OW or wife forever? How important is true love?

[Joyce]

You sound confused like you don't know what you want.

[Anais]

quest for love,

 

I did end it with my OW today. Forever seems awfully final, but that is how we are both interpreting the breakup.

 

I guess i thought I was giving my marriage a good shot, but perhaps it isn't possible with me in love with the OW.

 

Why would I ever tell my W that I had an affair? It would hurt her so much. Whether I stay with her or go, I can't tell her that for both selfish and selfless reasons.

 

If I were in place of your wife I would want to know about the affair. I don’t want a “nice” family and cheating husband.

 

I would want to know even I had 10 kids. Living all alone in poverty the rest of my life I prefer over living with a cheater.

 

I think she deserves to meet someone who loves her and doesn’t cheat on her. She will get over you. Don‘t worry.

 

If you really love her do it for her. Tell her you cheated. Maybe you have chance to have a happy life with OW.

 

See you don’t want to hurt your W but you hurt OW and at the same time you lie your W.

 

The difference is you won’t pay alimony to OW but you will pay to wife in case of divorce.

[quest for love]

Originally posted by Joyce

You sound confused like you don't know what you want.

 

I am. That's why I came here. I was hoping to find some answers.

[Joyce]

We can offer advise based our own experiences. No one here contains the answers to your life. You can only find that within yourself. You have a lot of soul searching to do.

[murasaki]

Originally posted by quest for love

Our marriage is more than just companionship. She is in love with me. I love her and care for her deeply. I know when it's put in these terms it must seem so empty, but in reality i think our marriage is better than 90% of marriages out there. It isn't emotionless, by any stretch, but it isn't good in that department either.

 

There's really one thing missing: my feelings for her aren't what they should be.

 

Thought I'd said all I had to say but I find this especially telling: what a nice position to be in, don't you think? A woman who you say is fabulous, etc. is in love with you, and would overlook your infidelity and the hurt you've already caused her in order to stay with you. You have a marriage that you say is better than 90% of the marriages out there. Sounds like a good place to be! I can't blame you for not wanting to give that position up. Can you honestly say that's not the reason that you're reluctant to tell your wife about your affair ... because then she might not be in love with you anymore?

 

Some women do cling to men that don't love them in return, yes. But for a lot of women, being "in love" with someone is a function of knowing that they're in love with you too. Knowing that they adore you and think about you, etc. Discovering that's not the case hurts, absolutely. But part of the fallout is often ceasing to be "in love" yourself. Perhaps you're afraid of losing that?

 

Just imagine what your life would be like if, by some miracle, you managed to "fall back in love" with your wife and rebuild your marriage -- but you never told her about your affair. You would be forever worried about what would happen if she found out. You would forever have a lump of guilt eating away at you. And the thing about long-festering guilt is that it often leads people to be cruel to the very people they feel guilty towards.

 

Don't be a coward. Don't kid yourself that your withholding the info from your wife is helping her, or your marriage.

[Owl]

So, let me sum up what I've learned about your relationships so far:

 

1. You love your wife, but you're not "in love" with her anymore.

 

2. You still deeply care for your wife, and would love it if you could end up still friends with her after you leave her to be with the OW.

 

3. You're deeply "in love" with the OW. You feel she's your "soulmate". She "sings" to you. You and her mesh perfectly.

 

4. You don't want to tell your wife because it would hurt her so much to know the truth.

 

 

OMG...are you my wife in disguise??? Go read my thread....read the posts I've replied to with bits of my story. But remember, don't listen to OWL, because he doesn't know anything about a REAL affair. Sheesh.

 

Everything you have described here is so textbook classic to what an affair is like, you could be almost anyone on this site. You're rationalizing everything you can to hide the affair and keep it going. You're totally convinced that your case is somehow different, and that your love for this OW is something "meant to be".

 

You came here looking for answers according to your post above...fine.

 

LISTEN TO WHAT THE MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE HERE ARE TELLING YOU THEN. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!

