user3434 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Hello everybody. This is my first post and the reason/way I found this site like I'm sure many of you have. I'm currently going through a breakup. I feel terrible basically because she moved to be with me and it didn't work out. Here's a summary of the situation: I've been with this girl for nearly two years. We're both mid twenty's, both work out butts off, and have fought tooth and nail to keep this thing together and have probably delayed this for months at this point in time. When we met I had a lot going on in my life and was probably not in a position to be in a relationship. She was done with school and had a pretty good job, while I was in school and on a paid internship with a company but wasn't making much. I was working another job, and my classes were really hard and time consuming so I didn't have much time to commit. I had just got out of an ugly relationship and gave myself next to no time to recover (probably a month or so). Well we ended up falling in love but almost immediately she expressed her unhappiness with not seeing me enough. I assured her that it was only temporary and that when I was done with school that things would change. It was rough on her but she hung in there for me while I did what I had to do. About 10 months into our relationship I finished school and got a really good job making quite a bit of money. I worked about 45 miles away and made the commute everyday (so I could see her more) and put in pretty long hours. She was upset that we still didn't get to see each other much. I would see her 3-4 times a week and usually we did one thing on the weekends (dinner, movie etc.) and we'd go somewhere for a few nights (Vegas etc.) about every 2 months. This was working just fine for me but it wasn't enough for her. This went on until we were together for a year and a half or so. 4 months ago I got promoted at work. They moved me to another account about 70 miles (about 2 1/2 hours in LA/OC traffic) from where we lived, although we didn't live together. We talked about and I told her that it was just too far for me to commute so I would be moving. SHE brought up that she could transfer her job. Long story short-she transferred her job and ended up moving with me. NOW here's the catch: I paid the rent all by myself and only my name is on the lease (the rent itself is about $1500 a month). I paid for basically everything besides her clothes although she has a good job; all of this was just fine with me. I did this because it was because of me that we moved out here and she was kind enough to transfer her job and leave to be with me. Welp, things didn't get better. I would pay for everything, take her out once a week, vacation every 2 months, we would work out together, have dinner together every night, sex life was great, and just about all I asked was that I could play poker and golf on Friday night/Saturday mornings. She started telling me how SHE is putting all the effort in and how she has no life other than me. I couldn't understand how she would say this. This was a reoccurring fight until it got to the point one day where she had a nervous breakdown and told me how she "hates me" and that I'm a "piece of ****". She cried and said how awesome I am and so I forgave her but then she slipped up and it happened again- another breakdown 2 weeks ago. I forgave her again. I told myself that if this was to happen again that I would be done. So this passed weekend of course she loses her mind again and tells me that she doesn't feel comfortable living with me and that she is done. I told her that I'm done as well and that she needed to leave. She lost her wits even worse and was throwing a temper-tantrum on the ground kicking and screaming. She was a mess so I slept on the couch and let her stay for the night, but the next day she started blaming everything on me so I told her to GTFO. Now my phone has been ringing 20 times a day, I'm getting texts how I ruined her life and how she moved for me and transferred her job and now she's screwed. She is doing everything she can to make me feel bad and I guess it is working, I've been miserable. I feel terrible and feel as if this whole moving thing was a mistake, but should I feel bad about anything at all? She offered to move, I paid for everything anyways...she couldn't keep things civil when we fought and I couldn't take her seriously anymore. I'm starting to really beat myself up over this....am I not being fair to myself? I'm second guessing almost every aspect of how I dealt with our relationship.
aybc123 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 No sounds like youve acted pretty well and that she's mentally unstable and needs to get help. Although the fact that you didnt particularly want to help her and decided to breakup pretty quick would suggest that maybe youd kind of distanced yourself from the relationship emotionally previously due to you having to pay for everything, and that maybe that was why she was acting out, so perhaps you could both work on honest communication in future relationships. Anyway it sounds like you do not love her so it's over. So for now just stay calm send her an email or something she'll read explaining that you wont be talking to her whilst she's being like this but that that doesnt mean you dont care. That she needs to go see a therapist and sort out her life but that you wish her the best and that if she wants to reconnect as friends but only ever as friends after this then she's more than welcome to. If not then you wish her the best. Be kind but firm and honest and then just continue living your life.
Standard-Fare Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 It sounds like the bigger problem is your girlfriend never made a real effort to build her own life in your new location.... it seems like she relied on you entirely for all of her needs -- romantic, financial, social. So the simple things you wanted to do on your own (i.e. poker night) felt like "abandonment" to her. Not healthy, obviously. I don't know what you guys did, if anything, to address this problem of her lack of independence. Did she ever try to pursue her own friendships and hobbies? Of course it sounds like it's too late to deal with that, if things already exploded. I don't think you should feel terrible for putting an end to a situation that was dysfunctional and unhappy for both of you. If you ever contact her again, you should be sure to explain that aspect of things clearly -- that you had to call it quits because you recognized that she wasn't happy, wasn't able to lead her own life, and that the relationship had become unhealthy. In the end, it will do her some good to stand on her own two feet and figure out who she is and what she wants. 1
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