OW or wife forever? How important is true love?

[quest for love]

Well this is my first post, but I've taken the time to read many of your stories and would like to get your feedback. Here is my story:

 

I have been married for five years. I met my wife in college eight years ago and we dated exclusively ever since. I suppose our relationship was never "bad" but it seemed to have taken on an unemotional tone. She was still very much in love with me, but I guess I fell out of love with her. Don't get me wrong, she is a wonderful human being and a sensational person and I care for her deeply. She just wasn't fulfilling my emotional needs and chose to participate in many activities outside of our home and away from me. Which made things worse. I'm pretty sure this is a result of me not fulfilling her needs, however the end result is that I love her, but I'm not "in love with her", while she is still in love with me.

 

Nonetheless, about six months ago I met an OW. Our relationship started off as pleutonic, but after a few months our connection to each other was very strong. She was single.

 

OW and I decided to have an affair. Amazingly, I didn't feel much guilt at first. I think it was because we had already fallen in love with one another by the time we decided to move ahead with an affair. Since then, I have truly fallen deeply in love with this person. She is so wonderful and I just feel like she is the person with whom I can spend the rest of my life and feel genuinely happy forever. I just love her so much - even after 6 months and all of this pain and turmoil.

 

My wife and I are now separated, as per my request. She has little (or no) idea that I have had an affair. She is still trying to work things out between us.

 

All through this process OW and I have been very open and honest with each other. I told her that if I find the "in love" feeling with my wife, then it makes the most sense to stay with her. Plus, I made a commitment that I feel is important to uphold. OW and I have taken two, two-week breaks to allow me to try and find these feelings with my wife and it doesn't appear to be there. As a result, I asked my wife to move out.

 

Nonetheless, I don't feel as though I am ready to divorce my wife. I truly love OW, but for the reasons I listed above, I don't feel that I've given my wife her due attempt at our marriage. In addition, I didn't want to be unfair to my OW, as I know this has been very difficult for her. So, my OW and I broke up in order to protect her and to allow me the time and space to work things out with my wife, if possible.

 

I am SO sad. We both love each other and we know that our lives would be SO happy together. It would be a more volatile relationship compared to the one with my wife, as my OW and I are very open with each other (no "fantasy land" stuff like with most relationships), but it will be a wonderful life if we could have it. I just love her.

 

I guess I just want to know if I'm making the right choices, based on your experiences. I am not in love with my wife (although it's fine) and I'm going to try with her, yet I am in love with my OW and we're broken up. All this because of circumstance. It just doesn't seem right. Does it?

 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I will do my best to answer any questions too.

 

Thanks so much in advance.

[Merin]

IF you REALLY want to work things out with your Wife.. then you REALLY need to leave the OW alone.

 

You keep saying how in love with the OW you are.. BUT that you feel you "need" to uphold the committment you made to your Wife.. now I don't want to sound like an a**h*** here.. but you already broke the committment you made to your Wife..

 

It seems to me from what you've said, that you've already made up your mind that it isn't going to work with your Wife.. so IMO you've set her and yourself up for failure already. Not to mention the fact that you're saying you want to work on the marriage.. because it's the right thing to do right? However.. you're lying to your Wife regarding your affair.. so it really isn't possible to do the right thing, when you're not willing to go ALL THE WAY in doing the right thing.

 

One of the last things you've said is.. "It doesn't seem fair" well.. NO it isn't fair.. to your Wife who you are still keeping in the dark.. the OW who you allowed to become close to you.. and the rollercoaster you've put her on.

 

Either get into your marriage and go all the way in your confessions to make it right.. OR let your wife go to find someone else who is in Love with her and wants to do the right things.

[quest for love]

Originally posted by Merin

IF you REALLY want to work things out with your Wife.. then you REALLY need to leave the OW alone.

 

It seems to me from what you've said, that you've already made up your mind that it isn't going to work with your Wife.. so IMO you've set her and yourself up for failure already. Not to mention the fact that you're saying you want to work on the marriage.. because it's the right thing to do right? However.. you're lying to your Wife regarding your affair.. so it really isn't possible to do the right thing, when you're not willing to go ALL THE WAY in doing the right thing.

 

You don't sound like an a-hole at all. I guess I need it straight.

