DarkestBeforeDawn Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I'll be honest, I do love this girl, but I am currently in No-Contact mode and I don't know if that's what I should be doing, even though this forum preaches NC. We dated for roughly a little less than 1 year a couple years back, she was younger and I was a little older (early 20's). I initiated the break up because I saw she needed to still grow up a little and she was acting "young" and flirting and realized it wasn't the right time. We still talked after we broke up and even met up every so often but there came a time where I had to leave and move back home and it was very difficult. She came to the train where I departed and it was tough saying goodbye to each other, but alas, it did happen. Now, to this current day, I'm home and she is finishing up school and we still talk. There have been so many up's and down's since I've been home because all we do is talk over the phone or text message. We facetime'd once or twice, that's about it. She also has been with somebody during this time so I couldn't really talk to her, although she wanted to talk to me (fall back to her I guess? I digress. I'm here to ask for honest opinions about this situation. A couple weeks ago, I asked her to visit me. She said she couldn't because she's currently seeing somebody. This got to me because not once since I've been home has she every brought up the idea of visiting me (I have asked her numerous times to visit me), nor has she brought up the idea of me going back to visit her. She told me I'm the sweetest, nicest guy she has ever met and she hates hurting me. I told her it's best we don't communicate because I need to move on and find my self and she really didn't have much to say. That's where I started the no-contact. Fast forward now, she called me the other night and just yesterday texted me. I haven't answered any of them, but I have a weird feeling ignoring her reach-out's. I'm not sure if these are just breadcrumbs from her trying to find out if I'm still around OR if its that she does really care about me, I'm assuming it's not the latter, but I have NO idea. She knows I love her, but I'm obviously trying to move on. Not sure if I should keep with this NC or not because deep down I, again, want to tell her that I can't talk to her because I love her, and I can't just be friends with her. I'm at a loss here, and any help to get me on the right track will be very beneficial. Thank you.
Janni Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I get where you are coming from, but in my honest opinion, I believe it would be in your best interest to stay NC for now. If it's just breadcrumbs, you'll end up hurting even more. Take it from someone who's been there. If not, and she really does miss you and want you, she will not give up and you will have had time to think it over. My ex dumped me after 6 years together. After five days of NC (He was seeing someone else) he texted me and I answered. Exactly like you are thinking about answering her now. Well. It ended up hurting me even more and making me feel even worse than I was already feeling. He was still with her and he was even falling in love with her. So it was nothing more than a test - To see if I was still available. I really dont wish that for you in any way.
Renard99 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 At the end of the day, it's a personal choice so it's up to you what you do. If you feel that there could still be something there then you can either act on it or not.......... .......however, you identified that it hurts you to talk to her knowing that you cannot be with her and you told her. You said it twice in your post that it hurts to talk with her. Then, to compound the problem, she's told you she's seeing somebody which surely causes more hurt. Does that not give you the answer? Unless she's declaring her love for you or committing to you then you will only be talking to her as a friend and you've already identified the fact that you don't want that. The only reason I would contact her would be to remind her that your feelings for her mean that it's painful for you to talk to her and also to reiterate the whole no contact thing to her. If she wants you, she'll make it known. If she doesn't, you'll have the the peace that you need to move on.
Author DarkestBeforeDawn Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 My ex dumped me after 6 years together. I'm sorry to hear that. After five days of NC (He was seeing someone else) he texted me and I answered. Exactly like you are thinking about answering her now. Well. It ended up hurting me even more and making me feel even worse than I was already feeling ..... To see if I was still available. I really dont wish that for you in any way. Her and I used to go back and forth with each other, talking and then not talking and sometimes I would say something and then she wouldn't respond for weeks. Then reach out to me randomly. Then I would answer, she'd say 2 things then disappear again, it was getting very annoying. But everytime we talked, those feelings came back and I couldn't stray away from it, so I was hooked into responding every time she contacted me. That's why, currently, this NC is so hard. At the end of the day, it's a personal choice so it's up to you what you do. If you feel that there could still be something there then you can either act on it or not.......... Yeah, I wish I knew if there was something still possible in the future between us, but I honestly don't know what her intentions are.... The only reason I would contact her would be to remind her that your feelings for her mean that it's painful for you to talk to her and also to reiterate the whole no contact thing to her. If she wants you, she'll make it known. If she doesn't, you'll have the the peace that you need to move on. Yeah, I may pursue that .. I don't know if she will keep contacting me or not .. I did make it clear a couple weeks ago (when I started the NC) that we couldn't communicate because of the current situation (her being with somebody) and she responded with an "Ok." Now, 2 weeks later (just this past Friday) She called me and then texted me on Sunday. I didn't respond to any of that. I read her text, and I have the option on that whenever you read a text, it shows to the person that I read it. So I don't know if she'll see that and take it as a slap in the face or what not.
