Stinkerbelle Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 I hate this BS about "save your marriage no matter what". My ex-husband was a cold, punishing prick for 8 years, and the worst choice I ever made, was to try to "work on our marriage' when there was nothing worth working on. I should have left him five years before I did. Having said that, I believe in marriage. But it has to be BOTH people committed and working on it, and BOTH people actually feeling something. Otherwise, it is doomed. Perhaps the marriage should never have taken place, to begin with.
Devildog Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Stinkerbelle, I am not saying all marriages should be saved at any cost. Sometimes people make mistakes and marry someone they didn't really know or there is abuse or infidelity or what not. But there are other people's feelings involved as well. This decision isn't just about one person. This decision affects the last 8 years of someone else's life. Don't they deserve to have some honesty as well? Don't they deserve some consideration?
Stinkerbelle Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 ABSOLUTELY. Which is why I believe he should have NO CONTACT with EITHER WOMAN for at least 3 months, while he screws his head on straight. He can see a counselor, take a long hard look at his life, think about what he really wants and likes and needs, without interference from interested parties. WITHOUT HOLDING OUT FALSE HOPE FOR WIFE OR LOVER. Tell them he is making choices about his life. And they may or may not be included in what he chooses, but he cannot live like this anymore. And then take his balls back from wherever they have been.
Devildog Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 I agree, but he should extend that honesty to telling his wife about the affair as well. She should know all the facts so she too can decide if she wants to have him back as well.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 The wife definitely needs to know. Once things are out in the open, then it will be easier to make hard decisions.
Owl Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 KMT- I think you and I are destined to disagree, no matter what we post on. LOL Disagree with what I went through if you will, and as I've said before, you may feel what my marriage went through is not an affair...that is your opinion, not mine. Nor do I feel most people would agree with you. Read the book same book and chapters I suggested that Quest read, KMT. It talks about the "falling in love" vs. the sustained being in love. That "in love" phase typically lasts no longer than two years... Lastly, while I don't normally agree with you advice (you and I are opposite sides of a coin from what I've seen), I've never recommended someone "not listen" to your advice...while I don't agree with you, you have a perspective that I do not. So, please don't do that again...all advice should be considered. If you don't feel my advice is good, feel free to post contrary advice, but don't discredit my advice, or what I've been through. Quest- Read the thread that I posted my situation under . You can decide if what I mentioned of what my wife went through, said, and did has any bearing on your own situation on your own. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/
Author quest for love Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Ok. So I guess everyone needs more details. It's interesting reading the replys, as you guys sound like what goes on in my head all day. Back and forth, yay or nay. My W was my first long-term girlfriend. I was "in love" with her for about 6 months or longer at the beginning of our relationship. I have always been in love with her, compassion, caring, affection, etc. I will say again, she is a wonderful person who loves me dearly. We get along fine. We rarely fight or even argue. We are respectful of each other (yes other than my affair). We care deeply for each other's happiness. But there is no flame. She just doesn't give me what i need in the way i need it. She hasn't for years. When I decided to ask her to marry me, I met with a friend. I told him that I needed to either marry her or break up with her because things just weren't going anywhere (I was young and made a mistake here, I guess). On my wedding day in the church basement, my intuition told me that it was all wrong. I told my wedding party that this was a huge mistake and that I may regret marrying her. I didn't know why, but it was just what I felt. I agreed that nothing could be done at this point, so I went ahead with the marriage. I have lived more of a lie pretending to be in love with my W for the past 4 years, than I have in the past six months leading a double life. For the first time in years I am truly happy because of my OW. I have feelings for my OW that I never had with my W. She respects me, is in love with me, and understands me better than my W ever has. This is certainly not a hormone based decision. I am not in love with my OW because of her appearance or how she is in bed or anything trivial. Our relationship isn't really even based on sex. It's like a real girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. We hate the sneaking around and "excitement". I hate it. I want to live with this girl forever. I want to have a family with her. I want her to meet my parents. I want to spend each day making her as happy as I can and she want to do the same for me. We truly do have a connection that I always dreamed was possible. Remember, this isn't just a case of meeting each other a couple of times. We've seen each other nearly everyday for 6 months. We've developed a real relationship. Not a mistress/cheater type relationship. Honestly, it is a bit different than some of you describe. As for telling my W, I see your