 

I haven't given up on my wife. I just have little hope that I will find true happiness with her because I'm not in love with her. Whereas I am in love with the OW.

[Martina]

If you and your W don't have any kids, follow your heart. There is nothing sadder than a marriage without passion. Wish I would have married the love of my life, but I let circumstances separate us. That was 15 years ago and I still miss and love this person with all my heart. We are both married to other people now, have kids with them, but we still love each other and would be together in a heartbeat. Circumstances, again.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Yup. One or the other. The way I see it - your marriage is dying and is on life support. Your wife is suffering. Either you have to commit fully, and I mean fully - no more OW, ever - or you can go ahead and pull the plug and let your wife begin putting her life back together without you. Then you can resume your relationship that makes you happy. Put it this way: your wife deserves to be with someone who loves her deeply and romantically - if you can't do it, then you need to let her go so she can at least have a chance to be with someone who will return her feelings.

 

You will want to think really hard about exactly why it is that you want to stay married. It sounds like you'd only be staying married out of guilt and obligation and possibly some sense of faint nostalgia. Do what's best for you all. It seems heinous to leave your wife: but seriously - if you aren't 'in love' with her and you are deeply in love with the 'other woman', how happy can you expect you two will be?

 

Have you considered counseling or mediation with your wife? It might help to just come clear with her in that process. Then things can move the way that they will.

[Owl]

OK- ask anyone here and they'll tell you I'm a long winded jerk...this will be no exception. LOL

 

You should read the first two chapter in "The five love languages" or something like that. There is a HUGE difference between the kind of love you feel for a wife you've been married to for 17 years, and the "in love" feelings that you have for your OW. That "in love" feeling is there for a couple of reasons, and is one of the main reasons that you can't see the love you've got for your wife. Take my case...my wife felt she was "falling out of love" with me, and falling "in love" with her OM. Once contact was broken with the OM, and she saw how much I loved her and still loved her after what she'd done, she swung back to me like a magnet after she got through the withdrawl of the NC with the OM. I have no doubt you're in much the same emotional turmoil (no matter how much your heart is screaming "but my case is DIFFERENT"...everyone feels that way, and its NOT TRUE).

 

You're no longer intimate with your wife. I don't mean in the bedroom, though that's happening too. I mean you don't share your feelings and thoughts and hopes with her anymore...you're too busy sharing them with your OW. And THAT is causing your wife to draw away from you at the same time. Trust me...been where your wife is sitting at right now. So, no wonder you don't feel like the two of you have anything in common anymore.

 

What has probably happened (it happened in my case) is that you've taken that lack of being "in love" with your wife (read- the excitement of new discovery of someone, the fresh "she's the one" feeling, etc...) as meaning that you don't love each other, so you went outside the marriage to get it. News flash...that "in love" feeling is a lie...it can be triggered by ANYONE new and exciting...and it always, ALWAYS fades. Why do you think so many people go back to their spouses after they've left because of an affair? Because that love is still there, but can't be seen because of the "in love" feelings.

 

You want some HONEST advice?? If you want to make sure you're doing the right thing...do this. Drop your OW. Tell her that you need six months of NO CONTACT AT ALL. Tell her that if what you have is true love, then six months won't matter at all.

 

Then, STICK to that. No emails, no IMs, no short visits, no lunch, no notes, not a single thing for six months.

 

And in the mean time, tell the wife the truth. Tell her what you've done, and how you feel. Tell her that you do love her, and that you want to give your marriage this last shot. And work your butt off for six months to fix your marriage!! Go to counseling, both personal and couple. Invest youself into finding out about this lady you've married (if she'll give you the chance...she may chuck you out on the street).

 

And then, if in six months you still have no doubt that you're in love with the OW, even if you've had no contact at all (but if you DO have contact, the six months starts over!!!), and you're not in love with your wife...get a divorce.

 

I found out about my wife's emotional affair in its full detail almost exactly 7 months ago. The first month was horrible. Just as I've described here, she was CONVINCED she was in love with him. That he was the man of her dreams, and that her heart belonged to him. But, once she got over the withdrawl of not having him, it took her no time to realize that I was always here, and that her love for me had never gone away...she just couldn't see it. She had problems with depression before this happened, and began getting treated for it during this time, and our marriage is now better than it had been in years. We're HONEST with each other, and you don't know what a relief that is.

