Fear of getting caught or Feeling Guilty

[AutumnMoon]

I've been told a few times, it's not guilt I feel when I get the pain and tightness in my stomach when having a sweet moment with my husband, or when I can't look at the tv when something about affairs is on.. Or when I run into his wife and I feel weird ..

 

If you are one of the people who just thinks its anxiety caused by a fear of getting caught, rather than guilt that most often affects those involved in an affair, I'd like to hear your thoughts?

 

I'm curious about it. I believe it's guilt I feel because in other aspects of life I've always been very empathetic and only wanted to help those around me.. I think I feel guilty and I'm just good at suppressing it. But maybe I'm wrong and if I knew 100 percent I wouldn't be caught.. Maybe I wouldn't feel it?

 

I don't intend to end my affair right now, even though I know for sure I want to remain with my husband.

[underwater2010]

Maybe it is not fear or guilt but poor good old shame. You know its wrong, but you continue anyways.

 

Do you really think that your husband will want to remain married should he ever discover the truth?

[LilGirlandOW]

I used to fear my MM getting caught as I was afraid we would loose what we had together. Contrary to you I gravitate towards shows about A's like the new show "betrayal" because I can relate to the excitement, lust and passion the A couple share.

[whatatangledweb]

My husband has had those sensations like you. He said his was from shame and guilt. You may be pushing the guilt away so you don't think about it. If you thought about it too much then you would think about ending your affair. And you say you do not want to do that.

[AutumnMoon]

Maybe it is not fear or guilt but poor good old shame. You know its wrong, but you continue anyways.

 

Do you really think that your husband will want to remain married should he ever discover the truth?

 

I actually think he would get very angry, threaten violence.. Leave for a while and then if I wanted to work on it he would. That's what I'm guessing just because I know how much he loves having his family completely taken care of while he's gone, and who he loves coming home to.. He works away and travels all the time for pleasure.. Hunting, fishing, backpacking.. I work from home and raise our kids more than half the time. He's got a good life. Mines not horrible, I like my life.. I like it a lot better lately though.

 

I wish my husband would just decide to quit what he currently does and decide to have a career closer to our home base. But I can't force him nor would I want to.

 

But also, yes I also do feel shame sometimes but I try to feel it and then shake it off.. And strive to be better in other areas. If there was risk to being discovered it would be hard but the physical affair would end. We are definitely subscribing to the old 'what they don't know won't hurt them' I guess. I've had many suspicions my husband has the same subscription but I don't go looking.

 

I realize I sound cold. I just write exactly what I'm thinking here and I had a really hard day. I'm sorry if I seem rude.

[AutumnMoon]

My husband has had those sensations like you. He said his was from shame and guilt. You may be pushing the guilt away so you don't think about it. If you thought about it too much then you would think about ending your affair. And you say you do not want to do that.

 

No I don't want to at all. I've definitely let the guilt come in though, I do take time to feel it, I don't want to lose my humanity almost, that's a real fear.. I mean I never thought I could live with myself doing this until it happened and I was so shocked that I was happy and content and not only not disgusted with myself but felt the best I ever had.

 

A little shame and guilt aren't something I can't live with, I deserve to feel them I think. I know I'm not doing a good thing. I've considered ending the affair and have made the decision to manage risk and know when to pull the plug.

 

Unless something majorly unexpected happens though that won't be soon.

[AutumnMoon]

You have to be able to convince yourself that there is nothing wrong or immoral in what you are doing.

 

Best way is to think of your kids grown. Then think of one of them being happily married. Then think of them finding out their spouse carried on an affair behind your child's back and did not show even a slight sign. And if you can imagine it happening and your child being cheated on without feeling anger towards the WS, you probably have got yourself to a place where affairs are not wrong.

 

Of course you must imagine your child broken and in pain because they thought their spouse loved them with their whole heart. Your child thought their life, even with rough patches, was good and happy.