[Stinkerbelle]

65% of marriages which are marred by infidelity of either spouse, result in divorce. That means only 35% make it -- and that 35% make it because they are willing to both do the work, and they are lucky.

70% of marriages which begin as affairs end in divorce. That means only 30% make it -- and they make it because they've had a little introspection, both people have dealt with their issues, work hard, and again, enjoy a little luck, too.

 

Either way, the odds aren't good, and you have to be willing to do the work on yourself and your relationships, in order to not fail, and remarry later, and fail again...

[veronese]

Questforlove

 

Reading through your threads as left me a little bemused. You seem to really care for your wife, respect her, get along with her, have a marriage that in your opinion is probably better than 90% of other marriages out there, but the 'zing' isn't there between you both anymore.

 

You've been having an affair for the past six months, are completely head over heels with this woman, have been in contact with her every day through this period, and you believe her to be your 'soul mate' (God I hate that term, how many times have we heard that??!)

 

My gut reaction to your situation is that you're wasting your time going through the motions with your wife. Your heart isn't in it and you're fixated on your soul mate.

 

Your wife, poor woman, apparently loves you and is oblivious to your philandering ways.

 

Well Q4L, you know what you want to do so there doesn't seem much point in waiting for our blessings. The amount of energy, emotion and time you have given to your OW these past six months will have left your wife neglected in many ways. If you gave her the amount of attention and affection you've been giving the OW, you may have found things very different between you both. When did you last treat her with such devotion and passion? She's probably shut down to you over the years because despite the love she has for you, you've made it clear her feelings aren't reciprocated. She needs a bloody medal for sticking with you this long.

 

My advice? Either:

 

Have no contact with miss gorgeous.

 

Start focusing on your wife, wholeheartedly.

 

Try to absorb all the posts on this thread, put the words into actions (Owls advice on helpful literature and threads;others advice on starting to stop deluding yourself and stop this nonsense)

 

Make a monumental effort to comprehend the reality of your situation. You are lucky to have such a good wife. You have succumbed to the age old temptation of the illicit, secretive life of forbidden love

.

The only thing that is missing in your marriage appears to be some excitement and passion (apart from the obvious element of honest and fidelity). Your situation is identical to so many others, try browsing further through this forum (try Joyce for starters). You're being completely foolish to believe that six months of sneaking around to be with this woman can in any way warrant your feelings for her. You don't really know this woman. Your relationship's been based on lies. You're liaisons are fraught with delirious feelings of happiness on the one hand, and desperate feelings of longing when you have to part.

 

Recognise that you had the same feelings for your wife for the first six months together. You've been seeing OW for six months too haven't you? And six months of snatched moments at that, six months of juggling your double life and the needs of two women.

 

This is AN AFFAIR! Recognise it!

 

Commit yourself to your wife and marriage 100% for 6 months, try and get some counselling.

 

If you manage or are even willing to do all of the above and you still don't recapture the old chemistry between you and your wife, then move on, WITHOUT having already lined up your mistress.

 

 

OR:

 

If you're too stubborn, disinterested, shallow and weak to look at this sorry tale objectively, stop torturing yourself and start divorce proceedings immediately. If you and this temptress are truly meant to be with each other, your love will survive the time it will take for you to close the door kindly, sensitively and respectfully on your marriage.

 

Personally I feel that you're determined to continue this fantasy of a life with the OW so when you've spent a few years living and loving her in a real, less exciting relationship, I think we'd all very much love to hear if the grass really did turn out to be greener for you...

 

My guess is that it won't.

[SadAndLonely]

I'm sorry, but I have to shake my head when I hear ANYONE say, "I've been with my SO for six months, and it's true love. No, I mean it! It's something special!!" After you hear so many people say this, it makes you roll your eyes. Now, if I heard someone say it after being with their SO for 20 years, I'd be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt. I've lived with boyfriends before. Each time I was sure he was "the one". I mean, absolutely positive about it. When we didn't live together it was wonderful. When we did, when more than a year had passed, and when real life set in, I realized the truth. I've been with my current boyfriend for over six months now, and while I do love him, I'm nowhere near ready to say that he's "the one", because I know that six months isn't long enough to base a relationship on. I know there are some people who would disagree, but they're few and far between, or haven't been with their SO for a long time.