 

Try it. Keep us posted. If in six months you feel the same way, I'll applaud every step you take towards your OW, but ONLY if you do this six months the right way.

 

Ask some of the other posters here...about what its like when the other person is involved...and what its like when they're outta the picture.

 

Off my soapbox...good luck to you.

[quest for love]

Originally posted by Martina

If you and your W don't have any kids, follow your heart. There is nothing sadder than a marriage without passion. Wish I would have married the love of my life, but I let circumstances separate us. That was 15 years ago and I still miss and love this person with all my heart. We are both married to other people now, have kids with them, but we still love each other and would be together in a heartbeat. Circumstances, again.

 

Thank you, Martina. This is what I fear of happening. I think you can tell in my words just how much I care for the OW. She is not some fling or someone whom I ever want to hurt, so that's why I let her go now. I don,t ever want her to feel like I kept her around because I wanted to "have my cake and eat it to", as so many here claim MM do. That isn't me.

 

I love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. She and I are soul mates.

 

No one in this has children.

[quest for love]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Yup. One or the other. The way I see it - your marriage is dying and is on life support. Your wife is suffering. Either you have to commit fully, and I mean fully - no more OW, ever - or you can go ahead and pull the plug and let your wife begin putting her life back together without you. Then you can resume your relationship that makes you happy. Put it this way: your wife deserves to be with someone who loves her deeply and romantically - if you can't do it, then you need to let her go so she can at least have a chance to be with someone who will return her feelings.

 

You will want to think really hard about exactly why it is that you want to stay married. It sounds like you'd only be staying married out of guilt and obligation and possibly some sense of faint nostalgia. Do what's best for you all. It seems heinous to leave your wife: but seriously - if you aren't 'in love' with her and you are deeply in love with the 'other woman', how happy can you expect you two will be?

 

Have you considered counseling or mediation with your wife? It might help to just come clear with her in that process. Then things can move the way that they will.

 

I came to the same conclusions LB, that's why I'm where I am. I guess I just need to know what choice to make. Honestly, my marriage isn't bad at all. It's just lacking emotion (from my side especially). Strangely, my marriage is much better since I met the OW because I could see what things needed repair in my marriage and started to fix them.

 

I'm not staying solely out of guilt, obligation or nostalgia. I'm unsure becaus eof those reasons and more.

[SoleMate]

My thoughts? Sure.

 

I don't really know whether you would be happier long term with your W or the OW. However, I do now that it is incredibly unfair to your wife to act like you're patching it up with her, or attempting to patch it up with her, when secretly you're pining for the OW. You say you want to give your wife a "fair shot" at saving the marriage (I'm paraphrasing).

 

I told [the OW] that if I find the "in love" feeling with my wife, then it makes the most sense to stay with her.

You know, marriage should not be based on "finding that in love feeling". It should be based on building that "in love" feeling. Feelings come and go, and I can guarantee you, if you and your wife are not living together, and/or you are mooning over the OW, you are NOT giving either you or your W a chance to rebuild.

 

Plus, I made a commitment that I feel is important to uphold.

Ummm...must fight urge to be sarcastic. I won't point out the obvious, about how your A with the OW is a failure to meet your commitment. (Well OK, maybe I just did.) But you are making fresh, implied commitments now. To give it a fair try. Yet please face this fact: It is NOT a fair try, since you KNOW your OW is waiting in the wings, to take you back after you (surprise!) fail to fall in love again with your W. What is the REAL reason you are going through a charade of marital reconciliation? Is it the guilt? Do you want to be able to say later, "I really tried to save my marriage, but I just couldn't feel love for my wife, so I decided divorce was OK."

 

You cheated on your W...you asked HER to move out...now it's your last chance to actually do the decent thing. To stop adding insult to injury. You should (IMO) either 1) Tell the OW it is over forever (whch you've made fairly clear you will not do) and check out <URL removed> or 2) Admit your affair and ask your wife for an amicable divorce, immediately.

 

Toss this idea of the slow, painful jilt of your loving W right in the dumpster where it belongs.

[quest for love]

Awsome post, Owl. I appreciate the candor.

 

#1. I don't think it's fair to expect the OW to sit around and wait 6 months. That's not fair to her either.

