off2gradskool Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I was a horrible boyfriend to my ex, there's no denying. The only reason why our relationship lasted as long as it did is because, in between the bad moments, we were best friends. After a while though, she'd finally had enough of me and she stopped talking to me for the most part. When I foolishly tried to get her back, it only pushed her further away-- she stopped talking to me entirely, blocked me on facebook, and even blocked my phone number. A couple of years have passed now-- it's been roughly as long since we broke up as we were together. I've moved on, and even found a new girlfriend who i've been with for eight months (though now it's become long-distance, but that's a different story) and love very much. The problem is, I'm constantly worried that I'm slipping into the same tendencies with this girl as I did with the last. But I still can't go a day without feeling regret for how i treated the first girl. I squandered both a relationship and a friendship. I don't ever want to get back together with her, but I do want to be able to have a friendly conversation with her. I think it would be a major success for us both to put aside all of our baggage and be able to talk like the friends we were when the relationship was still young. Problem is, I have no way of telling her this. For all she knows, i'm still crazed and desperate and possibly scary. I can't message her on facebook, I can't send her an email (I think she blocked me there too), I can't call or text her. And she's living in Japan, so it's not like we ever see the same people. If I could just have an okay conversation with this girl, it might take so. much. pressure. off my current relationship, since i will spend less time worrying about what might happen and more time actually being a decent guy to the girl I now love, while she's abroad. So there's a lot riding on this: the remains of my last relationship, my current one, and my mental health (which has, as I implied, never been stellar). What should I do? Not sure if this is the right forum-- it didn't seem to fit the "Coping" one too well either.
ColdAlone Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Write an email to her, but never send it or send it to yourself. Thats about all you can and should do. Some people would consider it selfish to want to contact her for your own needs. What major success for the both of you ? She's living a life without you. It's just for you.
aybc123 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Write an email to her, but never send it or send it to yourself. Thats about all you can and should do. Some people would consider it selfish to want to contact her for your own needs. What major success for the both of you ? She's living a life without you. It's just for you. Sounds like he's living a life too. You dont know that she doesnt feel some regret over how things ended too, although leaving him blocked on facebook is probably not a good sign. It sounds like you cant do anything though so perhaps best just to leave it buddy. If you truly love the girl youre with now then focus on that, nothing that your ex can say can change your current relationship.
Standard-Fare Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Why exactly would speaking to your ex take so much pressure off your current relationship? It sounds like you've recognized the mistakes you made with your past girlfriend and feel genuine regret for them. But what would stop you now from applying those lessons you learned to your current relationship? It seems like you're making up an excuse to hold yourself back: Without the reconciliation with the ex, you feel you can't make genuine progress. But really, the internal aspect of this is so much more important than any reaction from your ex. Even if you found a way to reach out to your ex (which sounds like it could be difficult... and probably unwanted on your ex's end), you might not get the response you're looking for. It seems like she'd be likely to either ignore you or tell you to f*ck off. Your ex has no responsibility to forgive you or to assure you that you're actually a good person.
Author off2gradskool Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Thanks for the advice. I hate my life. All I want is to be able to have a conversation with her. My current relationship is going to go down the toilet. She'll turn me away and I'll never be able to talk to her again either. I can sense it. I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
Standard-Fare Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I don't think you're giving the full story here, which is fine... But it's not clear what tendencies you're worried about slipping back into with your current GF, and why you think you're going to mess things up again. This may be completely in your control. You've recognized and taken the blame for what you've done wrong in the past... that's a mature step. The next one is making sure you don't fall into those bad patterns again.
Author off2gradskool Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 The tendencies relate to an anxiety disorder I have. The more worried I get about the relationship, the more panicky and difficult to be around I get, the worse the relationship gets, the more I panic. It's a vicious cycle. Eventually, the girl has no choice but to avoid me completely. I've seen therapists. I've taken medication. I even checked myself into a hospital once to get help. Nothing helps...except feeling safe and comfortable with the person I love. If I had a way of knowing that it will be all right, I think my current relationship has a better chance. But if I don't get some encouraging signs that things will be, even in the worst case, okay between me and my current girlfriend, I don't like my chances of making this or any future relationship work.
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