points. I do respect them. My W would not leave me, though. She would simply be hurt beyond belief and it would take years for her to recover from it, whether we stayed together or we broke up. Finally, I agree with your assessment of the situation, Murasaki. It's true, perhaps I am not able to really try fully with my W because the OW is somewhere close. That is why the OW agreed it was best to break up. She doesn't want to deal with the pain, yet she just wants me to be happy. If that happiness is found with my W, then she understands and will always view our relationship as a fantastic expression of love and experiences. I will do the same and see her as my saviour for allowing me to see what is truly important in life and love. My OW will be the only reason that I will be able to continue with my W and be happy. Without her it wouldn't have even been a possibbility. If things don't work out between my W and I, then I need to see what remains in my relationship with my OW. She is free to do as she pleases. I don't expect anything from her. But I do know this much: she and I are not just great together emotionally, we are great together on a number of different levels. We are "in love" and a great match at the same time. I believe that we both KNOW we are that to each other. For that reason, she and I would be happy forever, I believe. Personally, I count myself blessed to have met both women, no matter what happens.
SoleMate Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 I count myself blessed to have met both women Were they both blessed to have met you?
Joyce Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 If you truly love your OW then be with her. It sounds like you are trying to work things out with your wife for all the wrong reasons. The longer you let this go the more you will hurt her. I know you broke it off with the OW but your wife will end up hurt if you leave her now or five years from now and who knows maybe then kids will be involved. I sorry to sound so pessimistic but your heart is not into saving your marriage. Why drag it out? Follow your heart!! (also tell your wife, she has every right to know)
Owl Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by quest for love But there is no flame. She just doesn't give me what i need in the way i need it. She hasn't for years. Does she know that?? Have you TOLD her, and SHOWED her what you need from her? Have you tried going to a counselor to work through what needs aren't being met, and asked them to help you figure out how to meet them?? And how sure are you there YOU are meeting HER needs? It works two ways...and the more you meet her needs, the more willing she will likely be to meet yours. I have feelings for my OW that I never had with my W. She respects me, is in love with me, and understands me better than my W ever has. This is certainly not a hormone based decision. I am not in love with my OW because of her appearance or how she is in bed or anything trivial. Our relationship isn't really even based on sex. It's like a real girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. We hate the sneaking around and "excitement". I hate it. I want to live with this girl forever. I want to have a family with her. I want her to meet my parents. I want to spend each day making her as happy as I can and she want to do the same for me. We truly do have a connection that I always dreamed was possible. Remember, this isn't just a case of meeting each other a couple of times. We've seen each other nearly everyday for 6 months. We've developed a real relationship. Not a mistress/cheater type relationship. Honestly, it is a bit different than some of you describe. Like I've asked repeatedly, go someplace where you can spend 15 minutes reading the first few chapters in "The Five Languages of Love"...or whatever its called. Do a search on the internet on affairs, and read the stuff you find. Look at MarriageBuilders.com. That "in love" feeling is normal...everyone goes through it. You had it to some degree when you first met your wife...perhaps not as strongly as now, but the emotions are even deeper in an affair type situation. I'm NOT making any of this up... And I meant it...EVERYONE says that "my situation is different"...but its NOT. My OW will be the only reason that I will be able to continue with my W and be happy. Without her it wouldn't have even been a possibbility. If things don't work out between my W and I, then I need to see what remains in my relationship with my OW. She is free to do as she pleases. I don't expect anything from her. But I do know this much: she and I are not just great together emotionally, we are great together on a number of different levels. We are "in love" and a great match at the same time. I believe that we both KNOW we are that to each other. For that reason, she and I would be happy forever, I believe. For as long as you hold out any hope of ever going back to your OW, you are going to hold that part of yourself back from your wife. She can't possibly compete with how much you glorify this woman...or how you would glorify her memory. You're making her into a martyr. The ONLY way you could honestly try to reconcile your marriage is to act like the OW is dead and gone from your life forever. Otherwise, you're not going to give your wife an honest chance at rebuilding your marriage, because you're holding back. If you ARE going to reconcile, then you need to come clean, and you need to get counseling. Both singly and couples. Otherwise, don't waste your time and hers....tell her what's going on, and leave. Personally, I count myself blessed to have met both women, no matter what happens. Wow...I have to agree with the question posed earlier...I wonder if they both feel that way about you. Or will still feel that way about you in six months.