 

Imagine holding your child while he or she cries. Imagine telling the child everything you believe that makes an affair okay. That you are sorry they found out and that the ws was no better at keeping things a secret. Explain to your child that, fun, passion, forbidden love, soulmate, or whatever else you believe, is important and everyone should be free to persue those things. That promises of faithfulness don't last forever and that the ws does love your child and the family with him or her but it wasn't enough. And that he or she was only protecting your child and keeping an intact family by lying instead of leaving.

 

If you couldn't wish you on your grown child then what you are feeling is guilt. But if you believe affairs are okay and would not feel angry towards your child's ws. You are probably just nervous about discovery and either losing your family, repuation, or fun ( or all)

 

I don't think affairs are perfectly good and ok.. I've only said I'm in one and I'm still in it with no current intention to end it. I would not want anyone and I'm not putting my needs above others .. The affair is limited to make sure of that. Well obviously I'm putting some of my needs above others.. My kids would be very hurt if they knew.. Which is why I try to think as clear as I can and take this for what it is.. There is no trail at all to our affair.. If we stopped today unless one of us made a death bed confession nobody will ever know. Until the opportunity arises again that has the same or a very similar risk factor.. We'll wait.

[AutumnMoon]

My last post made it seem like we take no risk.

 

Obviously that's a stretch.. There has been a lot of risky times, but always with a legitimate reason for us to be together and we have a good thing going now. It's been a year and we both feel good about things.

 

It's addictive, that in itself is risky. But we are on the same page and don't expect anything more of each other than we can give. It was rocky when we were both confused about how the other felt. But communication is key really is true for most things.

[underwater2010]

I actually think he would get very angry, threaten violence.. Leave for a while and then if I wanted to work on it he would. That's what I'm guessing just because I know how much he loves having his family completely taken care of while he's gone, and who he loves coming home to.. He works away and travels all the time for pleasure.. Hunting, fishing, backpacking.. I work from home and raise our kids more than half the time. He's got a good life. Mines not horrible, I like my life.. I like it a lot better lately though.

 

I really hope for your sake it is true. You should really research what most men do when they realize that their wife is stepping out on them.

 

I wish my husband would just decide to quit what he currently does and decide to have a career closer to our home base. But I can't force him nor would I want to.

 

You cannot force him but you can bring it up. If my husband had told me it was my job or him having an affair, I would have quit in a heartbeat. Have you ever had this conversation with him?

 

But also, yes I also do feel shame sometimes but I try to feel it and then shake it off.. And strive to be better in other areas. If there was risk to being discovered it would be hard but the physical affair would end. We are definitely subscribing to the old 'what they don't know won't hurt them' I guess. I've had many suspicions my husband has the same subscription but I don't go looking.

 

And you assuming that he has someone on the side is typical behavior of someone cheating. You are only suspicious because YOU are the one cheating. And let me tell you that if there was a risk, the whole affair would end....not just the physical or you could kiss your husband goodbye.

 

I realize I sound cold. I just write exactly what I'm thinking here and I had a really hard day. I'm sorry if I seem rude.

 

I don't think you are rude and would hate you to think I am being rude also. I am also writing what I think. I think you are on the verge of making a HUGE mistake. You are pushing boundaries that DO NOT need to be pushed. And if you value your family, you would STOP right the minute.

 

 

See bolded.

[ComingInHot]

Wikipedia Definition of Guilt:

Guilt (emotion) is an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in

 

Medical News Today defines Social Anxiety:

Social Anxiety Disorder is a type of social phobia characterized by a fear of being negatively judged by others or a fear of public embarrassment due to impulsive actions. This includes feelings such as stage fright, a fear of intimacy, and a fear of humiliation.

 

These of course, are one of MANY definitions but seemed closest to what You are experiencing/feeling.

 

Could it be a combination of both?*

[Got it]

What do you think? I don't think it really matters what other people decide about how you feel. What matters is what you decide about how you feel.

 

And just as importantly, what are you going to do, or not dom about the feeling once you can assess a name for it?