 

Do your wife a favor and let her have a better man.

 

By the way, it's not too late to not get married. It's as simple as saying, "God, I've made a huge mistake, and I'm so sorry, but I can't marry you." You don't marry someone because the only other choice is to break up. Geez.

[veronese]

as you've been so absorbed and preoccupied cheating on your wife with this woman, presumably your wife must have had time on her hands when you were out gallivanting.

 

And as you two are childless I can only presume your wife will have to keep herself occupied during your absences, both the mental and physical ones.

 

How funny would it be if she were cheating on you? She's had the time, you've given her the space, and I bet you're so self-absorbed with your affair you wouldn't have even noticed!

 

Now wouldn't that be interesting. How would you feel if she was? Because facts are you're distraction has created an ideal situation for her to pull it off undetected.

 

Even though I am very strongly against infidelity, I could possibly make an exception in your wife's case.

[veronese]

Q4L

 

I suspect when you read the replies you may be thinking that none of us appreciate the depths of your feelings for the OW. That our advice is well meant but not terribly helpful because we underestimate how connected and close you two have become. That in your case this relationship is not just another tale of a man having his cake and eating it, it's a lot more serious than that. The feelings you have for her are all consuming, powerful and overwhelming.

 

However, your feelings are real and I think most of us don't mean to under value them. You must be in turmoil dealing with such intense emotions and no doubt are confused about everything. I don't envy you in your position right now, having to cope with losing the OW yet still feeling so intensely attached to her must be horrible.

 

We can see your predicament but as outsiders also see the larger picture. Most of us have been affected by infidelity one way or the other and are familiar with the consequences. But we also have learned from our experiences and are genuinely trying to help you with this dilemma.

 

Your marriage sounds like it's worth trying to salvage and repair. What you have with the OW may well be a rare exception to the rule, an isolated case of true love. We don't really know. But we do know that how you are feeling about all of this is very typical of extra marital affairs. Your words echo the words of so many before you. That doesn't mean to say they're irrelevant, but please please try to believe that whatever is lacking in your marriage has made you seek an outlet to fulfill your needs. The consequences being developing a relationship with someone outside your marriage who has managed to light your fire and make you feel alive again. It's not unusual, and neither are your feelings.

 

It's a tough situation to be going through, but you can turn it around if you want to.

 

Don't destroy your marriage for this. What you have with your wife is worth some effort to save. Please give it a go.

[Joyce]

I've finally taken the time to read all of your posts on this thread. There are plenty of us that have once felt the same way as you. One thing that you said stuck with me is that you said you know your wife would stay with you if she found out. That's really interesting to hear. My H once told me he loved me so much that he would most likely stay with me even if I had an affair. That was way before my OM came into my life and for some reason those words stuck with me. When I really did have an A it was easier because in the back of my mind I knew that if I still wanted my H he would be there. It was nice having the comfort of knowing I could always go back to my H if things with the OM didn't work out.

 

I don't doubt that you truly love your OW. You will realize one day how different affairs are. You don't spend enough time in the "real world" to truly get to know this OW. Trust me I know. Not a day went by that I didn't talk to my OM atleast 3-4x a day. In fact I spent more time with him than I did my H. I lived a fantasy and blocked out the negative. I can almost bet that if you left your W today to be with the OW it would not last. I have not met one person on LS that lived happily ever after or even a year with their OW/OM.

 

Please correct me if I am wrong but I think you realize that your relationship with the OW may not work out. If you didn't have any doubts you would be with her and you would not be on LS waiting for someone to tell you it will work out.