murasaki Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by quest for love Finally, I agree with your assessment of the situation, Murasaki. It's true, perhaps I am not able to really try fully with my W because the OW is somewhere close. That is why the OW agreed it was best to break up. She doesn't want to deal with the pain, yet she just wants me to be happy. If that happiness is found with my W, then she understands and will always view our relationship as a fantastic expression of love and experiences. I will do the same and see her as my saviour for allowing me to see what is truly important in life and love. My OW will be the only reason that I will be able to continue with my W and be happy. Without her it wouldn't have even been a possibbility. If things don't work out between my W and I, then I need to see what remains in my relationship with my OW. She is free to do as she pleases. I don't expect anything from her. But I do know this much: she and I are not just great together emotionally, we are great together on a number of different levels. We are "in love" and a great match at the same time. I believe that we both KNOW we are that to each other. For that reason, she and I would be happy forever, I believe. I'm going to just focus on whether or not you have a duty to tell your wife about your affair. You must understand: you do not deserve to "have a chance" at making your marriage work at the expense of your wife knowing the truth. Please understand that it is not your right to make this choice -- you are withholding information that is your wife's right to have access to. Any decision that is reached under the condition of your wife not knowing the truth will be tainted with deception. You seem to be very controlling -- you've decided in advance that your wife would not leave you if she learned about the affair. Don't you think she should be allowed to make that decision? Maybe you're right, maybe she wouldn't leave. Undoubtedly you're right that it will cause her a lot of pain. What you're overlooking is that she is already in pain, beating her head against a wall trying to figure out why her husband isn't emotionally engaged with her. She thinks it's because there's a kink in her relationship with you, one that with some effort and time might be worked out. She doesn't know it's because you've already emotionally abandoned her. You're perpetuating her futile, wasted attempts to make things work with you. Is that caring? Is that respectful? It sounds to this outside observer like you're really just trying to avoid further grief for yourself. I'm not trying to be unduly harsh with you. I think these things just happen sometimes (to some people) without an active wish to hurt others. But that doesn't absolve you of responsibility. You're paying lip service to taking responsibility, but I don't think you're really owning it. You're pretending to be concerned for your wife's emotional well-being, and thus you rationalize not telling her about the affair. But if you were really concerned about her emotional well-being, you wouldn't have had the affair in the first place. You might think you're "minimizing" the damage by keeping it a secret, kind of a belated concern for her, but what you're really doing is keeping her in the dark and treating her like a child. "Oh my truth is too ugly and painful for her to bear." Well, it might be ugly and painful, but don't kid yourself that she isn't already bearing it: she is. Do her the courtesy of admitting that you're the villain in this story. Yes, I'm afraid that's right: you're the bad guy. It really sounds to me like you're desperate to avoid that. But you broke your vows. You've been deceiving someone who loves you, and taking advantage of her trust for many months. I'm afraid that makes you a bad guy -- in that particular context. Live with it. We're all bad guys at some points in our lives. Don't try to duck the responsibility. And don't try to make out that you're pursuing a path of half-truths and fake concern for your wife's sake. You might genuinely regret that you're hurting her -- but that doesn't mean that you aren't hurting her.
