BS held to higher standard?

[NotCamelot]

Some things in the thread by PeaksandValleys has me thinking. How may WS made comments that infer that the BS should be held to a higher standard than they?

 

Ex: On D-day, my W said: "I can't believe you called her (her APs wife)! I can't believe you told her (APs wife)!"

 

Of course, I had imploded the little world that she and the AP were trying to build at the expense, both emotionally and financially, of me and his W.

 

But, really, how can the WS expect and then ask that the BS keep quiet and behave better than they?!?!? Had they not been cheating, we never would have had reason to do or say anything we did.

[imfine]

It's part of the fog. Living in secrecy and lies clouds judgement. People in A's really don't grasp that their actions affect other people because they are so caught up in each other. When they are discovered, they want everyone else to help minimize the damage they caused and truly do not understand why a BS, friends, family, etc. will not help them do this. Only those who do the work to regain their integrity and those that feel remorse eventually understand why those they betrayed expose them. Higher standard, no. Just a lot of effed up thinking.

[dichotomy]

Oh yes.

 

WS criticized me up and down for spying on her emails and FB. Brought it up recently in MC - thankfully therapist backed me up that she could no longer punish me for this – she owns her loss of privacy.

 

Also - and this is big - I have been held too much higher standards on fidelity and openness then she. In fact I was told she would leave me in a second if I cheated on her because... "you have a high standard on it".

 

I am sure, if she found out, compare my anonymous posts here on LS as badly as her chats with OM/MM and past lovers she had. She has already criticized me for posting (again anonymously) on a cancer survior support page “Your chatting with strangers!” where not supposed to do that!.. ummm.... big difference there.

[Steadfast]

I think a lot of it is the mommy and daddy syndrome. As the 'responsible' partner you're expected to keep $hit together; care for the kids, pay the bills, do the housework and be patient while they go through their 'stuff'.

[cozycottagelg]

I don't necessarily think it's a standard issue.

 

Some people are going to lash out, while others are not. It is more a personality thing.

 

If my husband cheated, I wouldn't freak out externally, because I don't do that in general. I'm very calm and mild mannered, even in the face of extreme stress.

 

He however, if he found out I was a cheater, would completely lose his mind and tell everyone we know in a fit of rage. That's his personality.

 

Neither is wrong or right, it's just who we are and how we handle things.

[underwater2010]

I guess I consider myself lucky. My husband owned his crap to both me and MOWs BH. He never got upset when I exposed him. He gave me the right to be angry and upset. He understood my need to see his emails and facebook. In fact he was surprised I didn't take it further.

 

But on this board, I do see (a lot not all of the time) were a BS is supposed to walk a higher ground when DDay occurs. I figure they are just lucky that most BSs are as sane and calm as we are when our world blows up.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree that we all should work to keep our Self Respect intact.

 

Having said that, it is normal to have a mental break, vent, fall apart after discovery. And those that say a BS should not have any emotional response lack understanding.

 

I would no more expect a BS to be fully rational on Dday, than I would expect someone who just lost a loved one or house burned down, to continue to work. They are impaired. It is recognizing that you are dealing with someone suffering from trauma. They need calm/understanding around them, not someone standing there saying "will you get yourself under control".

 

I also, did not see anything that was below any standard on that thread. Except for the part where the OP stated she was unsure if she would be unable to hold it together in front of her kids. OP never stated exactly what that meant, and people assumed bad mouthing the WS. I took it to mean, that she would finally break, as she had been holding it together for so long, and it was apparent she was growing weary/tired of having to be strong for so long. For a parent to break down in front of adult children is feeling like a failure, as we are taught to be there for our kids. Well, we all have limits, and it is not a failure to actually feel the pain inflicted. Holding it in, was hurting the OP.

[katielee]

a couple weeks after Dday, when we were talking about how I outed OW#1 to her employer, hubby called me selfish that I also didn't tell HIS employer. ok.

 

Also after Dday, I cut up something I made for him for Christmas. He said he would NEVER do that to something I made. ok, but you'd destroy our marriage? I felt so badly about it I made him another one for Valentine's day. 1.5 months later, another affair.