 

Is it a feeling you like? Is it a feeling you don't like? Do you want the feeling to reoccur? Do you not want the feeling to reoccur? What are you going to do to make it happen more, less, or the same as it is happening? What does the feeling mean to you?

[AutumnMoon]

You seemed to be wondering if you felt guilt or just fear of being caught. I'd say by your answer you feel guilt... And also some fear of course.

 

Also i wasn't talking about your kids being hurt by your affair. I was talking about how you would feel if any one of your children ended up with a spouse like you. If that didn't bother you then I'd say you weren't feeling guilt.

 

I was a faithful fully committed wife for years and years and things happened along the way to lead me here. My family comes first I love them dearly and bust my ass to make sure they have their wants and needs met, my kids and my husband.

 

After almost a decade I decided I wanted some of my own needs met too.

 

If they end up with a spouse ALMOST like me Ill be thrilled.. But I hope they are never lied to it cheated on of course. That would make me feel horrible.

[AutumnMoon]

See bolded.

 

I've felt he may have sex with others when he travels.. Not necessarily one other woman. He's gone for weeks at a time.. And he has a pretty high sex drive and is definitely an alpha male, strong, good looking, successful and he is the kind of guy that thinks men are above women.. I'm his queen but what he says goes. I've also found proof he stayed in hotels when he had claimed to have stayed with friends or found out he was in one city when he claimed to be in another.. Things like that over the years. But he always comes home. I have my reasons to think what I do.

 

And yes he knows I would like him to be home.. He's known for years but his career is important and provides a lifestyle he would be hard pressed to give up.

[AutumnMoon]

Wikipedia Definition of Guilt:

Guilt (emotion) is an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in

 

Medical News Today defines Social Anxiety:

Social Anxiety Disorder is a type of social phobia characterized by a fear of being negatively judged by others or a fear of public embarrassment due to impulsive actions. This includes feelings such as stage fright, a fear of intimacy, and a fear of humiliation.

 

These of course, are one of MANY definitions but seemed closest to what You are experiencing/feeling.

 

Could it be a combination of both?*

 

 

Yes it could be a combination of both for sure.

[Owl]

I've been told a few times, it's not guilt I feel when I get the pain and tightness in my stomach when having a sweet moment with my husband, or when I can't look at the tv when something about affairs is on.. Or when I run into his wife and I feel weird ..

 

If you are one of the people who just thinks its anxiety caused by a fear of getting caught, rather than guilt that most often affects those involved in an affair, I'd like to hear your thoughts?

 

I'm curious about it. I believe it's guilt I feel because in other aspects of life I've always been very empathetic and only wanted to help those around me.. I think I feel guilty and I'm just good at suppressing it. But maybe I'm wrong and if I knew 100 percent I wouldn't be caught.. Maybe I wouldn't feel it?

 

I don't intend to end my affair right now, even though I know for sure I want to remain with my husband.

 

Not to be rude, but if this feeling isn't going to change your actions...why bother trying to discern if it's guilt, or fear, or shame, or whatever?

 

If you're going to ignore it...why bother investigating it? What's the value in doing so?

[AutumnMoon]

What do you think? I don't think it really matters what other people decide about how you feel. What matters is what you decide about how you feel.

 

And just as importantly, what are you going to do, or not dom about the feeling once you can assess a name for it?

 

Is it a feeling you like? Is it a feeling you don't like? Do you want the feeling to reoccur? Do you not want the feeling to reoccur? What are you going to do to make it happen more, less, or the same as it is happening? What does the feeling mean to you?

 

I just wanted to know what people thought the difference was. I believe I feel guilt because I've crossed a boundary I never thought Id cross , and because I love my kids and would never want to lose their respect.

 

I obviously don't like feeling guilty, but I'd rather feel it than not feel at all. I do suppress it the majority of the time but I let myself feel it and make decisions based on how I feel at the time.