Author quest for love Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by Joyce I have a a couple of questions that you don't have to answer... it's just out of curiosity. I didn't read all of the responses to your post. I am sorry if you have already answered them... What is your definition of true love? That is awfully tough to answer. Having now experienced it, I don't even know if I could explain it. It's everything on an emotional level. It's true bliss. It's reciprocated love that perpetuates itself from the inside out. I know it's not very specific, but those who have really enjoyed it will know when they have it. What is it that you love so much about the OW? There are so many things, but she is caring, loving, funny, educated, affectionate... yet these are all things that I see in my wife too. What sets the two apart is my OWs attitude, her perception of the world (beliefs), a more aggressive personality (which can be good and bad, of course) and the way she understands me. She simply "sings" to me. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. I respond better to her kindness and love than I ever have with my W. It's just a different personality. You know how we just "get along" better with certain people? We have a special connection and sometime's other people just don't understand. It can be pleutonic or romantic. It's just a neat meshing of personalities. That is what we have on an extreme level. My W and I just simply get along and are a good match. It's different when you add true love into the mix. Did you used to feel the same way about your wife as you do now with your OW? No. I was in love with her and we got along so well and I was always excited and happy to see her. She really is a great person. I have never had any complaints, really. I was in love with her for about six months, but the feeling began to wane. Of course, we were both too young and inexperienced to fix it at that time (7 years ago now), so things just got worse. However, we got along and were such a good match on paper that I never saw a reason to break up with her. Really I still don't. And, of course, she still loves me, and that's tough to give up too. Don't get me wrong. I do care for the well-being of my W. She is so sweet and kind and loving. She makes a great wife and any guy would be so lucky to have her as a wife. She just doesn't "do it" for me. It's hard to explain. Just to also clarify, these feelings were present way before my OW came into the picture. These feelings or ideas I had have simply been exacerbated since the affair. Do you believe that you would be truly happy if you were with you OW? or would you miss your wife? I would certainly miss my W. She is a great woman and I would hope that we could be friends if we divorced. I think it would be very tough for her to do that, but if it were a possibility, I would like it. I have even mentioned to my OW that my W would make an excellent God-mother. Both my OW and I agree that my wife is a special person. She is more special than anyone I've ever met. Perhaps that is also why I believe she deserves someone who can love her "right". I think I would be truly happy with my OW. It will not be as easy as it is now with my W, because she has a stronger personality and it a bit stubborn too (like me!). We are very similar and that can perhaps lead to some butting of heads. But day in and day out, i would be happy. I would be so happy to just be able to make her happy. That's what my goal would be every day that I live. I just want her to be happy and in turn that is what would make me happy. I guess this is the real question. Whom would I be most happy with. I don't know that yet. Especially when you add in the hurt of a divorce and the strain it would be on my relationship with my OW. that's what I came here to find out.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by quest for love But there is no flame. She just doesn't give me what i need in the way i need it. She hasn't for years. When I decided to ask her to marry me, I met with a friend. I told him that I needed to either marry her or break up with her because things just weren't going anywhere (I was young and made a mistake here, I guess). On my wedding day in the church basement, my intuition told me that it was all wrong. I told my wedding party that this was a huge mistake and that I may regret marrying her. I didn't know why, but it was just what I felt. I agreed that nothing could be done at this point, so I went ahead with the marriage. I have lived more of a lie pretending to be in love with my W for the past 4 years, than I have in the past six months leading a double life. For the first time in years I am truly happy because of my OW. I see no hope for your marriage after reading this. Its not as if you were happily married for years and gradually "fell out of love". You went into it agreeing to get married because it was probably easier than just sucking it up and telling the truth: That you didn't really want to marry her in the first place. You need to tell your wife this. TELL HER THE TRUTH. Yes it will hurt, but there is no reason to stay married to someone that you didn't want to really be married to in the first place and then proceeded to 'fake it' for nearly the entirety of the marriage. You need to end this. Tell your wife. It will hurt her, but there is no reason she should have to spend the rest of her life married to a man who didn't want to marry her to begin with. At least if you let her go, she'll have a chance to put her life back together without you and can move on to someone who really will love her and give her the happiness and love she needs. Then you can move on to the woman that you love and fulfills your needs. Its a terrible situation for all of you, I know. I hope you can find the strength to do what is best for all of you, no matter the painful consequences.