 

#2. Why would I ever tell my wife? It would devestate her and I can live with my choices, as I feel they were the right ones and I have learned so much. I do not regret my decision to have a relationship with my OW. Not at all.

 

#3. What if I have little interest in doing that for 6 months? I don't know if I have the desire.

 

#4 Honestly, this "in love" feeling seems awfully genuine. I have even tried to fall out of love with my OW for simplicity sake. I can't. What we have really is something special.

[quest for love]

Originally posted by SoleMate

My thoughts? Sure.

 

You cheated on your W...you asked HER to move out...now it's your last chance to actually do the decent thing. To stop adding insult to injury. You should (IMO) either 1) Tell the OW it is over forever (whch you've made fairly clear you will not do) and check out <URL removed> or 2) Admit your affair and ask your wife for an amicable divorce, immediately.

 

Toss this idea of the slow, painful jilt of your loving W right in the dumpster where it belongs.

 

I did end it with my OW today. Forever seems awfully final, but that is how we are both interpreting the breakup.

 

I guess i thought I was giving my marriage a good shot, but perhaps it isn't possible with me in love with the OW.

 

Why would I ever tell my W that I had an affair? It would hurt her so much. Whether I stay with her or go, I can't tell her that for both selfish and selfless reasons.

[SoleMate]

Why would I ever tell my wife?

Because not telling her that you have allowed another woman to get so close to you is UNFAIR. Your wife may make a fair try to save the marriage. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong of you not to let her know she's fighting an uphill battle. In fact, I think it's a lot worse than your physical infidelity. Sure, she'll be hurt when she hears about it - but it's not like she's not in pain now. Telling her of the affair may actually ease her suffering - it will make it easier for her to understand why the marriage is in such trouble.

 

The only way you might possibly have an argument for not telling your W is if you either divorced your W immediately, or if you put aside the OW immediately and forever. Then a case for concealment can be made (although still a weak one, IMO).

 

I'm trying very hard not to attack. But I want to know: Do you ever feel constrained to "play fair"? Do you think there are things that are OK, and others that are not? Do you see that there are degrees of wrongness? Do you agree that even if you have done something wrong, you can choose to repair OR compound the error?

 

...[my W] is a wonderful human being and a sensational person and I care for her deeply...

Then, can you find it in your heart to be fair with her? Tell her the truth. Otherwise, I'm just going to have to assume that you are a self-serving creep.

[Merin]

Originally posted by quest for love

 

 

#2. Why would I ever tell my wife? It would devestate her and I can live with my choices, as I feel they were the right ones and I have learned so much. I do not regret my decision to have a relationship with my OW. Not at all.

 

It would devestate her.. how exactly do you think she feels RIGHT NOW? You asked her to move out.. you told her you're not in love with her anymore.. you don't think she ALREADY is devestated?!

 

YOU can live with YOUR choices? Well.. how nice for you.. Is it fair to make your wife live with YOUR choices as well? You are lying to her! No matter how you try to justify it.. you're lying. Not telling your wife about the choices YOU made is taking away HER choices to decide IF she even wants to stay with YOU!

 

You have NO regret for what you've done to your Wife, or the OW uh? Right on.. thats great.. You know I hope your OW finds a guy who isn't married while you're playing house and lying to your wife.. eventually your wife finds out about your "choices" and makes one of her own... BOOT!

 

So selfish!

 

BTW... Lying to your wife about the affair ISN'T selfLESS nor is it nobel.

[Owl]

Originally posted by quest for love

Awsome post, Owl. I appreciate the candor.

 

#1. I don't think it's fair to expect the OW to sit around and wait 6 months. That's not fair to her either.

 

Not fair to the wife to have spent the last six months cheating on her either, huh? Not to mention its not fair that you've gotten involved with another woman when you're already committed (at least in your wife's eyes) to another woman? You've not been fair to either of them up to this point...but I guess that's not important here.

 

#2. Why would I ever tell my wife? It would devestate her and I can live with my choices, as I feel they were the right ones and I have learned so much. I do not regret my decision to have a relationship with my OW. Not at all.

 

Because you are supposed to be HONEST with your spouse, which is something you've not done for a long time. If you truly don't feel any guilt or regret over having had an affair, then you should go ahead and divorce your wife now. Dont string her along because of some hypocritical feeling of honor...

