bubblygrl5 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Now that I have your attention...no, I am not an ego-maniac. I have just noticed this pattern where it is difficult for me to have male friends without them eventually alluding to wanting more. I, by no means am any version of Pamela Anderson or anything like that. So, I'm wondering if guy/girl friendships are just doomed from the start, or is it assumed that if you want to be friends with a guy, you immediately are attracted? I do have a bf, but I'm taking classes right now, and so I often meet people in my classes, and male/female, I'll study with them, or ask them for help. But I end up noticing that the guys will be like, well, meet me at a coffee shop at 8, and we can go over it there..... and I'm like, uh...the school library is just fine! Sometimes I think it's because I have a bf, that I jsut categorize all guys into females basically, and so it makes it easy for me to interact with them. And maybe they mistake my comfort for liking them? I don't know. Any ideas? Bubblygrl
kit4kat Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 If you're a laid back, outgoing, fun loving type of person-- guys WILL fall for you. Most guys are attracted by look to begin with (I think) but in my opinion, personality draws them in and keeps them there. I seem to be in the same predicament you are. I am a very friendly, outgoing, easy going girl. Over the course of the past two years or so, I have had quite a few guy friends fall for me. The only difference is that I'm available. I don't think it has anything to do with your status, though some people want what they can't have. Don't worry about it. If you're anything like me, it probably bothers you that guys fall for you and you don't feel the same way. I wouldn't change a thing about your personality, but just make sure you don't lead them on in anyway.
johan Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Have you really figured out why you are making friends with single men? I'm not trying to criticize or point out a character flaw. Assuming your feelings for your boyfriend are real and he is meeting all your needs, then why do you desire the companionship of other men? Here's a theory: these guys are attracted to you before your friendship starts. They are non-judgmental, accomodating, funny, and putting on their coolest, best front just to get your attention. You aren't making friends with them at all. It isn't friendship, no matter how nice they are to you. If they perceived that there was absolutely no hope of your being their girlfriend, they wouldn't really bother getting close to you. But you aren't putting out that signal, and they perceive that there is hope. So they become your "friend" in the hopes of capturing your heart away from your boyfriend. Maybe you are truly in love with your boyfriend and are just taking the path of least resistance in your friendships? Or maybe there are gaps in your relationship that you are filling by having other guys around. I'm just pointing out that guys are more likely to fall for you if they don't feel discouraged from doing it. I've also known women who were truly in love with their partner, and they really had no time at all for other men.
johan Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 I think I misread your post the first time. You seem to be keeping an ok distance. But you must be pretty cute and people sometimes want what they can't have. Or maybe you live in Colorado where there are excessive numbers of desperate single guys swarming around every half-decent girl.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 That happens to me too. I'm no looker or anything, but I get that happening too - I only have one or two female friends, and the rest are guys. I've been told "I like you, you're the kind of girl I can fart around." Partly, the reason why people crush on their friends, its because when a guy is 'just friends' with you, he can be completely himself around you, you have lots in common, you have fun together with none of that 'relationship tension'. A lot of time starting as friends, you don't have the same uncomfortable nervousness that you do around someone you are initially attracted to. Talk comes easily, you get to see each other as you really are - how you usually dress and look every day, and you accept each other for what you are - not who you see them as through the "love blinders". Your friends get the benefit of seeing you exactly as you are. There are no demands, no ultimatums, no pressure - you are friends, plain and simple. A lot of times, that can lead to a deep love - and occasionally the run of the mill sexual crush.
alphamale Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Dear BubblyGrl5: You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I personally don't think that men and women can be REAL friends cause the sex thing always gets in the way (From when harry met sally). My opinion is that people of the opposite sex (assume hetero) are to have sex with and romanance, etc.... men's friends should mainly be males and women's friends should mainly be females. Maybe if one has too many friends of the opposite sex you start to behave like the opposite sex a bit. But I know what u mean. I have many female acquaintanes (not "friends") and a number of them are in love with me. But women are much better at keeping a friendship with a man a friendship and not trying to move it fwd into something else.
binturong Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 I've only been able to have one guy friend. Every other one I had wanted more. I don't think it's easy to be friends with people of the opposite sex.
Scarlett_girl Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 with every guy friend i have ever had at leats one of us has been attracted to the other at some point in our friendship..it's usually the guy who liked me..i think it easier for girls to be friends with a guy without liking him whereas a guy tends to only talk and be freinds with people they were as some point somewhat attracted to.. this is what a guy friend of mine told me "if you are buds with a guy, you can bet your ass that he would do you or else he probably woulnd be your friend"
alphamale Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by Scarlett_girl this is what a guy friend of mine told me "if you are buds with a guy, you can bet your ass that he would do you or else he probably woulnd be your friend" You are correct scarlettgurl: This is EXACTLY why most men go nuts when their girlfriend or wife has a lot of male "friends" or when she gets a new male "friend". See...us being men...we know exactly what many (not all) of these "friends" want. alpha
Author bubblygrl5 Posted December 11, 2004 Author Posted December 11, 2004 People can relate? I am so fascinated! It seems to be one of those universal things. Yea, guy/girl friendships are hard....which is why I guess you pretty much have to keep them as acquaintances, not friends. Bubbly
daterhater Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 I've tried having male friends and it doesn't work well. My only male friend now is a guy who's been in love with me since we met. He supresses his feelings toward me so we can hang out normally.