[Spark1111]

Well I accidentally intercepted a text promising her a future because she was the one he wanted and he needed to get some financial affairs in order.

 

then, I went into super sleuth mode and learned everything of my reality for the past 18 months.

 

I confronted him in a neutral public place and he started repeating the lies he had been telling himself. He made the affair sound accidental and even noble.

 

I gave him 48 hours to move out to be with his soulmate and left. First words out of his mouth was PLEASE do not tell anyone NOT thanks as I did not know how to tell YOU.

 

Then he grew angry I had snooped on OUR bank records and cell phone bills.

 

Imagine that?

 

He then assumed I would hate her and began defending her character to me. Stopped him in his tracks and wished them a happy future together. calmly told the kids.

 

Here, for me is where the crazies began: Within a few weeks, he began to beg me to reconcile. On a few occasions he cried. I would meet with him only to discover he was still in constant contact with her at the time, living with her while claiming to be in a hotel. I would once again snoop texts between them where she is kindly asking how our reconciliation was going at lunch and screwing him that evening.

 

That made me feel used, again lied to, and totally manipulated by BOTH of them.

 

Gloves off.

 

Interesting to note, other than walking in on your spouse having sex with another, the most volatile time is NOT discovery of the affair, but in the weeks and months that follow when a BS discovers they are STILL being gaslighted.

 

Then, high-road be damned.

[NotCamelot]

I guess I should clarify my original post slightley by adding that I meant the BS is expected to act a certain by the WS.....not by others in general...usually.

 

And I see by lots of threads here, the WS does this a lot. It's the old "do as I say, not as I do" syndrome. They can cheat on us, but we are not allowed to react negativley at all. WTF?????

[waterwoman]

Outrage by the WS provides a convenient smokescreen. 'How dare you do X!!!' whilst distracting from the fact that they did Y.

 

When so many MM appear to see their wives as mummy I guess they think mummy should tell them off, send them to their room and then just let it go on dday.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am sure there are many different reasons why that happens.

 

For remorseful WS, they do not like to see their BS so unhinged or going down the same road that they traveled. Many madhatters struggle with feeling partially responsible for the revenge affair.

 

Then there are those that truly do not see what they have done in proper context, they are still very much in denial mode. So they only see fault with the BS. They view what they did out of "love?", and what the BS is doing is out of spite (not pain).

[jlola]

I guess I should clarify my original post slightley by adding that I meant the BS is expected to act a certain by the WS.....not by others in general...usually.

 

And I see by lots of threads here, the WS does this a lot. It's the old "do as I say, not as I do" syndrome. They can cheat on us, but we are not allowed to react negativley at all. WTF?????

 

 

I remember one of my sister's affairs. She had brought a "friend" over to a party at a relative's houes. But we soon figured out what was going on. My other siterr and I confronted her a few days later and she was blubbering, crying,denying. Then she admitted they were "in love" . She could not help herself,she could not let him go.

 

But when any of her husbands got blindsided, they were expected to "get over it". "Stop being so jealous,controlling and angry".

 

I realize WS usually cannot or will not let go of the OM/OW because they do not like the pain of withdrawal. they do not like discomfort. But they expect BS to not have the same level of pain and discomfort they have, so they do not think of the hurt they will inflict to BS. Because the BS is different than they.

 

BS is ,less passionate,less caring,less romantic.Unlike them.

 

The ironic part is, though my sister would accuse husbands over reacting when they found out about her affairs and she was all upset about the "noise" they were making. "Beating a dead horse" and all.

 

When it happened t her, when a cheating,manipulating ,gaslighting boyfriend finally did to her what she willingly did to others. She became suicidal,aggressive and we had to have her committed for fear she would have hurt herself,cheating BF, or OW. Ironic.

 

I also noted on the board how many OW say they would not tolerate being cheated on, yet they can be a party to it with someone else. I take it to mean, I am special. Noone will betray me this way. But BS is not special and probably deserves it anyway.