 

#3. What if I have little interest in doing that for 6 months? I don't know if I have the desire.

Then you should never have married in the first place. You don't truly understand the word "commitment". And, you really don't love your wife, even in a friendship kind of way. Look up self-centered sometime.

#4 Honestly, this "in love" feeling seems awfully genuine. I have even tried to fall out of love with my OW for simplicity sake. I can't. What we have really is something special.

ROFLMBO...like I told you friend...EVERYONE says that. EVERYONE!!!!! Stop by a Border's book store and look for the book I suggested, and read the chapter about falling in love. If that does not describe what you're feeling, I'd be astounded. Then read the WHOLE chapter, and see what it says about that feeling, where it comes from, and how long it lasts. Then think about this post, where I've told you an prime example of that in real life.

 

Tell ya what...when you post here again in a few years (or months) about the horrible mistake you made, look for me then.

[Owl]

Look up my thread, and read all that I wrote about what my wife and I went through, and the changes she felt and went through. You sound just like her friend....only you're probably not going to end up as lucky as she did.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by quest for love

I do not regret my decision to have a relationship with my OW. Not at all.

 

As long as you honestly feel this way, I don't see any hope for your marriage.

 

 

Why would I ever tell my W that I had an affair? It would hurt her so much. Whether I stay with her or go, I can't tell her that for both selfish and selfless reasons.

You are denying her the right to deal with the situation however she needs to deal with it. Honesty sometimes hurts, but its far better than any kind of deception.

I think you are deluding yourself and finding your own justifications for not telling her because you don't want to deal with the fallout.

[Ladyjane14]

You have WASTED eight years of your wife's life, and she will never get back one moment. You made a lifelong committment to her and you are the one who reneged.

 

Be EXTREMELY generous to her in the settlement. Give 'til it hurts.

 

And quit wasting her time. She deserves a better man.

[Joyce]

I have a a couple of questions that you don't have to answer... it's just out of curiosity. I didn't read all of the responses to your post. I am sorry if you have already answered them...

 

What is your definition of true love?

 

What is it that you love so much about the OW?

 

Did you used to feel the same way about your wife as you do now with your OW?

 

Do you believe that you would be truly happy if you were with you OW? or would you miss your wife?

 

I am just curious because I think every relationship goes through it's rough times where you question whether you are in love. I don't understand why you don't leave your wife if you truly believe you are "in love" with the OM. I think you saying you feel like you owe it to her is just an excuse or am I wrong?

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Owl

There is a HUGE difference between the kind of love you feel for a wife you've been married to for 17 years, and the "in love" feelings that you have for your OW. That "in love" feeling is there for a couple of reasons, and is one of the main reasons that you can't see the love you've got for your wife. Take my case...my wife felt she was "falling out of love" with me, and falling "in love" with her OM.

 

I found out about my wife's emotional affair in its full detail almost exactly 7 months ago. The first month was horrible. Just as I've described here, she was CONVINCED she was in love with him. That he was the man of her dreams, and that her heart belonged to him. But, once she got over the withdrawl of not having him, it took her no time to realize that I was always here, and that her love for me had never gone away...she just couldn't see it. She had problems with depression before this happened, and began getting treated for it during this time, and our marriage is now better than it had been in years. We're HONEST with each other, and you don't know what a relief that is.

 

 

DON'T LISTEN TO OWL. (No offense, as always Owl!) His wife had an emotional internet affair, she did not even know the man she was involved with - never saw him, hugged him, kissed him, etc. Owl has been married 17 years to a woman suffering from depression. You are not in a similar situation. For him to compare you to his W is just bull.

 

YOU, my friend, have only been married 5 short years. IMHO, I pray to god that when I get married that when only 5 short years have past I am still "in love" with my husband, bc if I'm not, then life just ain't worth living. In only 5 years, you should still hotly feel that "in love" feeling - after only 5 short years, there should still be passion!! (I'm not talking strictly about sex either, see below.) If it's not there now, it's not magically going to appear! I wonder, did you EVER feel about W the way you feel about OW? There might be your answer...

 

Originally posted by quest for love

 

I have even tried to fall out of love with my OW for simplicity sake. I can't. What we have really is something special.