kit4kat Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 this is what a guy friend of mine told me "if you are buds with a guy, you can bet your ass that he would do you or else he probably woulnd be your friend" This is interesting-- but I'm beginning to agree. I've been taking into account all my guy friend relationships. Not only do the ones I talk to regularly seem to be at least a little bit attracted to me, but they've said something about it too. I have lots of guy friends, and I hang out with about two or three on a weekly basis. Hehe-- I wonder if I made a move on them if they'd go for it? Not that I would, but it is an interesting thought.
jellybean Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 A man does not choose a woman as a friend unless he wants more....
sarah12 Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 Originally posted by jellybean A man does not choose a woman as a friend unless he wants more.... This is so unfair.. Bubbly, I have the same problem... I like who I am though and I won't change that. I don't know at what point of time in the life cycle, girls and guys couldn't be as close friends..for me, it started when I started university. And it is so true that girls are so naive to these things..we just think that guys want to be our friend..but over time you realize that they all just want to do you, and they're testing their 'limits' of how far they can get in that process.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 Originally posted by jellybean A man does not choose a woman as a friend unless he wants more.... There are always exceptions. My male friends know right away that I am not attracted to men as a general rule (though I have dated men and had sex with them in the past), and that doesn't stop them from being friends with me - or moving on when there is no possibility of sex. I have one male friend that I've been friends with for more than 20 years. My other closest male friends have been close with me for more than 10 years. All the guys who "were wanting more" either eventually got over it and stayed friends or they moved on. I guess I'm lucky in that I have friends that can look past my gender and "possibilities" and see me as a real person, worth being actual friends with. It rare, but it happens. I have always been "one of the guys" and men find themselves immediately comfortable around me. Initially intimidated from time to time because I'm not ugly by far, but once they got to know me, they were comfortable with me. "Easy to talk to" has always been a top thing that has been said. Maybe its because my male friends don't trap me into a sexual context and base any friendship on that? I dunno. It could be it, I guess. It is probably significant to note that I have only one or two female friends, as I tend to automatically see women in a sexual context. I guess if sexual threat or promise is overlooked, then you can be friends with someone of an opposite gender.
Merin Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 Originally posted by johan I think I misread your post the first time. You seem to be keeping an ok distance. But you must be pretty cute and people sometimes want what they can't have. Or maybe you live in Colorado where there are excessive numbers of desperate single guys swarming around every half-decent girl. I'm in Colorado.. I don't see excessive numbers of desperate single guys.. lot's of assclowns yes, but the other.. Sh*t, maybe I'm just not fitting into that "half decent" catagory *Takes an asprin*
daterhater Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 hey, i'll take a guy friend who wants to do me as long as he doesn't put the moves on me. question.... is it cruel to make out with friends of the guy who loves you then talk about your boy problems with this guy?
johan Posted December 12, 2004 Posted December 12, 2004 Originally posted by Merin I'm in Colorado.. I don't see excessive numbers of desperate single guys.. lot's of assclowns yes, but the other.. Sh*t, maybe I'm just not fitting into that "half decent" catagory *Takes an asprin* Hm. If your avatar is a photo of you, then you are at least half decent. Maybe it's where you hang out. A woman I work with (married) is kind of cute with a good sense of humor and she's friendly and she's having some trouble in her marriage. It's not unusual to find guys hanging around chatting with her. The other decent women I see around the office get flirted with pretty consistently. I'm sure it feels good for these women and it makes it pretty clear there are lots of options for them, if they aren't satisfied where they are. Not to mention they can get the kind of attention that they don't get at home. (Not that it would make a huge difference if they did get it at home, because it's not as exciting there either way.) So it's very easy for a woman who is "half-decent" or better to get guy friends. If they like the attention, they usually narrow the field down to one or two for the sake of convenience. I'm guilty of making friends with married or taken women in the past. They are so easy and they can be really fun. Now I feel sickened by it and I regret it. I was just insecure and single and lonely and it built my confidence. The sad thing about it is that I realized after a while that it wasn't just a friendship. It was like "safe" dating. It was really easy for both of us to rationalize, because "nothing" ever happened. Nothing physical anyway. I was never friends with a woman I wasn't attracted to or who wasn't attracted to me.
Merin Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by johan Hm. If your avatar is a photo of you, then you are at least half decent. Maybe it's where you hang out. Uh.. thanks? Actually I was making the point that there isn't MORE single Men in Colorado then any where else.. it's a myth. Kind of like the one that crap loads of single men were in Alaska a few years ago.. There are plenty of single guys here yes.. but I wouldn't say more than average. I don't have any problems finding guys.. some are okay, some are outstanding and some are.. well assclowns. BUT.. I actually did meet a great guy last night when out with friends.. he's nice looking, smelled good LOL and was respectful and polite yay! He called me this afternoon.. so far so good;)
Emily55555 Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Sometimes people just want what they cant have... somtimes.... and hey i dont think i'd be complaining if I had lots of guys falling for me.... just take it as a compliment I guess... people like you for who you are and theres absolutely nothing wrong with that!
babybear Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 I think guys love laid back, confident, chill girls. I have a bf, and I have a couple brothers, so I think for me, I'm just used to being around males a lot. I notice the same thing where one day you're friends, and the next day they're totally hitting on you....but take it as a compliment that they think you're cool! Bb
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