 

My advice to you is to figure out what you want. Don't worry about telling your wife. Not right now. I don't think it will do any good to tell your wife when you don't even know what you want. Think about all the pros and cons of each relationship. What would make you the happiest? Which relationship do you doubt the most? After you have done a lot of soul searching and decision making then it's time to tell your W. If you stay with her or leave she needs to know. We can't tell you what to do. You need to follow your heart. If you decide to work on your marriage then be 100% committed and make sure you are completely honest. If you decide to leave then do it. Don't waste anymore time on being selfish.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by Joyce

One thing that you said stuck with me is that you said you know your wife would stay with you if she found out. That's really interesting to hear. My H once told me he loved me so much that he would most likely stay with me even if I had an affair. That was way before my OM came into my life and for some reason those words stuck with me. When I really did have an A it was easier because in the back of my mind I knew that if I still wanted my H he would be there.

 

 

Wow, I'm sure I've said that before too. What a fool!

 

Sylvia

[Stinkerbelle]

That they can trust again, but it is too much.

 

And that is how 65% of them end up getting divorced after the affair. It's hard to trust again.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Joyce

I can almost bet that if you left your W today to be with the OW it would not last. I have not met one person on LS that lived happily ever after or even a year with their OW/OM.

 

I have spent a LOT of time on LS (not just as this name, KMT)...all unhappy time. When I was dating someone that I adored and everything was going perfectly, I spent absolutely NO time on here. Perhaps the reason why we have not encounted MM/MW and OW/OM living happily ever after once they leave their W/H is because they no longer feel the need to commiserate and seek advice from the fellow downtrotten.

[murasaki]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

I have spent a LOT of time on LS (not just as this name, KMT)...all unhappy time. When I was dating someone that I adored and everything was going perfectly, I spent absolutely NO time on here. Perhaps the reason why we have not encounted MM/MW and OW/OM living happily ever after once they leave their W/H is because they no longer feel the need to commiserate and seek advice from the fellow downtrotten.

 

I think that this is a good point -- people who are happy in their relationships tend to not feel a need to discuss them (especially with strangers on an anonymous discussion board!). But that could be just as true of married couples who have survived an infidelity and are happy, as it is of people who got together through an affair that led to a divorce.

 

When I've been stuck in relationship problems that I didn't know how to resolve, I would turn to others for advice, and was often frustrated by what I heard them saying, because they really didn't seem to get where I was coming from. I have a history of dating "complicated" men with lots 'o baggage, and my friends and family would point out that I was suffering a lot for no good reason, that whatever Mr. Wrong's circumstances were, his behavior was inexcusable, etc. And I got frustrated because I thought that they just didn't know the whole story. Which was sometimes true. But when I look back on those situations now, I see that on some levels my friends and family were absolutely right. Maybe it was the language used, maybe they were just points I wasn't ready or willing to see and accept.

 

Questforlove, it's hard to take others' advice, especially when it's advocating something you don't really want to do (e.g. tell your wife, really and truly say goodbye to the OW, or file for divorce). I can appreciate that you probably can't talk to anyone in your life about this, and I can appreciate that it's hard to take the advice of perfect strangers. You know nothing about me, so why should you accept my advice (or that of anyone else here)?

 

Like I said earlier, you'll do what seems right to you, when you're ready to do it. What I can suggest in the meantime is engaging your head just a little bit (not saying that you haven't yet, but there's always room for more thoughtful reflection). Someone here suggested therapy and that sounds like a really good idea.

[quest for love]

I want to take the time to thank everyone for their replies. I know that I need to take much of the negative responses towards me with a grain of salt because either a) you don't understand my situation, or b) you have it our for anyone who cheats. But i do respect those who were brutally honest in what they thought, even though it wasn't what I necessarily wanted to hear. I came to this forum with an open mind and I have tried my best to understand where everyone was coming from.

 

My error in all of this was in violating my wife's trust and (in one way) renagging on the commitment I made to her on our wedding day. But in truth, my marriage was headed towards sadness and loneliness until this affair happened. Now I can see what was lacking in our marriage, what needs weren't being fulfilled (on both our parts) and how to fix them. I believe that without this affair, my marriage was in serious trouble. After it, it has a chance.

