gjc Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 My ex-girlfriend of nearly 4 years ended our relationship over the phone about 4 months ago. The relationship had a very passionate and emotional beginning (which involved the break-up of my prior relationship), but did settle down and we both said during our time together that neither of us had experienced this intensity of feeling for another person before. Although we lived together on and off during this time, the complication is/was that I have three young children, and their mother, my ex-wife. My ex-girlfriend met the children several times, but I spent a lot of time with them myself (their mother and my ex-girlfriend were not friendly, and that's an understatement). This ate into the time I spent with my ex, including Christmas, holidays, and I once had to miss her birthday. Our last 6 months together there was clearly something wrong with our relationship and I made it clear that we needed to talk about it, but we never talked and sometimes things were ok, sometimes not. And then in June this year, we were going out one Friday evening and she stood me up and then called me to say that it was over. It occurred to me that there might be someone else involved, but she said that she already had one 'invisible man', she didn't need another one. Over the next few weeks, we e-mailed each other and she was friendly. I was, supposedly, her best friend, but I had too many other priorities other than her which is why the relationship broke down. Then suddenly, the tone of her e-mails changed: she was obviously angry about something and she started to imply that I'd wasted 4 years of her life and that she'd lived a half-life at that. Since then (about three months ago), I've heard nothing at all from her. I still have her door keys and she hasn't asked for them. She still has my things at her house despite me asking for them quite a few times. It all sounds odd. She's 36 years old, not some stupid teenager playing games. It's gone beyond attempting to reconcile, but 3 months ago I was her "best friend", now she despises me so much that she won't even speak to me. It's making me think that she's right and we have been wasting years of each other's lives. There are many happy memories in our relationship. And because of this, they're all a little soured. What do you think ? Should I continue trying to communicate ? Should I just wait ? Why is she doing this ?
headinthecloud Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I think there's more to this story than what you're sharing. The term "invisible man" says a lot.
ColdAlone Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I think it's best to move on from this one. Always take the last information she gave you. Wich in this case is it's over.
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Your relationship sounds similar to mine except i was the female. He had a couple of kids, interests that took up a lot of his time, never made me a priority. Its over now but I have to say when I used to think of him I'd always think of him with affection. Now I only have resentment and it has soured my memories of the good times. I dont know how your ex feels but I personally want nothing to do with my ex. I dont want to be friends, dont want to hear from him, dont care whats going on with him, if i never see him again then Id be ok with that. Before you contact her consider how you will feel if she rejects you again.
Author gjc Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 What happened between affection and resentment. Did you think that he'd been purposefully wasting your time ? If you knew about kids/other things from the beginning then why did this become an issue ? Also, what was your relationship like with the kids mother ?
Author gjc Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 I posted on here myself a few days ago about a particularly difficult break-up for me. I was dumped over the phone after 4 years and she's ignored me since. But, I came to this forum via google, because I searched for something like "will my ex ever come back to me", but I knew that question couldn't be answered by google; what I actually wanted was validation from others in a similar situation that she was in the wrong and I was in the right, that ex-girlfriends do get in touch with their partners after 4 months of ignoring, that she just needed space and after a given amount of time, perhaps after her dating some other loser she'd realise how wonderful I really was and she'd be knocking on my door instantly. But reading quite a few other posts in this section of the forum I believe that I've been delusional, and a lot of you are too. Don't take this the wrong way - some of us may have been treated emotionally badly, perhaps most of us are suffering from a massive loss of confidence/self-esteem right now, we may have been led up the garden path by someone, we may have lost more than they clearly have..... but when you think about it, rationally... ...you don't separate with someone so that it will get better in the future (sure, you may separate and later get involved with them again, but why would you plan that). You separate with someone because you're unhappy with them, you think you can do better with your life, you really can't be bothered, you don't love them enough, they're not a good fit, you used to like them but you changed or they changed, circumstances mean it's just not going to realistically work (long distance, kids, allergic to cats, etc). I think we all realise, at least after a while, that believing that a relationship that ends unilaterally will kind of be resurrected by the efforts/non-efforts of the one that got dumped is a fantasy. Yet, we do this because it becomes almost a continuation of the relationship itself; because we keep a mental connection open with them. We imagine that they're somewhere wondering what we're doing, we imagine that they're thinking 'God I'm so lonely right now, I wish I hadn't broken up with X'. I've realised, rather too late, having wasted months on this self-indulgent "she loves me really, she's come around" nonsense, that the whole thing is win-win for me. If she thought that breaking up our relationship so she could come back on a white charger at a later date and it would be better for us both, she's crazy, irrational and immature. If she never "comes around" and wakes up to the "reality" that we were perfect for each other, then stands to reason we clearly were not perfect for each other. My other realisation was that, reading a particular thread, it's quite addictive to want to 'love someone' rather than a particular person. Reviewing my particular relationship, I realise that in my current weakened emotional state, everything reminds me of her, every place is somewhere we've been together, blah, blah, blah. Yet, during the relationship I knew full well (and made notes in a diary) that I wasn't always particularly happy with the way things were going. So, a bit of false memory syndrome applies, too. Lastly, I enjoyed the sex. And I rationalise that with - I'll get that again (fingers crossed !). So, don't live in a fantasy land of self-pity, self-indulgence, etc. Grief a little, dust yourself down and move on. And don't listen to other people's stories about how after 6 months they came back and it was happy ever after. I'm sure some of the time it is.... but maybe not wish for that. 2
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 What happened between affection and resentment. Did you think that he'd been purposefully wasting your time ? If you knew about kids/other things from the beginning then why did this become an issue ? Also, what was your relationship like with the kids mother ? The resentment came with the way he dealt with the last BU. It's like a switch goes off in his mind one day and he just decides it's not going to work. The way he dragged it out and then finally ended it was horrible. I just realized what sort of person he really was, and how completely uncaring he is. How one day he's telling me he loves me and literally the next day doesn't. They were just words he said and they meant nothing. BU are never good but there are ways to go about it and ways to not go about it. And yeah I think part of it was wasting my time. I think he thought he just didn't want to be on his own and doubted he would meet someone else so he thought you'll do. What changed? In the beginning he actually made time for me. I accepted he had kids and other things in his life that would take up his time. That wasn't the issue. Everyone does. But in the beginning we would go out, he wanted to spend time with me. The issues came later one when I was always LAST on the list. He never once put me first ever. He never once said let me take you out for dinner, never bought me flowers just because, never did anything that made me feel that i mattered to him. Hindsight is great and I can see now how crap the relationship was for me. i think it was just more of a convenience thing for him and when it wasn't convenient for him anymore he ditched me. As soon as there were any issues in the relationship he would just bail. His idea of a relationship is it being exciting and happy all the time. To me that is just unrealistic. It's not a movie.
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