Author quest for love Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by murasaki . I'm not trying to be unduly harsh with you. I think these things just happen sometimes (to some people) without an active wish to hurt others. But that doesn't absolve you of responsibility. You're paying lip service to taking responsibility, but I don't think you're really owning it. You're pretending to be concerned for your wife's emotional well-being, and thus you rationalize not telling her about the affair. But if you were really concerned about her emotional well-being, you wouldn't have had the affair in the first place. You might think you're "minimizing" the damage by keeping it a secret, kind of a belated concern for her, but what you're really doing is keeping her in the dark and treating her like a child. "Oh my truth is too ugly and painful for her to bear." Well, it might be ugly and painful, but don't kid yourself that she isn't already bearing it: she is. Do her the courtesy of admitting that you're the villain in this story. Yes, I'm afraid that's right: you're the bad guy. It really sounds to me like you're desperate to avoid that. But you broke your vows. You've been deceiving someone who loves you, and taking advantage of her trust for many months. I'm afraid that makes you a bad guy -- in that particular context. Live with it. We're all bad guys at some points in our lives. Don't try to duck the responsibility. And don't try to make out that you're pursuing a path of half-truths and fake concern for your wife's sake. You might genuinely regret that you're hurting her -- but that doesn't mean that you aren't hurting her. Perhaps I haven't been clear. I apologize for that. These problems existed before OW came on the scene. The same problems. In fact, like I initially wrote, my relaltionship with my wife is ten times better now than it ever has because of my experiences with the OW. I thank her for that. Also, I realize that I am the villain here. Whether it's for having an affair and breaknig my Ws trust or for not having the feelings I need from her. She is responsible for her half of the marriage, though. And I'm responsible for mine. I was lacking something in the marriage and despite my feeble attempt to recify them, it was not succeeding. I clearly outlined my needs an she didn't meet them. But it was an inability on her part on her understand. We perhaps should have gone to counseling, but guess we didn't see it as a real problem. I withdrew from the marriage and wrongly looked elsewhere to satisfy those emotional needs. This is certainly where we needed to go to counseling. Although, I really don't think counseling could have helped. Along the way, I happened to fall in love with an amazing person. I didn't expect that. Trust me, I don't blame my W for the affair or for our marriage suffering. I also don't feel that the marriage is suffering beause of the affair. Although i see how it can't possibly be fixed with the affair present...or as a possibility. I'm not very controlling. Honestly. I am just stating a fact. My W won't kick me to the curb over this. She is in love with me and I actually AM avoiding telling her because I want to spare her feelings and because I don't feel it's worth the pain for either of us. i am not justifying anything. Truthfully. I just don't see it helping. Let me put it this way: If I fall in love with my wife again or find in her what I'm missing, then telling her may be what i need to do, I don't know. But if that's the case, then aren't I simply using her suffering as a conduit to healing my guilt? I don't think that's fair either. Listen, I made a mistake in terms of violating my commitment and my wife's trust. I feel badly for doing that. But I don't feel the affair was inherently a mistake. Knowing what i know now, if I was faced with that same situation back in time, I would do the same thing 10 times out of 10. However, I would never cheat ever again on anyone. I learned the lessons I needed to learn from this, which was not pain to teach me not to cheat again. It was to realize that this true love does actually exist. I know what lies out there and if I decide to stay with my wife, I'll know what I have and I'll know what I don't have. I can be confident in that and be happy for the rest of my life. The ends just don't justify the means in this case by telling her.