 

After reading these posts I have decided to take the next steps. I have broken it off with the OW (as hard as that was) and left no expectations for reuniting. I told her that I would only contact her once I figured things out. From this point on it was not fair to either of them. I need to make a decision and decide what I want.

 

My wife and I are planning on going to councilling and we have already started to put in better efforts to finding the feelings I lack.

 

You are right that I was lacking some key emotional needs and that was why i believe I lost my interest in this marriage. I thought what Veronese wrote was interesting and perhaps demonstrated how off base some of you were in your analysis of my situation. My wife is not having an affair on me now, and I strongly doubt she ever has. I trust her and she isn't that type of person. There were very, very few times that my wife was left alone because of my affair.

 

Despite my pleas to spend more time at home before my affair began, she spent nearly every evening out - not partying or drinking or anything, just doing various things that interested her. She has been like this all of her life (her mother is the same) and I was not about to ask her to stop doing the things that interested her. That was, until I realized that I was not getting what I needed from her. I asked her on numerous occasions to spend more time at home or with me in general, but she wasn't able to do it for some reason. Personally, I think I am to blame for that. It was a vicious cycle of subconscious decisions. I didn't want to give her what she needed because she couldn't spend more time with me. And she didn't want to spend more time with me, because I didn't give her what she needed. None of this was done with malice. I think it was all subconsciously.

 

Plus she felt like she had responsibilities outside of the marriage. I came third or fourth in terms of priorities. I tried to fill the void with another job and playing rec sports, but not being made a priority by your wife is a tough thing to battle through. After I realized all of this about a year ago, I asked her to spend more time at home. She said "ok", but of course it never happened. Then she began toying with the idea of taking up another hobby and I begged her not to. She did anyway.

 

I guess that's when I checked out of the marriage. Of course, at the time I simply interpreted it as being disappointed, but I think that was my last straw. Coincidently, the opportunity of the OW arose around the same time. One thing led to another and... well you know the rest.

 

The bottom line is that my wife and I had problems for a while. My feelings for her not being where they should be is, in my mind, the main one. It stems from lots of stupid decisions on both of our parts.

 

I am not rationalizing away any "blame" for our problems or my decision to have an affair. I just think that sometimes people need to be aware that the mistakes people make are different. She made mistakes and I made mistakes. One of my "mistakes" was to cheat on her. I understand that. Nonetheless, I truly believe that it was not a mistake. I don't regret it. It possibly saved my marriage, or it allowed me to see clearly enough to leave my wife.

 

The OW is a separate issue.

 

In regards to her, I have very little doubt that we would be happy together. Of course there is some doubt. It would be easy for anyone who didn't have any doubt. However, my doubt is a result of her baggage and my abilities to deal with it. She has no doubt (so she says), but I think she would also need to deal with my eventual baggage resulting from the divorce.

 

My OW and I understand the work that would need to be done to make it succeed. We are also both well aware of the struggles that would lie ahead. We are both analytical people and understand the odds are against us, but our feelings don't deceive us (I don't think). On every level I think it would work, but mostly it's because I love her. I can see her carrying my baby. I can see us as a real team in any situation. I can see spending time with her travelling, playing, raising children, eating Christmas dinner, or doing nothing and it is all what I always imagined. Thus far with my wife, it has not been that way... even in the beginning. On the other non-emotional levels it would be great with my OW, but it will also be that way with my wife now too, I believe, as she is willing to make changes and so am I.

 

I have given any possible long-term relationship with my OW quite a great deal of thought. We haven't just spoken everyday either. We spent real, quality time together. Of course, my OW and I spent more time together than my wife and I did the last 6 months. It really was like a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship between my OW and I. We both despised the "excitement" aspect. The illicit love portion of our relationship was the worst part. We just yearned for it be normal.

