startingover1028 Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 quest for love I just want to say that as an OW who was suddenly "dumped" because of a realization of the commitment and caring for his family, your postings have opened my eyes and helped me realize that someone can have strong feelings for another and yet, still turn on a dime and, walk away. It helps me to feel less "worthless" to understand that maybe his feelings (or lack thereof) for me were not the issue. Thanks
murasaki Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 You have already inflicted this pain on her. And even if she never finds out the truth. YOU will know it. That's inescapable, and it will always be between you, keeping you from the level of intimacy that you in actuality crave. How will marriage counseling help you if you're holding back the facts? It's doomed to failure if you don't put your cards on the table. And you're just dragging this woman through more years of your own denial, because you can't face the man that you are. Not fair. I think these two points are the crux of the matter. I've been listening to you, quest, and I don't discount the fact that, even before your affair, your wife has been conducting herself in a way that was damaging your marriage. You say that you directly asked her to change, to not take up new activities that excluded you, etc. -- and yet your pleas fell on deaf ears. I believe you. Now, maybe the separation has been enough of a wake-up call for your wife to realize that she needs to change her ways a bit -- but don't you think she ought to know the full depths of the problems between the two of you? I'm not suggesting for one minute that you reveal the affair to her with the implicit suggestion that it was her fault that you cheated. Obviously that's not true. But you both need to look at the situation in its entirety, and all of the things that contributed to each of the elements in your situation. Your wife needs to understand just how dire the situation actually is. Yes, it will hurt her. But keeping the truth from her will hurt her more down the road: if you can't repair the marriage and the two of your divorce, she'll always wonder "what if I'd known about his affair?" (Cause you know she'd find out sooner or later, esp. if you & OW get together). If you do repair the marriage it will be based on a lie, and as Ladyjane has pointed out your marriage will lack the honest intimacy that you do very much seem to be craving. Let your wife see you, all of you. The bad and the good.
Devildog Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 Originally posted by quest for love Don't get me wrong. I do care for the well-being of my W. She is so sweet and kind and loving. She makes a great wife and any guy would be so lucky to have her as a wife. She just doesn't "do it" for me. It's hard to explain. Do you believe that you would be truly happy if you were with you OW? or would you miss your wife? I would certainly miss my W. She is a great woman and I would hope that we could be friends if we divorced. I think it would be very tough for her to do that, but if it were a possibility, I would like it. I have even mentioned to my OW that my W would make an excellent God-mother. I know I am getting back into this abit late, but this post just left me flabbergasted. You discussed, with the woman you were having an affair with, having kids. This while still married and lying to your wife. And you decided you would like her to be the godmother of your child with the OW? Exactly which drugs were you taking that you even considered this a possibility? If you leave your marriage for the OW, your wife will HATE you. You have no children together, what makes you think she would even want to spit on you if you were on fire? Originally posted by quest for love Both my OW and I agree that my wife is a special person. She is more special than anyone I've ever met. So how have you justified all the horrible things you have been doing to her for the past 6 months? You both think your wife is a special person that deserves your betrayal and dishonesty? How does that work? Please explain to me how you have been able to look at yourself in the mirror these past 6 months. If ever I heard of someone needing counseling....
murasaki Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 To questforlove and KissMyTiara in particular, but of course to all who read & participate on this thread. A few weeks ago I suggested that KMT's advice was probably self-serving, as she was an OW herself. She rightly slapped my wrist by pointing out: NO, I am not seeking to validate my position as an OW, nor am I hoping MM will leave W. If you really have read my posts, you would know that I ended things with MM a while ago. So there! But apparently that's no longer true: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t53881/ KMT, this thread isn't about your situation of course, and in all honesty I'm not trying to diss you or comment in any way on your situation. But I do think it's important to note that it does indeed look like the advice you offered questforlove was coming from an OW who is still very hooked on her MM. Complicated situations, I know, and I'm sorry you're struggling in yours. Questforlove, I hope you're getting yourself sorted out!
KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by murasaki KMT, this thread isn't about your situation of course, and in all honesty I'm not trying to diss you or comment in any way on your situation. But I do think it's important to note that it does indeed look like the advice you offered questforlove was coming from an OW who is still very hooked on her MM. Complicated situations, I know, and I'm sorry you're struggling in yours. I AM CURRENTLY still very hooked on my MM. When I wrote that, I was not. I was in a spot where I honestly thought I had ended things with him. Problem is, you can't unilaterally end things with a MM without telling him about it...he always wiggles his way in!
murasaki Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara I AM CURRENTLY still very hooked on my MM. When I wrote that, I was not. I was in a spot where I honestly thought I had ended things with him. Problem is, you can't unilaterally end things with a MM without telling him about it...he always wiggles his way in! I'm really sorry you're struggling, I know what that's like. There's a difference between wanting to be over him and actually being over him. When it's the former, there's still hope there in your heart, and that's what I was responding to when I suggested that your advice to qfl was perhaps trying to validate what you were feeling & hoping for yourself. Believe me, I know the painful difference between wanting to be over someone (but you're really not, the door to your heart is still open a crack & thus you're susceptible to his overtures) and really being over him. Anway, didn't mean to take this thread too far off topic. Good luck KMT.
DoggyDog Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Reading and getting myself more sick to my stomach. I was the OW and it's only two months since MM called things off. I'm sick of hearing about the W... and how everything is about her and her feeling. This MM is in love with the OW....not the W...is that so hard to understand.. I'm sure he is in turmoil on thoughts of what he should or shouldn't do..Whatever he decides will be for HIM and his happiness in life. I know my MM was a mess. When I lost saw him before the breakup he was 50 lbs thinner. Not only from being a diabetic which he had just found out, but I know in his heart that I was also the cause of his distress and unhappiness. He couldn't deal with the guilt any longer. I don't think he was able to look at himself in good standing anymore. Knowing that he was deceiving two women. Yes, he left me behind..and I am dealing with the pain everyday still. It won't leave me, especially since I gave him my "YOUTH". I don't know if he is "HAPPY" in his decision. I will never know. But I do know that hanging on to the OW for years and not leaving the W does more hurt than the "breaking up". My years 20+ are gone and I can't get them back. I wish he would have left me a long time ago. I wish I would have LEFT HIM a long time ago. It's too late now but if I can help a MM or OW in a relationship to either make it or break it before those years slip by while your in "LOVE"..then that is what I'm trying to do. Don't get me wrong. They were wonderful years and every MM and OW have that feeling while together, but honestly, the PAIN when they say "Goodbye" is so much worse when there has been years of the Affair. Make your choice now before those months linger into years. Give your W or the OW a LIFE with or without you. PLEASE! L DD
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 I really commend how you worded your post. Very heartfelt and honest. The sad thing is, no matter how many people here try and ward off others from making the same mistake by getting involved with a married person or if a married person decides to have an affair, they will not learn by "other people's" mistakes...They have to go through it themselves and then at some painful point realized WTF am I doing and why didn't I see this coming??? If only.... But that is just how people are. You can tell a child 100 times, "Don't touch that stovetop! You will burn your hand!" Some kids will touch it anyway.
Grinning Maniac Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 Over 20 years? Holy ****. You wasted your time with that guy longer than I've been ALIVE. That's crazy. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but g'damn!... After "Year Ten of Relationship-Masturbation" rolled around, why didn't you just go: "...**** it." I mean, it's not even like you left. He ditched you. How long were you planning on hanging around? Until grey hairs and wrinkles? Death? o_O Within 20 years, you more than likely could have found someone just like that guy somewhere, minus the baggage. Genetic dice, ya know? If you haven't already, go out and live! Hopefully chaos-free... Save up and move to Cancun or something. Damn... WWIU, yeah...I know what you mean. I've been here a while now and I think I can count the number of "happy ending" stories on one hand. But the "tragedies"? Oh boy...I think I'd use up everyone's hands on that one. All the evidence in the world and people still try to beat the odds. It's unbelievable. It's like watching people play Russian Rolette with a clip-loaded pistol.
DoggyDog Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 Grinning Maniac, YUP!!!! It was a trip. Talk about Cacun...maybe not that far but we did go to California and Florida just to name a few....and in answer to the "BIG ONE", Yes, I did plan on being with him til DEATH!! Sounds crazy now but I put everything in his name (L Ins, Retirement, etc). I even had his check book that I had checks for money he'd give me (allowance)...He always said he would make sure of my burial and knew what I wanted. 20+ yrs........Of course, everything is reversed now. and the PLOT (pun on words), is my brother has given me a grave site with my parents, so the HELL with MM taking care of me....I'll be fine. L DD
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