Renard99 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Her and I used to go back and forth with each other, talking and then not talking and sometimes I would say something and then she wouldn't respond for weeks. Then reach out to me randomly. Then I would answer, she'd say 2 things then disappear again, it was getting very annoying. But everytime we talked, those feelings came back and I couldn't stray away from it, so I was hooked into responding every time she contacted me. That's why, currently, this NC is so hard. Yeah, I wish I knew if there was something still possible in the future between us, but I honestly don't know what her intentions are.... If you don't know what her intentions are but do know that it hurts to talk then, again, you've answered your own question. What if her intentions are to be just friends with you? You'll be forced to endure the pain that will come from wishing you were more than friends. Yeah, I may pursue that .. I don't know if she will keep contacting me or not .. I did make it clear a couple weeks ago (when I started the NC) that we couldn't communicate because of the current situation (her being with somebody) and she responded with an "Ok." Now, 2 weeks later (just this past Friday) She called me and then texted me on Sunday. I didn't respond to any of that. I read her text, and I have the option on that whenever you read a text, it shows to the person that I read it. So I don't know if she'll see that and take it as a slap in the face or what not. So what if she sees that you've read it? You've already told her that you can't talk to her because it hurts so she already knows why you haven't responded. If she's still offended then she's just ignored what you said. You also haven't said what her text message was to you. If it was 'How's the weather near you?' then she's clearly ignoring your 'I don't want to talk because it hurts'. In which case you need to tell her again. If she said 'I want to be with you' or 'I want to be more than friends' then that's different.
Janni Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you. Her and I used to go back and forth with each other, talking and then not talking and sometimes I would say something and then she wouldn't respond for weeks. Then reach out to me randomly. Then I would answer, she'd say 2 things then disappear again, it was getting very annoying. But everytime we talked, those feelings came back and I couldn't stray away from it, so I was hooked into responding every time she contacted me. That's why, currently, this NC is so hard. Based on what you are telling me, it sounds to me like she is definitely just testing the waters. Are you still available to her? If you are, she can relax and go on with her life. I hope you do whatever feels right for you. Good luck.
Author DarkestBeforeDawn Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 If you don't know what her intentions are but do know that it hurts to talk then, again, you've answered your own question. What if her intentions are to be just friends with you? You'll be forced to endure the pain that will come from wishing you were more than friends. I kind of do get that feeling that "friends" is what it is which hurts to think about and I agree it's best to not endure the pain which I assume NC will eventually cure that. So what if she sees that you've read it? You've already told her that you can't talk to her because it hurts so she already knows why you haven't responded. If she's still offended then she's just ignored what you said. You also haven't said what her text message was to you. If it was 'How's the weather near you?' then she's clearly ignoring your 'I don't want to talk because it hurts'. In which case you need to tell her again. If she said 'I want to be with you' or 'I want to be more than friends' then that's different. Very true. Her text message had nothing to do with "Let's talk about us" or anything along those lines. I am currently in talks of possibly moving out west for a job so she sent a message just saying Hey and asking how that job situation is going. Based on what you are telling me, it sounds to me like she is definitely just testing the waters. Are you still available to her? If you are, she can relax and go on with her life. I hope you do whatever feels right for you. Good luck. I thank you very much for your input. Basically, I was thinking the same thing as your response. I just feel that like her reach-out's to me are breadcrumbs just "testing the waters" like you put it to see if I'm still around and didn't really mean what I said to her about not talking anymore.
Janni Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I thank you very much for your input. Basically, I was thinking the same thing as your response. I just feel that like her reach-out's to me are breadcrumbs just "testing the waters" like you put it to see if I'm still around and didn't really mean what I said to her about not talking anymore. I am sorry, but I do believe so too. Please let me know if you decide on answering her back or any other progress. I hope you are doing alright, despite all of this. You sound like a great guy.
Author DarkestBeforeDawn Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I am sorry, but I do believe so too. Please let me know if you decide on answering her back or any other progress. I hope you are doing alright, despite all of this. You sound like a great guy. I appreciate it .. I really don't think I am going to reach out to her, albeit it hurts to think that. But, I do believe actions speak louder than words, and it's been 3 years since I moved back and not once has see brought up the idea of visiting me .. I asked her numerous times that I would pay for her trip and she said she was either too busy with school and work or just couldn't at the time .. I need her to show me that she cares somehow, don't know if that will happen though. Her reach-outs are great and all, but if it's just like you said "testing the waters" to make sure I'm still around for her whenever she just needs somebody to talk to or w/e as a friend, I literally just can't do that right now with how I feel about her.
Janni Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I appreciate it .. I really don't think I am going to reach out to her, albeit it hurts to think that. But, I do believe actions speak louder than words, and it's been 3 years since I moved back and not once has see brought up the idea of visiting me .. I asked her numerous times that I would pay for her trip and she said she was either too busy with school and work or just couldn't at the time .. I need her to show me that she cares somehow, don't know if that will happen though. Her reach-outs are great and all, but if it's just like you said "testing the waters" to make sure I'm still around for her whenever she just needs somebody to talk to or w/e as a friend, I literally just can't do that right now with how I feel about her. Great! That is exactly how you should be thinking right now. I am so happy, to hear you come to that conclusion. You should not keep putting yourself out there for her. Focus on yourself and what's best for you. I am so happy for you, even though I know it is hard. I've been there. But you are doing great. I want to congratulate you.
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