 

But for the time being, that a life with my OW is not an option for me. I have to see if I can get back to the place I need to be with my wife because of the commitment I made and because she deserves a fair shake. Also, I need to know if what I have with my wife can be as good as I always imagined. If I can't find it with my wife, then I owe it to both my wife and I to end our marriage.

 

In the end, I want to thank all of you for, in the least, making me second guess and think things through. You've helped me see things from some different angles.

 

I will check back after my next journey and let all of you know how things are going. Hopefully, I will be in love with my wife and we'll be happier than we've ever been. If it ends up that I make a go with my OW, I now know that there are more than just the two of us praying it works out. I have to prove to all of you that it is indeed possible to be forever happy with the OW/OM.

 

PS For you doubters out there for why I don't want to tell my wife about the affair, it has nothing to do with getting a better settlement in a divorce. I am from a part of the world that has no fault divorce. It doesn't matter who did what in the marriage, things are always divided evenly and there is no issue of allamony because we make about the same amount of money. Plus, I have already told my wife that she may take whatever she wants if we split. In my mind, she can have it all. I just want her to be happy if I have to break her heart. She knows this and we have agreed to be as fair as possible if it comes to that.

 

I don't want to tell her because I honestly don't think the good from it outweighs the bad. It would be reckless and irresponsible to tell her. Arguably moreso than the affair itself.

 

Once again, thank you all for the time you spend constructing your responses. I greatly appreciate it. Wish me luck!

[Matilda]

Despite my pleas to spend more time at home before my affair began, she spent nearly every evening out - not partying or drinking or anything, just doing various things that interested her. She has been like this all of her life (her mother is the same) and I was not about to ask her to stop doing the things that interested her. That was, until I realized that I was not getting what I needed from her. I asked her on numerous occasions to spend more time at home or with me in general, but she wasn't able to do it for some reason. Personally, I think I am to blame for that. It was a vicious cycle of subconscious decisions. I didn't want to give her what she needed because she couldn't spend more time with me. And she didn't want to spend more time with me, because I didn't give her what she needed. None of this was done with malice. I think it was all subconsciously.

 

quest for love,

 

I think you are making progress, and I respect you for that, especially after all the negative posts. I apologize for my own negative post.

 

Because of what you posted above, I highly recommend that you and your wife (especially your wife) read a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I don't think it will solve all your marital problems, but it does speak to the different ways that people feel loved. One of those ways is spending time together, obviously it is important to you, but not so important to your wife. The book explains why it is important to realize that a spouses love needs may be different from your own.

[Joyce]

I hope that you put your heart into saving your marriage (if that's what you really want). It amazes me how you assume that the OW will sit on the side line to see if you marriage will work or not.

 

Either way I wish you the best of luck quest for love!! Please keep us posted.

[Owl]

Quest- I'll be honest, I'm not apologizing for my "negative" post. I feel strongly on this subject, and tried to honestly give you the best advice I could. I still feel that way. But I do wish you luck. I think Matilda hit it on the head with the book she recommended. I'd also suggest "20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens. My wife and I started doing a chapter a nite...talking about it, how it applied in our case, ways we could implement some of those changes into our marriage. You might consider doing something like that as well.

 

As far as telling your wife, you'll do what you feel is best. I'd heartily suggest you send a PM to "Sweetz" and a few others who have been in your situation, and decided to work it out with their spouses after they've had an affair. I personally can't imagine tryng to keep going with my wife if she couldn't have come completely clean about what happened...but perhaps your marriage can survive with this hidden in the closet. Just remember, time will NOT make the blow easier for your wife to take...if she finds out about this five years from now, it won't matter how much you've been devoted to her since...trust me on that one at least.

 

Good luck!

[quest for love]

Originally posted by Joyce

I hope that you put your heart into saving your marriage (if that's what you really want). It amazes me how you assume that the OW will sit on the side line to see if you marriage will work or not.

 

Either way I wish you the best of luck quest for love!! Please keep us posted.

 

1. I don't know if that's what I really want. I only want it if it will make me happy. But I'm willing to now go down that road and find out.