 

I can't believe, based on this alone, that you ended things with OW.

 

Originally posted by Owl

Look up my thread, and read all that I wrote about what my wife and I went through, and the changes she felt and went through. You sound just like her friend....only you're probably not going to end up as lucky as she did.

 

Again, you and Owl's wife are light years apart. Please, do not listen to him.

 

Act with your heart and not your groin or a sense of obligation. Ask yourself, who do you want to wake up next to every morning? Who do you want to call from the grocery store to announce that cantelope is back in season? Who's feet do you want to rub at the end of the day while exchanging stories about little work fiascoes? Who's voice do you want to hear singing in the shower?

Who is that person? Let your heart tell you, and go to her. You ALL deserve to have that kind of love. By going to the woman that's right for you and setting the other free, you will all have the opportunity to find it. But if you remain unhappy...well...that's just horrible.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Joyce ....

I think every relationship goes through it's rough times where you question whether you are in love.

 

I totally agree, Joyce. Eight months ago my own sweet man gave me that sad "I love you but I'm not in love with you" routine---verbatim. And here we are after more than 20 years of marriage, better than ever.

 

It stems from being 'under-the-influence': And Owl's exactly right. It's all hormones and pheromones. It won't last any longer than it lasted before, probably less time actually. When you involve yourself with someone who is willing to commit adultery with you....well, sometimes it turns out that they're not as nice as you thought they were.

 

Meantime though, the wife is just getting older and no wiser, because unbeknownst to her, she's living with a stranger who is willing to bet her life on 'if-the-condom-breaks-or-not'.

 

It's a shame too, because divorce is easy in most states. Why not end the marriage on good terms before committing hiv-roulette on someone who believes they're in a monogamous relationship?

[murasaki]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

DON'T LISTEN TO OWL. (No offense, as always Owl!) His wife had an emotional internet affair, she did not even know the man she was involved with - never saw him, hugged him, kissed him, etc. Owl has been married 17 years to a woman suffering from depression. You are not in a similar situation. For him to compare you to his W is just bull.

 

Um, in the interests of full disclosure, KMT, shouldn't you include the fact that you are an OW yourself? If Owl's advice is coming from his particular experience with his wife, it seems equally reasonable to suggest that you are seeking to validate your own position by encouraging this poster to go for the OW -- which is very much what you're hoping your MM will do, isn't it?

 

"Follow your heart" is good advice ... but so is "follow your head." Any relationship is a complicated mix of emotions, probabilities, hopes, etc. I think that someone making a big life decision (and dissolving a marriage is a monumental life decision, as is entering a marriage for that matter) ought to not just follow their heart. They shouldn't ignore it. But emotions can be deceptive. There's always something underneath them, no matter how much we want to think that our emotions are free-flowing, "pure" acts of "fate." That's why engaging the head is also important.

 

At any rate, I'll put my full two cents in to say this to questforlove: you owe it to your wife, absolutely, to come clean about the affair. The poor woman is laboring under the delusion that a) your marriage's problems are fixable, and b) that your marriage's problems are entirely about what's between you and her. Neither of these things are true; as others have pointed out, your marriage is doomed as long as the OW is on the "periphery" (in name only). And you're not honestly engaging with your wife to address the genuine problems that are in your marriage, because emotionally you're already out of the marriage. You're paying lip service to wanting to save the marriage, perhaps you really would, in theory, like to save it. But I'll bet you'd like to be saving more money each month for your retirement than you actually are, or that you'd like to exercise more than you do, or to eat better, etc. Agreeing with the principle of something and actually taking it on board and doing it are two very different things. Your wife deserves to know that you're only willing in theory to save the marriage.

 

She deserves to know. It'll make things much more difficult for you, true. But what makes you think this is supposed to be easy? Whatever ends up happening -- divorce, reconciliation -- let it happen out of honesty. You lost your grip on it for a while, but you can regain it ... and then maybe you'll slowly be able to regain your integrity.

 

Good luck.

