate, if she's interested. He's not being passive but simply giving her the opportunity to reciprocate a sign of interest, just as he's shown. She had plans, and yes, life happens so I'm sure if she's interested in revisiting a date with OP, she will know how to make plans with him. Why does it all boil down to the OP? I can't stand it when women feel entitled that the guy should be chasing and showing interest. Dating is a two way street. And no matter his response, if she's interested, she'll reach out and make plans. Simple. No need for chasing. Edited October 21, 2013 by Zahara
Author Crushedjustcrushed Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) They've only met once. There is no need for "the chase" to begin so soon. I believe he put the effort in, in terms of inviting her out and if she's canceled, then she should reciprocate, if she's interested. He's not being passive but simply giving her the opportunity to reciprocate a sign of interest, just as he's shown. She had plans, and yes, life happens so I'm sure if she's interested in revisiting a date with OP, she will know how to make plans with him. Why does it all boil down to the OP? I can't stand it when women feel entitled that the guy should be chasing and showing interest. Dating is a two way street. And no matter his response, if she's interested, she'll reach out and make plans. Simple. No need for chasing. You had it right before you edited it. Weve met once, texted a bit, talked on the phone a couple times (one time for five hours). We actually had a discussion sort of about this during our date. We had kind of joked before the date the first drink was on her, because I was celebrating buying a new house. But when we got there, the bill came and i said "ill just pay for it all," and she said, "I said I'd pay for the first drink," and I said, "you can get it next time, if you want there to be a next time." She said ,"of course I want there to be a next time, don't you?" I said, "we'll yeah, I really do, but half of if there is a next time, depends on you." An she said "yeah, I'd like there to be a next time." But, when we left I got just a one arm hug, so, I'm kind of lowering expectations here a bit and prepping for the blow off. I totally suck at reading women. Edited October 21, 2013 by Crushedjustcrushed
Zahara Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 We actually had a discussion sort of about this during our date. We had kind of joked before the date the first drink was on her, because I was celebrating buying a new house. But when we got there, the bill came and i said "ill just pay for it all," and she said, "I said I'd pay for the first drink," and I said, "you can get it next time, if you want there to be a next time." She said ,"of course I want there to be a next time, don't you?" I said, "we'll yeah, I really do, but half of if there is a next time, depends on you." An she said "yeah, I'd like there to be a next time." But, when we left I got just a one arm hug, so, I'm kind of lowering expectations here a bit and prepping for the blow off. I totally suck at reading women. I wouldn't place so much emphasis in terms of interest because she gave you a one arm hug. I don't hug on first dates. And I've done the one arm hug with guys I've had interest in. If she's interested, she'll show you, just as you've shown her. I think you've done enough to show her where you stand.
Shosh Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Did she reply to your text yet? There is no need for you to 'chase' but you can be a bit more lighthearted with her. If I received your text I'd think you were upset and might not feel like getting back to you soon. If I had a legitimate reason I'd hope for a bit more understanding. Smiley faces and positive language are always a plus.
Zahara Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Did she reply to your text yet? There is no need for you to 'chase' but you can be a bit more lighthearted with her. If I received your text I'd think you were upset and might not feel like getting back to you soon. If I had a legitimate reason I'd hope for a bit more understanding. Smiley faces and positive language are always a plus. I concur, OP. Add some lightheartedness in your next response, if/when she responds.
Author Crushedjustcrushed Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) And she just replied: Ok. Thanks. Appreciate understanding. Any Suggestions?? I was thinking of something like : cool. Just let me know when you are free and want to get together. Edited October 21, 2013 by Crushedjustcrushed
tlegend Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Did she reply to your text yet? There is no need for you to 'chase' but you can be a bit more lighthearted with her. If I received your text I'd think you were upset and might not feel like getting back to you soon. If I had a legitimate reason I'd hope for a bit more understanding. Smiley faces and positive language are always a plus. EXACTLY! I still don't understand why you went with putting the ball in her court. I am a very different individual however. Let me show you what I am thinking: She's into you. She didn't have to go out on a date, it sounds like you two genuinely enjoyed your time together, and when she cancelled plans, she did it VERY respectfully. She gave you notice and she gave you a perfectly good reason. Whether or not you accept that reason is a completely different matter. But, as others posted, your text seemed like you were pissed off about the whole situation. If I had gotten that text after I politely told you why I couldn't attend an event, I would prob wonder why you were so mad. You continuously say you don't want to screw things up with her. Griping and whining about how she couldn't hang out with you for 1 night isn't going to want her to get to know you any better, thats for sure. Thats my 2 cents. Like I said, I'm different and I am not in this situation, so my observation could be completely wrong. I sincerely doubt it though. 1
Zahara Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) And she just replied: Ok. Thanks. Appreciate understanding. Any Suggestions?? Honestly, if I am interested in a guy and I canceled on him, I'd be sure to reciprocate and offer an alternative because I WANT to see him, and because I sense that he is interested. I'm not into the "chasing" so soon into the dating process. She's not offering anything with her response. Part of me thinks that being on OLD, she's seeing other people, picking her date choices or she's not interested. It's what people do on OLD. If you still want to pursue her, you can say, "Not a problem at all. Hope you have a great time at the football game with your grandma! Let me know if you would like to get together soon!" Keep it light. You're not chasing, just letting her know you are open to seeing her again. Edited October 21, 2013 by Zahara 2
Author Crushedjustcrushed Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Honestly, if I am interested in a guy and I canceled on him, I'd be sure to reciprocate and offer an alternative because I WANT to see him, and because I sense that he is interested. I'm not into the "chasing" so soon into the dating process. She's not offering anything with her response. Part of me thinks that being on OLD, she's seeing other people, picking her date choices or she's not interested. It's what people do on OLD. If you still want to pursue her, you can say, "Not a problem at all. Hope you have a great time at the football game with your grandma! Let me know if you would like to get together soon!" Keep it light. You're not chasing, just letting her know you are open to seeing her again. I went with: No problem at all. Have fun at the game with grandma! I'll drink a couple at the party for you. Just let me know when you want to get together again soon. 1
Recommended Posts