 

I don't want to suppress all my emotions and end up losing them, if that makes sense.

 

If I felt no shame or guilt at all Id be worried for my soul.

[AutumnMoon]

Not to be rude, but if this feeling isn't going to change your actions...why bother trying to discern if it's guilt, or fear, or shame, or whatever?

 

If you're going to ignore it...why bother investigating it? What's the value in doing so?

 

I wanted to know what people thought the difference was. I know I feel guilt.

And obviously I don't want to become a hard cold person... I don't want to suppress all my natural emotions.

[Owl]

I wanted to know what people thought the difference was. I know I feel guilt.

And obviously I don't want to become a hard cold person... I don't want to suppress all my natural emotions.

 

So you're wanting to continue on with your affair...but you want to make sure that you continue to feel bad about doing so as well?

 

Non-sequiter.

[underwater2010]

I've felt he may have sex with others when he travels.. Not necessarily one other woman. He's gone for weeks at a time.. And he has a pretty high sex drive and is definitely an alpha male, strong, good looking, successful and he is the kind of guy that thinks men are above women.. I'm his queen but what he says goes. I've also found proof he stayed in hotels when he had claimed to have stayed with friends or found out he was in one city when he claimed to be in another.. Things like that over the years. But he always comes home. I have my reasons to think what I do.

 

And yes he knows I would like him to be home.. He's known for years but his career is important and provides a lifestyle he would be hard pressed to give up.

You describe him as an alpha male. That does not help your case come dday. Alpha males do not forgive easily and know that they have more options out there.

 

If you are so sure about him cheating then why not bite the bullet and have a conversation about the status of the relationship?

 

Also did you actually say "your career or I cheat?" I highly doubt it. Instead it was probably more along the lines of I wish you were home more often.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am starting to wonder if you want to feel guilt, so you don't have to feel guilty, because you can point to your feelings of guilt...and say..."see I really am a good person because I felt guilt".

 

You are looking to save your soul, by selling it out. Doesn't work that way.

[Cali408]

Fear of getting caught. What stunk was once caught, the disappointment afterward. I was too selfish and a narcissist to feel too much guilt. Yes, some, but not much.

[Owl]

I am starting to wonder if you want to feel guilt, so you don't have to feel guilty, because you can point to your feelings of guilt...and say..."see I really am a good person because I felt guilt".

 

I was kinda thinking the same thing.

 

The purpose of those feelings...the reason we have them...is so that we stop continuing to do the actions that cause those feelings.

 

It sounds to me like the OP wants to feel better about herself because she feels bad for betraying her H...again...non-sequiter.

[AutumnMoon]

So you're wanting to continue on with your affair...but you want to make sure that you continue to feel bad about doing so as well?

 

Non-sequiter.

 

I don't feel bad all the time. But the amount I adjusted my moral compass in order to get to this place had me worried for a while. If you suppress feelings too much would they disappear completely? I don't know. I just let myself feel it, think as rational as possible about my situation and get on with my day.

[AutumnMoon]

I am starting to wonder if you want to feel guilt, so you don't have to feel guilty, because you can point to your feelings of guilt...and say..."see I really am a good person because I felt guilt".

 

You are looking to save your soul, by selling it out. Doesn't work that way.

 

That's definitely given me something to think about!

[AlwaysGrowing]

I don't feel bad all the time. But the amount I adjusted my moral compass in order to get to this place had me worried for a while. If you suppress feelings too much would they disappear completely? I don't know. I just let myself feel it, think as rational as possible about my situation and get on with my day.

 

 

Suppressing your feelings in regard to your moral compass will only infect other parts of your life. Unless you stop the dissonance it starts to spread into all of your thought processes. It has started already.

 

Another poster asked how you would feel if a child of yours had a spouse like you. You changed the question..to answer it. And highlighted your good qualities (we all have them), and said yes to the good qualities (of course). Then answered the cheating part separately. They are not separate. They are in the same package, that was the question.

 

And that is mental gymnastics.