 

2. I guess I only assume my OW will "sit on the sideline", but I have no expectations from her. I told her that she is free to do whatever she deems nessessary to be happy. If that means that she can find someone else who does that for her tomorrow, then I understand. She has no allegiances to me. I just don't think that she'll seek it out. But I haven't left it as anything more than "we are broken up and I am trying to get back together with my wife".

 

If it doesn't work out with my wife and I decide to seek my OW out, it'll be interesting to see where she is in her life after experiencing our relationship and losing it.

 

It is possible that in the end I may end up alone. But if that is what happens, at least I can say that I couldn't be with my OW when she needed me to be because I needed to give it everything I had with my wife.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Stinkerbelle

That they can trust again, but it is too much.

 

And that is how 65% of them end up getting divorced after the affair. It's hard to trust again.

 

 

Hey Stinkerbelle...wanted you to think about this. After having been through an affair once...how much would anyone trust their second spouse??? I honestly think that if for some reason my wife and I do get divorced, I'd have the same fears and doubts about anyone else I let into my life. (Granted, that may be the reason that subsequent marriages also have a high failure rate). So, am I hearing that since my wife had an affair, I'm doomed to be alone or in a series of failed marriages the rest of my life? I dont think so.

 

It CAN work out. Trust may indeed be a factor for any couple having been through something like this for the rest of their lives...but that does NOT mean that they can't have a great marriage anyway. It means that they're going to have to WORK for it...not just coast along and hope they have a good marriage. Honestly, I think that we all should be more careful to begin with...if my wife had honestly thought that I would have caught her as soon as I did, she wouldn't have let it start. So she would have never cheated in the first place... Get the picture?

[Owl]

Quest- Don't plan on feeling happy for at least the next two months. Give your wife at least that long, while you're working on the withdrawls you feel for the OW. Make no mistake, its an addiction, just as serious as alchohol or cigarettes.

 

I'd still suggest that you both do counseling. You KNOW there are things lacking in your marriage...so work with a counselor to help the two of you to figure out what those are and to help your wife start meeting them. And since you still love your wife and respect her...do the same for her. Help find what needs she's got that you're not meeting.

 

Get some personal counseling as well. At least talk to THAT counselor about the affair, and what you are dealing with as a result of it. Maybe talk with him about trying to rebuild your marriage without telling your wife. That way you get a PROFESSIONAL opinon on telling her or not.

 

Good luck...regardless of what happens, you're still in for a rough several months.

[Joyce]

I don't know if that's what I really want. I only want it if it will make me happy. But I'm willing to now go down that road and find out.

 

Happiness comes from within. You can be happy if you allow yourself to be!!

 

Owl has some very good advice. He knows how your wife feels or would feel if she knew the real you.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for in life.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm really not saying this to be mean, HONEST.

 

But man, you act like you're doing your wife a favor. Trying to spare her the pain that you know she'll suffer when she finds out. Go back and read every post that Murasaki has written to you. You've had great advice, but hers is the most concise.

 

You have already inflicted this pain on her. And even if she never finds out the truth. YOU will know it. That's inescapable, and it will always be between you, keeping you from the level of intimacy that you in actuality crave.

 

You've been married five years. I've been married over 2 decades. Owl's been married almost as long, you can ask him if you doubt what I'm telling you. Marriage takes 100% committment, that is if it's going to last for the long haul.

 

It's sooooooo worth it. It's even sweeter than the passionate "in love" feelings. There isn't adaquate description. But it requires utter honesty, and you can't approach it half-a$$ed with ANY hope of success.

 

How will marriage counseling help you if you're holding back the facts? It's doomed to failure if you don't put your cards on the table. And you're just dragging this woman through more years of your own denial, because you can't face the man that you are. Not fair.

 

You've defiled her every time you touched her since you gave your love to someone else. That's the truth, and it's not pretty.

 

But I don't say that to hurt you. Really, I don't. I'm hoping that you'll pull your head out of the sand and have a look around.