how to break her spell?

[bob the brave]

I wish they gave awards for being pathetic, cause I would be a champ.

 

It's been 2 years! This is it in a nutshell. All this happened at work.

 

THE SETUP

Liked a girl, she seemed to like me (others noticed this as well). Then a married player got in the mix. He is, of course, fun and smooth. She did have an insecurity issue, so she was perfect material for this guy. Anyway, she dumped me for him. After they hooked up, he came to me in private, got up in my face real insulting like and said, "I ****** her and there is nothing you can do about it."

 

Well after a time, she got hurt and wouldn't talk to the player. She then came to me saying he was a zero and wanting to know if I still cared for her? She was serious. What could I say? She knew he was a married db with two little girls that cheats, drinks, gambles and lies. When she was with him, she would join in subtlely dissing me. She would drink heavily.

I said no with no explination. I didn't think she deserved one nor would it do any good. She was very hurt.

 

5 months after I rejected her (if that is what really happened) she married another guy, she knew only 5 months. Now 5 months later she is pregnant with their first child. She already had a 3 year old boy from a previous relationship.

 

THE PROBLEM

I work with these people everyday. I haven't spoken a word to either of them in over a year. Seeing her married and remembering what the player said really got to me. I kicked his *** at work and got in trouble with HR.

I have never done anything like this. I am a good guy. Everyone at work tells me this. She once told me this.

 

It is a mixture of still liking her, being treated like dirt, watching her now as I would have accepted her and the moral issue of them just doing and saying whatever they like and it's all prefectly normal. She probably thinks she is a great wife and mother. The player is now divorced and livng it. Friends tell me, getting dumped by the player and then rejected by me ( a sure thing in her eyes) woke her up (she is 38) and she that is why she married so fast.

 

I feel bad that people can act this way. I feel worthless in that two other guys took her so easily. I feel bad because I still like her anyway. I have to see her everyday. What the **** can I do? BTW, got therapy, didn't help.

[Philosoraptor]

Look, it's not your job to save her. She's made her own mess and so has he.

 

I'd say personally, start looking for other employment and get yourself out of this situation as it's not good for your mental health.

[bob the brave]

I feel bad that if she wanted a real relationship and she eventually came back to me (she had originally said I was a good guy), why take the player route?

What is a girl like this thinking? She was single forever, said she always would be and was proud of being a bad girl. Now married? It doesn't make any sense.

 

She made fun of my height(5'9" she is 5'7"), although the player is the same height? Her husband is 6'. This has hurt my self-esteem. Being a person of good morals and character means nothing.

 

Having to be face to face with the loss everyday, still having feelings and being so painfully disrespected hurts more than I can take. I used to be a nice, funny, caring guy. Now, I am different. Like I have lost part of myself I will never get back.

[Philosoraptor]

You're letting one woman change who you are? One rejection change who you are?

 

What did you lose? An emotionally unstable woman who you were trying to save?

 

It's not your job to understand or make sense out of what her choices are, they are her choices. If she wants to get married 5 months into knowing someone then that's her decision.

 

Yes, you have a self esteem issue here. But that wasn't something she did, that was something that was already fragile which is why you're so overly concerned with losing someone who wasn't stable to begin with.

[bob the brave]

You're letting one woman change who you are? One rejection change who you are?

 

I guess it really comes down to the fact that I was rejected and passed over for two other guys, one of which pushed it up in my face. Seeing her everyday makes me feel like a loser.

[KathyM]

You dodged a bullet by her marrying someone else. As the other poster said, she is unstable. She is insecure. She is lacking in self esteem, and therefore gullible for guys like the married dude. She makes very impulsive decisions, and ends up getting burned. Not girlfriend material by any means. Someone that is unstable and insecure is not a good risk for a relationship partner. You dodged a bullet, I would say. If you can't ignore these people at work or concentrate on your job, then maybe it's time to start looking for another job.

[Outsider77]

I guess it really comes down to the fact that I was rejected and passed over for two other guys, one of which pushed it up in my face. Seeing her everyday makes me feel like a loser.

 

Why would this make you feel like a loser? It sounds like she was just using you. Why would you want someone like that? Would getting married to her and finding out she's a crazy bitch who cheats on you make you a winner?

 

She doesn't know what she wants and goes from one guy to the next. Who knows how long she'll be married to this guy. They only knew each other five months. This girl is a flake. Get over it and find someone normal.

[Zahara]

I guess it really comes down to the fact that I was rejected and passed over for two other guys, one of which pushed it up in my face. Seeing her everyday makes me feel like a loser.

 

Really? You feel "rejected" because she chose a married guy that's a douchebag and a guy that would marry a woman after knowing her for 5 months, who is probably as emotionally challenged as she is?

 

You're comparing yourself to these guys? That only means you're as dysfunctional as they are? Correct? Instead of analyzing this and realizing that she's broken, the married guy is a scumbag and the husband is just as bad as she is.

 

Turn it around. Why does it have to be you that's lacking, instead of them lacking?

[bob the brave]

Really? You feel "rejected" because she chose a married guy that's a douchebag and a guy that would marry a woman after knowing her for 5 months, who is probably as emotionally challenged as she is?

 

You're comparing yourself to these guys? That only means you're as dysfunctional as they are? Correct? Instead of analyzing this and realizing that she's broken, the married guy is a scumbag and the husband is just as bad as she is.

 

Turn it around. Why does it have to be you that's lacking, instead of them lacking?

 

I gave her the option of a sincere relationship in which she would be respected, which she trashed for a married player. Went on drinking and sex binges and playing up the bad girl image all the while dissing me for being a good guy. Then she gets hurt and comes back to me. I had no choice but to say no.

 

Now she has cleaned up her act. It is a small company, but most do not know this. She is about due to have her child and everyone is treating her like Mother Teresa, saying she is such a good, kind person. And she actually thinks I am a bad guy because I don't play along. Her husband is her savior am I am the bad, maladjusted guy.

 

Well, maybe I am now, but I feel as those everything is backwards. I feel like I am being punished for being a good guy, having principles. Am I really missing the point here?

 

If your where me, how would you deal with this so I can move on?

[Philosoraptor]

Yes, you are missing the point. Whether or not she has really changed... she's moved on and you need to do the same. She has a right to make her own choices whether or not you believe you're the better option.

 

The only one punishing you is yourself.

[Zahara]

And you were right for saying no. She only came back because you were an option and sometimes people that are broken will chose broken as well even when they want and know that they deserve the opposite. Unfortunately, when you are broken, you will tend to pick broken. It's not about you. Don't take it personally. It's about their twisted mindset.

 

Cleared up her act? Her self-esteem is broken. You don't clear up the act. You can put on an act and that's what she's doing. Her husband married her after knowing her for 5 months. If anything, they both see everything wrong with the world except themselves. I told you, these types will gravitate to each other.

 

Yes, you're missing the point. You're taking it personally. In your head, her bad choices are a reflection of who you are as a person. You should be defining your own worth versus griping about who said what, who thinks what, who's doing what.

 

You go to work, to work. Focus on your responsibilities. You need to value yourself more. You need to start looking at this logically versus emotionally. I mean, the fact that you're comparing yourself to the likes of a married man that's a cheating douchebag, a woman that sees no value in herself and a husband that is as broken as she is, is enough to tell you that you're looking at this all wrong. You need to stop worrying about what she's doing and who she's trying to portray. Your problem is you're getting consumed by what everything and everyone else is doing and saying.

[pinkie]

Pure drama. Let it go.

[bob the brave]

Alright, chin up. You guys are right. Thanks for the advice.