 

My father is the same way. Serial cheater who acts as though my mother is crazy,jealous and overeacts when she finds out about an OW. But I guarantee, if she had ever cheated on him, she would probably be 6 ft under by now.

 

"Do onto others as you would have them do unto you" is not a rule WS live by.

 

But they do expect BS's to be tolerant, doormats,accepting,take the blame , and quickly sweep the affair under the rug.

[Furious]

Some things in the thread by PeaksandValleys has me thinking. How may WS made comments that infer that the BS should be held to a higher standard than they?

 

Ex: On D-day, my W said: "I can't believe you called her (her APs wife)! I can't believe you told her (APs wife)!"

 

Of course, I had imploded the little world that she and the AP were trying to build at the expense, both emotionally and financially, of me and his W.

 

But, really, how can the WS expect and then ask that the BS keep quiet and behave better than they?!?!? Had they not been cheating, we never would have had reason to do or say anything we did.

 

 

It seems that many WS's are hypocrites whom while cheating are calling the shots but get very peeved when on d-day the playing field is level and the betrayed spouse calls his or own shots from then on.

 

It's ironic that a WS may feel offended that a betrayed spouse exposes the affair to the other betrayed spouse. Very often the secrecy of the affair is contingent upon the control they exercise as to living that double life and it's very difficult to accept they are no longer in control of the repercussions.

 

Strange how when I informed the other betrayed spouse, I got an angry phone call from the married other woman who was livid and said I had no right to interfere with her life. :D:D

 

A WS had no right to dictate the higher ground as they themselves did not practice what they preach.

 

Odd that a WS who has been living in deceit feels threatened by a betrayed spouse who is exercising the truth.

 

It's such a mind bending phenomenon

[NotCamelot]

 

Strange how when I informed the other betrayed spouse, I got an angry phone call from the married other woman who was livid and said I had no right to interfere with her life. :D:D

 

Not to redirect my own thread, but this reminds me.....The OM's wife said the next day, after D-Day, that she wanted "US" to stay out of their lives!!!!!! I had a hard time with that. I helped her!!!!!! She knew nothing. Then she indirectly helped me. Still can't understand animosity toward me.

 

Now, back to the thread!

[AlwaysGrowing]

I also want to acknowledge the many WS that none of this is true for.

 

I think that for those WS that got caught on a slippery slope, had a good marriage that the fog lifts the second they see their BS in pain. That goes for either gender WS.

 

We all have read the stories from WS here and potential other sources. And my gut tells me, that many more WS take responsibility than not.

 

Do not let yourself get caught up in other peoples truth, it might not be yours.

[Furious]

I also want to acknowledge the many WS that none of this is true for.

 

I think that for those WS that got caught on a slippery slope, had a good marriage that the fog lifts the second they see their BS in pain. That goes for either gender WS.

 

We all have read the stories from WS here and potential other sources. And my gut tells me, that many more WS take responsibility than not.

 

Do not let yourself get caught up in other peoples truth, it might not be yours.

 

 

Oddly it's not the pain a WS sees in their betrayed spouse but despite the pain a betrayed spouse who is not buying or drinking the kool aid.

 

 

The thing is, you put your truth out there and there are some people who cannot handle the truth.

Edited October 21, 2013 by Furious

[Spark1111]

Oddly it's not the pain a WS sees in their betrayed spouse but despite the pain a betrayed spouse who is not buying or drinking the kool aid.

 

 

The thing is, you put your truth out there and there are some people who cannot handle the truth.

 

if they could, they would not be cheating and trying to control their BSs and possibly their AP with lies, lies and more lies.

 

They'd tell the truth of their feelings and separate. They'd attend MC to see if there was a marriage worth saving.....AND their BS would ALSO be free to date to see if there was someone out there better suited to them.

 

Even our children asked him this.

 

NEVER to rarely happens.

[serial muse]

 

Interesting to note, other than walking in on your spouse having sex with another, the most volatile time is NOT discovery of the affair, but in the weeks and months that follow when a BS discovers they are STILL being gaslighted.