 

PS: Not only does your wife deserve to know because she's deluded about what's going on, she also deserves to know because upon learning that you're an adulterer, she might well decide that she doesn't want to remain with you after all. You're not the only one who has to consider whether or not he wants to save the marriage ... but until she knows the truth, you're denying her the opportunity to make that decision for herself.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by murasaki

 

 

Um, in the interests of full disclosure, KMT, shouldn't you include the fact that you are an OW yourself? If Owl's advice is coming from his particular experience with his wife, it seems equally reasonable to suggest that you are seeking to validate your own position by encouraging this poster to go for the OW -- which is very much what you're hoping your MM will do, isn't it?

 

 

NO, I am not seeking to validate my position as an OW, nor am I hoping MM will leave W. If you really have read my posts, you would know that I ended things with MM a while ago. So there!

 

In all seriousness now, it is true that Owl's advice is coming from his experience with his wife. THAT SAID, his wife NEVER EVEN MET the man she was involved with, she was/is depressed, and they have been married for 17 years. They have been through a LOT. Quest for love, on the other hand, has been involved with his OW in every way, shape, and form, and has only been married for a short time - too short to already be falling out of love. They have no children (yet), and so, IMHO, I think he should follow his heart. He has that option now. Wait too long, and he'll have to involve the mind.

[murasaki]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

NO, I am not seeking to validate my position as an OW, nor am I hoping MM will leave W. If you really have read my posts, you would know that I ended things with MM a while ago. So there!

 

You're right, I wasn't up-to-date on your situation, so I apologize for the inaccurate depiction.

 

In all seriousness now, it is true that Owl's advice is coming from his experience with his wife. THAT SAID, his wife NEVER EVEN MET the man she was involved with, she was/is depressed, and they have been married for 17 years. They have been through a LOT. Quest for love, on the other hand, has been involved with his OW in every way, shape, and form, and has only been married for a short time - too short to already be falling out of love. They have no children (yet), and so, IMHO, I think he should follow his heart. He has that option now. Wait too long, and he'll have to involve the mind.

 

Well I don't agree that five years is nothing. Nor do I agree that it is too short a time to lose that "in love" feeling -- that heart-pounding exuberance. Daily life has a way of making that difficult to maintain long-term. I don't think that the giddy feeling of "being in love" is one that typically lasts for more than a couple of years, at most. And usually not that. Actually I think it tends to wax and wane, wax and wane, at least that's been my experience. So I don't take a diminished passion as a sign that a relationship is dead. But that's just me.

 

I do agree that with no children in the picture it's far less complicated, and questforlove (and/or his wife, when she learns what he's been up to) can much more easily get out of the marriage if that's what s/he/they want. But to make that decision just for the sake of giddy feelings of being in love ... well... I suppose that's what's right for some people. It's not what I would want -- not that I don't want a long-lived passion. But I wouldn't chuck affection, support and the potential for regained passion without considering what I'd be losing. Not just for an infatuation.

 

Anyway, questforlove, good luck. Just be honest.

[Stinkerbelle]

for a while...

 

While you get your head on straight. Maybe 3 months of not seeing, or talking on the phone, to either woman, would help you sort yourself out.

 

It's wrong to hold out hope to the both of them; it's just unfair. And after some soul-searching, and perhaps a couple of chats with an individual counselor, you will be able to figure out how you got into this situation, and where you need to go from here.

 

Sometimes a marriage is between "soulmates" who are meant to be together forever, and sometimes we grow out of them. Likewise with love affairs.

 

I suggest you don't tell anyone which woman you should be with the rest of your life, or dump, until you take some serious time alone to take a long, hard look at yourself. This situation happened for a reason; you need to figure out why, so it doesn't happen to you again and again.

 

Good luck.

[Devildog]

You can find my credentials on the Seperation and Divorce board. known each other 8 years, 5 years of marriage. We have a child to worry about. My wife isn't "in love with me anymore" either. Happened right about the same time she started having an emotional affair with a "Friend". We seperated, under the illusion of trying to figure out what she wanted. She stayed in daily contact with the "friend". She talked to a divorce lawyer Tuesday.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with OWL. And you are only trying to fool yourself into believing you are "honorable". An adulterer is about as honorable as an abuser in my opinion. You are just trying to make excuses to avoid the guilt you deserve and sooner or later, no matter how far you run and how well you try to hide, that guilt WILL catch up with you someday.

 

Either be truly honorable and give your wife and marriage an honest chance or save everyone the BS and sneak away like the snake you seem to truly be at this point.