ColdAlone Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Hi, I'm new... Basicly I just want to vent and share my story. My ex-gf has trouble regulating her emotions. If you look it up, it's a real 'issue'. We broke up about a month ago. We started out about 2 years ago. Known eachother for 3 years, had friendly contact through chat (long distance). She kinda lured me in by suggesting 'meaningless sex'. I had no one at that time so I took the bait. In hindsight, I guess this was her way of 'protecting her feelings'. In the weeks leading up to the event we started talking more seriously. It also came out that she has had a crush on me since 2008. And then the talks came up about feelings and stuff. And the convenience of her moving in with me (LDR). A 1000 'what if' questions I had to answer before it was decided that we would just go all in, live together and see where it goes. It was good, really good. She told me she loved me 8-10 times a day, needed alot (ALOT) of affection. We communicated everything and anything, her 'issue' wasn't that apparent since if she had a problem we just talked it over and she would calm down. And mostly her problems were not related to the relationship, so easy for me to handle. At that time it displayed itself as 'panic attacks, stress, anxiety'. I guess we got too comfortable, communicated less. She had to go back and forth to her home country every 2-3 months, for about 4-5 weeks. Everytime she was scared I would leave her, without me giving her any reason to. I was as solid as a rock. Last July she again came back, 2 things happened: She txted me she wanted to come home the night before she would, I was asleep, heard the txt and just responded 'ok'. When she landed I apparently didn't hug her properly... I saw her turn 180, becoming distant. By that time I was still unaware of her 'issue'. I'm not that expressive. I guess to me this fitted well with her being overly expressive. But yes, she became distant, while still giving me lots of hugs and saying she loved me. It all looked the same but felt different. She would only stay a month this time. I asked about 2-3 times what was wrong, she said nothing was wrong or 'the usual' making me think her regular stress. The day before she had to fly back she suddenly starts talking. It became an argument. Again in hindsight, she said she needed more affection and I said I wanted her to be less distant. We both wanted the same thing but couldn't really listen to eachother at that point. So she left, leaving me with a certain anxiety about the situation. For 2 weeks I kept my cool, then I just wanted to talk about it. Again over chat, she was in her home country. Emotions got the best of us. Hindsight again, I saw her turn from 'we are having a rough patch' to 'I dont want to continue this' after me pushing that question..... Still talking through txting and skype, she realised she made mistakes too, said she needed to figure out if she could make us work. 4 days later an enthousiastic txt saying she thought about me alot, and next day we would finally have THAT talk. Next day comes up, she makes smalltalk. I said I expected another talk, she said ok... Said she didn't think she could take the risk again, I pushed again, said she just can't do it.... When I reminded her of our hopes and dreams, wanting to get married, she said 'please don't give me that hope'..... I broke down the day after. Took blame, more than realistic. begged, cried, all of it. Within a week I reverted that. She txted me asking if I was ok, I said I'm fine. She would approach me on skype, ask me about my day, about once a week or twice. Does say she misses me and thinks of me, loves me... I expressed that I do see my part in the failure of the relationship, wich to me is kinda common, I didn't say I loved her enough and didn't express myself enough. She said she was happy I realized it. This quickly became to much for me, the fear of being hurt made me decide NC. Now, a week later I realized that running away from my fear and feelings is not a good thing. I emailed her now asking her to share her current thoughts and feelings, so I can make a more balanced decision. To Be Continued....
Author ColdAlone Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 No response to the email so far. That could mean a million different things. I'm thinking of staying NC no matter what the response. I guess the only thing I'm not sure about is if I'll confront her with her 'issue' or just pretend everything is normal. The latter would bring her back sooner (if and when that happens) and I know I can deal with her 'issue' since I've done so before. Bringing it up later might be more convenient. I will stay put untill I get a response. If none, I will remain NC.
Author ColdAlone Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Another update: I knew her phone credit was getting way low. I have control over that still, so I decided to put some money in. Immediately she txted me, if I was home, if I was on skype.... So I go online, she asks how I've been, sais she wants details. I asked her if she didn't get the email. She said she hadn't checked. I told her to delete them, but ofcourse she has to read them Well, nothing out of the ordinary has been said in them, so no real harm done. We talked a bit, updated eachother on our lives. I said I still love her, she said she still loves me. She hasn't told her family yet about breaking up, neither have I. We talked a bit about the breakup and the time before. Since I thought we weren't really talking anymore, and now I figured we were, in hindsight. She admitted that we were yet it was covered in anger. I said something about being reminded of how she used to say we were perfect together, because I was so calm, and it helped her to get calm by talking to me..... Well, she said it's still there. It's part of our chemistry, our connection, and she said it's still there. Even now.... So ye... Laid down some basic rules. Said she broke up therefore she needs to contact me. Also told her I have no interest in becoming her male girlfriend, just for talking. The way she replied made me at least sure of the fact that that's not her intention either. We'll see what happens next... I'm in no rush...
Author ColdAlone Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 (edited) I thought about it.... A month has passed, together with about 1 or 2 months 'turmoil' before that. Given her feelings, my feelings, our communication, I think I should do something here... It might be too soon but time will tell. I will fly out there wednesday, and nothing is going to stop me. I have this thing with in-laws, I never feel comfortable. It stems from my 1st 3 relationships. I never been out there. I will overcome this fear and lingering feeling. I will fly out there, to see her, see her family, and see where she lives. Whatever else happens we will see.... I thought about surprising her, so she can't overthink it and stress over it. Then again, it's fair to her to let her know upfront. So tomorrow I will tell her I'm coming over no matter what, for the reasons mentioned above. She can either pick me up at the airport or I will find my way to her house, where she lives with her family. I had a hard time picking between 'not forcing her into anything' and 'doing what I feel I need to do'. Since I'm not really expecting any outcome, I will make that clear to her upfront, and I'm comfortable with my decision.... I don't really feel like we broke up, just in LC. If she really wants to break up, now she can do it face to face Edited October 26, 2013 by ColdAlone
Simon Phoenix Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 You are going to fly to surprise her? Please don't, that's a disaster waiting to happen. That sh*t only works in the movies -- in real life it's a horrible idea.
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