 

Then, high-road be damned.

 

Ha, so true.

 

I remember that after DDay my exH promised me he'd cut things off with the OW and go to MC. We also happened to be moving to a different state, and when DDay happened I left our old home ahead of him by about a week. I expected to still be in contact about MC and so forth, as he had promised.

 

Of course, once I was gone, he didn't return phone calls and didn't respond to questions over email - just, nothing, for a week. Our old house had been rented, so I knew he wasn't there. I had no way of getting in touch, and was a thousand miles away, and heartbroken.

 

And then I got furious. In the process of my discovery of the affair, I had found his OW's phone number, so since he wasn't returning my calls, I finally called her instead and left a message saying that I wanted to speak with him. Then...well, I knew that she lived with her parents, and I knew that number too, from our phone bills (all part of DDay), and I suspected that that's where he was (and that they had no clue he was actually married).

 

So I called them too. I spoke to her mom, said very blandly and politely that it was WS's wife calling, and asked her to leave a message for him to call me back.

 

Hahahahahaha I was totally right, they had no clue.

 

He calls me five minutes later, furious. I remember it like it was yesterday, because it was a very amusing moment in a truly awful time. He's fuming about how I embarrassed him and put him in a difficult spot with her parents! "Where am I supposed to live now?" he says to me. :lmao:

 

Like that's my problem. What an ass.

 

Obviously, R didn't happen in our case.

Edited October 21, 2013 by serial muse

[NotCamelot]

Ha, so true.

 

 

He's fuming about how I embarrassed him and put him in a difficult spot with her parents! "Where am I supposed to live now?" he says to me. :lmao:

 

Like that's my problem. What an ass.

 

Obviously, R didn't happen in our case.

 

 

Amazing how that was YOUR fault!

[jlola]

Amazing how that was YOUR fault!

 

 

It' her fault because a WS's actions are not supposed to be called out or have any consequences. They should be immune to any sort of discomfort,exposure or pain. They are "special" remember?

[crederer]

I wasn't married but with my ex for about 6 years.

 

When I found out she was cheating on me and talked about it with some of my friends (who were kind of mutual friends between the two of us) she got wicked pissed at me. Screaming and saying I'm an ass, this was supposed to be a private thing. She was upset that other people knew she was a dirty gash.

 

How dare I spread our private business around, etc. She even threw a bottle of cough syrup at my head, she was so upset about it.

 

I wasn't even really trash talking her or being the typical angry betrayed partner, I was simply speaking with my friends trying to get some things off my chest and sort out my thoughts as to how to proceed.

[yellowmaverick]

Honestly, I don't mind being held to a higher standard because I hold MYSELF to a higher standard. I would not be okay acting the way my WH or his mistress acted.

[BeingMe]

I phoned the OW once and told her some things she didn't know (still having sex, him blaming her for it all etc). I didn't rant or insult her. I knew she'd tell him, it confirmed that they were still in contact.

 

But he blamed me for my terrible behaviour in phoning her....yeah, that's so much worse that years of lies,the actual affair, trickle truth, false no contact, false reconciliation and gas lighting

[Zenstudent]

I had the same discussion elsewhere. What some WS/fWS wondered if it was fair that the BS was angry aand expressing their pain in not so nice ways months past D-day.

 

I think this feeling is based in their experience that having an affair wasn't that bad, it was just sex, it was just [fill in the blank], so it doesn't justify a reaction waayy out of line. My wife had this attitude - she couldn't believe that I violated her privacy to find the truth, I've always protected our privacy regarding mail, email, social network etc. So I really shouldn't sink this low, because the affair really was nothing, and by the way, it was over now that they had been busted.

 

Also I think that some of it is based in insecurity when they're trying to protect what ever is left of the marriage. When I realized I couldn't trust her to be loyal in the future, I initiated a talk about opening up our relationship. She agreed, but it turned out that she couldn't handle the thought about me with someone else. So she started to speak negatively about this arrangement, as if I was the one ruining everything by seeing other women.

 

So, basically minimizing and self protection, I think.