Author quest for love Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia I see no hope for your marriage after reading this. Its not as if you were happily married for years and gradually "fell out of love". You went into it agreeing to get married because it was probably easier than just sucking it up and telling the truth: That you didn't really want to marry her in the first place. You need to tell your wife this. TELL HER THE TRUTH. Yes it will hurt, but there is no reason to stay married to someone that you didn't want to really be married to in the first place and then proceeded to 'fake it' for nearly the entirety of the marriage. You need to end this. Tell your wife. It will hurt her, but there is no reason she should have to spend the rest of her life married to a man who didn't want to marry her to begin with. At least if you let her go, she'll have a chance to put her life back together without you and can move on to someone who really will love her and give her the happiness and love she needs. Then you can move on to the woman that you love and fulfills your needs. Its a terrible situation for all of you, I know. I hope you can find the strength to do what is best for all of you, no matter the painful consequences. Oh I forgot to mention. Yes, my wife and I have discussed this fully. She knows about all of my reservations about marrying her. She knows that I am not "in love" with her. She knows that I have tried my best to keep that from her. But of course, she always knew. And for the record, I did want to marry her. I just simply knew that my heart wasn't in it. My mind was, but the love just wasn't where it should have been. You're right. Maybe I'm a weak person for not simply beraking up back before I asked her to marry me. I just didn't know any better. that being said, neither of us regret our marriage or getting married. We learned much more being married than we would have ever learned by breaking up. Plus, there were never any "bad" times... just unemotional times.
Owl Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by quest for love The ends just don't justify the means in this case by telling her. Then leave your wife now. You're marriage will never be based on honesty and parntership. If you feel no remorse over what you've done, you'll always be open to doing it again any time you feel like you're not getting 100% out of your marriage. And that WILL happen...because like Murasaki said, a long term relationship of ANY kind has its ups and downs...take it from someone who's been married for 17 years. Understand something...I've tried to talk about the difference between being "in love" like you are with your OW, and the LOVE someone has for their wife after they've been married for several years. The first time I called to setup an appt for a counselor when my situation came up, I mentioned to that person that my wife felt like she was "falling out of love with me, and falling in love with OM". My wife felt that she still loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me. The response I got was "you know, after all that I've seen, the only difference between being in love and loving, is how hard you want to work at it". You have to WORK to sustain any kind of love for a long term relationship. You are NOT going to feel the same way about your OW 5 years from now as you do right now...just like you felt differently about your wife after the "in love" wore off. The problem is, you never worked on your relationship with your wife to maintain the love that you've got for her. And regardless of the lip service you're paying to that in this thread, you never will. You are not deciding to keep the fact of your affair from your wife out of some sense of compassion or honor or love for her. You're rationalizing so that you can avoid having to admit to her your own violation of her trust, so that you don't have to see her face when she realizes how you've destroyed your marriage vows. Don't sit there and try to wrap altruistic motives around the bare fact that you can't face what you've done, and you want to hide it from your wife to avoid the ugly situation that it's going to create for as long as you possibly can. Leave your wife if you don't have the dedication to TRULY work on your relationship with her. It sounds to me like she deserves better than that.
Merin Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 You know.. everything is about YOU. YOU are "willing" to "sacrafice" in giving your wife another chance to "make" YOU fall in love with her.. YOU don't want to be honest with your wife about YOUR affair and want to justify it in saying it's for her own good or her benefit in being lied to.. YOU want YOUR needs met.. YOU want to know "true love" All good ya know? WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE???????????????????????????????????? Doesn't SHE deserve to have HER needs met? Doesn't SHE deserve to have someone who is in love with HER? Doesn't SHE deserve an HONEST relationship with an HONEST person? You sure are smug and cocky in your thinking... You think she won't leave you if she knew what a dishonest person you are? Don't count on it.. obviously there was something you loved about her once upon a time and guess what? There are more men out there that would love to be in your shoes with your wife. IF you love her as a "person" the way you keep saying, then leave her alone to find a Man who CAN be honest with her, and show HER what "true love" is all about. Gonna hurt when you get knocked off your pedastool.
Author quest for love Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Yup. You guys can be harsh. Owl, I will never have an affair again. It doesn't matter if you believe me or understan. i just never would. Merin, my W deserves the best. I am not even close to as good as she deserves. Hell I know that! Of course, she deserves someone who is honest and loving and caring. She deserves someone to be in love with her, like she is for me. I've told her I thought that. I don't hold myself in as high a regard as you think. I just know what's true. You may be right, but I doubt it. I make her happy, whether I made a mistake (many) or not. She will forgive me for what I've done. Nonetheless, I agree with everything else you wrote.
sylviaguardian Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 i don't want to join in with totally bashing you but there are a few things that bother me here. How old are you? Just wondered because your thinking at the moment doesn't seem to be very mature. You seem to think that you are playing some kind of game here, where you are weighing up all the pros and cons. You are playing with people's lives. I am perplexed about why you keep talking about the 'in love' feeling. Everyone knows that it's impossible to sustain this kind of feeling over a long period. When the 'in love' feeling is gone with your OW will she still have the same credentials as your wife does now, even though you have decided she's not all you need. My advice: if you have any feelings or respect for your wife (as you say you do) then let her go to find someone who appreciates all her qualities (as you do) but who is also prepared to put in the effort and committment needed in any long-term relationship. Stop lying to her also and tell her the truth before she finds it out from someone else. Good luck with the OW. I really hope that the 'in love' feeling doesn't fade pretty quick when your no longer having to have an affair and the illicit thrill has gone.
Joyce Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Your story makes me very sad. It reminds me of myself and my thoughts while I was having my affair. You can come up with excuse after excuse but you will never be content or happy. I don't want to sound harsh because you are taking a beating here and you came here for support. What is it that you are looking for from LS? If your wanting us to tell you to go to you OW and have your W be the godmother to your kids and live happily ever after. I am sorry it wont happen. For every selfish act there is a consequence.
Matilda Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 You may be right, but I doubt it. I make her happy, whether I made a mistake (many) or not. She will forgive me for what I've done. Nonetheless, I agree with everything else you wrote. ... have your W be the godmother to your kids and live happily ever after. Too funny! I'm sure your wife is happy with you. You had an affair and told her you never really loved her. I'm sure she'll be just as thrilled when you tell her you'd like her to be the godmother to your child with the OW.
Owl Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Believe it or not, the only reason we're harsh is because we've all been through some portion of what you're going/gone through. And it often takes a "harsh" wake up call to get someone to open their eyes. And it doesn't always work. The general "thought" is that you've posted here because your looking for some input from people who have been through similar experiences. While some (KMT) may feel that my experiences aren't close enough to matter, look at the same advice you've gotten from a number of other people who have also been involved in an affair like yours. Rather than take what's been said personally, look at what everyone has said, and think about WHY it was said. What was meant by it, and what everyone is hoping you'll get out of it. None of us here gain anything regardless of your choice, so the advice you're getting is meant to help...it may have to hurt to hear it, but its meant to help you in the long run. Seriously...if you don't feel like you can truly give your wife 100% of your effort to re-kindle your marriage, then don't waste your effort or hers.
murasaki Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Hi questforlove, I've said all I can say on the subject. You can take it or leave it as you please, and ultimately the only person who can make the decisions you're contemplating -- whether or not to tell your wife being first and foremost I think -- is you. You've done a lot of rationalizing... and it's very good at deflecting what other people are saying to you. Good luck!
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by quest for love Oh I forgot to mention. Yes, my wife and I have discussed this fully. She knows about all of my reservations about marrying her. She knows that I am not "in love" with her. She knows that I have tried my best to keep that from her. But of course, she always knew. And for the record, I did want to marry her. I just simply knew that my heart wasn't in it. My mind was, but the love just wasn't where it should have been. I'm not understanding something here - are you two just staying together for companionship - married as friends but not in love? Man, I sure wish I could hear the wife's side!
Author quest for love Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia I'm not understanding something here - are you two just staying together for companionship - married as friends but not in love? Man, I sure wish I could hear the wife's side! Our marriage is more than just companionship. She is in love with me. I love her and care for her deeply. I know when it's put in these terms it must seem so empty, but in reality i think our marriage is better than 90% of marriages out there. It isn't emotionless, by any stretch, but it isn't good in that department either. There's really one thing missing: my feelings for her aren't what they should be.
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